The nice thing about school was that everyone still thought she was a boy. Of course, there were a few exceptions, Tsubaki and Sumire had been aware for a while, but they kept her secret and most of the time treated her as if she was a real guy. It had been three weeks since sleeping with Ryuji and school was becoming her favorite place. She usually arrived early and found projects to keep her busy after it was over. As Sandaime, Ryuji kept more appointments in the evening and she had gotten very good at showing up just before the car left, kicking some major ass when necessary, and then disappearing into her room to work. She liked to fight. It felt good move her body, to feel like she was protecting Ryuji, to get any anxiety in her system out of her system through a good workout. Ryuji had been following her, pestering her, saying that they needed to have a talk (when had Ryuji become one of these people who wanted to talk?) but she told him that she just needed a little time and strangely enough he accepted this explanation and backed off.
She was a week late, and she started to suspect she might be pregnant.
For which she could not forgive Ryuji.
After all, wasn't he the one that was supposed to know about this stuff? Somehow she had just expected him to be prepared. Maybe... but maybe... she thought back to their sleeping together and all she could imagine was that she'd made a mess of it, that a real woman would have known what to do and wouldn't have had these problems. Well, whatever, if she was pregnant that pretty much proved she was a real woman. She imagined a kid, Ryuji's, or a little Tsukasa who would be another Durga, one more little girl who'd be a great fighter but grow into a woman who couldn't get a rise out of anything but fighting. She'd just laid there like a log, that couldn't be right, and it wasn't that it hadn't felt good but that it had just been too embarrassing and too surreal to be understandable. When you tell someone you're in love with them, she thought, isn't that what it really means? That you want to sleep with them? What the hell are all those romantic feelings for, otherwise? Something was wrong with her, she was too messed up, by Wakasa's genes, or by growing up as a boy, and the sex thing that should have been natural just wasn't. She still loved Ryuji, but was it really fair to him? If he wanted to, she supposed she would let him sleep with her again. But the thought was frightening, it made her shudder a little bit. If she had to do it again it would be just one more proof that she was inadequate.
In addition to school, she threw herself into fighting, into crushing Ryuji's enemies. When I fight, she thought, I can do something right. Perhaps this is the way I was meant to show my love, by fighting.
Recently the conflict had been with the White Hawks, basically a gang that fancied themselves something better, self declared yakuza. They had tried to sneak in at the borders of the Gumi's territory. Ryuji felt that just pushing them out again wouldn't be a strong enough response, and Tsukasa agreed. As an organization, the White Hawks would be wiped off the face of the earth. A couple of brief scuffles had ensued, but the Hawks, guerrilla like, had simply abandoned their leaders and become a less organized, but somewhat more malevolent organization. They were not a threat to the gumi, but in order to attack Ryuji they had left pipe bombs at a restaurant he was supposed to frequent and viciously attacked a small group of kumiin unlucky enough to be caught alone. Tsukasa felt like some intelligence work was necessary and so she made a point of walking around alone late at night in the Hawk's area. She was fairly recognizable in the gumi these days - when the Hawks caught up with her she beat the crap out of them and got one to admit that they'd been hanging around in the back rooms of a certain club.
Ryuji absolutely hit the roof when he found out what she'd done.
It's fucking dangerous! He told her. You're my bodyguard, aren't you? So you aren't supposed to go off on your own like that.
I think it was worth it. She told him. The club where they've been staying, that belongs to Akito Hayashi, doesn't it?
Ryuji nodded.
Financially, he's been having problems since you withdrew your support last year. It isn't unreasonable to think that he'd bear a grudge.
Ryuji shook his head. I already know that, idiot. Why are you so intense about this? They're just small fry, with or without Hayashi. But you're chasing them like they're a major threat.
She hated it when Ryuji sat at his desk and made her stand in front of it to report. I'm just trying to protect you! She said. It shouldn't matter if the threat is big or small.
The I'm trying to protect you' was enough to raise a single eyebrow raise from Bun, who waited politely in the corner.
She yelled at him.
Ryuji sighed. You're right. He said, But I also want you to listen to me, occasionally.
Tsukasa looked down at her feet. I understand. She told him.
Could you leave for a minute? He asked Bun.
Oh, crap, he was trying to start talking to her again, she thought. Instead, when Bun left the room, he leaned back in his chair and looked at her, crossing his arms.
Ryuji, she thought. Ryuji. If you don't stop looking at me like that I'm going to break down and cry, right here.
I think we should cancel the wedding. She told him.
He didn't answer.
I've been thinking. She said. How could she explain this, she wondered? She didn't exactly understand it herself. I'm too screwed up', maybe, or I make a good fighter but the sex thing just freaks me out.
It's my fault. Ryuji said. I pushed things too much before.
No, you didn't. Not really.
He went on, I think you're being a coward.
I am not! She said.
You are! He said. You're afraid of commitment.
Ryuji was exceedingly proud of himself. He has been reading the book, Women Who Love Men and The Men Who Can Never Understand Them, lent to him by Asago. Asago had also forced Munakata to take careful notes over the whole thing. The two of them swore it saved their relationship after she had caught him getting head from police secretary on the third floor. He hadn't really talked to Asago about how weird Tsukasa was being, but he suspected she could tell that things were strained... at very least Tsukasa's constant disappearing act was a strong clue.
I'm not afraid of commitment! Tsukasa yelled.
I won't cancel the wedding. said Ryuji.
She stormed out.
Bun slunk back in.
She hasn't been the same, recently. He said.
Gee, you think?
Not for the first time, Ryuji wished that Kamo was still around. He needed someone to talk to, someone he could talk to about personal stuff. He wondered if Tsukasa hadn't been ready to have sex, if that was why she was avoiding him now. Or if he was a really, really bad lover. Or if it was just a girl thing.
Maybe you'd better get someone to follow her for a few days. He told Bun. Just to make sure she doesn't turn into the masked vigilante of justice.
