She sat at the lab, sipping tea alone, until Tsukasa, true to her word, knocked on the door.
The party ended a little early. She said, and giggled. Heh heh, I got a little scrap.
Meiko shot up from her chair. It was just a shallow knife wound on Tsukasa's upper arm.
It's all right. Tsukasa said. Ryuji wanted to follow me down here but I told him it was fine.
Meiko dressed the wound. Careful not to look up, she said, Ryuji is worried about you, you know?
Tsukasa sighed. I know. But I don't think he has the right.
What do you mean?
Well, I'm the Durga, aren't I? I mean, practically. Since we've been engaged, everyone calls me that. I fight for Ryuji, and I'm supposed to protect him. So he has to let me do whatever it takes, in order to make sure he's safe.
What about... Meiko tried to think of the most delicate way in which to frame things. What about the other part? The part of the omote no seisai?
I've been thinking. Tsukasa said. I don't think I can do that part.
You don't? Meiko was beginning to feel like one of those shrinks who answered every statement with a question.
No. I used to think, you know, that it would be horrible just to be the kage no seisai, only to fight for the person you love and not to get anything else out of it - not, you know, a real relationship. But people should do what they're good at and I'm good at fighting.
But you and Ryuji... Meiko coughed... "you guys have a good relationship. You're the only one he trusts, and the only one that he acts like a human being around.
Tsukasa agreed. That part's ok. But the rest of it, you know, the wifey-part - I don't think I can do that. She twisted to face Meiko, and smiled down at the doctor.
I can only be one, you know? One or the other. I can't fight for Ryuji and have a family with him too. If I'm trying to protect him as hard as I can, then I can't do other things at the same time. Maybe... maybe he should find someone else for that... do you think?
She looked so unhappy at the thought that Meiko almost laughed.
Didn't you sort of all ready try that? She asked. When Asago was the fiancee?
It would be different this time. Tsukasa said. Back then I loved Ryuji and tried to just be his friend, and his bodyguard, and I couldn't do it. But now that I'm older, I have more self-control. I think - it's not that I don't feel things as strongly as I used to. But now, my resolve is stronger too. I would really be able to give up Ryuji, if I knew that it would be for the best.
What brought all this on, Meiko wondered, wanting to give up Ryuji?
It's impossible, isn't it? She asked Tsukasa. If you're already pregnant....
Tsukasa's face seemed to close up a little bit.
Come on, Meiko said, Let me check. Hop up here. She patted the table, but Tsukasa just stood there, and looked at her. Finally she took Tsukasa's hand and lead her over.
Don't worry about it. Tsukasa said. Did you tell Ryuji?
Meiko looked at her. Don't you think you should do it?
He'd be really happy.
Tsukasa said, I just realized. Today's the third of March and Graduation is in June. If I'm still pregnant in June, then how can I go to school? It would be like the world's biggest joke, wouldn't it, a guy with a belly? And weddings in which the bride is obviously stuffed... those aren't exactly classy
You might not show.
Tsukasa said, and hiccuped. It's so weird, I never even thought about it before. If I have a kid, I'll be like my mother, I'll just reject it. Like those hamsters that eat their babies. Maybe some nice family would come along and take care of it for me.
Like Wakasa?
Yeah. She never cared about me, you know, I was just a temporary inconvenience. And I can't care about her either. Sometimes the sort of love that's supposed to be natural just isn't.
Meiko sat down. Sometimes it isn't. She said. But in your case I think it is, I think it would be. Because you love Ryuji...
Tsukasa stiffened a bit. Meiko could see it in the way she clenched her elbows close to her waist. There was something there, maybe.
she said. It's not...
Now this was an impossible topic to talk about, without knowing any of what had been going on.
Sex with Ryuji... She tried again.
Tsukasa just stared at her. She looked, Meiko thought, completely miserable. Wifey things... She said. You have to learn how to cook, right?
Tsukasa looked at her as if that was possibly the stupidest thing she had ever heard. Finally Meiko just sighed. Try this...
Ryuji was waiting outside the door of the clinic, smoking. Meiko watched as Tsukasa casually pulled the cigarette away as she walked past. Without responding he pulled another one out of the pack and trotted to catch up with her.
Where am I going? Tsukasa wondered. Back to my room? I'll close the door and lock in Ryuji's face, if I have to. But, she kept walking past the door, toward Ryuji's at the end of the hall. The kumiin by the door was sleeping and for once she was really, really glad.
He looked completely surprised, so she grabbed him by the hand and pulled him inside, then let out a great breath of air and sat down on the bed.
she said. This Durga stuff is stupid, isn't it?
He just looked at her. He tried to remember what Men Who Love Women and The Women Who Can Never Understand Them (the sequel to Women Who Love Men and The Men Who Can Never Understand Them) had said about this kind of situation. She was sitting on his bed. Did she want to have sex? He didn't want to do it if it was going to mess everything up again.
It's a yakuza thing, I guess. He said, and sat down next to her. the whole idea of a goddess of war'...
I can't really protect you. As much as I want to, something might happen... I mean, I don't think it's likely, but... Also, I'm not really good with arranging flowers and hostess stuff.
Ryuji, am I a really bad lover?
He flopped back on the bed. It was your first time, right? You shouldn't worry about that, it's my fault if things didn't go well. She looked down at him. He was blushing furiously. If Ryuji had just made an admission to being bad in the sack then it was also likely that the sun had just burned out and that everyone on earth had less than 8 minutes of light remaining. She wanted to kiss him. How far can I go, she wondered, before I start to get embarrassed again? She put her hand on his chest, and then, after a pause, started to unbutton his shirt. He leaned up to kiss her and gently she pushed him back down.
Let's go really slow this time, ok? Really slow...
