How to Win Friends, Influence People and Steal the Throne aka The Secret Diaries of Duke Roger of Conté aka The Duke Diaries

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A/N: I am so incrediblely sorry. I grovel before thee! Long story short I have been at a high injury/illness level not particularly conductive to writing and when I was I was working on original pieces for my website *cough* go visit it! *cough*. I am I mean, horrid person... I think I actually forgot about this story between getting my front tooth knocked out and getting various needles stuck in me to see exactly what I had (it was viral menegitis). But the nice ER nurses generally frown upon tthe use of laptops when you are in the emergency room severely dehydrated, curled in the fetal position, and whimpering with pain. I think they frown upon it anyway, something about laptops causing some previously unheard of cancer. Plus missing over a month of school gives you LOADS of make-up work.

This story was called brilliant! I really can't believe it! I was called brilliant! Anyway thanks for the tip on how to do the accented e but I'm on a iBook and it doesn't have a number pad so I can't use it, I've used the alt/number pad tricks millions on my family PC but I can't use it on my computer. Thanks because I looked it up in help and I found how to do it. I love you .

I just realized how many years I have to go through... Good God! Especially if I do after his first death...

Read my other fic, The Traitors in Our Midst if you feel like being kind to me. It has a more serious note to it; a pregnant, captured behind enemy lines and quasi-suicidal Kel, a lost Dom and psychotic warlord. What else could you want? Okay shameless self-promotion over. Actually don't, I haven't posted it for about six months...

Disclaimer: Shit! I forgot to put this in last time! Whoops! I own nothing, got it? Nothing. I wish I owned George though...

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From the desk of the late Duke Roger of Conté:

May 6th through May 12th 420 H.E.

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May 6th 420 H.E.

Dear Diary,

Negotiations with the waifs went better than I expected. They agreed to do it for only one gold noble apiece, a much better bargain than I expected. I shall depart from Corus to Carthak in two days saying one of my old teachers requested assistance with a magical experiment and they need my presence as soon as possible. Then after several days in Carthak to keep suspicion away from my most cunning self I shall signal the urchins to do their jobs.

Tunic Update: I was unable to find a tunic of comparable style and quality to replace the one that was ruined by the beggar man yesterday. Carthak should have a good selection, maybe I could even get Orzone to help me pick out a suitable replacement. But considering he just had his coronation ceremony three months ago he probably will not have any time to spare for me this visit, I'll just have to wait for him to have all of his realms under his grasp before I go to him for fashion advice.

Your Soon-To-Be-Evil-Majesty,

Duke (I will be King dammit!) Roger of Conté

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May 8th 420 H.E.

Dear Diary,

I announced my departure from Court today and I think that the response went rather well, all things considered. Of course all the women sobbed, sad to see my handsome figure leave and the men were sad to see my wit and brilliance go, but I assured them that my trip would not be a long one and before they realized I was gone, I would be back again. I began to pack my bags so that I would be ready to leave when that time came. Now the loss of my tunic weighs most heavily on me because I was planning on wearing it to my presentation at court. When I spoke to Orzone through the fire about my arrival he said that I may stay in the royal palace and I am allowed full access to all of the university's resources. I must finish writing now, it is time for my departure. I can't be late.

Your Most Royal Evil Majesty,

Duke (I'm gonna be king, I'm gonna be king...) Roger of Conté

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May 10th 420 HE

Dear Diary,

Learned many vital bits of information for when I become king. First thing I shall do upon attaining my new position is to make a treaty with Orzone. Orzone is a very power hungry ruler, he plans to conquer as much of the known world as humanly possible. Rather than falling prey to his plot I shall make a treaty with him and help him conquer as much of the known world as humanly possible. Second thing I must do as ruler is either marry some harlot, get her with child then forget she exists after claiming the child; or adopt. Right now adoption seems to be the better choice but I do not believe that the Tortallans would like a heir from a line other than mine, which has such beauty, grace, cunning and suavity.

I was lucky, for when my room was assigned I was placed in the royal wing, just down the hall from Orzone. We will have a good deal to catch up on and much scheming to do if we plan to take joint control of the Eastern Lands.

Tunic Update: I have been given a beautiful tunic that is almost identical to my old one by Orzone but he demands that it is returned to him by the end of my visit for it was expensive and it is his favorite. It is great that I have such caring friends.

The Soon To Be Royal Big Bad,

Duke (will be legally changed to King soon) Roger of Conté

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May 12th 420 H.E.

Dear Diary,

I have given off the signal. As of yet there has been no reply. Am hoping this means the little princeling is dead and everyone is grieving so much that they have not bothered to tell me. Will wait patiently by fire for a message.

The Bored and Anxious Future King,

Duke (I can feel it, I will be king!) Roger of Conté

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May 12th (11 o'clock at night) 420 H.E.

Dear Diary,

Have had no reply from Corus. I fear that my plan did not follow the plan I planned, as planned. What if the annoying prig of a prince is still alive? I will check in on the palace through the fire now.

Pissed Off Will Be King,

Duke (will... be... king...) Roger of Conté

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May 12th (yes, even later) 420 H.E.

Dear Diary,

The prince is alive and well. the stampede missed him by a mile. Am going to go sulk now. I wonder if I should take a break from being evil... NAH!

Sulking, sad, and defeated will be King,

Duke (must... be... king...) Roger of Conté

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May 13th

Dear Diary,

Although I decided not to give up upon the most worthy cause of my stealing the throne I have decided to put my evil plots on hiatus, as my luck seems to be rather, unlucky. Perhaps, I should just let my ideas stew for a while. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and that rot.

A rather tired sleepy and dejected soon-to-be King,

Duke (my day will come) Roger of Conté

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A/N: Thus ends another installment of the Duke Diaries... I hope you enjoyed the show. Will try to hurry up the next chapter...