BREAK-DOWN
Chapter Four
Knees, surgery, bad, steps, surgery, knees, not able to walk, wheelchair, no, no, no, no, NO!
But Faith didn't say a word. No, she didn't dare give him that pleasure. She was quiet as Dr. Zenger explained to her what the surgery would entail. She was quiet when her mother put an arm around her. She was quiet when her mother wrote out a bill that more reminded Faith of the price of a hotel on Park Place or a chance card in Monopoly than a doctor's fee. She was quiet when she got into the car, and she was quiet when her mother asked her if she wanted to go out to lunch and took her anyway.
The host showed them to their seats at "The Big Apple", a quaint, old-fashioned restaurant her family frequented. Their menus came and went, and Faith stared blankly at her mother.
It was funny, Jackie thought bleakly as she ordered a BLT with light mayonnaise and specified that she wanted her Thousand Island, or Russian, whatever they had, on the side of her salad. You imagine so many things for your child to go through….cancer, drugs, abusive relationships with boyfriends, getting into a car accident, being kidnapped…..Inside her mind she bitterly laughed. But for her daughter to be raped of her ability to walk…It seemed so distant that Jackie had never truly considered it.
Yet here it was, boldly staring her in the face, leaving her helpless to watch it consume her daughter.
Faith hadn't spoken for fear that she would burst into a fit of tears in public…one thing she had vowed never to do since her teachers yelled at her for her shameless hysterics in grade school. Faith kept holding on. She simply just wouldn't allow herself the luxury of crying.
After all, soon, she wouldn't be allowed the luxury of walking. God, how Faith had taken it for granted. Walking, running, playing soccer, smiling even…it was gone, or would be soon by the doctor's predictions. Eighteen…it was something Faith had always looked forward to, and now she dreaded it. And would it come right away? It wasn't like the second she turned eighteen she would crumple into a pile and be fine up until that one point. However, that was exactly how Faith imagined it. Walking one day, and waking up the next on her eighteenth birthday paralyzed. She'd need a wheelchair. God, a wheelchair – when she was eighteen? When she'd finally gained freedom, it would be stripped of her. She would never marry or have kids or get a job. After all, who wanted to marry someone in a wheelchair?
The salad with Thousand Island on the side, and Faith's bowl of chicken noodle soup came.
Faith turned to her mother, her voice polite and very out of place considered what had just happened. "Thank you for taking me out to lunch."
Jackie's eyes watered. "I was happy to."
Faith looked down at her soup. Celery. Celery and onions. Faith hated celery and onions.
Faith's spoon clamored against the plate, and she broke down. A small high-pitched moan escaped her throat, and she strongly pressed her palm against her lips, as if doing so would silence her cries. But it was to no avail, and another took its place after the first.
Other tables started to look over, and mortified, Faith found herself helpless to only cry harder and more loudly. Hot tears poured from her eyes and hit her glasses before cascading downward mirroring the rocks on a waterfall.
Her mother moved to comfort her, and for the first time in a long time, Faith allowed her to. She wasn't sure for how long she sat there, shaking and crying for all the restaurant to see, but she hit a point where she didn't care. Let them watch me, she thought bitingly. Let them think I'm some kind of messed-up teenager. They're right….I am. Mentally and physically…
"It's not fair," she got out between her string of tears. "This is NOT fair…"
Faith and her mother left the restaurant without their lunch and leaving a twenty to cover the bill. When they neared the house, Faith's tears stopped, and she once again became quiet. She didn't speak, didn't think. She wasn't really there. Depression hit and hit hard, leaving Faith ignorant to stop it.
But even if she had cared, she probably wouldn't have even tried to push herself out of it. She didn't deserve it, and in another few years her life would be over anyway. These thoughts were Faith's place to hide, and with no light to shield her from the darkness, Faith embraced it and became a part of it.
She forgot her mother, the doctor, and even the strange priest who had tried
to call her away from her appointment. She was focused on her deepening
self-pity now, and the more it consumed her, the more it would take a miracle to
break her from it…..
