At the Opera
by Rainsong
A/N: I'm actually pleased with this fanfic. Its been working out quite well, and will continue until..well, until I run out of ideas for it. So expect it to be lengthy. Also, thanks so much to everyone who's reviewed, including: emily, Crystalite104, Canadianna, wellduh..., Ariana Black, Sweetie, Phantom of the Basement, Don't hate me.., Torie, Sirius's Soul Mate, Nobody In Particular, -_-, Llybian, Yuffie-Girl, wellduh..., and Lilyanna.
Disclaimer: This is written purely for entertainment. I do not claim ownership to Harry Potter and associated trademarks. Also, no Germans were harmed in the making of this fanfic.
~~~
REMUS: Is it just me or did this suddenly become extremely risqué?
JAMES: What did you expect, Moony, with all of those "voluptuous" women running around?
SIRIUS: That makes two in one night, Remus. Voluptuous and risqué.
REMUS: Shut up, Sirius. You're the one who claims I'm losing my edge.
SIRIUS: Only because you gave me reason to believe that it was true.
LILY: Out of sheer curiosity, how far exactly can these actors go in front of a large audience in a government-owned structure?
*audience gasps*
SIRIUS: There's the answer to your question, Lily. By the way, you have more light where you're sitting than I do. Could you tell me, is James blushing yet?
JAMES: Stuff it, Padfoot. I am not blushing.
LILY: Actually, there is a bit more color in your face than usual...I certainly hope its not those strange hors d'oeuvres. I did think that one piece of shrimp looked unusually pink..
SIRIUS: ..and triumphantly, the victorious one rides unto the doting masses...
JAMES: I'm going to break your neck, Padfoot. Chicken style, even.
SIRIUS: You couldn't catch me if you tried.
JAMES: Want to bet on that?
SIRIUS: Have you forgotten already? I gave you my last sickle.
JAMES: Sirius...
SIRIUS: Sorry. Shutting up now.
LILY: Alright, I'm not sure how much longer I can stand this.
REMUS: Likewise.
SIRIUS: Oh, come on. I consider myself lucky. At least we can't understand whatever they're saying to each other right now.
PETER: Why are they going up and down?
*Sirius falls out of his seat, breaks into hysterics*
REMUS: Hasn't that been covered, if not by Wizarding Health Class, by Sirius on numerous occasions?
PETER: Yes! I know very well what they're doing.
JAMES: Then why the question?
*Sirius begins to climb back into his chair*
PETER: Well, it just looked so... primitive.
*Sirius disappears to the floor again.*
LILY: Pete, lets just drop this one. Sirius is going to be regaining his normal breathing pattern soon.
*Sirius climbs off the floor, takes a seat*
SIRIUS: That was a refreshing breeze of idiocy.
PETER: Shut up, Sirius.
SIRIUS: No, Wormtail, I want to help you. Now, why ARE they going up and down? Maybe Prongs can answer that question, since he's so knowledgeable on this topic.
JAMES: Thats it. I'm going to strangle you, Padfoot.
SIRIUS: Could you explain this one to Peter, first?
JAMES: No, why don't you? I always thought this was your forte.
SIRIUS: Not really. I'm not dating anyone.
JAMES: That doesn't necessarily mean-
REMUS: Alright, enough!
LILY: Thank you, Remus.
REMUS: You're welcome. But keep in mind, it never lasts long.
SIRIUS: But that's better than it lasting forever, right? What would you do if you never heard our sweet voices ever again, Moony?
REMUS: Oh, lets see. I'd write a book, I'd become a world leader, and, most importantly, have a whole lot less injuries.
JAMES: Bollocks, Moony, your head would implode.
REMUS: Not likely.
JAMES: I'm telling you that it would. You'd have no one to use your outlandish intelligence on, and eventually it would just collect like a dust bunny in your mind, until...boom!
REMUS: Try it, why don't you? Disappear!
SIRIUS: We couldn't do that, Moony. It'd put you through some sort of intellectual withdrawal.
REMUS: Not true.
SIRIUS: I think it is, Moony. You'd have no one to correct, to reprimand, to annoy you..
REMUS: You make it sound like you're both stupid. Mental, maybe. Stupid, no. And anyway, so what? I would consider that a benefit.
JAMES: Not in the end. You're just that kind of person. You untangle garden hoses, solve math equations, enjoy brain teasers. Enormous brain teasers.
REMUS: Are you two suggesting that you're the Most Difficult Brain Teasers in the World?
JAMES and SIRIUS: Yes.
REMUS: Tell me something I don't know.
LILY: Please stop it, everyone. You could drive a Beauxbatons carriage through this argument and not scrape a fact. Except that I, personally, would miss James if he disappeared.
SIRIUS: What about me?
LILY: Well..
SIRIUS: What would you do without me, Lil? We couldn't team up to scare James on Halloween and April Fools Day. Or any other day of the year, for that matter.
LILY: Alright, I'd miss Sirius, too.
JAMES: Didn't we regain our dignity after we shed it previously?
REMUS: I don't know. If Sirius gives us all hugs on the way out of the theatre, we'll know for sure.
SIRIUS: For your information, I am dignity-savvy once again.
JAMES: (sarcastically) Aw, no hugs?
SIRIUS: Guess not.
LILY: I wonder how much longer this opera will continue. If it ends soon, we should all go somewhere.
SIRIUS: Where?
LILY: Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but James and I haven't been to the bookstore in town recently.
SIRIUS: The bookstore? Your dates must be fascinating..
LILY: Shut up, Sirius, there's a cafe in there.
SIRIUS: Oh, sure.
LILY: What, you think I'm lying?
SIRIUS: Well, you could be reading a book titled "Cafe."
LILY: Ugh. Look, there is an actual cafe in there. And that's where we're going.
SIRIUS: I love it when you lay down the law.
LILY: Did I just say that I'd miss Sirius a few moments ago?
JAMES: You did. I knew it'd be one of those things you'd regret.
SIRIUS: Hey! Sirius-worship does not come with receipts.
REMUS: There's always room for improvement.
*A snore interrupts the conversation*
JAMES: Peter's sleeping.
SIRIUS: Good observation.
JAMES: Thanks, I thought so myself.
LILY: Honestly. Is it that late?
JAMES: Must have been the hors d'oeuvres.
SIRIUS: The same ones that make you blush in sync with the mountain climbers' sex romp?
JAMES: I was NOT blushing.
LILY: Do you think we should wake him up?
REMUS: Nah, let him sleep. In fact, I wish I could sleep through this entire opera.
LILY: You know, I'm really sorry to drag you all to this thing. I didn't think it would
be this awful.
JAMES: Its ok, Lil. We're not angry.
SIRIUS: Speak for yourself, I-
*Sirius is kicked swiftly by James*
SIRIUS: -actually enjoyed it.
LILY: You don't have to be nice about it, Sirius.
SIRIUS: I shouldn't be mean about it, either.
LILY: Yes, but we all know it was a waste of time and money.
JAMES: Not necessarily. We got to learn a thing or two about German mountain climbing culture, and were able to eat foods that, among other things, contained at least one color of the rainbow per serving.
REMUS: And, according to the program, we still have quite a bit of time left. So stop talking as though we're about to leave.
JAMES: You've had a program this whole time?
REMUS: Yeah. So?
JAMES: Does it say anything about the origin of this madness?
REMUS: No, unfortunately. It lists the actors, and the scenes. And, according to what I'm reading right now, in the next scene all of the mountain climbers die.
SIRIUS: Really? You're not just saying that to make me feel better?
REMUS: You haven't listened to the rest of the scene. After they die, we meet up with them again in the afterlife.
*Groans*
SIRIUS: Look on the bright side. Maybe they end up in some hallucinogen-induced euphoria.
JAMES: Don't go there, Padfoot. Please.
SIRIUS: Oh, yeah, you had that incident with your herbology homework..
REMUS: Oh, I remember that. I don't know how you misinterpreted that assignment, James.
JAMES: So what? I misread it. I thought it said "eat" instead of "beat."
REMUS: And we all learned the side effects of that one.
SIRIUS: And I quote, " The furniture is moving. That's not supposed to happen."
JAMES: Leave me alone, Padfoot. It was a mistake anyone could have made.
SIRIUS: No, I don't think so. Only you, Prongs.
REMUS: Its good we got you out of the hospital wing in time. Madam Pomfrey was planning on keeping you for observation for the next week. She must have found it as amusing as we did.
SIRIUS: That really was a brilliant plan, wasn't it? The one we used to get you out of the hospital wing
JAMES: I suppose so. I wouldn't call it the best, though.
SIRIUS: What do you mean?
JAMES: I mean that I've come up with better.
SIRIUS: You have not! I think I'm the undisputed King of Cunning Plans. I bet you couldn't even figure out a plan to get onto center stage at this opera house during the production, and that's almost too simple.
JAMES: I think I can, and it'll be much better than any of your schemes.
SIRIUS: Fine, make a plan, and then we will follow it to the letter. The embarrassment that will inevitably follow will help you understand why I am a genius and why you are someone who plays hide-and-seek with a sandwich.
JAMES: *sputters*
LILY: No one is going on stage. We'll be thrown out and humiliated.
REMUS: Relax, they never go through with things of that proportion.
JAMES: Ah, foiled again by government policy and good common sense.
SIRIUS: Especially when there are such better targets. Come on, Lil, the night is young and we have umbrellas in our drinks!
LILY: I have this funny pain in the back of my head all of a sudden...
SIRIUS: Must be from Remus. He tries so hard to pretend he doesn't enjoy our pranks.
REMUS: I enjoy some of them. Others are downright appalling.
JAMES: We've never done anything appalling. At least not to anyone outside of Slytherin house.
REMUS: See my point?
SNACK MAN: I have more food!
SIRIUS: No thanks, Snack Man.
SNACK MAN: Well..is there anything else I can do for you?
SIRIUS: (thoughtfully) Well..do you have any of those plastic eating utensils?
SNACK MAN: Yes, in fact. I have spoons, forks, knives, sporks..
*Lily jumps out of her seat and grabs Snack Man violently*
LILY: YOU HAD TO SAY IT, DIDN'T YOU?
SNACK MAN: *bewildered* W-W-What?
LILY: The S-word, you fool!
JAMES: Calm down, Lily. He doesn't understand.
SNACK MAN: S-word?
JAMES: Spork. You said 'spork'
SNACK MAN: What does that have to do with anything?
JAMES: Sirius has a thing about sporks.
SNACK MAN: A..thing?
JAMES: Oh, you know. A fascination, fixation, obsession, preoccupation!
SIRIUS: (Quietly) May I have a spork?
*All eyes turn to Sirius*
LILY: *loosens her grip on Snack Man* You're not going mad?
SIRIUS: No. May I have a spork?
*Snack Man cautiously hands Sirius a spork*
SIRIUS: This is a nice, sharp, springy one. Thank you, Snack Man.
JAMES: I don't believe this. Padfoot's been cured!
REMUS: It appears that he has. Maybe someone should poke him, just to make sure.
SIRIUS: No, really. I'm fine.
*Sirius stands up, leans against the balcony rail*
LILY: Are you sure?
SIRIUS: Yes, absolutely. I've found my place in the world.
JAMES: Is anyone else getting chills from the way Padfoot is talking?
ALL: Yes.
SIRIUS: Don't worry. I've found the perfect spork. My life quest is over. Fare thee well.
*Sirius leans backwards, and smiles serenely as he topples over the ledge of the balcony and begins to fall towards the cement floor many stories below.*
~~~~~
A/N: No, no, I didn't kill Sirius! Trust me, if Sirius ever dies in any of my fanfiction, it will be a Really Noble Death. And throwing himself over an opera house balcony over a spork isn't very noble. So, next chapter: Find out how Sirius survives his fall uninjured and at the same time leaves the Muggles oblivious. Also, Snack Man's shift ends.
By the way, I am particularly horrified by this chapter, which was neither funny nor in good taste. I apologize about the sporks, folks, but please remember that it could have been a spatula. Then we'd all be sleeping with the lights on.
by Rainsong
A/N: I'm actually pleased with this fanfic. Its been working out quite well, and will continue until..well, until I run out of ideas for it. So expect it to be lengthy. Also, thanks so much to everyone who's reviewed, including: emily, Crystalite104, Canadianna, wellduh..., Ariana Black, Sweetie, Phantom of the Basement, Don't hate me.., Torie, Sirius's Soul Mate, Nobody In Particular, -_-, Llybian, Yuffie-Girl, wellduh..., and Lilyanna.
Disclaimer: This is written purely for entertainment. I do not claim ownership to Harry Potter and associated trademarks. Also, no Germans were harmed in the making of this fanfic.
~~~
REMUS: Is it just me or did this suddenly become extremely risqué?
JAMES: What did you expect, Moony, with all of those "voluptuous" women running around?
SIRIUS: That makes two in one night, Remus. Voluptuous and risqué.
REMUS: Shut up, Sirius. You're the one who claims I'm losing my edge.
SIRIUS: Only because you gave me reason to believe that it was true.
LILY: Out of sheer curiosity, how far exactly can these actors go in front of a large audience in a government-owned structure?
*audience gasps*
SIRIUS: There's the answer to your question, Lily. By the way, you have more light where you're sitting than I do. Could you tell me, is James blushing yet?
JAMES: Stuff it, Padfoot. I am not blushing.
LILY: Actually, there is a bit more color in your face than usual...I certainly hope its not those strange hors d'oeuvres. I did think that one piece of shrimp looked unusually pink..
SIRIUS: ..and triumphantly, the victorious one rides unto the doting masses...
JAMES: I'm going to break your neck, Padfoot. Chicken style, even.
SIRIUS: You couldn't catch me if you tried.
JAMES: Want to bet on that?
SIRIUS: Have you forgotten already? I gave you my last sickle.
JAMES: Sirius...
SIRIUS: Sorry. Shutting up now.
LILY: Alright, I'm not sure how much longer I can stand this.
REMUS: Likewise.
SIRIUS: Oh, come on. I consider myself lucky. At least we can't understand whatever they're saying to each other right now.
PETER: Why are they going up and down?
*Sirius falls out of his seat, breaks into hysterics*
REMUS: Hasn't that been covered, if not by Wizarding Health Class, by Sirius on numerous occasions?
PETER: Yes! I know very well what they're doing.
JAMES: Then why the question?
*Sirius begins to climb back into his chair*
PETER: Well, it just looked so... primitive.
*Sirius disappears to the floor again.*
LILY: Pete, lets just drop this one. Sirius is going to be regaining his normal breathing pattern soon.
*Sirius climbs off the floor, takes a seat*
SIRIUS: That was a refreshing breeze of idiocy.
PETER: Shut up, Sirius.
SIRIUS: No, Wormtail, I want to help you. Now, why ARE they going up and down? Maybe Prongs can answer that question, since he's so knowledgeable on this topic.
JAMES: Thats it. I'm going to strangle you, Padfoot.
SIRIUS: Could you explain this one to Peter, first?
JAMES: No, why don't you? I always thought this was your forte.
SIRIUS: Not really. I'm not dating anyone.
JAMES: That doesn't necessarily mean-
REMUS: Alright, enough!
LILY: Thank you, Remus.
REMUS: You're welcome. But keep in mind, it never lasts long.
SIRIUS: But that's better than it lasting forever, right? What would you do if you never heard our sweet voices ever again, Moony?
REMUS: Oh, lets see. I'd write a book, I'd become a world leader, and, most importantly, have a whole lot less injuries.
JAMES: Bollocks, Moony, your head would implode.
REMUS: Not likely.
JAMES: I'm telling you that it would. You'd have no one to use your outlandish intelligence on, and eventually it would just collect like a dust bunny in your mind, until...boom!
REMUS: Try it, why don't you? Disappear!
SIRIUS: We couldn't do that, Moony. It'd put you through some sort of intellectual withdrawal.
REMUS: Not true.
SIRIUS: I think it is, Moony. You'd have no one to correct, to reprimand, to annoy you..
REMUS: You make it sound like you're both stupid. Mental, maybe. Stupid, no. And anyway, so what? I would consider that a benefit.
JAMES: Not in the end. You're just that kind of person. You untangle garden hoses, solve math equations, enjoy brain teasers. Enormous brain teasers.
REMUS: Are you two suggesting that you're the Most Difficult Brain Teasers in the World?
JAMES and SIRIUS: Yes.
REMUS: Tell me something I don't know.
LILY: Please stop it, everyone. You could drive a Beauxbatons carriage through this argument and not scrape a fact. Except that I, personally, would miss James if he disappeared.
SIRIUS: What about me?
LILY: Well..
SIRIUS: What would you do without me, Lil? We couldn't team up to scare James on Halloween and April Fools Day. Or any other day of the year, for that matter.
LILY: Alright, I'd miss Sirius, too.
JAMES: Didn't we regain our dignity after we shed it previously?
REMUS: I don't know. If Sirius gives us all hugs on the way out of the theatre, we'll know for sure.
SIRIUS: For your information, I am dignity-savvy once again.
JAMES: (sarcastically) Aw, no hugs?
SIRIUS: Guess not.
LILY: I wonder how much longer this opera will continue. If it ends soon, we should all go somewhere.
SIRIUS: Where?
LILY: Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but James and I haven't been to the bookstore in town recently.
SIRIUS: The bookstore? Your dates must be fascinating..
LILY: Shut up, Sirius, there's a cafe in there.
SIRIUS: Oh, sure.
LILY: What, you think I'm lying?
SIRIUS: Well, you could be reading a book titled "Cafe."
LILY: Ugh. Look, there is an actual cafe in there. And that's where we're going.
SIRIUS: I love it when you lay down the law.
LILY: Did I just say that I'd miss Sirius a few moments ago?
JAMES: You did. I knew it'd be one of those things you'd regret.
SIRIUS: Hey! Sirius-worship does not come with receipts.
REMUS: There's always room for improvement.
*A snore interrupts the conversation*
JAMES: Peter's sleeping.
SIRIUS: Good observation.
JAMES: Thanks, I thought so myself.
LILY: Honestly. Is it that late?
JAMES: Must have been the hors d'oeuvres.
SIRIUS: The same ones that make you blush in sync with the mountain climbers' sex romp?
JAMES: I was NOT blushing.
LILY: Do you think we should wake him up?
REMUS: Nah, let him sleep. In fact, I wish I could sleep through this entire opera.
LILY: You know, I'm really sorry to drag you all to this thing. I didn't think it would
be this awful.
JAMES: Its ok, Lil. We're not angry.
SIRIUS: Speak for yourself, I-
*Sirius is kicked swiftly by James*
SIRIUS: -actually enjoyed it.
LILY: You don't have to be nice about it, Sirius.
SIRIUS: I shouldn't be mean about it, either.
LILY: Yes, but we all know it was a waste of time and money.
JAMES: Not necessarily. We got to learn a thing or two about German mountain climbing culture, and were able to eat foods that, among other things, contained at least one color of the rainbow per serving.
REMUS: And, according to the program, we still have quite a bit of time left. So stop talking as though we're about to leave.
JAMES: You've had a program this whole time?
REMUS: Yeah. So?
JAMES: Does it say anything about the origin of this madness?
REMUS: No, unfortunately. It lists the actors, and the scenes. And, according to what I'm reading right now, in the next scene all of the mountain climbers die.
SIRIUS: Really? You're not just saying that to make me feel better?
REMUS: You haven't listened to the rest of the scene. After they die, we meet up with them again in the afterlife.
*Groans*
SIRIUS: Look on the bright side. Maybe they end up in some hallucinogen-induced euphoria.
JAMES: Don't go there, Padfoot. Please.
SIRIUS: Oh, yeah, you had that incident with your herbology homework..
REMUS: Oh, I remember that. I don't know how you misinterpreted that assignment, James.
JAMES: So what? I misread it. I thought it said "eat" instead of "beat."
REMUS: And we all learned the side effects of that one.
SIRIUS: And I quote, " The furniture is moving. That's not supposed to happen."
JAMES: Leave me alone, Padfoot. It was a mistake anyone could have made.
SIRIUS: No, I don't think so. Only you, Prongs.
REMUS: Its good we got you out of the hospital wing in time. Madam Pomfrey was planning on keeping you for observation for the next week. She must have found it as amusing as we did.
SIRIUS: That really was a brilliant plan, wasn't it? The one we used to get you out of the hospital wing
JAMES: I suppose so. I wouldn't call it the best, though.
SIRIUS: What do you mean?
JAMES: I mean that I've come up with better.
SIRIUS: You have not! I think I'm the undisputed King of Cunning Plans. I bet you couldn't even figure out a plan to get onto center stage at this opera house during the production, and that's almost too simple.
JAMES: I think I can, and it'll be much better than any of your schemes.
SIRIUS: Fine, make a plan, and then we will follow it to the letter. The embarrassment that will inevitably follow will help you understand why I am a genius and why you are someone who plays hide-and-seek with a sandwich.
JAMES: *sputters*
LILY: No one is going on stage. We'll be thrown out and humiliated.
REMUS: Relax, they never go through with things of that proportion.
JAMES: Ah, foiled again by government policy and good common sense.
SIRIUS: Especially when there are such better targets. Come on, Lil, the night is young and we have umbrellas in our drinks!
LILY: I have this funny pain in the back of my head all of a sudden...
SIRIUS: Must be from Remus. He tries so hard to pretend he doesn't enjoy our pranks.
REMUS: I enjoy some of them. Others are downright appalling.
JAMES: We've never done anything appalling. At least not to anyone outside of Slytherin house.
REMUS: See my point?
SNACK MAN: I have more food!
SIRIUS: No thanks, Snack Man.
SNACK MAN: Well..is there anything else I can do for you?
SIRIUS: (thoughtfully) Well..do you have any of those plastic eating utensils?
SNACK MAN: Yes, in fact. I have spoons, forks, knives, sporks..
*Lily jumps out of her seat and grabs Snack Man violently*
LILY: YOU HAD TO SAY IT, DIDN'T YOU?
SNACK MAN: *bewildered* W-W-What?
LILY: The S-word, you fool!
JAMES: Calm down, Lily. He doesn't understand.
SNACK MAN: S-word?
JAMES: Spork. You said 'spork'
SNACK MAN: What does that have to do with anything?
JAMES: Sirius has a thing about sporks.
SNACK MAN: A..thing?
JAMES: Oh, you know. A fascination, fixation, obsession, preoccupation!
SIRIUS: (Quietly) May I have a spork?
*All eyes turn to Sirius*
LILY: *loosens her grip on Snack Man* You're not going mad?
SIRIUS: No. May I have a spork?
*Snack Man cautiously hands Sirius a spork*
SIRIUS: This is a nice, sharp, springy one. Thank you, Snack Man.
JAMES: I don't believe this. Padfoot's been cured!
REMUS: It appears that he has. Maybe someone should poke him, just to make sure.
SIRIUS: No, really. I'm fine.
*Sirius stands up, leans against the balcony rail*
LILY: Are you sure?
SIRIUS: Yes, absolutely. I've found my place in the world.
JAMES: Is anyone else getting chills from the way Padfoot is talking?
ALL: Yes.
SIRIUS: Don't worry. I've found the perfect spork. My life quest is over. Fare thee well.
*Sirius leans backwards, and smiles serenely as he topples over the ledge of the balcony and begins to fall towards the cement floor many stories below.*
~~~~~
A/N: No, no, I didn't kill Sirius! Trust me, if Sirius ever dies in any of my fanfiction, it will be a Really Noble Death. And throwing himself over an opera house balcony over a spork isn't very noble. So, next chapter: Find out how Sirius survives his fall uninjured and at the same time leaves the Muggles oblivious. Also, Snack Man's shift ends.
By the way, I am particularly horrified by this chapter, which was neither funny nor in good taste. I apologize about the sporks, folks, but please remember that it could have been a spatula. Then we'd all be sleeping with the lights on.
