At The Opera By Rainsong

A/N: I apologize for being so ridiculously slow. If it weren't really, really late, I'd write more about my idiocy. Hope you enjoy the chapter!

Act 5

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SIRIUS: Pass the tray, Remington

REMUS: I thought we already went through this..?

SIRIUS: Did we?

REMUS: I hope you're perfectly aware that I will not listen to this to for the next 70-some years.

SIRIUS: Even if I stop calling you Remington?

REMUS: Yes, even if you stop calling me Remington.

SIRIUS: Well, I don't see how me being a senile madman could worsen the situation.

REMUS: True. You'd have to teeter to the bathroom every thirty minutes. At least it would shorten the amount of time I'm stuck with you.

SIRIUS: Perhaps we'd both just fall asleep and not realize we were still in the same room with each other. Then one of us would wake up and shout, "I thought you died years ago!"

REMUS: Right.

SIRIUS: What do you mean, "Right"?

REMUS: Dear me, it seems I just agreed with Sirius.

JAMES: So you have. How does it feel, to prove the predictions of thousands wrong?

SIRIUS: Oh, stuff it, Prongs. You're messing with the vibe.

JAMES: Oh, I see. There's a vibe now. I missed a memo.

SIRIUS: Just a memo?

JAMES: Many memos. A plethora of memos.

SIRIUS: I'll have to start putting the important dates on Post-It Enchanted Notes, eh?

JAMES: Knock yourself out.

REMUS: Please.

SIRIUS: Oh Remington, how tortured are thee?

LILY: If they get into a fistfight, I've got 50 on Sirius.

SIRIUS: So you honestly think I'd win?

REMUS: Wait up, why would I lose?

LILY: Because Sirius plays dirty.

SIRIUS: *collapses*

LILY: Oh, shut up, I didn't mean it that way!

SIRIUS: "Sirius plays dirty"..priceless.

LILY: I meant that you'd be unfair in a fight.

SIRIUS: Oh, right. A mud fight, perhaps?

LILY: No..

SIRIUS: In leather trousers?

LILY: Well, you have to admit, that is sort of sexy.

JAMES: I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Lil. No more fueling the fire, please.

LILY: I was only joking.

REMUS: It remains as an unpleasant array of images, nonetheless.

LILY: What, saying that Sirius is sexy?

JAMES: Please stop. I'm willing to offer monetary incentives.

REMUS: You know, Padfoot's been quite silent, considering how much worship has been going on here.

LILY: Jokingly or otherwise.

SIRIUS: Remember what we said about vibes? I'm enjoying this vibe. Some things are best enjoyed in silence.

JAMES: There's my dose of unusual for the day.

REMUS: Maybe it was the whole spork issue that put him in such a good mood.

LILY: Maybe he's enjoying the opera.

SIRIUS: ..and maybe Snape is sitting by the fire with his mum, knitting pink balaclavas with love in every stitch.

LILY: Well, you do have a twisted sense of humor at times.

SIRIUS: This opera surpasses twisted.

JAMES: Are you still with us, Wormtail?

PETER: Just barely. I seem to have drifted off to-

SIRIUS: Sea?

PETER -sleep.

SIRIUS: Well, snap out of it. I think the chorus line is going to do an encore of that last catchy little number.

JAMES: "That Wretched Cat Has Spoiled the Mayonnaise"?

SIRIUS: I think it's catchy.

LILY: You know what I was thinking about the other day?

SIRIUS: James in his Quidditch trousers?

LILY: No. But it does trouble me that they've switched from corduroy to khaki..

JAMES: Back to the topic at hand. Lil, what were you thinking about the other day?

LILY: Oh, right. I was wondering about our future careers.

REMUS: That's not hard. Sirius will be unemployed, James will be playing Quidditch, I'll be a librarian, Peter will be a taste-tester for Butterbeer products, and you'll be a well-known fashion model.

SIRIUS: Way to hit the nail on the head, Remington!

REMUS: Well, that's the stereotype inflicted upon us all.

LILY: But realistically, what will we all be doing?

REMUS: Realistic..tough concept for this lot, but here goes nothing. You and James and Sirius will all be Aurors- SIRIUS: Being a Chosen One is such fun.

REMUS -I'll probably end up teaching at Hogwarts, or working a bunch of odd jobs populated by other not-entirely-humans-

JAMES: Pessimist.

REMUS: -and Peter will find a fantastic job as..well, actually I don't know. What do you want to do, Peter?

PETER: Travel, maybe. Open a pub somewhere.

REMUS: There you go. Peter's Pub.

SIRIUS: That is totally uninspired.

REMUS: Oh, you can do better?

SIRIUS: How about "Peter's Pub of Pathetic Pastimes"? Beat that.

REMUS: "Peter Pettigrew's Positively Pleasant Pub of Perfectly Pissed People".

JAMES: Regardless of the fact that Sirius never admits defeat, I don't know how he can beat that.

SIRIUS: "Peter Percival Pettigrew's Peppy Primetime Pub of Pansies, Politicians, Prostitutes, and Pork Rinds".

REMUS: All right, you win.

SIRIUS: I know.

LILY: Well, we all seem to be living awfully independent lives. What about children?

JAMES: What kind of children?

SIRIUS: Oh, you know. The kind that keep cockroaches as pets and have third nipples. What do you mean, 'what kind of children?'

JAMES: I mean who would be the ones with children? Certainly not you, Padfoot.

SIRIUS: Likewise, Prongs.

LILY: I had a dream that every one of us had children, and they all looked like us, and they all played together in a sandbox.

JAMES: And of course its you, who has the prophetic dreams, that brings this into the conversation.

LILY: I see nothing wrong with that dream coming true.

JAMES: Maybe you don't.

SIRIUS: I wouldn't worry. Not every dream you have comes true. I mean, what else did you dream last night? Can you remember?

LILY: I dreamt..I dreamt that Sirius and I opened an office supply warehouse..

SIRIUS: See? Calm down, Prongs. Until the day you fear my Spellotape and lined paper, you will not be cursed with children that look just like you.

JAMES: You flatter me.

LILY: Oh, James, don't listen to him. You're absolutely adorable.

SIRIUS: So you've gotten over the khaki trousers?

LILY: Entirely.

PETER: *jumps in surprise*

SIRIUS: Never seen explosives before, Pete?

PETER: They were loud and unexpected.

REMUS: Uncalled for, too. The chorus line was heading into that aquatic scene.

JAMES: Yes, but there were mermaids with cannons.

SIRIUS: I've never seen mermaids that good-looking before.

LILY: Its sort of a Muggle thing. Drunken sailors in the 17th century saw mermaids, and, considering they hadn't seen women in months or years at a time, they hallucinated and believed them to be beautiful.

JAMES: If all the Muggle world has to support its theories are a lot of pissed seamen, we must be quite lucky.

SIRIUS: Lucky? But we have the Ministry of Magic.

JAMES: Oh, I see your point.

REMUS: Why are the mermaids on land suddenly?

SIRIUS: Actually, I think they can do that for a brief amount of time. I was running around the castle once, and I spotted one by the lake.

LILY: You run?

SIRIUS: And jump. And bend. And occasionally, frolic.

LILY: Well, I knew that you frolicked. But you run?

SIRIUS: If I'm feeling claustrophobic, yes.

LILY: Why would you ever feel claustrophobic?

SIRIUS: "Why would you feel claustrophobic? Why? Does THIS make you feel claustrophobic? God, there must be something very amiss. Just for reference, you feel claustrophobic right now, correct? What if I raise the room temperature?"

LILY: I do not do that.

SIRIUS: You just did.

LILY: No. I asked you a series of questions.

SIRIUS: Repetitive questions.

LILY: Maybe if you stopped giving repetitive answers, I wouldn't have to ask the same questions time and time again.

SIRIUS: Maybe if you started running around the castle, you'd understand.

LILY: Maybe if I got one good blow to the head I'd understand!

PETER: SHUT UP!

JAMES: Well that was out of character.

PETER: I'm sorry, I couldn't help it! They just kept arguing, and arguing..

REMUS: Yes, they do have a tendency to do that, don't they?

LILY: Where have you been for the past 7 years and counting?

PETER: I've been sitting in patience.

SIRIUS: Or cold, bloodcurdling fear.

JAMES: For me its been the latter. I know better than to get involved in your stupid rows with Lily.

SIRIUS and LILY: They're not stupid.

JAMES: You just argued about claustrophobia in relation to repetition! And you tell me it wasn't stupid?

SIRIUS: You just don't see it the way we do.

LILY: Yes, we're quite unique that way.

SIRIUS: We should co-write a novel.

LILY: Yes. Why Our Bickering Is Utterly Misunderstood: A Memoir

SIRIUS: And if no one bought it, we could just use our own money to put it on the bestseller list.

JAMES: I don't get it. Lily can be standing on the Astronomy Tower balcony, viciously pummeling Sirius with ice cubes, but then the next moment they're sitting by the fire laughing like there's no tomorrow.

SIRIUS: We're just not uptight like you are, Prongs.

LILY: Yes, dear, do relax a bit.

JAMES: I just can't win.

REMUS: Join the club.

SIRIUS: I bet the membership for the club is expensive.

REMUS: Besides the issue where that was figurative, why, pray tell, do you say that, Padfoot?

SIRIUS: T-shirts.

JAMES: T-shirts?

SIRIUS: T-shirts. You know, there's the official membership one, that reads "Sirius and Lily are annoying lunatics that must be stopped." Then there's the optional "Annoyance is my religion, and Remington is my priest."

REMUS: He wants to kill me.

SIRIUS: If you do die of it, it'll be of fright.

REMUS: I'm annoyed, not terrified.

SIRIUS: For now.

JAMES: Is it over?

LILY: Sirius speaking? No.

JAMES: The opera.

LILY: No, it looks like an intermission.

SIRIUS: That means we get to wander the lobby, doesn't it?

LILY: Well, if you promise not to touch anything..

SIRIUS: Bloody hell, Lily, I'm not 3 years old.

LILY: No, but your mentality is.

SIRIUS: Sod off. I just want to look around anyway.

JAMES: Can we buy more food?

LILY: I suppose. You'll need Muggle money. We won't have another incident like last time.

SIRIUS: That was not an incident. It was an experiment.

REMUS: Well then, lets get moving then. Intermission won't last forever, unfortunately.