At The Opera
By Rainsong
A/N: I'm a pathetic human, I really am. It took me this long to get out a new chapter, and this one is rather crappy. I prostrate myself before you all in apology and awe of your patience with me. And, as my inbox has reminded me, I STILL have fans. Thanks so much to everyone who has waited for this update, and especially to Akurei for use of the word promiscuous (I'll soon have a plug here for her up-and-coming Sirius fic, stay tuned!), Alexandrea Riddle, and the rest of the Official Rainsong Fan Club. ( You're all so flattering!
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. It's not mine in any way, shape, or form. I just write these pointless fanfics to satiate my thirst for MWPP/L.
Intermission II
SIRIUS: Wow.
JAMES: Wow what?
SIRIUS: The lobby. It's really..
REMUS: Shimmering and bright?
SIRIUS: Thanks, Remington. I was going to say "Pretty sparklies!" but your way was better.
LILY: It's an old opera house; they're often decked out this way. Most of this is really 24-karat gold, and that chandelier over there-
SIRIUS: *yawns*
LILY: Unimpressed, Sirius?
SIRIUS: If I had a K'nut for every painted ceramic swan I've seen tonight, I'd be shockingly rich right now.
REMUS: It's an old opera house; some of these pieces are priceless treasures.
SIRIUS: That's what they want you to think. I could have painted these things.
LILY: If nothing else, they're festive.
SIRIUS: Crepe paper is festive. Ceramic swans are unlawful.
LILY: So how would you decorate the lobby, Sirius, since you appear to be so knowledgeable on the science of interior design?
SIRIUS: Perhaps a large fountain in the middle, low lighting, crushed velvet loveseats littered everywhere-
LILY: That sounds like a bordello!
SIRIUS: Of course it does. That's the point. Everything here is shiny and possessing of a peculiar odor already. Might as well give it all some purpose.
JAMES: And if he were in a bordello, he'd get bonuses like scantily clad women and liquor. Here we have pompous elderly people wearing putrid mink coats.
SIRIUS: Exactly. This is no place to practice my rampant promiscuity.
LILY: You're not promiscuous.
SIRIUS: I assure you I am. Just last week, in the broom closet next to Transfiguration-
LILY: So you've had a few hot snog sessions. That doesn't make you promiscuous.
SIRIUS: If you had let me finish the story about the broom closet, Lils, you may have had a very different opinion on that one.
LILY: You'd be lying.
SIRIUS: You have no proof of that. Prongs!
JAMES: You rang?
SIRIUS: Tell Lily how promiscuous and slutty I am.
JAMES: With all do respect, Dr. Love, I think I'd be the first to know if you were getting any, and as I haven't-
SIRIUS: That's preposterous, James! You place yourself on such a pedestal? I think it's obvious to all of us that I'd be sharing my sexual escapades with Peter.
PETER: *chokes*
SIRIUS: Peter has much more insight on such things. I would never share my adventures with you hormone-crazed, unfeeling barbarians.
LILY: Ahem?
SIRIUS: Oh, as if that doesn't include you, Miss "James and I Stepped Out for Fresh Air"?
LILY: I'm certainly not an unfeeling barbarian.
SIRIUS: Would you like to see my ice cube scars?
PETER: Ice cube scars?
REMUS: Remember when Sirius and Lily had that argument over-
SIRIUS: We decided never to speak of it again, remember?
REMUS: Oh, right. Well, they had that argument over that thing, and somehow Lily ended up viciously pummeling Sirius with ice cubes from the balcony of the Astronomy Tower.
JAMES: We mentioned it briefly after Sirius and Lily were bickering a few minutes ago.
PETER: Oh, right, I remember that. And this pummeling you speak of, it was really terrible enough to earn the title of 'vicious'?
SIRIUS: I repeat - would you like to see my ice cube scars?
LILY: Oh, how ridiculous. Ice cubes do not leave scars.
SIRIUS: When thrown at that speed, I think mashed potatoes could leave scars.
LILY: Have it your way.
SIRIUS: Thanks for that, don't mind if I do?
JAMES: Are we really going to buy anything while we're here? Or shall we wait for Snack Man to return?
LILY: The queues are atrocious; I think we should head back to the seats and wait it out.
SIRIUS: But-
LILY: No buts. We're going back.
SIRIUS: But Lils, look at all of these funny Muggles, couldn't we-
LILY: No.
*Lily grabs Sirius's wrist, drags him all the way to the box*
JAMES: Padfoot, as much as I enjoy your company, what on earth are you doing?
LILY: Who cares? Sirius, move back to your seat.
REMUS: What's going on?
LILY: Sirius just decided to plop himself down into a seat between James and I.
REMUS: Point being?
LILY: I want to sit next to James!
SIRIUS: I have to chaperone this outing somehow. We don't want any hanky- panky monkey business now, do we? Come on, Remington, this is the sort of thing you'd appreciate.
JAMES: Maybe if we ignore him, he'll go away.
LILY: And if he doesn't?
JAMES: We move him.
LILY: Like, just pick him up and dump him elsewhere, or will it involve a subtle plan?
SIRIUS: I wouldn't go with the subtle plan option if you're conspiring with James for this one.
JAMES: Why not?
SIRIUS: You wouldn't know a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing "Subtle Plans Are Here Again".
JAMES: *sputters*
SIRIUS: You'd find a way to make it blatantly obvious. You're just not cunning that way.
JAMES: Oh, and you should have been sorted into Slytherin?
SIRIUS: Hardly. But at least I can make an underhanded plot work properly. You stand there and sweat profusely and blink too much when interrogated.
JAMES: I do not.
SIRIUS: Yes, you do. I'll take a picture of it sometime. Title it "Nervous Paranoid Schizophrenic with Rabid Weasel in Trousers". It'll be a smash.
JAMES: I'll get you back if you do.
SIRIUS: Oh, how? I never do anything remotely embarrassing, and if I did, it certainly wouldn't be in front of you.
JAMES: Come to think of it, I can't think of anything humiliating you do regularly. Odd, my memory must be failing me.
SIRIUS: Either that, or I'm some sort of demigod.
LILY: I know plenty of embarrassing things Sirius does.
REMUS: Oh, like what? I do enjoy these conversations.
LILY: He talks in his sleep.
SIRIUS: How would you know that?
LILY: Easy, I've watched you sleep.
JAMES: .Is this one of those stories that you both refer to but never explain entirely? Because I'd really like to know-
SIRIUS: Case closed until further notice, Prongs. So, Lily, what do I say when I'm sleeping?
LILY: You talk about bizarre things. Like cactuses on the Underground, and Professor McGonagall's hair.
SIRIUS: Liar.
LILY: I am most certainly not lying. And, most fascinating of all, sometimes when the moon is just right, and you haven't slept in days, I hear you shouting "Not the ice cubes!" into the still of the dormitories.
SIRIUS: That is such bollocks!
JAMES: How come we've never heard this, as Sirius is in our dormitory?
LILY: I'm a light sleeper. You all wouldn't be bothered if the Apocalypse crashed down upon the East Wing.
SIRIUS: No, I suppose with you around, the Apocalypse is only a minor inconvenience.
LILY: You're just bitter because I know that you talk in your sleep.
SIRIUS: How can I be bitter about something that you've obviously made up?
LILY: I did not make it up.
JAMES: We'll have to randomly select a night to record these outbursts. You up for it, Moony?
REMUS: *silence*
PETER: Remus?
REMUS: I've been waiting for this for so long. So long..
JAMES: Is anyone else sort of disturbed by the way Moony's talking right now?
REMUS: Sorry, it's just that.. we can blackmail Sirius now.
SIRIUS: No you can't.
REMUS: But, yes, we can! For the rest of eternity if it so pleases us, because you'd rather be eaten by a hippogriff than have the entire Great Hall hear you muttering about McGonagall's hair at breakfast!
JAMES: This is so innovative. Thank you, Lily dearest. You've saved our future.
LILY: Anytime. Besides, he's really exaggerated the ice cube incident.
SIRIUS: I can't believe this. You've all turned against me.
REMUS: Not turned against you. Just making sure that the next time you decide that one of our humiliating incidents need to be brought into the fray, we can gently remind you that we will cast a Recording Spell on the clock by your bed so that when we wake up, we will have your fanciful mutterings to replay again, and again, and again!
SIRIUS: There's nothing better than a friend, is there?
LILY: No, unless that friend has chocolate.
SIRIUS: Well, I think we all know who will not be getting any chocolate tonight.
LILY: I could do without the saturated fat anyway. Besides, I'm tired.
SIRIUS: And we all know it's impossible to eat chocolate after going to an opera, because it's so enthralling you're positively worn out and no longer in the mood for such things.
LILY: That, and chocolate will just raise my sugar levels, and I won't want to go to sleep. I'll just start to talk and never stop, long after you've made your first attempt at a bit of shut-eye.
REMUS: I'm going to go on assuming that, in some twisted way, you're talking about chocolate in it's sweet, cacao bean-derived form.
SIRIUS: What else would we be talking about?
REMUS: Nevermind, nevermind.
PETER: Not to bring this up again, but Sirius never moved back to his original seat.
JAMES: No, he didn't, did he? I decided to ignore it. He'll have enough to deal with once he steps out of line and we have to play our recording of his midnight mumblings.
PETER: Wow, you've forgiven Sirius?
JAMES: Erm..yes.
PETER: What I mean is, you don't do that very often.
JAMES: Yeah, I do. I've been forgiving Sirius since he insulted my hair five minutes into our friendship. Can't help it, really.
PETER: Oh, I never thought about that before.
JAMES: No, I suppose you wouldn't.
SIRIUS: And why wouldn't Wormtail be thinking about our complex minglings at every possible opportunity?
REMUS: Shockingly, sometimes people have thoughts completely unrelated to you, Sirius.
SIRIUS: *gasps* Not Wormtail!
REMUS: Why not Wormtail?
SIRIUS: Because Wormtail has a very precise mission, and it is to hang out with us. What would the poor old chap be without the three of us?
JAMES: I must admit, not the human being we see before us.
PETER: ..I suppose.
SIRIUS: I'm bored.
LILY: You're always bored. That's what makes events like these so enjoyable.
SIRIUS: That's because you live to torture me. You delight in my pain. You're a crazed, sadistic nutter with high heels.
LILY: Not really. I just love to watch you squirm.
JAMES: Well, so do I, but I still think this opera's a bit much.
LILY: I completely agree. But none of us are as restless as Sirius. While we're all sighing, occasionally rolling our eyes, he's ready to tear the walls down with his bare hands. That's the beauty of it.
JAMES: That really puts it in perspective. Thanks, Lil.
LILY: Think nothing of it.
SIRIUS: I don't think it's very funny. I want to move around. I want to do something. I want to watch the entire stage ablaze with bright orange flames destroying every portion of this unbelievable opera.
LILY: Yes, well, we can't have everything we want, can we?
SIRIUS: No, because it's really selfish of me to want to save all of our brains from this psychological deterioration.
LILY: Now you're sounding exasperated. Calm down. It'll be over soon.
SIRIUS: All right.
JAMES: Why is it that Lily's the only one that can pacify Sirius in these situations? I mean, it can't be her calming voice, because when she's talking normally you still have the sound of high-pitched screeching in your ears.
REMUS: Perhaps it's like the ice cube incident. We just don't speak of it.
JAMES: That's terribly unfair.
REMUS: Knowing Sirius and Lily, perhaps it's for the best.
SIRIUS and LILY: Ahem.
JAMES: I'm sorry, were we talking about the two of you when you weren't pay attention?
SIRIUS: Yes, and I would hope you're aware of how aggravating that is.
LILY: The least you could do is bash our emotionally taxing mysteriousness when we're around.
JAMES: So you can argue it?
LILY: No, because Sirius is sitting closer to you now than I am, so if I feel the need to throttle you, I can let him do it for me. It's an energy- saving mechanism.
JAMES: Why am I not comforted?
A/N: There you have it, Chapter 8! I'll get started on Chapter 9 as soon as the inspiration strikes, which may be sooner or later, I'm not sure yet. I hope this one wasn't total crap.
Edited to add: Upon rereading, it seems that the general interpretation of this chapter is that it's infested with Lily/Sirius shipping. My apologies, was not meant to be that way. Perhaps I felt so emotionally drained after OotP, I was feeling needy. I craved some dark, angsty romance. And, completely unknowingly, I inserted it here. Kinda like season five Buffy and Spike. Lo siento. However, kudos to whoever can find the blatant sexual metaphor!
Also, Sirius's comment to James about subtle plans dancing on harpsichords and such is from Blackadder. Forgot to credit that one last time.
A/N: I'm a pathetic human, I really am. It took me this long to get out a new chapter, and this one is rather crappy. I prostrate myself before you all in apology and awe of your patience with me. And, as my inbox has reminded me, I STILL have fans. Thanks so much to everyone who has waited for this update, and especially to Akurei for use of the word promiscuous (I'll soon have a plug here for her up-and-coming Sirius fic, stay tuned!), Alexandrea Riddle, and the rest of the Official Rainsong Fan Club. ( You're all so flattering!
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. It's not mine in any way, shape, or form. I just write these pointless fanfics to satiate my thirst for MWPP/L.
Intermission II
SIRIUS: Wow.
JAMES: Wow what?
SIRIUS: The lobby. It's really..
REMUS: Shimmering and bright?
SIRIUS: Thanks, Remington. I was going to say "Pretty sparklies!" but your way was better.
LILY: It's an old opera house; they're often decked out this way. Most of this is really 24-karat gold, and that chandelier over there-
SIRIUS: *yawns*
LILY: Unimpressed, Sirius?
SIRIUS: If I had a K'nut for every painted ceramic swan I've seen tonight, I'd be shockingly rich right now.
REMUS: It's an old opera house; some of these pieces are priceless treasures.
SIRIUS: That's what they want you to think. I could have painted these things.
LILY: If nothing else, they're festive.
SIRIUS: Crepe paper is festive. Ceramic swans are unlawful.
LILY: So how would you decorate the lobby, Sirius, since you appear to be so knowledgeable on the science of interior design?
SIRIUS: Perhaps a large fountain in the middle, low lighting, crushed velvet loveseats littered everywhere-
LILY: That sounds like a bordello!
SIRIUS: Of course it does. That's the point. Everything here is shiny and possessing of a peculiar odor already. Might as well give it all some purpose.
JAMES: And if he were in a bordello, he'd get bonuses like scantily clad women and liquor. Here we have pompous elderly people wearing putrid mink coats.
SIRIUS: Exactly. This is no place to practice my rampant promiscuity.
LILY: You're not promiscuous.
SIRIUS: I assure you I am. Just last week, in the broom closet next to Transfiguration-
LILY: So you've had a few hot snog sessions. That doesn't make you promiscuous.
SIRIUS: If you had let me finish the story about the broom closet, Lils, you may have had a very different opinion on that one.
LILY: You'd be lying.
SIRIUS: You have no proof of that. Prongs!
JAMES: You rang?
SIRIUS: Tell Lily how promiscuous and slutty I am.
JAMES: With all do respect, Dr. Love, I think I'd be the first to know if you were getting any, and as I haven't-
SIRIUS: That's preposterous, James! You place yourself on such a pedestal? I think it's obvious to all of us that I'd be sharing my sexual escapades with Peter.
PETER: *chokes*
SIRIUS: Peter has much more insight on such things. I would never share my adventures with you hormone-crazed, unfeeling barbarians.
LILY: Ahem?
SIRIUS: Oh, as if that doesn't include you, Miss "James and I Stepped Out for Fresh Air"?
LILY: I'm certainly not an unfeeling barbarian.
SIRIUS: Would you like to see my ice cube scars?
PETER: Ice cube scars?
REMUS: Remember when Sirius and Lily had that argument over-
SIRIUS: We decided never to speak of it again, remember?
REMUS: Oh, right. Well, they had that argument over that thing, and somehow Lily ended up viciously pummeling Sirius with ice cubes from the balcony of the Astronomy Tower.
JAMES: We mentioned it briefly after Sirius and Lily were bickering a few minutes ago.
PETER: Oh, right, I remember that. And this pummeling you speak of, it was really terrible enough to earn the title of 'vicious'?
SIRIUS: I repeat - would you like to see my ice cube scars?
LILY: Oh, how ridiculous. Ice cubes do not leave scars.
SIRIUS: When thrown at that speed, I think mashed potatoes could leave scars.
LILY: Have it your way.
SIRIUS: Thanks for that, don't mind if I do?
JAMES: Are we really going to buy anything while we're here? Or shall we wait for Snack Man to return?
LILY: The queues are atrocious; I think we should head back to the seats and wait it out.
SIRIUS: But-
LILY: No buts. We're going back.
SIRIUS: But Lils, look at all of these funny Muggles, couldn't we-
LILY: No.
*Lily grabs Sirius's wrist, drags him all the way to the box*
JAMES: Padfoot, as much as I enjoy your company, what on earth are you doing?
LILY: Who cares? Sirius, move back to your seat.
REMUS: What's going on?
LILY: Sirius just decided to plop himself down into a seat between James and I.
REMUS: Point being?
LILY: I want to sit next to James!
SIRIUS: I have to chaperone this outing somehow. We don't want any hanky- panky monkey business now, do we? Come on, Remington, this is the sort of thing you'd appreciate.
JAMES: Maybe if we ignore him, he'll go away.
LILY: And if he doesn't?
JAMES: We move him.
LILY: Like, just pick him up and dump him elsewhere, or will it involve a subtle plan?
SIRIUS: I wouldn't go with the subtle plan option if you're conspiring with James for this one.
JAMES: Why not?
SIRIUS: You wouldn't know a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing "Subtle Plans Are Here Again".
JAMES: *sputters*
SIRIUS: You'd find a way to make it blatantly obvious. You're just not cunning that way.
JAMES: Oh, and you should have been sorted into Slytherin?
SIRIUS: Hardly. But at least I can make an underhanded plot work properly. You stand there and sweat profusely and blink too much when interrogated.
JAMES: I do not.
SIRIUS: Yes, you do. I'll take a picture of it sometime. Title it "Nervous Paranoid Schizophrenic with Rabid Weasel in Trousers". It'll be a smash.
JAMES: I'll get you back if you do.
SIRIUS: Oh, how? I never do anything remotely embarrassing, and if I did, it certainly wouldn't be in front of you.
JAMES: Come to think of it, I can't think of anything humiliating you do regularly. Odd, my memory must be failing me.
SIRIUS: Either that, or I'm some sort of demigod.
LILY: I know plenty of embarrassing things Sirius does.
REMUS: Oh, like what? I do enjoy these conversations.
LILY: He talks in his sleep.
SIRIUS: How would you know that?
LILY: Easy, I've watched you sleep.
JAMES: .Is this one of those stories that you both refer to but never explain entirely? Because I'd really like to know-
SIRIUS: Case closed until further notice, Prongs. So, Lily, what do I say when I'm sleeping?
LILY: You talk about bizarre things. Like cactuses on the Underground, and Professor McGonagall's hair.
SIRIUS: Liar.
LILY: I am most certainly not lying. And, most fascinating of all, sometimes when the moon is just right, and you haven't slept in days, I hear you shouting "Not the ice cubes!" into the still of the dormitories.
SIRIUS: That is such bollocks!
JAMES: How come we've never heard this, as Sirius is in our dormitory?
LILY: I'm a light sleeper. You all wouldn't be bothered if the Apocalypse crashed down upon the East Wing.
SIRIUS: No, I suppose with you around, the Apocalypse is only a minor inconvenience.
LILY: You're just bitter because I know that you talk in your sleep.
SIRIUS: How can I be bitter about something that you've obviously made up?
LILY: I did not make it up.
JAMES: We'll have to randomly select a night to record these outbursts. You up for it, Moony?
REMUS: *silence*
PETER: Remus?
REMUS: I've been waiting for this for so long. So long..
JAMES: Is anyone else sort of disturbed by the way Moony's talking right now?
REMUS: Sorry, it's just that.. we can blackmail Sirius now.
SIRIUS: No you can't.
REMUS: But, yes, we can! For the rest of eternity if it so pleases us, because you'd rather be eaten by a hippogriff than have the entire Great Hall hear you muttering about McGonagall's hair at breakfast!
JAMES: This is so innovative. Thank you, Lily dearest. You've saved our future.
LILY: Anytime. Besides, he's really exaggerated the ice cube incident.
SIRIUS: I can't believe this. You've all turned against me.
REMUS: Not turned against you. Just making sure that the next time you decide that one of our humiliating incidents need to be brought into the fray, we can gently remind you that we will cast a Recording Spell on the clock by your bed so that when we wake up, we will have your fanciful mutterings to replay again, and again, and again!
SIRIUS: There's nothing better than a friend, is there?
LILY: No, unless that friend has chocolate.
SIRIUS: Well, I think we all know who will not be getting any chocolate tonight.
LILY: I could do without the saturated fat anyway. Besides, I'm tired.
SIRIUS: And we all know it's impossible to eat chocolate after going to an opera, because it's so enthralling you're positively worn out and no longer in the mood for such things.
LILY: That, and chocolate will just raise my sugar levels, and I won't want to go to sleep. I'll just start to talk and never stop, long after you've made your first attempt at a bit of shut-eye.
REMUS: I'm going to go on assuming that, in some twisted way, you're talking about chocolate in it's sweet, cacao bean-derived form.
SIRIUS: What else would we be talking about?
REMUS: Nevermind, nevermind.
PETER: Not to bring this up again, but Sirius never moved back to his original seat.
JAMES: No, he didn't, did he? I decided to ignore it. He'll have enough to deal with once he steps out of line and we have to play our recording of his midnight mumblings.
PETER: Wow, you've forgiven Sirius?
JAMES: Erm..yes.
PETER: What I mean is, you don't do that very often.
JAMES: Yeah, I do. I've been forgiving Sirius since he insulted my hair five minutes into our friendship. Can't help it, really.
PETER: Oh, I never thought about that before.
JAMES: No, I suppose you wouldn't.
SIRIUS: And why wouldn't Wormtail be thinking about our complex minglings at every possible opportunity?
REMUS: Shockingly, sometimes people have thoughts completely unrelated to you, Sirius.
SIRIUS: *gasps* Not Wormtail!
REMUS: Why not Wormtail?
SIRIUS: Because Wormtail has a very precise mission, and it is to hang out with us. What would the poor old chap be without the three of us?
JAMES: I must admit, not the human being we see before us.
PETER: ..I suppose.
SIRIUS: I'm bored.
LILY: You're always bored. That's what makes events like these so enjoyable.
SIRIUS: That's because you live to torture me. You delight in my pain. You're a crazed, sadistic nutter with high heels.
LILY: Not really. I just love to watch you squirm.
JAMES: Well, so do I, but I still think this opera's a bit much.
LILY: I completely agree. But none of us are as restless as Sirius. While we're all sighing, occasionally rolling our eyes, he's ready to tear the walls down with his bare hands. That's the beauty of it.
JAMES: That really puts it in perspective. Thanks, Lil.
LILY: Think nothing of it.
SIRIUS: I don't think it's very funny. I want to move around. I want to do something. I want to watch the entire stage ablaze with bright orange flames destroying every portion of this unbelievable opera.
LILY: Yes, well, we can't have everything we want, can we?
SIRIUS: No, because it's really selfish of me to want to save all of our brains from this psychological deterioration.
LILY: Now you're sounding exasperated. Calm down. It'll be over soon.
SIRIUS: All right.
JAMES: Why is it that Lily's the only one that can pacify Sirius in these situations? I mean, it can't be her calming voice, because when she's talking normally you still have the sound of high-pitched screeching in your ears.
REMUS: Perhaps it's like the ice cube incident. We just don't speak of it.
JAMES: That's terribly unfair.
REMUS: Knowing Sirius and Lily, perhaps it's for the best.
SIRIUS and LILY: Ahem.
JAMES: I'm sorry, were we talking about the two of you when you weren't pay attention?
SIRIUS: Yes, and I would hope you're aware of how aggravating that is.
LILY: The least you could do is bash our emotionally taxing mysteriousness when we're around.
JAMES: So you can argue it?
LILY: No, because Sirius is sitting closer to you now than I am, so if I feel the need to throttle you, I can let him do it for me. It's an energy- saving mechanism.
JAMES: Why am I not comforted?
A/N: There you have it, Chapter 8! I'll get started on Chapter 9 as soon as the inspiration strikes, which may be sooner or later, I'm not sure yet. I hope this one wasn't total crap.
Edited to add: Upon rereading, it seems that the general interpretation of this chapter is that it's infested with Lily/Sirius shipping. My apologies, was not meant to be that way. Perhaps I felt so emotionally drained after OotP, I was feeling needy. I craved some dark, angsty romance. And, completely unknowingly, I inserted it here. Kinda like season five Buffy and Spike. Lo siento. However, kudos to whoever can find the blatant sexual metaphor!
Also, Sirius's comment to James about subtle plans dancing on harpsichords and such is from Blackadder. Forgot to credit that one last time.
