Buffy woke just as the sunbeams were making their way across her bed. She sighed deeply, awash with confused feelings as reality crept in. She shifted a bit under the duster, pulling it tighter around her. Just then she remembered Spike. She sat up quickly, looking around the room as if she thought he would be there. She got out of bed gingerly, feeling her injuries anew. Without thinking, she slipped on the leather coat.

Walking toward her door, she could sense someone near. She opened the door to find Spike sleeping in front of her door. He was curled toward the opening, one hand under his head and one between his legs. Buffy couldn't help but smile just then. He looked so...angelic. Her face fell as she studied him sleeping. He had given up a more comfortable couch to be close to her. She could tell he still loved her, and that made her inexplicably sad. She wasn't exactly sure why, but she found that she couldn't deal with the idea of him loving her. She remembered accepting it before she died, but now, it seemed inconceivable. 'Why does he love me? What is he feeling? Well, love, of course. Just like I felt for Angel.' Except, Buffy was having a very hard time recalling those feelings. She thought about Angel and had very warm feelings for him. She missed him a little. But she couldn't quite call up love.

Then she thought of Willow and Xander, her two best friends since she moved to Sunnydale. But the softer emotion there was gone too. She felt very bitter when she thought about them, but the rational side of her said she shouldn't be. Giles...definite father feeling there--and the good kind, not like her real father. And then Buffy thought about her mother. She felt very sad at the memory, but even sadder at the fact that she couldn't remember the feeling of loving her mother. Of course she had loved her mother, but why couldn't she remember what that was like? She was so confused, but then she gave a sad little chuckle at the fact that she hadn't even thought about Riley when trying to recall love.

She looked down at Spike again, so sweet looking. Not a trace of that famous smirk he often wore. The only thing she felt with him was an appreciation for how he was with her. He wasn't pressing or urgent, didn't ask so many questions that her head spin. And most of all, he was accepting of what she needed. And he was quiet. God, the others with their loud voices and questions. Buffy looked away, lost in thought. After such a confusing event as coming back from the beyond, she just needed some peace. She wanted to be alone, but if she couldn't, she'd rather be with someone unobtrusive. She had poured out so much on him the night before, but he hadn't pushed, hadn't asked. He was just there, to hear her. Something about the simplicity of his presence made her smile.

When she looked back down at Spike, he was looking at her with sleepy eyes. They looked at each other for a long moment and then some kind of realization hit Spike and he jumped up quickly. He looked around nervously for a moment before speaking. "You ok? Need anything? I can, I can go get you some food if you want. I don't know how to cook, but there might be some cookies or...something.....um," Spike stopped when he noticed Buffy looking strangely at him. "What?"

Buffy smiled again and placed her hand on Spike's arm. "Nothing. I don't need anything Spike. I was just imagining you trying to cook anything but blood in a microwave. And really, not in the mood for blood."

"Oh, well...why are you up? You need some more rest, Slayer. Fall from heaven's gotta be tiring." Spike looked down at the floor, mentally kicking himself.

"About that...please don't tell the others. It won't do any good for them to know about where I was." Spike looked up at her again, and nodded.

"I know I shouldn't have told you, but well...you were there. And I, I don't know. Hey, look at it this way, you get to share the secret but none of the guilt!" She gave a weak smile.

Spike looked at her incredulously. "Are you joking? None of the guilt? I'm the reason you died in the first place! I failed you miserably up on that tower, and now you tell me I don't have any guilt? Do you have the slightest clue how I've felt this entire time you were gone? And *now* I have a whole new level of guilt because I'm thrilled beyond description that you're back, but you're miserable to be here. Because I could die happy now that I've seen your face again, and you just want to die." Spike was pacing the hall. So much for quiet Spike. But even in his seething, he wasn't overwhelming for Buffy. She limped over to him and put both her hands on his upper arms to stop him in mid pace. She looked him directly in the eyes.

"Spike, you have *nothing* to feel guilty about. Up on that tower...you did everything you possibly could. It's not your fault. I think maybe it was meant to be. This.....this coming back. I don't know what this is, but it feels like anything but natural or fate. But, that's not the point. The point is, *you* didn't have anything to do with bringing me back. And you didn't have anything to do with me leaving either. So don't even think you're going to start moping around me now. I'd hate to have to start calling you 'Angel'." Spike bristled at this, but Buffy just gave him a little smile. She let his arms go and stepped back from him. She tilted her head and looked at him quizzically.

"What was it like? For you, I mean, since I've been gone?" Spike shrugged his shoulders and looked away from her, brow furrowed.

"Fair to say you haven't enjoyed my time away as much as I did?"

Spike looked at her blankly. "We all missed you, ya know. Especially Red and the boy. They love you. *I*...(sigh) Look, just because you're not telling them where you were doesn't mean you can joke about it with me. How can I think it's funny that you're so unhappy here? That you would rather be dead than be with...the people who love you. And I understand that, I do. We lot here can't compete with the host of heaven, I'm sure. But, Buffy...I don't...I don't know what you need to hear." Spike looked away from her and his shoulders slumped in defeat.

Buffy lowered her head and quietly murmured, "Neither do I."

Spike sighed and finally spoke. "Look, your mates will be here soon, I'm sure. So I'm just going to go downstairs and wait for them. You sure you don't need anything?"

"No, I'm good. Well, I'm actually starving, but I don't think cookies will cut it. I'll just wait til the gang gets here. Tara can make me some pancakes. I'm sure they'll all be bustling to help." The last line came out little more bitter than Buffy had meant it.

"Look, they just...care. They're all so happy that they were able to 'rescue' you and bring you back to us. If the ruckus gets too much, I'm sure you can just tell them what they really rescued you from and I don't think you'll hear another peep out of 'em." Spike sighed again, upset that he was sounding so angry with Buffy. "They're good people, ya know. They could have all easily up and left Sunnydale, but they stayed and fought. They don't have super strength like you and I. The witches powers only go so far in fighting. And Xander.....well, you know. Boy wields a battle ax like a little girl. My point is, they thought they were doing a good thing. Because that's what you Scoobies do, good things. They didn't know. And if you're not going to tell them to spare their feelings, then don't act pissy with them over it--that will just hurt them more because they won't know why."

Buffy bristled a bit at being told how to act around her friends, especially by Spike. She couldn't argue with his logic, but she wasn't about to tell him he was right. She had to stop herself from smiling because she was getting a very familiar feeling of agitation regarding Spike. It was the only really familiar feeling she had since she returned. She just avoided his look and said, "I'm going to take another hot bath. Got some aches....."

"Right then. You need me, I'll be downstairs." Spike headed for the stairs. Buffy went and drew a bath.

Buffy took off the duster and laid it on the counter. She thought absently that she should give it back to Spike sometime. Slowly, she took off her various bandages and slipped into the hot water. The sting of her injuries subdued and gave way to the relaxation that her muscles felt from the hot water.

Spike sat on the stairs and played with a cigarette between his fingers. "Stupid git. Had no business talkin' to her like that. She's just come back from the beyond and you lecture her on how to act? She can act any bloody way she wants. She's earned that ten times over. And she doesn't need lessons in civility from a vampire. And why the hell do I care what the Scoobies feel anyway? Buncha wankers.." Spike sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He was still lost in thought when the front door opened slowly. Willow peeked in quietly to make sure she wasn't disturbing anyone. When she only saw Spike, she opened the door fully and she and Tara walked in.

"Hey, Spike. Everything ok? Buffy doing...alright?" Spike snapped his head up when he realized someone was speaking to him.

"Yeah, she's.....as ok as she can be. She's taking a bath. She's famished, was hoping maybe you could make her something. Pancakes, I think she said. So, you got everything covered here, I'm gonna split." Spike moved past the two girls to the living room where he grabbed a blanket from the couch. "Just borrowin'," he said as he walked toward the door. He stopped and looked back at Willow. "Go easy, ok? She needs rest. Peace and quiet. Keep the boy from fawning all over her. I think she just wants to be left alone...for a bit."

Willow's face flashed some hurt, but she just nodded and said, "We'll take care of her." At that, Spike pulled the blanket over himself and opened the door. He ran off in a smoking hurry.

**

TBC-you guys have been great with feedback, keep it coming! Muchas gracias!! I have big plans for these two crazy kids!