When Buffy woke, she looked at the clock. It was almost 6pm. She had slept
the whole day. She guessed that Spike was right, the fall from heaven can
be tiring. But now, she didn't feel any more rested. She wanted nothing
more than to fall asleep and never wake up. 'Why did they bring me back? I
don't want this. I don't want the hellmouth and slaying. I was done. Why do
I have to do this again? God, it's too much.' Buffy wept into her pillow.
She sobbed for a while, only stopping when she heard the phone ring. She
debated answering it. It was probably Willow calling about dinner. She
didn't want to deal with them, but she knew if she didn't answer, they'd
think something was wrong and come barreling back. She reached over and
picked up the receiver.
"Hello?" Buffy braced herself for the inevitable cheerfulness.
"Buffy?" Giles. It was Giles. Buffy smiled sadly, knowing she should miss him.
"Giles? Hey.....guess who's back?" Buffy tried to make light, but she was internally torn up. She didn't want to have to deal with this. Giles was her Watcher. She was his Slayer. She didn't want to be a Slayer. She wanted to be gone.
"Oh, dear Lord, Buffy. I couldn't really believe it. When Willow called me, she said.....oh, Buffy, I don't know what to say. It's.....just so amazing."
"Yup, so I've been told a few dozen times." Buffy propped her head on her hand, wanting to not have to talk to people.
"Buffy, I'll be on the next plane back to Sunnydale. My god, I can't believe I'm going to see you again. Buffy, I missed you so much."
"Me too, Giles," Buffy lied. She wanted to feel it, but she couldn't. After Giles hung up, she just stared at the phone in her hand. When it started making annoying noices, she hung it up. Then she sighed and picked it up again. 'Better to let Willow down now then have them all parading over here.' Buffy called Willow and told her she was tired and wasn't hungry at all. Willow suggested they get together tomorrow. Buffy told her she'd call. She nodded off for another hour or so. When she came too, her head felt so heavy.
She climbed out of bed and went downstairs. She made her way into the kitchen. Not much food to be found. She really was hungry, but *so* not in the mood for people. Buffy trudged into the living room, stopping by the stairs to pick up Spike's duster that she had left on the banister. She smiled thinking about him. 'He really is a decent man. I never gave him much credit before.' Before.....she chuckled at how much he had changed. Before, she had to tell him to shut up all the time. Now he was so quiet, so reverent around her. The way he looked at her.....like he was in awe. It was a little uncomfortable, but better than the goofy grins her friends wore. Buffy frowned. 'Willow, with all her proud smugness. I bet they all just slap her on the back and tell her what a great job she did. Yeah, really great, pulling someone out of heaven is quite a feat. Maybe you can bring back my mom as a party trick!' Buffy took a deep breath and tried to remember what Spike had told her. They were only trying to do good, thought they were helping her. Buffy slipped on the duster and pulled it tight around her. She pulled up the collar to her face and breathed in the scent. 'Hmm, Spike stopped smoking. Have to ask him about that later.' To be sure, Buffy patted the pockets for smokes. She came up with a stake, a deck of cards, a pocket knife, and a little black book. 'Oh, let's see who Spike deems date-worthy. I didn't even know vamps kept little black books!' Buffy grinned as she sat down on the couch. She flipped through the book and realized it wasn't an address book at all. It was a small journal. Buffy felt a bit guilty at having it, but curiosity got the best of her. 'Spike's a journal guy. Interesting. Let's see what deep thoughts he has.'
-- 5-24-01 'Why do I do it? Why the hell do I stay here? She's gone. My whole reason for being is gone, so why am I still here? The pain is more than I can bear. I knew she'd never love me, but I never thought she'd leave. I always thought that if she were here, I could hold out some delusional hope. But now-'
The rest of the line was smudged and unreadable. It looked like dried water. 'Rain? Oh....not rain.' Buffy sighed. She couldn't understand Spike's emotions for her, but she suddenly became very sad for him. He had meant so little to her before she died, and she had meant so much to him. She flipped through the little book a few pages.
5-31-03 'I've had enough. Tomorrow I'm going to bloody do it. Sod the Scoobies, they can go to hell. Xander, at any rate. He had the gall to tell me they didn't need me. That's fine. Patrol on your own, bloody wanker! Why the hell do I care if they need me? I certainly don't need them. And Buffy can't blame me for not looking after them anymore. They don't want me to. Fine, good. I don't care. I'm sorry, Buffy. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry I won't be able to keep my promise to you. But wherever the hell I end up, I'm sure I won't see you around, so you can't give me a hard time anymore. Not like you do now, in my dreams. Luv, all I do now is sleep, because I know I'll get to see you. And it kills me every time, because I wake knowing it's not really you. I can't take it anymore. I'm done here. I've done what I can, please don't ask anything more of me.'
6-1-03 'Well, waited for the sunrise this morning and was determined to greet it. But the strangest thing happened. Bright and early, Tara came knocking at my door. She said she'd had a dream that I was hurt. She came to check on me. Sometimes I wonder about her. She's got this thing, it's more than just being a witch. I've known plenty of witches that weren't this intuitive. I told her I was fine, so she could shove off, but she wouldn't go. She just kept talking to me about inconsequential crap. I've never known that bird to prattle on so much. Finally she just came out with it and said that they needed me, the Scoobies. She said that Xander was still hurting from losing you and that he was lashing out at an easy target. She didn't say that she knew what I was planning, but she did say it'd be a shame if I were to leave them. Then she smiled that real coy smile of hers and said she was thinking about hanging out with me until nightfall, because she liked the 'ambience' of my crypt. Silly bint, I know she knew what was up. Then she said something that made me want to bash her teeth in. 'You said Buffy asked you to take care of us. I bet she'd be really disappointed if you.....left.' I wanted to snap her head off and toss it out the door. Throwing what you said back at me. But I just gritted my teeth and told her that she didn't have to worry about me going anywhere. And she knew it was true, because she finally left. And I went to sleep. Besides when I get to kill something on patrol, sleeping is my favorite thing anymore. I'm such a wanker. And a coward. And a whipped dog. Fine, you win, Slayer. I stay. I take care of the Scoobies and try to pretend that it's more to keep my promise than to have a link to you.'
6-5-01 'Same song, different day. Got drunk at Willey's, picked a fight with some big fucker. But then the tune changed. It was a human. Huge bloke with about a half dozen friends. Was ready to split, cuz my head was already throbbing from some some low-grade bourbon Willey served up. But then the guy slugs me. So, of course, I slug him back on instinct. Then I curse myself a wanker and brace for the pain. But it doesn't come. So I take out one of his mates with a roundhouse. Still no pain. Then the rest go down, no problem. The big fucker crawls out the door. Crawls! I don't know what happened to the rest, because I was too bleedin' confused and amazed and thrilled. I'm a vampire again! No leashes, no restraints! I don't even bloody care how it happened! Look out, here comes Spike!'
**
Please R&R, and thanks to all those who do!
"Hello?" Buffy braced herself for the inevitable cheerfulness.
"Buffy?" Giles. It was Giles. Buffy smiled sadly, knowing she should miss him.
"Giles? Hey.....guess who's back?" Buffy tried to make light, but she was internally torn up. She didn't want to have to deal with this. Giles was her Watcher. She was his Slayer. She didn't want to be a Slayer. She wanted to be gone.
"Oh, dear Lord, Buffy. I couldn't really believe it. When Willow called me, she said.....oh, Buffy, I don't know what to say. It's.....just so amazing."
"Yup, so I've been told a few dozen times." Buffy propped her head on her hand, wanting to not have to talk to people.
"Buffy, I'll be on the next plane back to Sunnydale. My god, I can't believe I'm going to see you again. Buffy, I missed you so much."
"Me too, Giles," Buffy lied. She wanted to feel it, but she couldn't. After Giles hung up, she just stared at the phone in her hand. When it started making annoying noices, she hung it up. Then she sighed and picked it up again. 'Better to let Willow down now then have them all parading over here.' Buffy called Willow and told her she was tired and wasn't hungry at all. Willow suggested they get together tomorrow. Buffy told her she'd call. She nodded off for another hour or so. When she came too, her head felt so heavy.
She climbed out of bed and went downstairs. She made her way into the kitchen. Not much food to be found. She really was hungry, but *so* not in the mood for people. Buffy trudged into the living room, stopping by the stairs to pick up Spike's duster that she had left on the banister. She smiled thinking about him. 'He really is a decent man. I never gave him much credit before.' Before.....she chuckled at how much he had changed. Before, she had to tell him to shut up all the time. Now he was so quiet, so reverent around her. The way he looked at her.....like he was in awe. It was a little uncomfortable, but better than the goofy grins her friends wore. Buffy frowned. 'Willow, with all her proud smugness. I bet they all just slap her on the back and tell her what a great job she did. Yeah, really great, pulling someone out of heaven is quite a feat. Maybe you can bring back my mom as a party trick!' Buffy took a deep breath and tried to remember what Spike had told her. They were only trying to do good, thought they were helping her. Buffy slipped on the duster and pulled it tight around her. She pulled up the collar to her face and breathed in the scent. 'Hmm, Spike stopped smoking. Have to ask him about that later.' To be sure, Buffy patted the pockets for smokes. She came up with a stake, a deck of cards, a pocket knife, and a little black book. 'Oh, let's see who Spike deems date-worthy. I didn't even know vamps kept little black books!' Buffy grinned as she sat down on the couch. She flipped through the book and realized it wasn't an address book at all. It was a small journal. Buffy felt a bit guilty at having it, but curiosity got the best of her. 'Spike's a journal guy. Interesting. Let's see what deep thoughts he has.'
-- 5-24-01 'Why do I do it? Why the hell do I stay here? She's gone. My whole reason for being is gone, so why am I still here? The pain is more than I can bear. I knew she'd never love me, but I never thought she'd leave. I always thought that if she were here, I could hold out some delusional hope. But now-'
The rest of the line was smudged and unreadable. It looked like dried water. 'Rain? Oh....not rain.' Buffy sighed. She couldn't understand Spike's emotions for her, but she suddenly became very sad for him. He had meant so little to her before she died, and she had meant so much to him. She flipped through the little book a few pages.
5-31-03 'I've had enough. Tomorrow I'm going to bloody do it. Sod the Scoobies, they can go to hell. Xander, at any rate. He had the gall to tell me they didn't need me. That's fine. Patrol on your own, bloody wanker! Why the hell do I care if they need me? I certainly don't need them. And Buffy can't blame me for not looking after them anymore. They don't want me to. Fine, good. I don't care. I'm sorry, Buffy. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry I won't be able to keep my promise to you. But wherever the hell I end up, I'm sure I won't see you around, so you can't give me a hard time anymore. Not like you do now, in my dreams. Luv, all I do now is sleep, because I know I'll get to see you. And it kills me every time, because I wake knowing it's not really you. I can't take it anymore. I'm done here. I've done what I can, please don't ask anything more of me.'
6-1-03 'Well, waited for the sunrise this morning and was determined to greet it. But the strangest thing happened. Bright and early, Tara came knocking at my door. She said she'd had a dream that I was hurt. She came to check on me. Sometimes I wonder about her. She's got this thing, it's more than just being a witch. I've known plenty of witches that weren't this intuitive. I told her I was fine, so she could shove off, but she wouldn't go. She just kept talking to me about inconsequential crap. I've never known that bird to prattle on so much. Finally she just came out with it and said that they needed me, the Scoobies. She said that Xander was still hurting from losing you and that he was lashing out at an easy target. She didn't say that she knew what I was planning, but she did say it'd be a shame if I were to leave them. Then she smiled that real coy smile of hers and said she was thinking about hanging out with me until nightfall, because she liked the 'ambience' of my crypt. Silly bint, I know she knew what was up. Then she said something that made me want to bash her teeth in. 'You said Buffy asked you to take care of us. I bet she'd be really disappointed if you.....left.' I wanted to snap her head off and toss it out the door. Throwing what you said back at me. But I just gritted my teeth and told her that she didn't have to worry about me going anywhere. And she knew it was true, because she finally left. And I went to sleep. Besides when I get to kill something on patrol, sleeping is my favorite thing anymore. I'm such a wanker. And a coward. And a whipped dog. Fine, you win, Slayer. I stay. I take care of the Scoobies and try to pretend that it's more to keep my promise than to have a link to you.'
6-5-01 'Same song, different day. Got drunk at Willey's, picked a fight with some big fucker. But then the tune changed. It was a human. Huge bloke with about a half dozen friends. Was ready to split, cuz my head was already throbbing from some some low-grade bourbon Willey served up. But then the guy slugs me. So, of course, I slug him back on instinct. Then I curse myself a wanker and brace for the pain. But it doesn't come. So I take out one of his mates with a roundhouse. Still no pain. Then the rest go down, no problem. The big fucker crawls out the door. Crawls! I don't know what happened to the rest, because I was too bleedin' confused and amazed and thrilled. I'm a vampire again! No leashes, no restraints! I don't even bloody care how it happened! Look out, here comes Spike!'
**
Please R&R, and thanks to all those who do!
