Buffy spent the rest of the day at the Magic Box, trying to exude normalcy.
She smiled at all the right times, pretended she was interested in Willow
and Tara's stories about the coven they wanted to join, laughed at all of
Xander's stupid jokes. She even offered to help Anya at the register at a
particularly busy point in the day. She welcomed the rest from trying to
convince her friends she was happy. At least the customers knew that fake
happiness was a part of customer service, so she didn't have to try so hard
not to hurt their feelings. She just kept a smile on her face while ringing
up purchases. She even survived lunch and dinner with the gang. By the end
of the day, her head was aching as much as her face was from smiling.
Anya began closing up around 8pm. Buffy sighed in relief that she would be able to leave.
"Well, guys, I'm going to head out. I told Spike we could do some patrolling."
Xander frowned, "Buff, maybe that's not such a good idea. I mean, you just got back. You don't need to deal with obsess-o boy again."
Buffy closed her eyes. "Xander, Spike is my friend, ok? You're going to have to deal with it. Please stop fighting with him, I really don't need this now."
Xander hung his head, "Sorry, Buffy. I just don't want...ah, you're right. I'm sure it's fine. You can take care of yourself."
Buffy told everyone goodbye and left quickly. She felt this relief wash over her as soon as she shut the door.
"Looks like we have the makings of a dark and stormy night, luv." Buffy jumped at his voice, then turned fast. She slugged him in the arm.
"Oww! I see being out of commission hasn't diminished your strength!" Spike gave her a cocky grin.
"God, you're awful! Don't you know better than to sneak up on people?"
"Uh, no, not really. It's kind of a vampire thing. Cuz when you just walk up to people and ask if you can bite them, they usually say 'no'." Buffy shuddered a bit at this.
"What are you doing here anyway?"
"Well, you said you wanted to patrol. I figured I'd just walk you to the cemetery. Ya know, make sure there's no big bads around. Well, except for yours truly."
Buffy started walking, Spike by her side. "You're kind of making a habit of that, aren't you? Look, next time you want to walk me home, just say so. No need in trying to be all sneaky, which you suck at, by the way."
Spike gave her a look of mock hurt, "I do *not* suck. Well, I *do*, being a vampire and all." Spike noticed Buffy cringe a bit at this. He wasn't sure what to make of it, but he continued. "I am very stealthy, I'll have you know. *You* were the one out in la-la land, letting vamps get close."
Buffy laughed, "Yeah, you were so stealthy. It's very discrete to mock your victims after you dust them."
"Oh, that's a little trick I picked up from *you.* You're the queen of ridiculing demons while you're killing them!"
"I do not! I just make observations from time to time."
"Uh huh." Spike saw her smiling from the corner of his eye.
When they made it to the cemetery, it didn't take long to spy a new vamp rising. "You want this one, pet?"
Buffy shook her head. "Nah, you go ahead. I'll get the next one." Spike shrugged and staked the vamp before he was halfway out of the ground.
After an hour, Spike's tally was five vamps and Buffy had none. After the first two, Spike didn't bother asking her. He could tell she wasn't up for it.
"So what's up, pet? It was your idea to go patrolling, and now you don't seem like you're in the mood."
Buffy stopped and sat on a headstone. "I don't know. I just don't feel like...slaying. I was kind of just hoping we could talk. Hoping the baddies would stay away tonight."
Spike cocked his head to the side. "Why didn't you just say so? We can just go talk, if you want. You want to keep patrolling, or maybe go back to my place?"
"Well, I'd love to just sit out here for a while. It really does look like it might rain though."
"Ok, pet, let's just sit here until the rain drives us in." They sat next to each other against a large headstone. "So, what's on your mind?"
Buffy recounted the day, complete with fake happiness. She also told him of her fears about losing emotion.
"I'm just so afraid that it'll be like this forever. That I'll never get those old feelings back. I just feel like I'm not even friends with my friends anymore. And that makes me feel guilty because I know they love me, I really do. But I just can't be around them for too long. It's like they all expect me to be the old Buffy again, but I'm not. And I don't know if I ever will be."
"Pet, you *are* different. And you may never be the same again. And maybe that's not a bad thing. I think the friends thing will work out. You Scoobies always work that stuff out. But it's gonna take time. It's silly of them to think that you're going to be 100% normal so soon after that. And I'm not sure you doing the fake thing with them is going to help."
"But they expect me to be happy. They think I was in hell! Of course I should be happier here. But I can't tell them where I really was."
"Why not, again?"
Buffy sighed, "Because it would hurt them."
"But if you aren't really feeling those kind of emotions right now, what do you care if they get hurt?"
Buffy pondered this for a moment. "I don't know. I just know I don't want to hurt them. They're my friends, even if I don't feel very friendly to them right now."
"Pet, way I see it is, you *do* have those feelings for them. All the old feelings are still there. They're just buried under your frustration and anger over being back."
"But my mom. I can't even remember loving my mom." Buffy began to cry. Spike put a tentative arm around her. She nestled her head into his chest.
"You love your mum, I've no doubt about it. But luv, you just came back from the dead. You can't expect everything to be the same within you. All those feelings you're scared of losing are there, they're just not...accessible right now. It's like they're behind a wall or something." Buffy looked up at him and chuckled through her tears. A wall. It was exactly what she had thought before. "Maybe there's this theoretical 'wall' around your heart, and you just have to break through. But I don't think it's something you can force. Just like the other things in your life, it's going to take time to get back to normal. But I have no doubt you will. If anyone can, it's you, Slayer."
Buffy sat up and wiped her eyes. "Don't call me that. Just call me Buffy, please."
Spike looked confused at her, but acquiesced. "Ok, Buffy." Just then the rain started and they both sprinted toward Spike's crypt.
Once they were safely inside, Buffy sat in Spike's lazy chair. There were already candles lit, as there often were in Spike's crypt. He lit a few more.
"Didn't you used to have a tv?" Buffy asked.
"Yeah, it's downstairs. I fixed it up down there, it's pretty nice."
"Can I see?"
"Sure, pet." Spike led her to the ladder and jumped down. He steadied her as she climbed down, and led her to a small love seat situated in front of the television. "So, whaddya fancy? Don't have many channels, and with it raining, I'm afraid the reception will be crap."
"It doesn't matter," Buffy said as she stretched and yawned. Spike knew she was very close to sleep.
By the time he had made the circuit of the 7 channels he got, she was out. He smiled as he picked her up. He carried her gently to his bed and laid her down. He took off her shoes and covered her up. He was trying to decide what to do with himself when he heard her say sleepily, "Spike? Don't leave, ok? If I wake up here, I'll probably freak out if you're gone."
Spike smiled at her, "I won't leave, pet. Promise." He walked back to the love seat and laid across it. It was uncomfortable, but at least it gave him a good vantage point to watch Buffy sleeping. He wanted to crawl in bed beside her and wrap her up in his arms. But he knew not to push it. He knew they were closer now than they had ever been, and he wasn't about to get greedy.
Anya began closing up around 8pm. Buffy sighed in relief that she would be able to leave.
"Well, guys, I'm going to head out. I told Spike we could do some patrolling."
Xander frowned, "Buff, maybe that's not such a good idea. I mean, you just got back. You don't need to deal with obsess-o boy again."
Buffy closed her eyes. "Xander, Spike is my friend, ok? You're going to have to deal with it. Please stop fighting with him, I really don't need this now."
Xander hung his head, "Sorry, Buffy. I just don't want...ah, you're right. I'm sure it's fine. You can take care of yourself."
Buffy told everyone goodbye and left quickly. She felt this relief wash over her as soon as she shut the door.
"Looks like we have the makings of a dark and stormy night, luv." Buffy jumped at his voice, then turned fast. She slugged him in the arm.
"Oww! I see being out of commission hasn't diminished your strength!" Spike gave her a cocky grin.
"God, you're awful! Don't you know better than to sneak up on people?"
"Uh, no, not really. It's kind of a vampire thing. Cuz when you just walk up to people and ask if you can bite them, they usually say 'no'." Buffy shuddered a bit at this.
"What are you doing here anyway?"
"Well, you said you wanted to patrol. I figured I'd just walk you to the cemetery. Ya know, make sure there's no big bads around. Well, except for yours truly."
Buffy started walking, Spike by her side. "You're kind of making a habit of that, aren't you? Look, next time you want to walk me home, just say so. No need in trying to be all sneaky, which you suck at, by the way."
Spike gave her a look of mock hurt, "I do *not* suck. Well, I *do*, being a vampire and all." Spike noticed Buffy cringe a bit at this. He wasn't sure what to make of it, but he continued. "I am very stealthy, I'll have you know. *You* were the one out in la-la land, letting vamps get close."
Buffy laughed, "Yeah, you were so stealthy. It's very discrete to mock your victims after you dust them."
"Oh, that's a little trick I picked up from *you.* You're the queen of ridiculing demons while you're killing them!"
"I do not! I just make observations from time to time."
"Uh huh." Spike saw her smiling from the corner of his eye.
When they made it to the cemetery, it didn't take long to spy a new vamp rising. "You want this one, pet?"
Buffy shook her head. "Nah, you go ahead. I'll get the next one." Spike shrugged and staked the vamp before he was halfway out of the ground.
After an hour, Spike's tally was five vamps and Buffy had none. After the first two, Spike didn't bother asking her. He could tell she wasn't up for it.
"So what's up, pet? It was your idea to go patrolling, and now you don't seem like you're in the mood."
Buffy stopped and sat on a headstone. "I don't know. I just don't feel like...slaying. I was kind of just hoping we could talk. Hoping the baddies would stay away tonight."
Spike cocked his head to the side. "Why didn't you just say so? We can just go talk, if you want. You want to keep patrolling, or maybe go back to my place?"
"Well, I'd love to just sit out here for a while. It really does look like it might rain though."
"Ok, pet, let's just sit here until the rain drives us in." They sat next to each other against a large headstone. "So, what's on your mind?"
Buffy recounted the day, complete with fake happiness. She also told him of her fears about losing emotion.
"I'm just so afraid that it'll be like this forever. That I'll never get those old feelings back. I just feel like I'm not even friends with my friends anymore. And that makes me feel guilty because I know they love me, I really do. But I just can't be around them for too long. It's like they all expect me to be the old Buffy again, but I'm not. And I don't know if I ever will be."
"Pet, you *are* different. And you may never be the same again. And maybe that's not a bad thing. I think the friends thing will work out. You Scoobies always work that stuff out. But it's gonna take time. It's silly of them to think that you're going to be 100% normal so soon after that. And I'm not sure you doing the fake thing with them is going to help."
"But they expect me to be happy. They think I was in hell! Of course I should be happier here. But I can't tell them where I really was."
"Why not, again?"
Buffy sighed, "Because it would hurt them."
"But if you aren't really feeling those kind of emotions right now, what do you care if they get hurt?"
Buffy pondered this for a moment. "I don't know. I just know I don't want to hurt them. They're my friends, even if I don't feel very friendly to them right now."
"Pet, way I see it is, you *do* have those feelings for them. All the old feelings are still there. They're just buried under your frustration and anger over being back."
"But my mom. I can't even remember loving my mom." Buffy began to cry. Spike put a tentative arm around her. She nestled her head into his chest.
"You love your mum, I've no doubt about it. But luv, you just came back from the dead. You can't expect everything to be the same within you. All those feelings you're scared of losing are there, they're just not...accessible right now. It's like they're behind a wall or something." Buffy looked up at him and chuckled through her tears. A wall. It was exactly what she had thought before. "Maybe there's this theoretical 'wall' around your heart, and you just have to break through. But I don't think it's something you can force. Just like the other things in your life, it's going to take time to get back to normal. But I have no doubt you will. If anyone can, it's you, Slayer."
Buffy sat up and wiped her eyes. "Don't call me that. Just call me Buffy, please."
Spike looked confused at her, but acquiesced. "Ok, Buffy." Just then the rain started and they both sprinted toward Spike's crypt.
Once they were safely inside, Buffy sat in Spike's lazy chair. There were already candles lit, as there often were in Spike's crypt. He lit a few more.
"Didn't you used to have a tv?" Buffy asked.
"Yeah, it's downstairs. I fixed it up down there, it's pretty nice."
"Can I see?"
"Sure, pet." Spike led her to the ladder and jumped down. He steadied her as she climbed down, and led her to a small love seat situated in front of the television. "So, whaddya fancy? Don't have many channels, and with it raining, I'm afraid the reception will be crap."
"It doesn't matter," Buffy said as she stretched and yawned. Spike knew she was very close to sleep.
By the time he had made the circuit of the 7 channels he got, she was out. He smiled as he picked her up. He carried her gently to his bed and laid her down. He took off her shoes and covered her up. He was trying to decide what to do with himself when he heard her say sleepily, "Spike? Don't leave, ok? If I wake up here, I'll probably freak out if you're gone."
Spike smiled at her, "I won't leave, pet. Promise." He walked back to the love seat and laid across it. It was uncomfortable, but at least it gave him a good vantage point to watch Buffy sleeping. He wanted to crawl in bed beside her and wrap her up in his arms. But he knew not to push it. He knew they were closer now than they had ever been, and he wasn't about to get greedy.
