Spike had spent most of the night watching Buffy sleep. Listening to her shallow breath, her steady heartbeat. He resisted the urge several times to comfort her when she whimpered. He wanted so much to rescue her from her bad dreams, but he knew he couldn't. He mostly wanted to rescue her from her current bad dream called life. He could tell she was so miserable, but he didn't know what he could do for her. He just decided to be there for her, no matter what she needed. A patrol partner, a sympathetic ear, a punching bag if need be. This was his Buffy and he wasn't about to do anything to make her more unhappy. He wasn't going to force her to be cheerful like her friends did. He wasn't going to try to remind her of all the happy times she had before she died. It wasn't his place. His place was beside her, in whatever capacity she needed him. And she did need him, he could tell. That thought alone would sustain him for another 100 years. She might not need him like he needed her, but it was a start. They were friends, and he'd never had a friend. Dru, Darla, and Angel were never his friends. Only his lover and sires. When he was human, he only had casual social acquaintances. Even at university, he was never able to connect to anyone. He was off in his own little world of romance and poetry. And on the rare occasion he tried to let someone in, they never wanted it. Only his mother had ever been truly loving and supportive of him She was the only other person to need him. He thought Dru couldn't live without him, but he was proven wrong. But now there was Buffy. She needed him. She needed to confide in him. She needed him to make herself feel better. He wasn't sure how he had gotten so lucky. First she comes back from the dead, and then she really, truly needs him.

Spike was broken out of his reverie by sobbing. He jumped up and was at the bed in an instant. He shook Buffy gently. "Luv, come on, luv. It's only a dream. Wake up, Buffy." Slowly Buffy's crying stopped and her breathing slowed.

"Spike? It's so dark. I can't see you."

"Oh, sorry, pet. I forget that not everyone has vamp vision. Hang on." Spike proceeded to light a few candles, just enough to let Buffy get a feel of where she was again. "You've been having bad dreams all night, luv."

Buffy nodded, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Yeah, I have ever since I got back. Some worse than others. I can never wake up from them. They always play themselves out."

"What kind of dreams?"

Buffy shrugged. "I can't always remember them. I just know I'm always so alone. And it's not like the feeling goes away when I wake up..They don't want me, Spike. My friends, they don't want me here. They want the old me. Hell, *I* want the old me. I just feel like they did this thing, they brought me back, and now they've abandoned me. Like they're just politely waiting for me to 'get back to normal' or something. But inside I feel so alone, so I try to act normal so maybe they'll want me. Or, so maybe I'll want them. Because I don't, not right now. I don't want them, and they don't want me. And I don't know how to live like this."

Spike sighed, taking the risk of gently brushing away a stray tear that fell down Buffy's cheek. "Pet, like I said, it's all going to take time. And to be honest, they haven't abandoned you. You've shut them out from the truth. Do you really think they wouldn't be there for you, supporting and loving you if you told them what really happened?"

Buffy shook her head. "Oh, I'm sure once they stopped feeling sorry for themselves, they'd spare a thought for me. But that's just the thing, I don't want their sympathy. I just want..I just want them to undo it. I don't want to be here. I want to go back, but they'll never understand that. And even if I told them where I was, they'd never be able to send me back. Because they're selfish."

"Pet, you know it's a strange day when I'm defending the Scoobies to you. But they're your friends. You need to be honest about this if you want to have any chance at a normal life again."

Buffy jumped off the bed. "Don't you get it? I *don't* want a normal life again. I don't want a *life*. This wonderful existence is full of pain and fear and exhaustion and violence. Who in their right mind would choose this over where I've been?"

Spike tilted his head and looked sadly at Buffy. "Buffy, if there was anything I could do to make you happier right now, you know I'd do it. But this...I think it's got to be you. You're the only one who can make yourself happy."

"No, Spike, there is something you can do for me...I'm terrified of the dark, and I wake up feeling alone. Would you just...I mean, just in a friend-type way...could you just hold me until morning? I hate waking up alone, in the dark." A tear fell down her cheek as she tried not to look at Spike. He tilted her chin up and smiled at her.

"Of course, pet. Whatever you need, you know I'm here for you." Spike climbed on the bed and offered his hand to Buffy as she laid down beside him. She turned her back to him and he draped his arm over her waist. She grabbed his hand and brought it across her chest to cradle her face against the pillow, making his grip on her that much tighter. Spike took in the scent of her hair so close to him and couldn't keep his own tear from falling. This depressed, miserable woman was his heaven, and he'd never be able to show her the sheer bliss of this moment.