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.....
Allright, I'm lying. Not exactly much relief. Maybe just a little. Enjoy!
"Luigi, come on, we've got customers waiting."
"All right, all right," his brother snapped, mouth full of toothpaste.
Mario raised an eyebrow as his brother spit in the sink. "You waiting for a sexy lady with plumbing problems?"
"It's called hygiene, Mario. You should try it sometime."
"Yeah yeah. Hurry up and get in the van."
"So who is it this time?" asked Luigi while they drove, clearly bored.
"Mr. Gronder…or something like that."
"Never heard of him."
"That can be a good thing. New customers could keep calling us and become regulars."
"Or we could fix their problems so well the first time they won't need to call us back."
Mario let his brother's flippant attitude slide, since he knew he deserved it from the night before. Besides, it was something eighteen year olds did best: acting cool and acting up. "Here we are," he said shortly. "And turn your hat back the right way."
"I like it backwards," he muttered, putting a hand on his green hat as if it would blow away.
A ring on the doorbell and a tall man with a long nose opened the door.
"You called for plumbers?"
"Oh…oh yeah. The tub's back this way."
They were both unsettled by the man's curtness but followed him to the problem.
"Darn thing doesn't drain."
"Well, hopefully we won't have to take your bathtub apart…heh heh." Apparently Mr. Gronder did not find the joke amusing, so Mario straightened his favorite red cap and cleared his throat. "Should be done in a jiffy."
The man just grunted and closed the door behind him. Mario made a face and turned to the tub drain, where Luigi was already busy sticking the handle end of his plunger inside. Mario climbed inside the tub with him.
"Oh come on. This guy is paying us by the hour and you take the path of least resistance?"
"You know, you're starting to sound more crooked everyday."
"Relax Weege, it's just a joke." A tense silence, then Mario reached for the plunger. "Here, let me do it."
"Mario, I've got it."
"Give me the plunger."
"Why don't you make me!" Luigi shoved the plunger stick hard into the drain and he felt something give way. "Ha. See? Nothing to it." Before Mario could roll his eyes, the showerhead made a funny squirt sound and water sprayed out.
"Whoa! That's cold!" Luigi reached out to shut off the water, but before he could grab it, his hand froze in midair, eyes staring in disbelief. "Uh.......M-mario…"
"That water is really cold, Luigi. Shut it off!"
"Mario, look, the drain!" Mario looked and gawked with his brother. The drain, once only two inches wide, was growing larger and larger, gulping down the shower water and looking ready to swallow the plumbers too. Luigi scrambled backwards. "Man, I knew this was a bad idea!"
Mario backed away and tried escaping out of the tub, but only got as far as one leg before he slipped. He felt a tug on his red overalls and immediately grasped the shower curtain, hoping it could hold him and whatever was clinging to his pant leg. He looked down and saw Luigi, eyes as wide as saucers and the lower half of him already engulfed in the drain.
"Mario!"
"Don't let go!"
"Mario, help!"
He felt his grip on the shower curtain slipping. He shook his head to clear the water away from his eyes and noticed the shower curtain itself slipping off its flimsy plastic rings. "Oh man…"
"Mario!"
"Hold your breath, Luigi!"
"What?!"
Too late. The curtain ripped off, and the plumbers were sucked into the drain as it opened its mouth wider, then shrank again, making a sound like the licking of lips. The Marios were gone without a trace.
Luigi felt like he was riding an amusement park water slide…until he hit the curves. He bounced off the sides with painful grunts, swallowing some water now and then. The ride got really bumpy, and on the verge of unconsciousness he started to believe that everything Mario had told him about the pipe-people was true. Bright sunlight, and the pipe spit him out, sending him rolling to the ground in a puddle of water. Luigi didn't notice his surroundings until after he caught his breath, choking on water. He lay on soft green grass on a hillside; the bluest sky lay above him.
"Mario?" he croaked. He shook his head to clear his eyes, realizing too late that shaking like that made his vision worse. "Mario where are you?"
"Here," someone answered weakly. Luigi felt a hand on his shoulder, and he jumped a mile high.
"Mario don't do that!"
"Sorry."
"Where are we?"
"I don't know, Luigi…Canada, maybe."
Luigi stood shakily and scanned the horizon. "Does Canada have castles?"
"Umm…some parts, I think."
Luigi nodded numbly, then took notice of the odd bricks and boxes that floated just out of reach. "Does Canada have…these?"
Mario stood up as well, wringing the water out of this cap. "I'm not sure."
Luigi shrugged, shading his eyes and searching deeper. "Hey Mario. This thing looks fake…" He pulled on an innocent looking daisy but dropped it in pain and shook his hand.
"What happened?"
"It...burned me!"
"What?"
"That flower is hot!"
"Let me try…" Mario scooped it up but couldn't hold it for five seconds without hissing and holding his breath. It fell to the ground a second time. "That's the weirdest thing…"
Both the plumbers jumped when they heard a scream close by.
"What was that?"
"Sounds like it came from down there." Mario pointed to a forest with a trail leading out of it.
"Sh-should we check it out?" Luigi set his jaw to cover his emotions.
"Yeah…come on." They jogged down the hill and down a valley until they reached the trail. Sounds of struggling and branches snapping made them freeze in their tracks, until Mario grabbed Luigi's arm and dragged him down behind a small pile of bricks. The sounds grew closer and Mario held a finger to his lips.
"Let me go, let me go!"
"It's too late for that now; we're miles from anyone. There's no one who can save you."
"Someone will hear me! Help! Help--" The sounds became muffled by what they assumed was the captors hand over the victim's mouth. Luigi looked almost angry.
"We gotta help that person," he hissed.
"Luigi, this isn't New York. This is probably even more dangerous. You don't know who's out there."
"Well, I'll find out once you get off my arm!"
"Shh! Keep your voice down!"
"Then get off me!"
"You're not going!"
"Who made you my ruler?" Mario was about to spit him a smart and true answer when his ears perked up. "Shh! Shh!"
"What?"
"Listen…I think they're gone."
"Great. My chance to save someone's life has slipped away."
"Stop being so dramatic. We don't know what went on." Slowly, two capped heads peeked out from behind the bricks.
"Coast is clear."
Mario slumped back against the bricks and sighed in relief. When he opened his eyes he found himself facing a wall of green scales and a bundle of pink crinolin. He slowly looked up, and stared into the eyes of a…
What in the Sam Hill is that?!?
Mario wasn't sure what to call it. It looked like a cross between an alligator and a turtle, but not quite a dinosaur. It had spike bracelets and a choker, much like what he'd seen punks wearing in the streets, but this thing wasn't from New York. He was beginning to think that they weren't even in Canada. Under one arm he carried a girl dressed in fancy clothes who hung there unconscious.
Mario froze, afraid that if he moved it would swallow him whole.
"Mario, you should have let me go. I mean, I could have taken that guy...how big could, he...be..." Luigi's chatter slowed and eventually stopped, mouth hanging open as he noticed the monster. The thing actually grinned.
"Well, well, well. Someone in the Mushroom Kingdom who has never been acquainted with me. This should be fun."
A short moment of silence, then Luigi stammered out. "It t-t-talks-s."
"Of course I can talk. You must think I'm some kind of evolutionary amoeba." It grinned, flashing rows of sharp, once-white teeth. "Now you two look interesting…the only other ones I've seen that resemble the Princess…"
"H-he's a p-p-pipe p-person," Luigi whispered in horror. Mario couldn't even nod to agree.
"…in looks, if not brains," the monster stated, clearly disappointed that neither of them had really spoken up. "Looks like I'll be having more guests tonight."
Luigi gasped a little and started, trying to get up and get the heck out of there. Yet on the other side of the bricks, some funny looking turtles glared at him, holding spears. Submissively he sat back down next to his brother, whose head banged against his, and then everything was black.
Mario awoke feeling cold with a sore head, and still a little wet from the trip through the pipe. He sat up quickly, not caring that he was behind bars in a dark, dank prison, only caring for his brother.
"Luigi?" he called out in a whispering kind of voice.
"Yeah." His brother sat in the far corner, knees drawn up to his chest, staring at the floor.
"Are you okay?"
"His name is Koopa," Luigi said numbly without really answering. "He's the king around here…well he thinks he is. He's trying to take over both lands so he can rule everything."
"Whoa whoa, slow down. King?"
"Someone in a cell across from us told me all about it. Said that he's been trying to kidnap that Princess we saw so he can have her kingdom. Said that he's been bent on this ever since they can remember. Said that…said that once you come into the prison…you don't come out." Luigi's voice choked a little and he set his jaw again.
"Hey, hey." Mario scooted closer to his brother and put his arm around him. "Don't get like that. It scares me."
"Like what?"
"All….worried and upset…panicked," Mario dared to say.
Luigi took on the defense before giving up. "I'm not…"
"Yeah?"
"Maybe a little."
Mario squeezed him closer reassuringly.
"I can't help but think of the pipe-people, Mario."
He grinned weakly. "Yeah me too. Don't worry, it's not them."
"How do you know?"
"Because…I know."
"You told me they weren't real. But sure enough here we are, sucked down this pipe and waiting to get eaten."
"Luigi, don't think like that. I only made them up."
Luigi shivered from his damp clothes, closing his eyes.
"Mario."
"Yeah?"
"…I wanna go home."
"Me too, pal. But we gotta find a way out first."
"…Mario."
"Yeah?"
"…I'm really scared, man."
Mario hadn't heard his brother tell him that since he was ten. At least he had a good reason to; being stuck in a cell by some huge, talking dragon shook up Mario, too. Thinking for a moment, he nudged Luigi's face towards his, looking into his frightened brown eyes.
"Wanna know what mama said after you were born?"
A surprised yet touched look from Luigi replaced any sign of "yes."
"She took you home from the hospital, put you in your crib and just kept staring at you, adoring you. She said, "My, such a brave, beautiful little boy. One day your courage will make you a hero, I just know it." She said that cause you almost didn't make it…but she knew you were strong enough and brave enough to pull through."
Luigi stared at his brother in awe, obviously moved by the story. "Is that really what she said?" he squeaked. Mario held him closer.
"You bet…I remember how jealous it made me."
Luigi breathed a quiet laugh, then leaned his head on his brother's shoulder. "I really do miss them."
"I know you do…you have every right to."
"She said it wouldn't be forever…she said 'just for a couple of hours'."
Mario took a deep breath. "I'm sorry about last night."
Luigi shook his head. "It's okay. I really don't remember much anyway." He suddenly sat up straight, blinking away his emotions. "So, if mama said I was brave, then I had better live up to it, hm?"
"Yeah," grinned Mario. "It's not the end of the world. We'll find a way out of this hole and a way back home."
Luigi stood up, inspecting the bars and the wall around them. "There must be a way we can get the keys…or bust the cell." He felt his waist in surprise. "Mario, they took my toolbelt!"
His brother sighed. "Mine too. Oh…wait." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of pliers. "Maybe this could work." Mario slipped his arm through the bars and stuck the sharp end of the tool into the opening of the lock and twisted it hard. After some moments of trying, he gave up.
"It's not gonna work."
"Great. Now what?"
"You'll never get out!" a small voice called. "Just give up now."
"Shh! Don't say that! We'll get out, you'll see."
The sound of footsteps came nearer, and the Marios backed themselves against the wall behind them. Instead of the fearsome turtle called Koopa, they found a smaller turtle, only half their height, one of the guards they had seen on the hillside. He stared at them accusingly.
"No talking among prisoners."
"I suppose you're going to tell us no breathing, either!" shot back Luigi.
The turtle glared angrily. "You watch yourself, mutant. One wrong word down here and…" the guard ran a finger along his throat, "you won't need to worry about breathing anymore."
Luigi was silenced, but not willingly. The guard noticed Mario. "What are you staring at?"
"Nothing," answered a fidgety Mario.
The guard spoke to Luigi without looking at him. "What's wrong with him?"
Luigi glanced at his brother, then understood completely. "He um…has a mighty need."
"A what?"
"A mighty need."
"Huh?"
"He needs to tinkle, you stupid oaf!" The guard jabbed his spear through the bars threateningly, and Luigi stuck up his hands.
"I can see that!" he replied. "What do you want me to do about it?"
"Don't these prisons have bathrooms?"
"Oh no, I'm not falling for that one."
"Pleeeeeease?" whined Mario, bouncing on his toes.
"He's really gotta go, man."
"Look, there's nothing I can do!"
Luigi waved him off. "You don't have to answer to that loser Koopa, do you? Come on you're better than that. You're your own man…erm, reptile."
The turtle didn't move, but seemed to be thinking about it.
"Come on, you know you don't have to listen to him."
"…I can't."
"Awe, man!" Mario complained, looking more eager by the second. Luigi shook his head, disappointed.
"Man, you just made a big mistake. I mean, do you know how much coffee this guy had to drink this morning? Think about the mess…whoo! And who's gotta clean it up?"
"Not me!" protested another prisoner.
"Shut up!" the guard yelled, slightly panicked.
"You have to clean it up, don't you?"
"Um…"
"If I were you, I'd open this door right now, and give this man a toilet."
"I…I don't know…"
"Weege…" Mario groaned.
"Come on! Give this man a toilet!" Luigi yelled, getting nervous.
"All right, all right!" the guard shouted back, hurriedly fumbling with his keys. He found one, the lock snapped, and he swung the door open. "Now, if you come quietly, we can forget this-oof!" Mario's fist caught him in the face and he fell to the ground, unconscious.
"Wow, Mario! That was so cool!" Luigi admired.
"Thanks," he grinned, not wanting to admit how good it felt. "And thanks for playing along."
"With what?"
"The whole bathroom thing."
"What…you mean you really didn't have-awe, Mario, that's low."
"I know. But it got us out of here. Come on, let's find us a door!"
Will our pudgy plumbers find a way out AND a way home--?
Luigi: Hey, I'm not pudgy! Robin Lee: *whispers* I know. It just rhymes well.
Luigi: Ah...
Anyway, tune in next week to find out!
