A/N Hullo again Ladies and . . . erm, well . . . Ladies (I've never met a guy who reads Gilmore fanfic, but if they exist then hello to you to!) anyway, here is chapter 5, it's a LUKE POV and . . . dum da da da enter Jess!!!
Disclaimer/Spoilers ~ If I owned this why in God's name would I be writing fanfic about it?? And the spoilers are the same, check past chapters.
Shameless Plug ~ Still looking for feedback on 'Invictus'
LUKE POV
Chapter Five : Certifiably Insane
Dammit.
What the hell am I doing?
What the hell was I thinking?
I am now officially and legitimately insane, soon to be committed and wearing a white straight jacket, drooling into a cup and eating lunch next to a guy who chews on his wrist and barks at people who ask him to pass the salt.
I mean, come one, me, Luke Danes, local diner man and spokesperson for the Organization Opposing All That Is Sentimental, agreeing to write my own wedding vows?!?!
How am I supposed to figure this out.
Not only do I have to find the perfect and loving thing to say, but I have to say it in front of a room filled with sixty people. And to make it even better Taylor and Bootsie will be there. My life will be over. I will never be taken seriously or allowed to be remotely gruff again after professing my love like that.
At least when it was the standard 'To have and to hold, till death do us part' spiel I didn't have to come up with it or even say it. All that would have been my responsibility was two small yet life changing words.
But no! No no no! Tradition is apparently overrated, sure ninety percent of the wedded couples in America stick with the simple version, but they are infertile boring wusses, half of whose marriages lasted no longer then a stick of Big Red or the Beanie Baby phenomena! That's just too simple and predictable, and god forbid that Lorelai Gilmore be accused of possessing either of those two traits.
That's it, I am moving to Oregon.
At least there I can get the kind off assistance I need without breaking the law.
I wonder when is the soonest opening Kevorkian has in his schedule. I mean you know, between banging a tin cup against the bars of his cell and secretly tunneling out with rock hammer and hiding the escape route behind a poster of Raquel Welch.
I glanced down at my paper and threw my pen across the room in frustration, the only word emblazoned on this document that is supposed to be meaningful and perfect was the opening statement 'Lorelai' proceeded by what seemed like miles and miles of blank white paper, just staring up at me.
I have never really seen an inanimate object mock someone before, so I can't really judge it, but I seriously believe that I saw that enormous blank space laughing at my failure to fill it.
I sighed as I reached behind my head and stretched my arms in an attempt at procrastination, and then I looked at the garbage can in the corner, around which were three more pieces of paper, all balled up and containing the exact same word.
Actually, that's a lie, my super creative juices actually got stimulated on one of them and it goes as far as to say 'Lorelai, I' before being rejected and crunched into a ball.
I can't deal with this.
It was here that I got up once again and began to walk around the diner, wiping down tables, refilling salt shakers, and trying to scrape the mystery gunk off the ceiling, a result of Kirk's latest money making endeavor.
This one was supposed to be a ball that flew higher then the ones that you get out of vending machines that can be sent to Mars if you bounce it hard enough, BUT this one also serves as a water bottle and soap dispenser.
Yet, as always, there was a slight problem with his little invention, and as soon as the thing hit the floor it exploded and now this bluish green slime seems to be amalgamated with my ceiling.
I was in the middle of balancing myself precariously on a tipsy ladder that allowed me to reach the goo, when there was a sudden tapping on my door.
Short, efficient taps.
I immediately groaned, what the hell is Taylor doing out of bed at this time??
I glanced at the clock angrily before turning to look at the person outside my door, and, as I thought, it was Taylor, but surprisingly there were three other men with him.
I made my way to the door and unlocked it reluctantly, Taylor's mob outside my diner at 10:00 P.M could only mean serious pulling out of my own hair was soon to come.
"What are you people doing?" I questioned incredulously.
"Move aside Luke." Taylor said happily, as he pushed me aside and proceeded to come into the diner and begin to unpack the two bags he was carrying on the counter.
I just glowered as the rest of them followed, Andrew, Bootsie, and Kirk, the three horsemen of the apocalypse.
They had begun to pull out streamers and party favors when I intervened.
"Taylor?! What the hell are you doing?" I demanded angrily, feeling my boiling point being fast approached.
"Isn't it obvious Luke?" Taylor said proudly, his arms sweeping wide in order to gesture to pink streamers, poppers, and Kirk blowing on one of those annoying party whistles, "We are throwing you a bachelor party!!"
And in T minus 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .
BLASTOFF!!
"WHAT?!?!"
"Oh Luke, don't get to upset, it's tradition! Here, take a hat!" Kirk said as he pulled a spare out of his pocket.
"I WILL NOT take a hat!" I shouted angrily as I glanced down at it, "Especially not one that is wishing me a happy sixth birthday!"
Kirk shriveled at his failure to procure the correct party favor "Well they didn't have a 'Happy Last Four Nights As A Free Man Who Will Soon Be Married To The Woman He Has Loved For Eleven Years' hat, believe me! I searched high and wide! I even tried to make them myself! But there was this accident with glue and the fact that it sticks really well to hair and . . ." He trailed off as he pulled off his own hat to reveal that half of his head was shaved "The only way to get it out was to amputate my beautiful hair!!"
I just stared amazedly at them, "Amputate?" I finally asked amazedly "Bachelor Party? Stupid hats?"
"Luke! Get in the spirit of things" Bootsie yelled "Look! I brought the music!!"
And that was when I completely lost it, the second he pressed play I was done for. I can't stand this, I think I almost went into cardiac arrest as Bootsie pressed the play button and . . . .
"Oh everybody have fun tonight
Everybody have fun tonight
Everybody Wang Chung tonight"
"Get the hell out!! NOW!!" I screamed, my extreme hatred for this entire situation finally bubbling over. That music was the last straw.
And a grumbling group of defeated party planners began to trudge out, and after a few seconds I was left only with Kirk.
"You to Captain" I said angrily.
"Well, actually Luke, I was hoping that you could help me out." He said.
"No, absolutely not." I replied automatically.
"But why noy?" He whined
I just stared at him furiously as I pointed to the crap on my ceiling, "That's why not!" I practically shouted. Yet Kirk just remained as passive as always.
"No no Luke! I was actually wondering of you could tell me where the good wilding goes on in Stars Hollow. You see, my curfew is seven thirty so I am never around when the late night raves start, but tonight mother allowed me to stay out until eleven for your party, but seeing as you have rejected out very thoughtful and planned out offer, I have an hour to get crazy" he said, using air quotes to emphasize the last two words.
I just glowered at him silently, and he nodded.
"Very well then."
And he left.
I leaned on the door as I locked it behind them. This entire town should be locked up and studied at Bellvue. Sometimes I even wonder why I stay here.
I sighed as I sat back down to stare at my blank paper, and was about to start doodling when the phone rang and I jumped slightly.
"Luke's" I answered gruffly
"Hullo Lucas!! How are we tonight?" I smiled a little as I heard her familiar voice, but then, upon remembering that I am Luke, let the grin drop from my face and resumed my usual attitude.
"Not much, actually I just got to kick out Mr. Sweater Vest and his henchmen, so I'm in a fairly good mood." I replied
"Really? What were they doing there so late? Isn't it past Kirk's bed time?"
"Well actually, they were trying to throw me some kind of bachelor party, so apparently Kirk's curfew was amended."
"And you kicked them out? You mean my Luke didn't jump at the chance to receive his final lap dance from another woman?"
"I don't think there was time allotted to that in the agenda, the musical chairs and pin the tail on the donkey pretty much filled up the schedule."
"Ah, I see."
"Yea."
"Well I was actually calling to ask you if you could do me a favor and ask Rory for my hair curler, I left it up there this morning. Oh, and while you're up there could you check on the girls. You know, make sure that they have all of the necessities, you know, sheets, towels, enshrined picture of David Bowie."
"Lorelai, you checked that last night, the towels part anyway."
"Just humor me."
"Fine."
"Okay, and Lukey? However tempting it may be I want you to refrain from being too crotchety and alienating them, they are coming to the wedding after all."
"Thank you for the input, I'll try."
"Your welcome, I have to go, but I just wanted to tell you that I was surfing the channels at the elder Gilmore's house whilst mi madre once again attempted to talk me into wearing a Diana-esque train, and I came across a marathon of old Star Trek episodes!"
"I'm hanging up now."
"Fine, just though I'd let you know."
"It's been noted."
"Ok, I'll see you at home. I love you Spock."
I smiled happily, "I love you, too."
I hung up the phone then and made my way upstairs slowly, enjoying the usual cloud of contented happiness that always follows a conversation with Lorelai, even though lately she has been milking my goddam Star Trek phase relentlessly.
I reached the top of the stairs and rapped on the 'William's Hardware' door.
"Rory? Its Luke, can I come it?" I called.
"Yea sure, come on in Lucas!" I grimaced at the name as I pushed the door open.
"Hey Luke!" Rory said happily as I entered to find all six of them sitting in their respective beds and either watching old Taxi reruns or painting toenails or doing that weird thing girls do when they sit behind one another and play with each other's hair, but the one who could be the bastard offspring of Benito Mussolini and Margaret Hamilton was snoring and Rory was lying on her bed, reading.
"Whats up?" She asked as I walked toward her.
"Well I'm actually up here on an errand for your mother. She just wanted to make sure you guys were comfortable and wanted to know if she could have her, um, well she left something for her hair up here this morning and she was wondering if you-"
"Her hair curler?"
"That's it, she asked me to get it for her before I went home tonight."
"No problem," she said as she reached over the side of her bed and yanked her bag of the floor. "Let me just find it."
I nodded as I looked around the apartment, and my eyes found a place to rest when the blonde girl shrieked "Oh oh! Go back! Adair go back to channel 47! That was Sulu!"
Rory looked at me mischievously, "Yea, Claire likes Star Trek also Luke, I think you two would get along."
I rolled my eyes inwardly as I was asked a question by Claire.
"Oh Luke! Were you a trekkie?"
I was about to open my mouth to tell her no, before Rory cut me off.
"Yea he was, apparently one year he wore the same Captain Kirk shirt everyday."
And all of the girls laughed a little as there was a knock on the door.
I grunted in response to the giggles and said, "In an effort to remove myself from this conversation I think I'll go now, and I might as well get the door also." And I reached out to Rory, who handed me the curling thing and went back to her reading as I turned to the door.
I opened it as I called a goodbye to the girls. I turned to face the person who had come to see them, expecting Lorelai, but when I turned around,
Oh . . .
My . . .
God . . .
"Hey Uncle Luke."
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A/N ~ dum dum dum!! Suspense and cliffhangers!! Sorry!! I'll try to have the next chapter out ASAP, and I think it's gonna be a Jess POV but I'm not completely sure. Anyway, c'mon, hit that little review button, you know you want to all the other kids are doing it!!!
