"Spike, wait up!" Buffy was pulling on her jacket as she followed Spike
down the sidewalk. She finally caught up with him and grabbed his arm to
halt him. "Would you just stop for a minute? What's the deal?"
Spike spun around and yanked his arm from her grip. "What's the *deal*? What do you think the deal is, Slayer? I mean, you actually think I could do *any*thing with that bot after losing you? After holding you up on that tower and watching you jump right out of my life...god, how could you think I could even stand to look at that thing? That thing that was almost, but not quite you. It was good enough for me before. Before you treated me like a human, like a man. I needed something of you, Buffy. I had the bot made so I could play pretend that you actually saw me as someone. That you actually saw me as the man you made me want to be. I pretended that you loved me as much as I loved you. I had it made to say all the things I dreamed you'd say to me. But once I actually *knew* what it was like to be considered a man by you...by the real you...after I held you tight in my arms, knowing you accepted my love...how could I have anything to do with that shell of a thing?" Spike was pacing a small area on the sidewalk. "Do you have any idea how hard it was just to be patrolling with that thing? Even after Red reprogrammed it...it was still like looking at you, all the time."
Buffy walked up to Spike, halting his tirade. She looked up at him, sadness in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Spike. I should have known. I saw how much you changed after Glory hurt you. Probably even before, but I didn't bother to notice. I never noticed you, not really. And I'm sorry for that too." Buffy reached up and gently caressed Spike's cheek with her thumb. Then she slid her hand around his neck and pulled him down to her. She gave him a soft kiss on his cheek and released him.
Spike stood a bit stunned before her. She giggled at his witless expression and grabbed his arm. It took a bit of tugging to get him to move, but when he did, she kept her arm linked in his. Giles might have seen them walking down the sidewalk like a couple had he not decided to clean his glasses after seeing her kiss him. He moved away from the window with a 'bloody hell.'
Twenty minutes into the patrol and Spike could see again that Buffy wasn't up for it. After dusting a fledgling, Spike sighed, "Pet, why do you insist on patrolling if you don't wanna slay?" Buffy shrugged, peeling strips off her unused stake. "Alright, how about we head out to that diner nearby? I'll buy you some dinner. Put some meat on your increasingly noticeable bones."
"Already ate."
"Ok, you can watch me eat and criticize my table manners, how about that?"
"Ok." Buffy bounded off the headstone she had parked herself on and again linked arms with Spike. He gave her a curious look. "What? Girl can't be too careful walking through a graveyard at night."
Spike ordered up a plate of hotwings and some fries. Buffy had a diet coke. While he waited for his food, Spike looked intently at Buffy. She was gazing off at nothing. "Ok, I don't suppose I have to ask what's got you down, since you've been nothing *but* since you got back. But you're really out of it tonight, luv." Buffy shrugged again, not looking at Spike. He shook his head. "Pet, you've gotta talk to me. I know you're not talking to anyone else." Buffy finally looked at him for a moment. She put her hand on top of his, then turned to look out the window.
"I like spending time with you, Spike. It's the only time I feel half decent. But half decent still isn't where I need to be to make it." She was so distant, Spike wanted to shake her to the present.
Spike put his other hand on top of hers, but she didn't look at him. "Ok, pet, so what are we going to do about it?"
Buffy sighed, "Don't know. Don't really suppose it matters. Lots of people go through life like this, I bet. Miserable people who turn out to be miserable old folks with 20 cats and no friends. And being the Slayer, maybe I don't have to live to be that old. Never liked cats anyway..."
Spike clenched his jaw. He jerked both his hands from her and slammed them on the table, drawing the attention of the few patrons in the diner. Buffy seemed to snap to attention too. Spike leaned as far over the table as he could without getting out of his seat. "You listen to me, we're going to figure this out. You're not going to be miserable forever. I want to help you, but I can't do it alone. All your friends would be happy to help you, but even they can't do it. *You* have to do it. You have to *want* it. Now, damnit, work with me here. Let's talk this out and make it work. Tell me what you need me to do here, Buffy. I'll do anything to help you, you know it. But this, how you are now, it's not going to work. I can see you retreating into yourself. Soon you'll be so far in, no one can reach you."
Buffy broke down. "I don't know what to do, Spike. It can't really be like this forever. I feel so empty inside. I can't take this. I just can't live like this." Buffy was sobbing now, not caring who noticed.
Spike slid out of his booth seat and into hers. He put an arm around her and drew her close. "It's ok, pet. We'll figure it out. Maybe we'll get the Watcher in on it, he might know what to do. Or where to start. It's not going to be easy, Buffy, but we'll do it, ok? Do you trust me?"
Buffy looked up at him, tears still streaming down her face. She nodded. "You really do care, don't you? You'd really do anything for me..." She nuzzled her face back into his chest as her crying lessened.
"Of course, luv. Anything in my power, I'll do it. I just want you happy. Even if I couldn't be here to enjoy it, I could die happy knowing you would find some contentment in life again." Spike had his head down on hers, eyes closed. He was enjoying the feel of her in his arms again, oblivious to the outside world.
After they enjoyed their cuddle, and some hotwings, Spike walked Buffy home. He stood in front of her door, bathed in the pale porch light. Buffy looked at him for a long moment before speaking. "You're right, it's not going to be easy. But I know you'll be with me, giving me what I need. Spike, right now you're the only thing that makes me even approach happy. And I think I know what needs to happen to make me feel good again." Buffy put her hands around his neck and for the second time that night drew him down for a kiss. But this time, it was not his cheek she went for, but his lips. Spike's body tensed and, almost as quickly, relaxed into hers. She held his face to hers, and he slipped his arms around her waist. He gripped her tightly, for fear it was just another dream and he would wake up with him in his crypt and her forever gone. Buffy pulled away from him, smiling. He has his eyes closed for a moment, not willing to take the chance of opening them to nothing. When she caressed his face, he finally looked at her. She just gave him a wink and walked into the house. Spike stood for a moment, partly stunned and partly stoned, on Buffy. He turned and started home, feeling for all the world a little boy without a care in the world.
Buffy went up to her bedroom, feeling better than she had since she got back. She had something to work with. She had Spike, and she had a plan. She pulled out some paper and a pen and started to work on making everything right again.
**
R&R, no, not rest and relaxation sillies!
Spike spun around and yanked his arm from her grip. "What's the *deal*? What do you think the deal is, Slayer? I mean, you actually think I could do *any*thing with that bot after losing you? After holding you up on that tower and watching you jump right out of my life...god, how could you think I could even stand to look at that thing? That thing that was almost, but not quite you. It was good enough for me before. Before you treated me like a human, like a man. I needed something of you, Buffy. I had the bot made so I could play pretend that you actually saw me as someone. That you actually saw me as the man you made me want to be. I pretended that you loved me as much as I loved you. I had it made to say all the things I dreamed you'd say to me. But once I actually *knew* what it was like to be considered a man by you...by the real you...after I held you tight in my arms, knowing you accepted my love...how could I have anything to do with that shell of a thing?" Spike was pacing a small area on the sidewalk. "Do you have any idea how hard it was just to be patrolling with that thing? Even after Red reprogrammed it...it was still like looking at you, all the time."
Buffy walked up to Spike, halting his tirade. She looked up at him, sadness in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Spike. I should have known. I saw how much you changed after Glory hurt you. Probably even before, but I didn't bother to notice. I never noticed you, not really. And I'm sorry for that too." Buffy reached up and gently caressed Spike's cheek with her thumb. Then she slid her hand around his neck and pulled him down to her. She gave him a soft kiss on his cheek and released him.
Spike stood a bit stunned before her. She giggled at his witless expression and grabbed his arm. It took a bit of tugging to get him to move, but when he did, she kept her arm linked in his. Giles might have seen them walking down the sidewalk like a couple had he not decided to clean his glasses after seeing her kiss him. He moved away from the window with a 'bloody hell.'
Twenty minutes into the patrol and Spike could see again that Buffy wasn't up for it. After dusting a fledgling, Spike sighed, "Pet, why do you insist on patrolling if you don't wanna slay?" Buffy shrugged, peeling strips off her unused stake. "Alright, how about we head out to that diner nearby? I'll buy you some dinner. Put some meat on your increasingly noticeable bones."
"Already ate."
"Ok, you can watch me eat and criticize my table manners, how about that?"
"Ok." Buffy bounded off the headstone she had parked herself on and again linked arms with Spike. He gave her a curious look. "What? Girl can't be too careful walking through a graveyard at night."
Spike ordered up a plate of hotwings and some fries. Buffy had a diet coke. While he waited for his food, Spike looked intently at Buffy. She was gazing off at nothing. "Ok, I don't suppose I have to ask what's got you down, since you've been nothing *but* since you got back. But you're really out of it tonight, luv." Buffy shrugged again, not looking at Spike. He shook his head. "Pet, you've gotta talk to me. I know you're not talking to anyone else." Buffy finally looked at him for a moment. She put her hand on top of his, then turned to look out the window.
"I like spending time with you, Spike. It's the only time I feel half decent. But half decent still isn't where I need to be to make it." She was so distant, Spike wanted to shake her to the present.
Spike put his other hand on top of hers, but she didn't look at him. "Ok, pet, so what are we going to do about it?"
Buffy sighed, "Don't know. Don't really suppose it matters. Lots of people go through life like this, I bet. Miserable people who turn out to be miserable old folks with 20 cats and no friends. And being the Slayer, maybe I don't have to live to be that old. Never liked cats anyway..."
Spike clenched his jaw. He jerked both his hands from her and slammed them on the table, drawing the attention of the few patrons in the diner. Buffy seemed to snap to attention too. Spike leaned as far over the table as he could without getting out of his seat. "You listen to me, we're going to figure this out. You're not going to be miserable forever. I want to help you, but I can't do it alone. All your friends would be happy to help you, but even they can't do it. *You* have to do it. You have to *want* it. Now, damnit, work with me here. Let's talk this out and make it work. Tell me what you need me to do here, Buffy. I'll do anything to help you, you know it. But this, how you are now, it's not going to work. I can see you retreating into yourself. Soon you'll be so far in, no one can reach you."
Buffy broke down. "I don't know what to do, Spike. It can't really be like this forever. I feel so empty inside. I can't take this. I just can't live like this." Buffy was sobbing now, not caring who noticed.
Spike slid out of his booth seat and into hers. He put an arm around her and drew her close. "It's ok, pet. We'll figure it out. Maybe we'll get the Watcher in on it, he might know what to do. Or where to start. It's not going to be easy, Buffy, but we'll do it, ok? Do you trust me?"
Buffy looked up at him, tears still streaming down her face. She nodded. "You really do care, don't you? You'd really do anything for me..." She nuzzled her face back into his chest as her crying lessened.
"Of course, luv. Anything in my power, I'll do it. I just want you happy. Even if I couldn't be here to enjoy it, I could die happy knowing you would find some contentment in life again." Spike had his head down on hers, eyes closed. He was enjoying the feel of her in his arms again, oblivious to the outside world.
After they enjoyed their cuddle, and some hotwings, Spike walked Buffy home. He stood in front of her door, bathed in the pale porch light. Buffy looked at him for a long moment before speaking. "You're right, it's not going to be easy. But I know you'll be with me, giving me what I need. Spike, right now you're the only thing that makes me even approach happy. And I think I know what needs to happen to make me feel good again." Buffy put her hands around his neck and for the second time that night drew him down for a kiss. But this time, it was not his cheek she went for, but his lips. Spike's body tensed and, almost as quickly, relaxed into hers. She held his face to hers, and he slipped his arms around her waist. He gripped her tightly, for fear it was just another dream and he would wake up with him in his crypt and her forever gone. Buffy pulled away from him, smiling. He has his eyes closed for a moment, not willing to take the chance of opening them to nothing. When she caressed his face, he finally looked at her. She just gave him a wink and walked into the house. Spike stood for a moment, partly stunned and partly stoned, on Buffy. He turned and started home, feeling for all the world a little boy without a care in the world.
Buffy went up to her bedroom, feeling better than she had since she got back. She had something to work with. She had Spike, and she had a plan. She pulled out some paper and a pen and started to work on making everything right again.
**
R&R, no, not rest and relaxation sillies!
