Buffy spent the rest of the day with her friends. It was no longer a chore
to be with them. She didn't have to pretend she liked them. She was so
grateful to be able to love them again. She felt happier than she had in a
while. Still, something was missing. She knew full well it was Spike. She
had hurt him. Badly. All he had done was be open to her needs and she took
full advantage of that. He loved her and she used that love to hurt him.
"What do I do?" Buffy asked before realizing no one had a clue what she was talking about.
"About what, Buffy?" Willow asked as she set down a tray of drinks on the living room table.
"Spike. I can't believe I did that. I mean, I was so terrible to him. How can I see *now* that was so wrong, but at the time it seemed like the most logical thing in the world?"
"Ah, Buff, things were wonky. Spike understands that." Xander was keeping his word, trying *not* say mean things about Spike. It was definitely a challenge.
"You don't know, Xander. You didn't see what I did to him. I...played on his love for me. I made him think...I made him think I wanted him, so he would kill me. I am a psychotic witch! I mean, not the wiccan kind of witch..."
Tara smiled knowingly and patted Buffy's hand.
"Well, Buffy, I'd say the best course of action would be just to talk to Spike. Tell him you're sorry. Assure him that you're going to be alright, because I think he's very worried about you," Giles said.
Buffy nodded. "But later. I'm not ready to see him right now. I wouldn't know what to say."
"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm up for some food!" Xander stood up, rubbing his hands together.
"Sounds good."
"I'm in."
"Yes, I think we have something to celebrate. Dinner's on me tonight," Giles offered. No one declined.
"Alright, let's go pick up Anya on the way. She can close the store early for a little celebratin'!" Xander started handing out coats.
"I don't know, Xander. You think she's willing to cut short her money dance of capitalistic superiority to hang out with us?" Willow giggled.
Buffy raised her eyebrows. "She has a dance?"
Xander hung his head as he held the door open for everyone. "She has a dance."
On their way home from dinner, Buffy had a request. As Giles let her off at the cemetery gates, she promised not to be too late. No one questioned her. They all knew where she was going.
By the time she reached his crypt, she had worked over a few different scenarios in her head. She wasn't sure which opening line to go with, but she figured she'd be able to tell by his demeanor. The door was slightly ajar, which usually wasn't a good sign. She pushed it open slowly, letting her eyes adjust to the dark. There were a few candles burning. Buffy's eyes burned with tears as she remembered the sweetness of Spike the last few days. As she entered, she immediately noticed the blood. Her blood. It was just a big stain now. Some discarded rags and shirts were the remnants of Spike's cleaning attempt. She shook her head, disgusted with the idea that Spike was here cleaning up her blood. 'He shouldn't have had to do that,' she thought.
"Spike? You here?" Buffy climbed down the ladder quietly. After getting no response, and searching a bit around the lower level, Buffy decided to leave. She figured Spike was at Willy's or something. Probably on a well deserved bender.
As Buffy walked dejectedly to the gates, she heard a scuffling off to her right. She passed through some trees to a clearing. What she saw made her stop and admire. Spike. Fists and fangs. He was fighting 3 fledglings at once. But he was in complete control. He was playing with them. He'd knock one off as another charged at him. She saw the glee on his face. This was his therapy. This was his bender. She let him have it. She could have easily joined in and staked them good and proper. But then what would Spike do to get out his aggression? She watched him for another 10 minutes. The stupid newbie vamps never thought to run. For some reason, they kept thinking their numbers would overpower him. The obviously didn't know Spike.
She made sure to keep herself hidden, lest one of the vamps take her for a helpless young girl. She still wasn't up to slaying yet, but she would if she had to. After a while, she could tell Spike was getting bored. He staked one, then another. When the third one managed to kick the stake out of Spike's hand, Spike raised his eyebrows and shrugged. He grabbed the vamp's head and twisted it off.
When he was done, he stood several yards away from her, his back to her. She decided it would be nearly impossible to sneak away without him noticing, so she was just going to let him leave before she moved from her hiding spot.
"Gonna stay there all night?" Spike said without facing her.
Buffy sheepishly crept from her spot. 'Stupid vamp senses.' She walked up to him slowly, pretty sure he wasn't really in the mood for her to be there.
"What do you want, Slayer?" His voice was colder than usual. 'To be expected,' Buffy thought.
"Um, I just wanted to...apologize." Buffy noticed Spike's back muscles tense in his tight t-shirt. She was sorta thankful she still had his duster.
"Right, apology accepted. G'night." Spike stalked away from her.
Buffy jogged to catch up with him and grabbed his arm. He spun around to face her, still vamped out. "What do you want? You apologized, I accepted, now why don't you toddle on home?"
Buffy looked at the ground, but never released his arm. "I also wanted to thank you..."
Spike jerked his arm away. "Thank me?! Thank me for what? For biting you? For nearly killing you?!" He grabbed her arms and pulled her close to his face. "Take a good look, Slayer. This is how you always see me, isn't it? The monster? Fine, I'm the monster. You wanted me to bite you, I bit you. But don't you ever try to thank me for it. Because for all your talk before, I know you don't see the man. The man is who you asked to make love to you, the monster is who bit you. And that's all you want from me. It won't happen again, Slayer. I won't be taken in by you anymore. You made me feel like a man, but thank you for reminding me what I really am. Because when I'm with you, I forget for a while sometimes. So thank you, Slayer. Thank you for reminding me how you really see me." With that, he shoved her away. He turned to go again.
"Spike, please just let me explain." Spike turned and started to speak. She reached up and put a finger on his mouth. Then she trailed her hand up to his forehead, caressing the ridges. He immediately slid into human face. She let her hand drop from his face.
"What do you want, Slayer?" He sounded tired, exasperated.
"I wanted to say thank you for...everything. Saving my life, firstly. Because I do realize how monumentally stupid that was. And I realize it hurt you. I'm not sure I can ever make that up to you. Because I do see you as a man, Spike. I know it was the man that I hurt, and I'm sorry. Not that 'sorry' makes it better. I also wanted to thank you for telling me to be honest with my friends. Granted, they found out by way of my...suicide note. But still...Spike, it was the most amazing thing. We were all there together at my house. They all knew everything. And just like a wall breaking down, it all came back to me. All the feelings I thought I had lost. All of it. My mom, Spike. I love my mom. And I can feel it again. And I owe that to you. If I had only taken your advice sooner, maybe things wouldn't have gotten so far out of hand." A few tears slid down her cheek. Spike's face softened as he reached up to brush them away with his thumb. Then, as if remembering himself, he pulled away.
"I'm happy for you, Slayer," Spike said earnestly, if sadly. "I knew if you were just honest with them, things would be better. So what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be having some Scooby celebration?"
"Already had one. Spike, I couldn't just let things lie with us. I had to come and apologize."
"Fine. Like I said, apology accepted. I'm happy that you're happy, luv." Spike sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
"Well, I'm not quite so happy yet, but I can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm hoping it's not just a train!" She chuckled, but Spike was not to be cheered.
Spike nodded. "That's good. I always felt honesty was the best policy. Too much shiftiness and shirtiness only ruins things. You all should take lessons from Anya. That girl is forthright."
"That she is." Buffy shifted a bit. "You're always honest with me, aren't you?"
Spike looked at her curiously, not sure what her tone was implying. "I try..."
Buffy looked around and found a headstone nearby. She sat on it and crossed her arms. "Tell me about the chip."
**
R&R pretty please!
"What do I do?" Buffy asked before realizing no one had a clue what she was talking about.
"About what, Buffy?" Willow asked as she set down a tray of drinks on the living room table.
"Spike. I can't believe I did that. I mean, I was so terrible to him. How can I see *now* that was so wrong, but at the time it seemed like the most logical thing in the world?"
"Ah, Buff, things were wonky. Spike understands that." Xander was keeping his word, trying *not* say mean things about Spike. It was definitely a challenge.
"You don't know, Xander. You didn't see what I did to him. I...played on his love for me. I made him think...I made him think I wanted him, so he would kill me. I am a psychotic witch! I mean, not the wiccan kind of witch..."
Tara smiled knowingly and patted Buffy's hand.
"Well, Buffy, I'd say the best course of action would be just to talk to Spike. Tell him you're sorry. Assure him that you're going to be alright, because I think he's very worried about you," Giles said.
Buffy nodded. "But later. I'm not ready to see him right now. I wouldn't know what to say."
"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm up for some food!" Xander stood up, rubbing his hands together.
"Sounds good."
"I'm in."
"Yes, I think we have something to celebrate. Dinner's on me tonight," Giles offered. No one declined.
"Alright, let's go pick up Anya on the way. She can close the store early for a little celebratin'!" Xander started handing out coats.
"I don't know, Xander. You think she's willing to cut short her money dance of capitalistic superiority to hang out with us?" Willow giggled.
Buffy raised her eyebrows. "She has a dance?"
Xander hung his head as he held the door open for everyone. "She has a dance."
On their way home from dinner, Buffy had a request. As Giles let her off at the cemetery gates, she promised not to be too late. No one questioned her. They all knew where she was going.
By the time she reached his crypt, she had worked over a few different scenarios in her head. She wasn't sure which opening line to go with, but she figured she'd be able to tell by his demeanor. The door was slightly ajar, which usually wasn't a good sign. She pushed it open slowly, letting her eyes adjust to the dark. There were a few candles burning. Buffy's eyes burned with tears as she remembered the sweetness of Spike the last few days. As she entered, she immediately noticed the blood. Her blood. It was just a big stain now. Some discarded rags and shirts were the remnants of Spike's cleaning attempt. She shook her head, disgusted with the idea that Spike was here cleaning up her blood. 'He shouldn't have had to do that,' she thought.
"Spike? You here?" Buffy climbed down the ladder quietly. After getting no response, and searching a bit around the lower level, Buffy decided to leave. She figured Spike was at Willy's or something. Probably on a well deserved bender.
As Buffy walked dejectedly to the gates, she heard a scuffling off to her right. She passed through some trees to a clearing. What she saw made her stop and admire. Spike. Fists and fangs. He was fighting 3 fledglings at once. But he was in complete control. He was playing with them. He'd knock one off as another charged at him. She saw the glee on his face. This was his therapy. This was his bender. She let him have it. She could have easily joined in and staked them good and proper. But then what would Spike do to get out his aggression? She watched him for another 10 minutes. The stupid newbie vamps never thought to run. For some reason, they kept thinking their numbers would overpower him. The obviously didn't know Spike.
She made sure to keep herself hidden, lest one of the vamps take her for a helpless young girl. She still wasn't up to slaying yet, but she would if she had to. After a while, she could tell Spike was getting bored. He staked one, then another. When the third one managed to kick the stake out of Spike's hand, Spike raised his eyebrows and shrugged. He grabbed the vamp's head and twisted it off.
When he was done, he stood several yards away from her, his back to her. She decided it would be nearly impossible to sneak away without him noticing, so she was just going to let him leave before she moved from her hiding spot.
"Gonna stay there all night?" Spike said without facing her.
Buffy sheepishly crept from her spot. 'Stupid vamp senses.' She walked up to him slowly, pretty sure he wasn't really in the mood for her to be there.
"What do you want, Slayer?" His voice was colder than usual. 'To be expected,' Buffy thought.
"Um, I just wanted to...apologize." Buffy noticed Spike's back muscles tense in his tight t-shirt. She was sorta thankful she still had his duster.
"Right, apology accepted. G'night." Spike stalked away from her.
Buffy jogged to catch up with him and grabbed his arm. He spun around to face her, still vamped out. "What do you want? You apologized, I accepted, now why don't you toddle on home?"
Buffy looked at the ground, but never released his arm. "I also wanted to thank you..."
Spike jerked his arm away. "Thank me?! Thank me for what? For biting you? For nearly killing you?!" He grabbed her arms and pulled her close to his face. "Take a good look, Slayer. This is how you always see me, isn't it? The monster? Fine, I'm the monster. You wanted me to bite you, I bit you. But don't you ever try to thank me for it. Because for all your talk before, I know you don't see the man. The man is who you asked to make love to you, the monster is who bit you. And that's all you want from me. It won't happen again, Slayer. I won't be taken in by you anymore. You made me feel like a man, but thank you for reminding me what I really am. Because when I'm with you, I forget for a while sometimes. So thank you, Slayer. Thank you for reminding me how you really see me." With that, he shoved her away. He turned to go again.
"Spike, please just let me explain." Spike turned and started to speak. She reached up and put a finger on his mouth. Then she trailed her hand up to his forehead, caressing the ridges. He immediately slid into human face. She let her hand drop from his face.
"What do you want, Slayer?" He sounded tired, exasperated.
"I wanted to say thank you for...everything. Saving my life, firstly. Because I do realize how monumentally stupid that was. And I realize it hurt you. I'm not sure I can ever make that up to you. Because I do see you as a man, Spike. I know it was the man that I hurt, and I'm sorry. Not that 'sorry' makes it better. I also wanted to thank you for telling me to be honest with my friends. Granted, they found out by way of my...suicide note. But still...Spike, it was the most amazing thing. We were all there together at my house. They all knew everything. And just like a wall breaking down, it all came back to me. All the feelings I thought I had lost. All of it. My mom, Spike. I love my mom. And I can feel it again. And I owe that to you. If I had only taken your advice sooner, maybe things wouldn't have gotten so far out of hand." A few tears slid down her cheek. Spike's face softened as he reached up to brush them away with his thumb. Then, as if remembering himself, he pulled away.
"I'm happy for you, Slayer," Spike said earnestly, if sadly. "I knew if you were just honest with them, things would be better. So what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be having some Scooby celebration?"
"Already had one. Spike, I couldn't just let things lie with us. I had to come and apologize."
"Fine. Like I said, apology accepted. I'm happy that you're happy, luv." Spike sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
"Well, I'm not quite so happy yet, but I can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm hoping it's not just a train!" She chuckled, but Spike was not to be cheered.
Spike nodded. "That's good. I always felt honesty was the best policy. Too much shiftiness and shirtiness only ruins things. You all should take lessons from Anya. That girl is forthright."
"That she is." Buffy shifted a bit. "You're always honest with me, aren't you?"
Spike looked at her curiously, not sure what her tone was implying. "I try..."
Buffy looked around and found a headstone nearby. She sat on it and crossed her arms. "Tell me about the chip."
**
R&R pretty please!
