FRONTLINE INTERVIEWS PRESENTS:
LIFE AT HOGWARTS WITHOUT GILDEROY LOCKHART
Heya! Five here, once again on location at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, trying to find out how everyone's been coping since the loss of their well-respected Dark Arts teacher, the celebrated Gilderoy Lockhart, five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award.
FIVE: So, Professor MacGonagall, what's it been like since the tragic loss of Professor Lockhart?
MACGONAGALL: Tragic? What. . .did he die?
FIVE: Er, no. . .but he's not here anymore.
MACGONAGALL: Come back and tell me when he dies.
FIVE: Will do, professor! So how bout you, Headmaster? How's it been?
DUMBLEDORE: Well, I've been coping. It's been a very traumatizing year for all of us. I myself haven't been able to eat second desserts since he left.
FIVE: That's just awful, sir. You must feel the loss of a good teacher hits very close to home at this time.
DUMBLEDORE: No, I just can't finish my dinner without having to break up fist fights between Severus and the breadrolls.
FIVE: Poor guy must be very depressed. . . or stupid. Moving on! I bet you're not too upset Gilderoy bought the mental farm, eh Professor?
SNAPE: Shut up, I need to find a copy machine and get my resume on Dumbledore's desk by 8 a.m. tomorrow. Do you have any stamps?
FIVE: I believe his office is just upstairs, professor.
SNAPE: The envelope looks better with stamps on it.
FIVE: But what about Professor Lockhart?
SNAPE: Is he a stamp?
FIVE: No.
SNAPE: Come back and tell me when he's a stamp.
FIVE: Right-o, Prof! Let's go check out what the kids think of all this.
----
FIVE: Got any opinions on Professor Lockhart, Ron?
RON: Yeah, but they're all filled with bad words.
HERMIONE: Ron!
FIVE: Hey Hermione, how bout you?
HERMIONE: I think Professor Lockhart's resignation is an especially tragic loss for the school, as he was clearly one of the most qualified Dark Arts teachers we've ever had.
HARRY: But don't say that in front of Snape. He might try to lick you and put you on an envelope.
FIVE: Any word so far on whether Lockhart will be returning to school?
HARRY: Who cares? I hope not. I've got enough to worry about trying to win the Quidditch Cup next year.
FIVE: Aren't you concerned you might not have a teacher for the Dark Arts next year? I heard Lockhart was in a bad way at St. Mungo's, mentally speaking.
HARRY: Is he in such a bad way that he thinks he's a Quidditch Cup?
FIVE: Not that I know of.
HARRY: Come back and tell me when he thinks he's a Quidditch Cup.
FIVE: You betcha, kid! Anything for adorable little british children! Well, look who it is!
LUPIN: Hello there.
FIVE: I bet you're the new teacher Dumbledore signed on for next year.
LUPIN: That's right. . .if by "signed on," you mean he promised me some new shoelaces and a bucket of chicken wings.
FIVE: You're damn straight I do! So do you have any opinions as to the loss of Professor Lockhart?
LUPIN: I hope he stays lost for a good while yet. Maybe I can get a second pair of trousers out of this deal.
FIVE: So. . . no remorse at all for Lockhart?
LUPIN: Is Lockhart a second pair of trousers?
FIVE: Not to my knowledge.
LUPIN: Come back and tell me when he's a second pair of trousers.
FIVE: Will do!
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And there you have it! Hot off the press, the opinions and mournings of Professor Lockhart by several prominent figures at Hogwarts. We'll keep you posted with a follow-up story regarding the situation, just as soon as Professor Lockhart is released from the hospital, or such time as he becomes a stamp, a Quidditch Cup, a second pair of trousers or dead. See ya!
LIFE AT HOGWARTS WITHOUT GILDEROY LOCKHART
Heya! Five here, once again on location at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, trying to find out how everyone's been coping since the loss of their well-respected Dark Arts teacher, the celebrated Gilderoy Lockhart, five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award.
FIVE: So, Professor MacGonagall, what's it been like since the tragic loss of Professor Lockhart?
MACGONAGALL: Tragic? What. . .did he die?
FIVE: Er, no. . .but he's not here anymore.
MACGONAGALL: Come back and tell me when he dies.
FIVE: Will do, professor! So how bout you, Headmaster? How's it been?
DUMBLEDORE: Well, I've been coping. It's been a very traumatizing year for all of us. I myself haven't been able to eat second desserts since he left.
FIVE: That's just awful, sir. You must feel the loss of a good teacher hits very close to home at this time.
DUMBLEDORE: No, I just can't finish my dinner without having to break up fist fights between Severus and the breadrolls.
FIVE: Poor guy must be very depressed. . . or stupid. Moving on! I bet you're not too upset Gilderoy bought the mental farm, eh Professor?
SNAPE: Shut up, I need to find a copy machine and get my resume on Dumbledore's desk by 8 a.m. tomorrow. Do you have any stamps?
FIVE: I believe his office is just upstairs, professor.
SNAPE: The envelope looks better with stamps on it.
FIVE: But what about Professor Lockhart?
SNAPE: Is he a stamp?
FIVE: No.
SNAPE: Come back and tell me when he's a stamp.
FIVE: Right-o, Prof! Let's go check out what the kids think of all this.
----
FIVE: Got any opinions on Professor Lockhart, Ron?
RON: Yeah, but they're all filled with bad words.
HERMIONE: Ron!
FIVE: Hey Hermione, how bout you?
HERMIONE: I think Professor Lockhart's resignation is an especially tragic loss for the school, as he was clearly one of the most qualified Dark Arts teachers we've ever had.
HARRY: But don't say that in front of Snape. He might try to lick you and put you on an envelope.
FIVE: Any word so far on whether Lockhart will be returning to school?
HARRY: Who cares? I hope not. I've got enough to worry about trying to win the Quidditch Cup next year.
FIVE: Aren't you concerned you might not have a teacher for the Dark Arts next year? I heard Lockhart was in a bad way at St. Mungo's, mentally speaking.
HARRY: Is he in such a bad way that he thinks he's a Quidditch Cup?
FIVE: Not that I know of.
HARRY: Come back and tell me when he thinks he's a Quidditch Cup.
FIVE: You betcha, kid! Anything for adorable little british children! Well, look who it is!
LUPIN: Hello there.
FIVE: I bet you're the new teacher Dumbledore signed on for next year.
LUPIN: That's right. . .if by "signed on," you mean he promised me some new shoelaces and a bucket of chicken wings.
FIVE: You're damn straight I do! So do you have any opinions as to the loss of Professor Lockhart?
LUPIN: I hope he stays lost for a good while yet. Maybe I can get a second pair of trousers out of this deal.
FIVE: So. . . no remorse at all for Lockhart?
LUPIN: Is Lockhart a second pair of trousers?
FIVE: Not to my knowledge.
LUPIN: Come back and tell me when he's a second pair of trousers.
FIVE: Will do!
------------
And there you have it! Hot off the press, the opinions and mournings of Professor Lockhart by several prominent figures at Hogwarts. We'll keep you posted with a follow-up story regarding the situation, just as soon as Professor Lockhart is released from the hospital, or such time as he becomes a stamp, a Quidditch Cup, a second pair of trousers or dead. See ya!
