Giles was waiting up for Buffy when she came home. "So, how did things go?"
"Good. Things are good," Buffy said with a genuine smile. Giles was glad to see it.
"Splendid. So Spike harbors no ill will?"
"No, I mean, yeah at first he was majorly mad. But then we talked about...stuff, and he was ok. Good, even."
"Well, I'm glad to hear it. Um, Buffy, I do have a few questions though. I realize if you're uncomfortable discussing it with me, but I'd feel it remiss not to ask..."
"Oh, spit it out, Giles." Buffy sat on the couch next to him.
"Yes, well, it's about your...relationship with Spike. I know that you told us you were just friends. I'm wondering though...well, you seem to regard him differently than before you...left."
Buffy sighed. "Yeah, well, things are different with Spike and I. I barely gave him the time of day before. I basically used him. For information, for muscle...I never respected him. Not like I do now. I can't explain it, Giles. He's different. I mean, maybe he has been different for a long time, but I never bothered to notice. He was always just Spike. The pain in my ass that was useful once in a while. But now...he's not the same guy that tried to kill me in the school...not even the same guy who chained me up in his crypt."
Giles cleared his throat. "And you...have feelings for him now?"
"I care about him, Giles. Like I care about all my friends. I mean, ok, it is a little different than my other friends. He still loves me, I know that. And that's what makes how I treated him today even more terrible. Because he's *never* made an issue of that since I got back. Not once. He was always just there for me. And I felt loved, and it felt so good. And that's when I knew I could use him. And it didn't seem that bad until I saw the look in his eyes when I asked him to...to drain me. And that's when I realized what I had unconsciously known the whole time I'd been back. He's just a man. A man who loves a girl. He's not a monster, Giles, I don't care what anyone says. I don't care what he says. He's not a thing. He's a good person and I'm finally seeing that."
Giles sighed and hung his head. "I was afraid of this. Buffy-"
"Giles, I'm not in love with him or anything. We have a kind of connection, I know. But it's not love. Not on my part anyway. I mean, I know...he's a vampire. He doesn't have a soul. I knew a long time ago I couldn't love someone without a soul. Nothing has changed there. But it doesn't mean he can't be good. He can, I've seen it. I'm not sure exactly what having a soul entails, but I know Spike doesn't need one to be good. As sure as I am that I can't love him, not really. I mean, God, I don't even think of him that way. We're friends. He's been so kind to me and I keep hurting him. That's not the kind of friend I want to be."
"Buffy, I certainly do hope you realize that it would be incredibly unwise to have a relationship with another vampire. A soulless one, at that."
"I know, Giles. Like I said, we're friends. I know a lot is made about souls and stuff. I just think it's a basic emotional thing that is missing in vampires. I mean, Spike can love, but how deeply? And I can really like him, but could I ever love him knowing that he feels no remorse when he hurts someone? Or that he is proud of all the people he killed? Or that there's only one thing standing between him and bloody massacre?"
Giles nodded. "The chip."
Buffy took a deep breath. "Yeah." 'No, not the chip. Me. I'm what is standing between him killing. He doesn't hurt people because *I* wouldn't like it, not because it's wrong. Not because he doesn't like the suffering of others, but because of me. A bit too much responsibility for someone who's just gotten back from the dead, if you don't mind...'
"Buffy?"
"Huh?"
"Well, you were a bit, um...gone for a moment."
"Oh, yeah, sorry. It's just...don't worry, Giles. Like I said, we're friends. I don't love him. I know I can't, even if that was what our relationship is, which it's not. But I stand by what I said, he's good now. Or at least he's working on it."
Giles stood and sighed. "Well, Buffy, we disagree on the 'good' part. I do know that Spike's behavior has changed since he's had the chip and felt he was in love with you. I'm not going to argue with results at this point, but I think it's important to realize that at the core, he hasn't changed. Nothing has happened to him to change his nature. He's still a vampire. He's still soulless. And he's still a predator on a leash. As much as I appreciate and even respect him to a certain degree for overcoming some of his less than savory traits, I think it would be foolhardy to place too much trust in him. Were he to lose his chip right now, I'd put no faith in self control or 'love'. I can't fault him for it, it's just his nature. I agree that his good deeds are all the more impressive because of his vampiric instincts, but it's just behavior, Buffy. It's not a real change in who he is."
"Ok, Giles. It's late. We can just agree to disagree on Spike. But like I said, it's not like you have to worry about getting into another Angel fiasco. That is so not happening here. But I'm also not going to deny that Spike and I are close as friends. I know you respect that, so thank you. And Giles, don't worry, ok!? Just be happy. Everything is going to get back to normal, I'm sure of it!"
Giles gave Buffy a weary smile. "Yes, I am happy, Buffy. Happier than you could know that you're back with us. And I'm thrilled that you are feeling more yourself. And yes, I accept your friendship with Spike. But you understand as your Watcher, I had to be sure..."
"I know, I know. Let's just let it be for now, ok? I'm tired...kind of an eventful day."
"Yes, I'd imagine it was. Good night, Buffy." Giles headed up the stairs.
"Night, Giles." Buffy considered going to bed, but opted instead for some well deserved chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. 'Mmm, cookie dough...why don't people like just dough? Why does it always eventually have to be cookies? There's something to be said for raw cookie dough...' **
Ok, couldn't resist a jab at cookie-dough there! Anyway, it may be a couple days before my next update. Work is very meddlesome in my fun! R&R please!
"Good. Things are good," Buffy said with a genuine smile. Giles was glad to see it.
"Splendid. So Spike harbors no ill will?"
"No, I mean, yeah at first he was majorly mad. But then we talked about...stuff, and he was ok. Good, even."
"Well, I'm glad to hear it. Um, Buffy, I do have a few questions though. I realize if you're uncomfortable discussing it with me, but I'd feel it remiss not to ask..."
"Oh, spit it out, Giles." Buffy sat on the couch next to him.
"Yes, well, it's about your...relationship with Spike. I know that you told us you were just friends. I'm wondering though...well, you seem to regard him differently than before you...left."
Buffy sighed. "Yeah, well, things are different with Spike and I. I barely gave him the time of day before. I basically used him. For information, for muscle...I never respected him. Not like I do now. I can't explain it, Giles. He's different. I mean, maybe he has been different for a long time, but I never bothered to notice. He was always just Spike. The pain in my ass that was useful once in a while. But now...he's not the same guy that tried to kill me in the school...not even the same guy who chained me up in his crypt."
Giles cleared his throat. "And you...have feelings for him now?"
"I care about him, Giles. Like I care about all my friends. I mean, ok, it is a little different than my other friends. He still loves me, I know that. And that's what makes how I treated him today even more terrible. Because he's *never* made an issue of that since I got back. Not once. He was always just there for me. And I felt loved, and it felt so good. And that's when I knew I could use him. And it didn't seem that bad until I saw the look in his eyes when I asked him to...to drain me. And that's when I realized what I had unconsciously known the whole time I'd been back. He's just a man. A man who loves a girl. He's not a monster, Giles, I don't care what anyone says. I don't care what he says. He's not a thing. He's a good person and I'm finally seeing that."
Giles sighed and hung his head. "I was afraid of this. Buffy-"
"Giles, I'm not in love with him or anything. We have a kind of connection, I know. But it's not love. Not on my part anyway. I mean, I know...he's a vampire. He doesn't have a soul. I knew a long time ago I couldn't love someone without a soul. Nothing has changed there. But it doesn't mean he can't be good. He can, I've seen it. I'm not sure exactly what having a soul entails, but I know Spike doesn't need one to be good. As sure as I am that I can't love him, not really. I mean, God, I don't even think of him that way. We're friends. He's been so kind to me and I keep hurting him. That's not the kind of friend I want to be."
"Buffy, I certainly do hope you realize that it would be incredibly unwise to have a relationship with another vampire. A soulless one, at that."
"I know, Giles. Like I said, we're friends. I know a lot is made about souls and stuff. I just think it's a basic emotional thing that is missing in vampires. I mean, Spike can love, but how deeply? And I can really like him, but could I ever love him knowing that he feels no remorse when he hurts someone? Or that he is proud of all the people he killed? Or that there's only one thing standing between him and bloody massacre?"
Giles nodded. "The chip."
Buffy took a deep breath. "Yeah." 'No, not the chip. Me. I'm what is standing between him killing. He doesn't hurt people because *I* wouldn't like it, not because it's wrong. Not because he doesn't like the suffering of others, but because of me. A bit too much responsibility for someone who's just gotten back from the dead, if you don't mind...'
"Buffy?"
"Huh?"
"Well, you were a bit, um...gone for a moment."
"Oh, yeah, sorry. It's just...don't worry, Giles. Like I said, we're friends. I don't love him. I know I can't, even if that was what our relationship is, which it's not. But I stand by what I said, he's good now. Or at least he's working on it."
Giles stood and sighed. "Well, Buffy, we disagree on the 'good' part. I do know that Spike's behavior has changed since he's had the chip and felt he was in love with you. I'm not going to argue with results at this point, but I think it's important to realize that at the core, he hasn't changed. Nothing has happened to him to change his nature. He's still a vampire. He's still soulless. And he's still a predator on a leash. As much as I appreciate and even respect him to a certain degree for overcoming some of his less than savory traits, I think it would be foolhardy to place too much trust in him. Were he to lose his chip right now, I'd put no faith in self control or 'love'. I can't fault him for it, it's just his nature. I agree that his good deeds are all the more impressive because of his vampiric instincts, but it's just behavior, Buffy. It's not a real change in who he is."
"Ok, Giles. It's late. We can just agree to disagree on Spike. But like I said, it's not like you have to worry about getting into another Angel fiasco. That is so not happening here. But I'm also not going to deny that Spike and I are close as friends. I know you respect that, so thank you. And Giles, don't worry, ok!? Just be happy. Everything is going to get back to normal, I'm sure of it!"
Giles gave Buffy a weary smile. "Yes, I am happy, Buffy. Happier than you could know that you're back with us. And I'm thrilled that you are feeling more yourself. And yes, I accept your friendship with Spike. But you understand as your Watcher, I had to be sure..."
"I know, I know. Let's just let it be for now, ok? I'm tired...kind of an eventful day."
"Yes, I'd imagine it was. Good night, Buffy." Giles headed up the stairs.
"Night, Giles." Buffy considered going to bed, but opted instead for some well deserved chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. 'Mmm, cookie dough...why don't people like just dough? Why does it always eventually have to be cookies? There's something to be said for raw cookie dough...' **
Ok, couldn't resist a jab at cookie-dough there! Anyway, it may be a couple days before my next update. Work is very meddlesome in my fun! R&R please!
