Buffy giggled. "What's her name?"

Spike blustered. "I don't know. How should I know? She's not mine.....don't know what to do with her."

Buffy started petting the kitten gently. "Well, don't gamble with her! Ok, you don't know her name.....what do you call her?" Buffy smiled coyly.

"Summer," Spike mumbled, avoiding eye contact.

"Summer? Like, season summer or like Buffy Summer.....s....."

Spike sighed again and sat on his bed. "Oh, bollocks. Alright, I was playin' poker last night. Won, of course. Went to turn in my winnings for cash with this shark I know."

"Loan shark?" Buffy asked

Spike frowned. "Something like that. Anyway, handed 'em all over, but this one kept.....lookin' at me with it's green eyes. And with the blond fur and whatall......dunno, kinda reminded me of you.....couldn't very well let it go off to be some demon's midnight snack, could I? So I kept it.....don't have a bleedin' clue what to do with it, though. Never had a pet." Spike shrugged.

"Wait a minute. You gamble with kittens? How...where...what kind of insane- o poker games do you play?" Buffy looked at him incredulously.

"Trust me, pet. You don't wanna know."

Buffy reached out and traced the scratches on his chest. "Looks like she wasn't all that thrilled to be with you."

Spike looked down, more at her hands touching him than the marks. "Yeah well, like I said, I was trying to sleep. And she wanted to play. So I tossed her off the bed. She came back and let me know she didn't care for that. She's a bit nasty that way. Another way she reminds me of you," he said with a chuckle.

"Spike! You don't throw kitties!" Buffy smacked him lightly on the chest, ignoring his last remark. She deserved it, after all.

"What? I was tryin' to sleep!"

"Good grief. You need some parenting classes or something!"

"Yeah well, she seems to like it here. Well enough, at any rate. Just can't get her to settle down while I'm sleepin'. Can't figure it, cats are creatures of the night too. I guess, like you, she makes her own rules. I mean, a Slayer who doesn't slay....."

Buffy sat on the bed next to him. "I actually came by to thank you for patrolling for me. Giles didn't tell me he asked you, but I kinda figured it out."

"No problem, luv. You know I'm always up for a scrap. And it's not like I haven't been doing it long enough anyway."

"I know." Buffy looked away from him, seeming a bit distracted.

"What's on your mind, pet?"

Buffy shrugged. "It's silly....."

Spike held up the still-purring kitten. "Silly as a vampire having a cat?"

Buffy smiled. "It's really just.....ok, this is going to sound dumb, but.....how come you haven't come by? I mean, I thought we were.....all ok and everything. After that whole.....mess."

Spike cocked his head and looked at her quizzically. "We *are* ok, pet. What makes you think we're not? I mean, I didn't come by because well.....I knew you were alright, with your friends and whatnot. And I kinda figured if you wanted to see me, you'd come find me. Wasn't sure I was welcome anyway." Spike looked a bit sheepish.

"What? Why would you not be welcome? You've always been welcome at my house! Ok, not always, but you have been for a long time anyway."

Spike put the now sleeping kitten down on the bed gently. He got up and ran his hands through his hair. He sighed and started pacing. "Look, I kind of figured, once you were getting back to normal, that that was it for you and me. Being friendly, at any rate. Things would go back to how they were before. You have the Scoobies for everything now, and I'm here whenever you need a favor or something. Like the old days. And then when Giles came by to ask me to patrol for you, I figured 'Gee, I don't even warrant the Slayer herself asking me anymore.' So I just thought I'd stay away, try and get used to how things used to be. Didn't think you needed or wanted me around any more. At least not for anything more than patrolling while you're getting up to speed again. And if that's how things are, that's fine. I just need to know that, ok? I think I deserve at least that." Spike was by now looking Buffy with his hands on his hips.

"Calm down already. You know, I kind of figured that you knew me a little by now. You actually think I could go back to the way things were? After everything that happened between us? That I could go back to using you? Spike, I don't know what you think is between us, but I'll tell you what I think." Buffy moved to where he was standing, his defensiveness fading. She reached up and caressed his face gently. "I think that you and I have a wonderful opportunity here. We have the chance to be friends. Good friends. Spike, I can't explain to you how important you have been to me since I got back. You were literally my life line. The only decent thing in my life. You made me happy. Happier than I would have been without you, at any rate."

"Not happy enough to want to stay, though," Spike whispered.

"The way I was.....the void I felt most of the time.....nothing could have made me happy enough to want to live with that. I couldn't exactly be around you 24-7, and in the long run that wouldn't have helped anyway. I had a serious.....malfunction. Something essential within me was missing or blocked, or whatever. Something even you couldn't help with. No one could. I really believe my friends finding out about what I went through.....I think that was the turning point. And I wouldn't have made it there without you. Spike, I probably would have slit my wrists the first night back if you hadn't been there with me. Or one of the subsequent nights. But you were always there when I needed you. And the little happiness I had, was you. I can't thank you enough for that."

Spike wrapped his arms around her. "Pet, you don't ever have to thank me. I was just doing what felt right. Trying to make you happy, because I saw that you were so miserable."

Buffy laid her head on his chest, her hands clutching tightly to his back. "The way you made me feel.....alive.....I can't explain it. I felt so dead then. So lost. But being with you....." Buffy looked up at him, looked into his soft, warm eyes. "Spike, I never felt so alive, so loved as when......when you kissed me and looked at me like I was the only thing in the universe that mattered.....when you were going to make love to me. And I almost just gave up the idea of having you bite me. Because I thought if just having you look at me and kiss me made me feel so whole and real.....making love might truly bring me back to life. But I knew.....I knew that no matter what I was feeling right then, it wouldn't last. It would only make the other times in my life feel that much more horrible. And I couldn't imagine that it could get any worse than it had been." Buffy buried her head in his chest again. "And now I wonder.....now that I feel happy again, what would it feel like.....to be with you.....because I still see it in your eyes. You love me. And I can feel it. It's so nice to be able to feel someone else's love for me. I could feel yours before, but now.....it's just so much more."

Spike took a deep breath. "What are you saying, luv?" He wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer, in case he had totally taken everything very wrong.

Buffy pulled back from him, seemingly remembering herself. She shook her head. "I don't know. I don't know what I mean. I'm just rambling, I think. It's late. You were going out to patrol. I should leave you to it." She began to leave quickly. Spike grabbed her arm.

"Now hold on just a minute-" He could see the confusion and anguish in her eyes. He decided not to make it worse. He sighed. "Be careful, pet. You ok to walk alone? You want me to go with?"

Buffy shook her head, a look of relief washing over her face. "No, I'll be fine. But thanks.....for everything." 'And thank you for not pushing me on something that I had no idea was an issue until I was with you again, seeing what you feel in your eyes. Feeling the warmth inside that I didn't notice I only felt when you were around.....'

Spike nodded as she left. As he listened for the crypt door closing, he felt a very urgent need to kill something in a very brutal fashion. Frustration and Buffy seemed to go hand in hand, and was usually a very good catalyst for violence. The kitten stretched out on his bed did nothing to soothe his mood, but he did spare her a scratch behind the ears before he grabbed for his battle ax. Tonight was going to be bloody.

**

R&R pretty please!