After a sufficient amount of killing(or after he had killed every demon in
sight) Spike was no less frustrated. 'She thinks she can just do that! Just
say those things then leave like nothing happened. God, she's infuriating.'
Spike knew he would not be able to think, eat, or rest until he had this
out with Buffy. Going against the little voice in his head that told him
his actions would only hurt her, cause more trouble, and generally be
negative, he stomped off with his head full of steam for Buffy's house.
Once in her yard, he threw his battle ax hard into the ground. He deftly climbed his favorite tree and quietly jumped to the eave below her window. She saw him immediately, as she hadn't managed to fall asleep in the 3 hours that she had been lying in bed. She got up immediately and threw open the window.
"What are you doing here? Is something wrong?" She said in a hushed voice, not wanting to wake Giles in the next room.
Spike climbed in uninvited and started pacing. Buffy could tell this wouldn't be good. She raised a finger to her lips. He took the cue and started in an aggressive, but quiet tone, "Look, I know you've been through a lot and I should cut you some slack. But you can't just come to my home and tell me all those things and then expect me not to react. I mean, patience and a level head are not exactly in my repertoire. So.....so what do you want me to do now? How am I supposed to.....to deal with what you said? Do you have any idea what that did to me? You must! You know that I love you.....I just.....I just want to know what's going on, is all. Can you tell me that much?"
Buffy sighed. She knew she owed him the truth. As soon as she figured it out for herself, he'd be the second to know. She sat on her bed, nodding for him to join her. Her gesture calmed him a bit. He took a deep breath and sat next to her on the bed. She started, not looking at him, "I know this isn't fair to you. I know you deserve to know everything that's going on with me.....in regards to you. But the plain and simple truth is: I don't know. For all I knew when I left the house tonight to see you, we were just friends. I was going to thank my friend for patrolling for me and find out why he never came and visited me. I was kinda thinking you could come through the door, though." Spike wasn't amused. "Right.....anyway.....when I saw you.....it wasn't just 'my friend Spike'. It was.....Spike." He turned to look at her when he heard her voice soften at his name. She was looking straight ahead, knowing she wouldn't be able to compose any thoughts if she had to look into his eyes. "And, not 'Spike' as in 'that cocky, pain in the ass that stalks me' but 'Spike' as in.....I don't know......Spike." There again, the soft whispery voice saying his name. She sighed again. "I don't know. I really don't. All I do know is how I feel when I'm around you.....it's good. I feel good and loved and a little scared, because I don't know what it all means. I know you're my friend, but not like Xander is my friend. Because I don't feel this.....warm inside when he's around. He doesn't make my heart tighten and my skin dance when I hug him. And I've never kissed him, but I'm pretty sure that if I did, my body wouldn't feel alive with energy and.....other things.....But I know it's all wrong because you're Spike and I'm Buffy. Vampire and Slayer, two very un-mixy things. And then I wonder how it can be so wrong when it......"
Spike chuckled, "Feels so right? A bit cliche, but I know what you mean, I think." Spike turned so he was facing her fully. She still refused to look at him. "So, where does this put us?"
Buffy shrugged. "That's just the thing, I don't know. I *do* know that I want us to be friends. And I don't think we can be friends if I keep feeling this way when you're around."
Spike smiled, then brushed a few strands of hair over her shoulder, baring her neck. "So what do you suggest?" His voice was low and smooth.
"Stop it! Don't do that!" Buffy brushed his hand away from her and jumped from the bed.
"Don't do what, pet?" Spike looked the picture of innocence sitting on her bed.
"You know what. I can't...*we* can't be like this. Friends, Spike. I want to be friends with you. I can't help it that other parts of me want more. I'm going to use my head for once."
Spike sighed and laid back on her bed. "Slayer, you *always* use your head. That's your bleedin' problem. For once, maybe you should follow the other parts of you."
Buffy had to banish the voice in her head that was telling her how good he looked stretched out on her bed. And how much better he would look with a bit less clothes. "No, no, this is not happening. We're going to be friends, and I'm going to ignore whatever else is going on. I'm sorry, I know you want more, Spike. But I don't. This...can't happen."
Spike had grabbed her and pulled her down on top of him before she could even register his movements. "You *do* want more, Slayer. You know it. You want it with your whole body. Nothing wrong with that. I love you, pet. I want you, you want me. I fail to see the problem." Spike raised his head and started kissing her neck.
It took a moment for Buffy to regain the power of speech. "I, uh...can't...Stop, Spike."
Spike smiled as he lavished her neck, "I can't stop either, pet."
Buffy shook her head, "No, I mean, stop. You have to...stop."
Spike spun her fast so that he was on top of her. "Buffy, how miserable have you been lately? You told me yourself you wondered what it would feel like to be with me now. Do you think it would feel good?"
Buffy nodded.
"Would it make you happy, to be with me? For me to make love to you?"
Buffy swallowed hard and nodded again. Spike smiled, but not a cocky smile. He beamed with all the love he had for her.
"I want to make you happy, pet. I want to make you feel good." Spike started kissing her neck again, caressing her shoulder with the hand not holding himself up.
Buffy closed her eyes and shook her head again. Spike pulled back. "Spike, it would just be me using you again. No different than last year. No different than a few days ago. I don't...it's not love. It's comfort."
Spike nodded. "So it is. It's two people making each other feel good. What's wrong with that? I'm not asking you to love me, pet. I wouldn't ever presume that. Not saying I don't want it or wouldn't like it, but I don't imagine you would love me. And if I'm offering, it's not using. I'm not asking for love or marriage or any of that rot. Just for the chance to make you happy, in a non-biting way this time."
"But, it's not sex that I want. Or, I mean...maybe not *just* sex. I feel good when I'm with you. I like talking to you. It feels like you 'get' me most of the time. I want to be friends, Spike. I don't want our relationship to devolve into lustiness."
"I wasn't suggesting we just shag and that's it. Not what I want either, pet. Look, bottom line is, making you happy makes me happy. So whatever it is you want or need from me, I'm more than willing to give. And if that ends up just being friends, with no 'lustiness' involved, I'm ok with that. Well, I'll learn to deal, at any rate."
Buffy pushed Spike off gently and sat up. Spike sighed and sat up also. "I want to get to know you better. I want to become friends before anything else happens. *If* anything else happens. And well..." Buffy leaned over and gave Spike a tentative kiss. Then a more confident one. At first he was a bit taken aback, but quickly went with the flow. She ran her hands over his chest, while his found their way to her hair, holding her face to his. After a few moments, when she was in need of air, she pushed him away. She almost laughed at the way his eyes twinkled and glazed at the same time. "Ok, so definite lustiness present. Just had to check and be sure, ya know..."
Spike stared at her, reluctantly releasing his hands from her hair. "Uh huh. You wanna check some more? In case we missed something?"
Buffy laughed. She stood up and walked over to her closet. "No, I think that was pretty definitive. And I think further checking would only lead to Giles waking up." She returned to him with his duster. "Here. I meant to give it to you earlier, but I forgot. Your journal's in the pocket."
Spike took it from her. He stood up and slipped it on. He pulled up the front and sniffed it. He smiled, it smelled of her. He took the journal out of the pocket and considered it for a moment. He handed it to her. "Here. You want to know more about me? This will probably tell as much as anything. I know a bit of how you felt when you were in heaven. Now you can know how I felt. Half of it is drunken scribblings, but as I recall, mostly accurate. Maybe you can...I don't know, see how I feel about you. How I've always felt."
Buffy took the journal and smiled. "If it's half as much as I see in your eyes, I don't think I can bear it." Spike smiled. "Oh God, I said that out loud, didn't I?"
"'S ok, pet. Wait til you read some of the stuff I wrote in there...makes anything you could even *think* pale in comparison, I promise you."
Buffy smiled and set the book on her bed. "Well, I can't sleep anyway, it should make for some interesting reading. Now you go. Shoo." She pointed to the window.
Spike pouted. "Don't I get a good night kiss?"
"What? No! Well, ok, just a little one." She reached up and gave him a chaste little kiss on the cheek.
Spike growled and grabbed her. He dipped her low and caught her lips in a fierce kiss. When he stood her back up straight, he had to steady her a bit as her legs weren't quite working. He smirked a bit and gave a little salute as he headed out the window.
When her brain started working again, Buffy called quietly out to Spike. He looked up at her from her yard. "You know, I really need to start patrolling again. Maybe I'll tag along with you tomorrow night. I might be hanging around your crypt around 10:30 if you're interested.."
Spike smiled up at her. "It's a date then."
Buffy laughed. "Yeah, a date to kill things."
"My favorite kind! And if I'm late, you can blame my other girl. Keeps me up late. Can't get enough of me. She's an animal, ya know."
Buffy smiled. "So I've heard...G'night, Spike."
"Night, Buffy."
Buffy noticed the warmth she felt since he had arrived 'spike' when he said her name. It lingered for a while. Just long enough for her to fall into contented, dream-filled sleep.
**
R&R!
Once in her yard, he threw his battle ax hard into the ground. He deftly climbed his favorite tree and quietly jumped to the eave below her window. She saw him immediately, as she hadn't managed to fall asleep in the 3 hours that she had been lying in bed. She got up immediately and threw open the window.
"What are you doing here? Is something wrong?" She said in a hushed voice, not wanting to wake Giles in the next room.
Spike climbed in uninvited and started pacing. Buffy could tell this wouldn't be good. She raised a finger to her lips. He took the cue and started in an aggressive, but quiet tone, "Look, I know you've been through a lot and I should cut you some slack. But you can't just come to my home and tell me all those things and then expect me not to react. I mean, patience and a level head are not exactly in my repertoire. So.....so what do you want me to do now? How am I supposed to.....to deal with what you said? Do you have any idea what that did to me? You must! You know that I love you.....I just.....I just want to know what's going on, is all. Can you tell me that much?"
Buffy sighed. She knew she owed him the truth. As soon as she figured it out for herself, he'd be the second to know. She sat on her bed, nodding for him to join her. Her gesture calmed him a bit. He took a deep breath and sat next to her on the bed. She started, not looking at him, "I know this isn't fair to you. I know you deserve to know everything that's going on with me.....in regards to you. But the plain and simple truth is: I don't know. For all I knew when I left the house tonight to see you, we were just friends. I was going to thank my friend for patrolling for me and find out why he never came and visited me. I was kinda thinking you could come through the door, though." Spike wasn't amused. "Right.....anyway.....when I saw you.....it wasn't just 'my friend Spike'. It was.....Spike." He turned to look at her when he heard her voice soften at his name. She was looking straight ahead, knowing she wouldn't be able to compose any thoughts if she had to look into his eyes. "And, not 'Spike' as in 'that cocky, pain in the ass that stalks me' but 'Spike' as in.....I don't know......Spike." There again, the soft whispery voice saying his name. She sighed again. "I don't know. I really don't. All I do know is how I feel when I'm around you.....it's good. I feel good and loved and a little scared, because I don't know what it all means. I know you're my friend, but not like Xander is my friend. Because I don't feel this.....warm inside when he's around. He doesn't make my heart tighten and my skin dance when I hug him. And I've never kissed him, but I'm pretty sure that if I did, my body wouldn't feel alive with energy and.....other things.....But I know it's all wrong because you're Spike and I'm Buffy. Vampire and Slayer, two very un-mixy things. And then I wonder how it can be so wrong when it......"
Spike chuckled, "Feels so right? A bit cliche, but I know what you mean, I think." Spike turned so he was facing her fully. She still refused to look at him. "So, where does this put us?"
Buffy shrugged. "That's just the thing, I don't know. I *do* know that I want us to be friends. And I don't think we can be friends if I keep feeling this way when you're around."
Spike smiled, then brushed a few strands of hair over her shoulder, baring her neck. "So what do you suggest?" His voice was low and smooth.
"Stop it! Don't do that!" Buffy brushed his hand away from her and jumped from the bed.
"Don't do what, pet?" Spike looked the picture of innocence sitting on her bed.
"You know what. I can't...*we* can't be like this. Friends, Spike. I want to be friends with you. I can't help it that other parts of me want more. I'm going to use my head for once."
Spike sighed and laid back on her bed. "Slayer, you *always* use your head. That's your bleedin' problem. For once, maybe you should follow the other parts of you."
Buffy had to banish the voice in her head that was telling her how good he looked stretched out on her bed. And how much better he would look with a bit less clothes. "No, no, this is not happening. We're going to be friends, and I'm going to ignore whatever else is going on. I'm sorry, I know you want more, Spike. But I don't. This...can't happen."
Spike had grabbed her and pulled her down on top of him before she could even register his movements. "You *do* want more, Slayer. You know it. You want it with your whole body. Nothing wrong with that. I love you, pet. I want you, you want me. I fail to see the problem." Spike raised his head and started kissing her neck.
It took a moment for Buffy to regain the power of speech. "I, uh...can't...Stop, Spike."
Spike smiled as he lavished her neck, "I can't stop either, pet."
Buffy shook her head, "No, I mean, stop. You have to...stop."
Spike spun her fast so that he was on top of her. "Buffy, how miserable have you been lately? You told me yourself you wondered what it would feel like to be with me now. Do you think it would feel good?"
Buffy nodded.
"Would it make you happy, to be with me? For me to make love to you?"
Buffy swallowed hard and nodded again. Spike smiled, but not a cocky smile. He beamed with all the love he had for her.
"I want to make you happy, pet. I want to make you feel good." Spike started kissing her neck again, caressing her shoulder with the hand not holding himself up.
Buffy closed her eyes and shook her head again. Spike pulled back. "Spike, it would just be me using you again. No different than last year. No different than a few days ago. I don't...it's not love. It's comfort."
Spike nodded. "So it is. It's two people making each other feel good. What's wrong with that? I'm not asking you to love me, pet. I wouldn't ever presume that. Not saying I don't want it or wouldn't like it, but I don't imagine you would love me. And if I'm offering, it's not using. I'm not asking for love or marriage or any of that rot. Just for the chance to make you happy, in a non-biting way this time."
"But, it's not sex that I want. Or, I mean...maybe not *just* sex. I feel good when I'm with you. I like talking to you. It feels like you 'get' me most of the time. I want to be friends, Spike. I don't want our relationship to devolve into lustiness."
"I wasn't suggesting we just shag and that's it. Not what I want either, pet. Look, bottom line is, making you happy makes me happy. So whatever it is you want or need from me, I'm more than willing to give. And if that ends up just being friends, with no 'lustiness' involved, I'm ok with that. Well, I'll learn to deal, at any rate."
Buffy pushed Spike off gently and sat up. Spike sighed and sat up also. "I want to get to know you better. I want to become friends before anything else happens. *If* anything else happens. And well..." Buffy leaned over and gave Spike a tentative kiss. Then a more confident one. At first he was a bit taken aback, but quickly went with the flow. She ran her hands over his chest, while his found their way to her hair, holding her face to his. After a few moments, when she was in need of air, she pushed him away. She almost laughed at the way his eyes twinkled and glazed at the same time. "Ok, so definite lustiness present. Just had to check and be sure, ya know..."
Spike stared at her, reluctantly releasing his hands from her hair. "Uh huh. You wanna check some more? In case we missed something?"
Buffy laughed. She stood up and walked over to her closet. "No, I think that was pretty definitive. And I think further checking would only lead to Giles waking up." She returned to him with his duster. "Here. I meant to give it to you earlier, but I forgot. Your journal's in the pocket."
Spike took it from her. He stood up and slipped it on. He pulled up the front and sniffed it. He smiled, it smelled of her. He took the journal out of the pocket and considered it for a moment. He handed it to her. "Here. You want to know more about me? This will probably tell as much as anything. I know a bit of how you felt when you were in heaven. Now you can know how I felt. Half of it is drunken scribblings, but as I recall, mostly accurate. Maybe you can...I don't know, see how I feel about you. How I've always felt."
Buffy took the journal and smiled. "If it's half as much as I see in your eyes, I don't think I can bear it." Spike smiled. "Oh God, I said that out loud, didn't I?"
"'S ok, pet. Wait til you read some of the stuff I wrote in there...makes anything you could even *think* pale in comparison, I promise you."
Buffy smiled and set the book on her bed. "Well, I can't sleep anyway, it should make for some interesting reading. Now you go. Shoo." She pointed to the window.
Spike pouted. "Don't I get a good night kiss?"
"What? No! Well, ok, just a little one." She reached up and gave him a chaste little kiss on the cheek.
Spike growled and grabbed her. He dipped her low and caught her lips in a fierce kiss. When he stood her back up straight, he had to steady her a bit as her legs weren't quite working. He smirked a bit and gave a little salute as he headed out the window.
When her brain started working again, Buffy called quietly out to Spike. He looked up at her from her yard. "You know, I really need to start patrolling again. Maybe I'll tag along with you tomorrow night. I might be hanging around your crypt around 10:30 if you're interested.."
Spike smiled up at her. "It's a date then."
Buffy laughed. "Yeah, a date to kill things."
"My favorite kind! And if I'm late, you can blame my other girl. Keeps me up late. Can't get enough of me. She's an animal, ya know."
Buffy smiled. "So I've heard...G'night, Spike."
"Night, Buffy."
Buffy noticed the warmth she felt since he had arrived 'spike' when he said her name. It lingered for a while. Just long enough for her to fall into contented, dream-filled sleep.
**
R&R!
