Foreword: this is the episode in which you will hear the ballad of big big Pete. But looking over my notes I realize that it is difficult to tell the song from the story so the song will be in bold print. Also this story jumps time a little bit, okay a lot. It starts in the morning and ends at night but the middle of the day has disappeared. I don't know why. I only write this thing to fill in a gap that could otherwise be devoted to senior high school assignments *shudder*.
**Story starts here**
"A good old fashioned drinking contest, that'll perk you up some."
"No thanks, Steve. I'm fine." Molly looked him up and down, 'how can you drink now, its eight o clock in the morning.' (Austin has already downed a full four and a half pints of bourbon and is still going strong.)
"Look girl! I'm telling you just a shot of this stuff and your whole world will look better, a lot better."
Triple H, the Rock and the Undertaker were laughing at Austin, he had drunken himself while talking to Molly, and he was starting to scare her. Kurt was mortified.
The other's were down stairs, they were all pretty hammered too! Lita was the only exception.
"Jeff, are you all right? You don't look so well!" Jeff looked like death. He was pale, was rocking back and forth and was perspiring heavily. His eyes were starting to glaze. Matt was starting to get worried and (being blind drunk like everyone else) was on his knees in front of his younger brother speaking slowly and clearly into his kneecap. "Can you hear me, Jeff?"
Edge walked in with another bottle of vodka, more salt and lemon.
"Hello my little rays of sunshine, drinky, drinky!" he shook the bottle from side to side towards them. Jeff couldn't hack anymore. He ran upstairs. The older guys heard him coughing and finally vomiting. Triple H was sent downstairs to find out what the hell they were drinking. He didn't come back. Instead Randy came up to check on Jeff. Jeff had crawled to his bedroom, into bed to sleep off the partial drunkenness and nausea. He looked asleep but greeted Randy as he entered with "you're too late, tooth fairy!"
Randy groaned and walked into the room that contained the older guys.
The Rock and Austin in a heated battle, Taker watching on. Muscles bulging, tension mounting, blood temperature raised to boiling point.
"So how long have they been arm wrestling?"
" 'Bout 15 seconds, give or take." The tattooed man was highly amused by the ruckus. Rock and Austin bathed in sweat, Molly and Kurt making out in a corner and Jeff once again puking his guts up. After drinking everyone else (except Lita) under the table, Edge walked up the stairs humming, "oh Canada."
(Note from Madame: alcohol tolerance is a wonderful thing.) He paused outside the bathroom. "Jeff? Dude? You all right?"
Terrified cries answered him. "Edge, dude? Keep speaking I can barely hear you and I think I'm losin sight."
Edge heard the toilet flush
"I can't see! Edge? Edge?"
Edge panicked busting down the door and almost falling over Jeff's prone body on the ground on front of the toilet. Edge ran a hand through his hair in desperation.
"Oh god! I'm too late." He shut his eyes to keep the tears from flowing freely.
"Adam?" In his mind Edge could still hear his friends voice calling his real name. "Adam, dude?"
Edge's eyes shot open. Jeff has his head over the toilet bowl and seemed to be searching for something. "Adam, dude?"
Edge leant over Jeff until his reflection could be clearly seen. Jeff was very relieved to see the blonde Adonis.
"Edge dude? … I thought I'd lost you man!" It dawned on Edge. Jeff was so drunk and dehydrated that he was hallucinating and believed him to have been flushed to oblivion. Edge relaxed and moved backwards, "Edge? Man, I've lost you again!" Jeff was panicking. Edge reached forward to his friends shoulder, "dude I'm right here!"
{Stop everything here! Quick recount: downstairs we have Triple H, Raven, Maven, Matt and Lita and they're all relatively blind drunk. In the bathroom Edge and Jeff and they're relatively sober. In room 'better' Taker, Rock, Austin, Angle, Molly and Randy. Now that we all know where we stand, lets continue. }
Edge took Jeff's shoulders in his hands. Jeff believed his friend to be in the toilet so being grabbed from behind not only confused him but also scared the living daylights out of him too.
"Argh!" Jeff yelled flinging his head back until it landed with a sickening thud in Edge's crotch. Edge leapt up shrieking in pain and surprise hitting his own head against the low ceiling, cracking the plaster and scaring Jeff even more. Edge landed on the floor on his ass, Jeff was facing him also sitting. Each looked at the state the other was in and started to laugh. Jeff was wide-eyed and pale and covered in dust. Edge was coated in plaster and white powder. A dead pigeon had been knocked loose. It landed between the merry duo.
"Argh!" Jeff and Edge yelled in unison. The pigeon was covered in the white powder and dust, which caught the light giving it a eerie glow and aura. One eye was missing leaving a dark crevasse in the soft tissue, the other eye was rolling, dripping down the beak the warm air in the bathroom thawing it from the near freezing corpse.
Jeff picked it up and threw it at Edge. Edge ducked and the dead pigeon flew into 'better.' There was silence, then a scream, a high pitched, blood curdling, girlie scream. It came from one of the figures in the corner, the one with the shiny gold medals?
"Grow up, Kurt. It's just a pigeon." Molly scolded picking it up by the leg and flinging it effortlessly onto the table upon which Austin and the Rock were arm wrestling and over which the Undertaker and Randy were conversing. Austin leapt from the table yelling all manner of profanities, while the Rock dove backwards under a bed landing on the floor amidst Triple H's porn collection. Randy saw the fear imprinted on everyone's faces and stepped forward but he wasn't quick enough. Molly snatched the bird and threw it at the Undertaker who threw it at Austin who threw it at Kurt (this is tiring or I am lazy so I'm just going to write the order in which the pigeon hits everyone). Taker, Randy, Rock, Austin, Taker, Kurt, Molly, Kurt, Taker, Rock.
The Rock threw the dead feathery object out of the door. It bounced off a wall and hit the banisters, down the stairs, ricochet of a skirting board down the other stairs, rebounded off a chair in the dining room through the kitchen doorway picking up speed on the way to slide gently along the kitchen floor. Stopping right in front of Lita.
"AAAAARGH! …Rat!" Lita had jumped onto the kitchen counter and said the first thing that came to mind. When she realized that it wasn't a rat she got down. On hearing Lita scream (quite a rarity) Matt, Raven, Maven and Triple H had all looked up from the floor where they were kneeling and playing some sort of parlor game, ready to casually wander over and do the manly thing and rescue the 'damsel in distress' if need arose. Lita had other plans. She booted the dead pigeon into the midst of the merriness. All the big strong manly men vaulted over the tiny corpse and landed safely on the counter that Lita had been on a second earlier. The massive thump of 4 oversized bodies hitting the counter had alerted everyone upstairs and they bounded down the stairs in the stampede to end all stampedes. Austin in the lead, followed closely by Rock and Taker. Jeff, Edge and Randy just behind with Molly and Kurt bringing up the rear. All thundered into the kitchen and froze except Molly, she ran straight into the back of Kurt and it was human dominoes from there. Austin landed his face inches from liquidifying carcass. Lita surveyed the chaotic scene, Matt, Raven, Maven and Triple H almost in pyramid form trying to be the furtherest from the pigeon now well and truly deceased. Austin lying motionless just barely breathing and pale. Plastered between the kitchen door and Austin, huddled together in a sort of a splat, Rock, Taker, Jeff, Edge and Randy. Lita and Molly's eyes locked. 'How odd that seeing the guys so scared of a dead pigeon, Molly and I should unite.' Lita stepped forward so that the pigeon's corpse was between her feet. Austin slowly looked up, Lita had about-faced and now had her back to him. She bent over stuck her butt into the air, grabbed the pigeon in one hand and steadied herself with the other, "Molly?" she said through her own legs, "let's play ball." Molly readied herself for the shot. The men cowered but Matt stood brave and tall.
"Now Lita we don't want anyone to get hurt, namely you, just put the pigeon down!"
"Hut, hut, hut."
The feathered carcass flew out of her hands, over Matt's head and into Molly's waiting hands. The mood had shifted and the guys tried to pissbolt into the yard in full view of the cameras to stop the madness, the pigeon soared overhead forcing them to stop and tremble before the feminine fury.
Again Lita threw the pigeon over the heads of the petrified bunch. A crash of thunder made everyone jump. Rain was pelting down outside. Kurt got to his feet and laughed at the unease caused by the storm. "This is nothing guys when I went to military camp, they made you do push ups in the mud when it was raining like this." Molly chucked the pigeon to Lita and hugged Kurt.
"I'm glad I got the tough, brave one." She smirked across the kitchen.
Lita ignored it. "Kurt you really do walk into these things don't you." It was a statement not a question. Lita opened the back door and tossed the pigeon into the rain. Kurt let go of Molly and stood in the doorway with his back to the red-haired diva. "No, there is no way in heck, you'll get me out…"
(Note from Madame: did that sound like a challenge to you?)
Austin clapped a hand over Molly's mouth to quiet her as Lita backed up. She speared Kurt as he turned around both of them landing outside in the rain, only Kurt hitting the mud. Face first. The dead pigeon forgotten, the rowdy group ran into the backyard and surrounded Kurt. Kurt was still on the ground, Lita was sitting Kurt's back taunting him, "come on Kurt."
"You said you used to do push ups in these conditions!" Molly was determined to prove that her man was superior to Lita's. Lita could see what was unfolding.
Kurt up at Molly, he looked guilty. "I never did it, I sat on the bench. I had a note from matron."
Molly scowled at him and pushed Matt into the mud beside Kurt. Lita noticed Molly going pink in the poor light of the yard.
"Hey Molly?" Lita got off Kurt's back, "I bet the cleaning and cooking roster that me and Matt can do more push ups that you and Kurt, what do you say?"
"You're on! She's a crappy cook." laughed Triple H pushing Molly into the mud and gesturing to Lita. "Any time you're ready."
Jeff started whispering to his posse (Randy, Maven and Edge). They nodded eagerly. "Lita, do you want army style music?" Now everyone knew what they had in mind and repeated after him when Jeff put a serious look on his face and began to yell.
(Note from Madame: this is the ballad of big big Pete, feel free to spread it around compliments of 1st platabeen light brigade [they are scouts that like fire].)
There was a girl called Mary Anne!
There was a girl called Mary Anne!
No good man could tie her down!
Stone cold went back into the house.
No good man could tie her down!
He re-emerged with a 6-pack of beer.
Down the road walked big big Pete!
Austin planted him self on angles back comfortably and proceeded to drink his beer.
Down the road walked big big Pete!
With 40lbs of hanging meat!
With 40lbs of hanging meat!
Molly was doing well at the moment she was beating everybody, that is until Triple H decided that this was not to be so.
Laid her in the soft, soft grass!
He planted a big, broad foot between Molly's shoulder blades and pushed her to the ground every time she pushed up.
Laid he in the soft, soft grass!
Shoved his c*ck right up her ass!
Matt and Lita were now winning
Shoved his c*ck right up her ass!
Jeff was struggling to get his words out.
Mary let out a big big fart!
He wasn't the only one.
Mary let out a big big fart!
Blew poor Pete's balls right apart!
Kurt was struggling to get up.
Blew poor Pete's balls right apart!
Finally he just lay down in the mud exhausted, Lita and Matt competing the pushups with ease.
Down the road walks big big Pete!
Down the road walks big big Pete!
Triple H was taunting Molly, "don't let me stop you."
With 40lbs of shredded meat!
Eventually she gave up too.
With 40lbs of shredded meat!
Poor big big Pete!
Poor big big Pete!
Now everyone trooped inside cold and hungry and still slightly intoxicated.
After dinner (time jump) apologies were said and friendships rebuilt, Taker cautioned everyone before bed.
"Not one peep!" he looked at Jeff and his posse. They nodded. He turned away.
"PEEP! PEEP!" they shouted as they pissbolted up the stairs with the Taker in hot pursuit,
"PEEP!"
