14. Second hand emotion

It took only one, or was it two, weeks until we became one of the most popular boys in Hogwarts, everyone off us with our own little trait. Expect maybe chubby little Peter, but still he was one of us and never to be left out.

Sirius and James had made me come out of my well build up walls, and whenever we spent our time all together ranting over the next prank, lesson or just the current homework, I felt somehow normal. Still I had to hide the part of the wolf in me, which still came every month out to play. I still made up the most various excuses, still the most used was the one that I had to go and see my ill mother.

However sometimes when I came back from a full moon, I would find Sirius sitting in the common room waiting for me even when everybody would have already gone to bed. I wondered if he really knew what was wrong, that thought scared me every month again. Just like the nightmares which became more horrid during the growing moon, nightmares in which the wolf mauls his best friends into small shreds so that at the end all fit in matchbox.

The same occasion occurred also tonight, as I had just come back from the infirmary late in the evening. As I entered the common room only the light from the fireplace illuminated the room and in front of it was sitting Sirius wearing a worried expression while he somehow still produced a small smile.

I smiled back at him going over to my friend to sit down next to him. Of course I still felt drained from the transformation which had only been the night before, but I always was up for some talking now especially with Sirius.

Sirius a bright shining star up in the sky, the young boy sitting next to me with his short black hair and with those mysteriously dark brown eyes. He always knew how to lighten up the mood or to threaten the Slytherins, in particular Severus Snape. Still when we four (James, Sirius, Peter and me) were all together, Sirius and James stuck mostly together. As far as I knew Sirius and James already knew each other since childhood so no wonder they had such a good friendship between them.

"Is your mother better again?" Sirius asked and I could hear there was somewhere a tone of disbelief. I shook my head, as I knew that my head would only let jumbled and senseless words out now.

I wondered how it had to have a real mother who cared for you, as I couldn't remember how it was anymore with my mother. She had never been totally warm towards me and nowadays I understood why, still I wished that she were sometimes still there so the family would be complete but I knew that would never work.

"Remus can I ask you something?" Sirius looked at me this time concerned and I just nodded turning my gaze away from him.

Had they found out my well-kept secret? Would they now hate and loathe me for what I was? A werewolf, a beast, something like me that didn't deserve any friends neither should be aloud then to even attend Hogwarts.

Several minutes of silence passed between us and a small yawn escaped my lips. I leaned back against the couch and closed my eyes. For some seconds I thought that I felt Sirius' hot breath against my neck. But as I then opened my eyes he was just still sitting next to me smiling.

"Remus what I…" Sirius started to stutter for the first time since I knew him. I looked at him questionably while I smelled love and affection pouring of him. I calmed down sighing feeling that he couldn't know my secret.

"What Sirius?" I asked getting up wanting now just only bed and a nice long sleep.

"Would think that it is too young in our age to love someone?" Sirius whispered his voice nearly not audible. I still looked at him confused; 'love' was what ruined my life and which destroyed my family. I couldn't see anything in that second hand emotion which only hurts in your soul. But what was really love? Something, which I probably never really will get to know and feel. I knew what love meant in a friendship and I knew that my father loved me, like a normal father could only love his son. Still true and real love was something I would never let judge my actions.

"I don't know…" I answered and Sirius nodded while a sad expression went along his face.

"Why are you asking?" I asked after some more minutes of silence and Sirius shook his head smiling broadly.

"Don't know it just came in my head. Let us call it a night shall we?" and then we both went up to our dormitory while Sirius started to rant about our latest prank we had performed on our favourite Slytherin.

We were still laughing as we were already lying in bed and I closed my eyes, and before I could foresee it I fell into a peaceful sleep.