THE NOSGOTH TIMES

First a bit of prologue. Many of you may remember when the Nosgoth Times made its debut last summer, starting as a venting point for my woes with the glitches of Soul Reaver 2, and advancing to a documentary of what would happen in Nosgoth if I were Amy Hennig. I eventually slowed down with the updates and totally stopped posting it, mainly because I had no time to think what with school and work.

Anyway, so I was sitting in the tub, (showers may be faster, but baths are much more inspirational!) and suddenly the idea hit me for this chapter. And another chapter. And another one, involving the Rolling Stones, which I have to figure out how to work into the Nosgothic storyline. I may not be able to do that one...you can't always get what you want. Oh well.

Unfortunately my writing style also seems to have metamorphosed over the past year, probably from reading too much Brian Lumley and not enough Pratchett and Wodehouse among other things, and I was just reading over some stuff I'd written last summer and was shocked to see how much less heavy-handed, more inspired and witty, and overall better my style was back then. It oozed brilliance and it came straight out, easily enough, when I was feeling in the Writing Mood. Now it's gotten a lot more serious, all the little puns are gone, the little references, etc etc. And I do the most godawful run on sentences now.

In any case, this marks the first effort to reclaim my good old writing style. If you're new to the Nosgoth Times, have a look at the previously posted chapters. You'll dig 'em. If you've been avidly following this since the beginning of its time, read them back over anyway. I almost died laughing on the last classified ad in chapter 8, having forgotten all I'd written.

This chapter is pretty accurate, even though the damn Order of the Phoenix just now came out.

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NOSGOTH TIMES, Vol. 9

HARRY POTTER DELAY DISMAYS VAMPIRE CLANS

As residents of Nosgoth may remember, in the era of time preceding the corruption of the Pillars of Nosgoth, the popular Harry Potter books originating in another dimension arrived on Nosgoth. These were a huge smash first with the children of Nosgoth, who enjoyed reading about the young wizard's adventures in a world of magic, and then became popular with adults as well. Some psychologists have attributed this popularity to escapism: in order to gain a distraction from the real world of insane evil wizards and vampires, Nosgothians enjoy immersion in Harry Potter's world of insane wizards and more goddam insane wizards.

The first four books of the series came out little more delay than early Led Zeppelin albums, and, following the tradition of Led Zeppelin albums, came across a several-year hold-up as author J.K. Rowling crafted a recrafted the immensely twisted plot of the fifth book. Not that fans would care if it was good or not, after three years they wanted this book like Kain wants blood when he's running through the sewers in Avernus.

But after the release of the fifth novel, fans became more and more anxious for the sixth, watching their world fall into a vampiric empire of decay and stuff, as the pillars crumbled, the Sarafan battled the undead, Kain had an irrelevant tramp through Meridian, and raised his lieutenants.

Now several thousand years have passed and Nosgoth is in a state of destruction. And fans are still waiting for the damn sixth book! Vampires are among the series' fans now. Several Melchiahim had planned on organizing a search party to enter the alternate universe where the books originated, until Zephon told them they were a bunch of pathetic weaklings and sent his top warriors to do the job, where they entered a portal to earth and landed in the middle of the ocean, dying horribly and interestingly.



Another press release states that author J.K. Rowling, having used her immense riches to uncover the secret of immortality, is still working on the book, and fans across the universes are waiting.

Kain, for one, is agitated. 'I've been waiting for this book since I was a ten year old boy in Coorhagen. When I got killed, I feared I would never see the sixth and seventh books, and now I still don't think I will. I've timestreamed int othe distant future and similar press releases await,' he told our reporter. 'It's working on my mood too. I was just sitting in the Sanctuary one day re-reading The Chamber of Secrets, and my five younger sons are standing around for God knows what reason, and then Raziel walks the hell in with wings. So I had him thrown into eternal torment in the Lake of the Dead. You can see what this does to a vampire god.

However, Kain is said to have a new plan of action. He will use Raziel's destiny and the Soul Reaver to restore Harry Potter books to Nosgoth. Till then, though, fans will have to continue resorting to bad fluff-fics and finding ridiculous theories about the future books.