Chap 12
I have no need to talk straight away. This silence has a language of its own. I continue to stare down at you, searching you for a reaction, searching for something inside of you that tells me your still Buffy.
You look like a child. Fragile, scared, innocent. I want to pick you up and tell you it's going to be all right, everything will be fine.
But I can't.
No matter how much I will my arms to reach out and touch your delicate body, the more I realise that the last per - Thing that touched you was Spike.
Words cannot describe the pain I feel.
******
Silence. A thick heavy silence that I will you to break as it screams around my ears, making me feel alone once more even though you are stood right before me. Please. Talk.
Even though I don't want to tell you about the last few months, another part of me is screaming inside to spill, allow the last months pain to spurt out into the open.
But I hold on for fear of your reaction. Wait until you hear that the time you saw with Spike was one of many.
******
My voice breaks the silence like a sharp sword through metal.
"Buff, private?" You look at me confused but then you click.
"Oh, yeah." You take one look at me before turning your back and ascending the stair to your room.
I follow, keeping close to you for yet again fear of you fleeing.
You sit at the end of your bed and stare up at me with those deep green eyes and I feel my knees turn to jelly. I reach out beside me and catch hold of the side of your dressing table. Thank god something to keep me stable.
I lean on it casually, as if on purpose.
"Talk to me Buff, tell me what's been going on."
******
And with that it all came spilling out into the open. I told him everything from the singing to the memory loss and the wild sex to the incident with Riley. I let it all go.
By the time I had finished I was in tears. Once again I had to re-live my nightmares.
Looking at your face I could see you were living them too. You no longer leant against my dressing table but paced the room, your hands balled into large fists.
Here came the fury..
******
I contained it for now. Spike would have to wait. I swallowed my male pride and looked at you as you sat in a crumpled heap upon your bed.
There came the child issue again.
But this time I didn't hesitate. Within a few strides I was sat next to you, your painful eyes looking deep into mine. I reached forward slowly to embrace you in a hug. My hands touched your body and instantly the cold met with the warm
You flinched with my touch but still I persisted till finally you relaxed into my arms your head firmly buried in my chest, tears soaked my shirt.
I made no effort to stop you. Let it all out baby.
******
You held me and I was safe. Warmth flowed into my body although you still feel so cold.
Where was the anger now?
Tension no longer became a barrier between us as you hugged me tighter, made me feel safer. Finally I start to feel free.
I break the contact. Not because I don't want it but because I know I shouldn't have it. I don't deserve to be in your arms.
"Angel, Why did you come back?" Although I knew the answer I had to hear it properly.
******
"I came back for you." Why could she read my mind?
As soon as the words travelled across my lips I felt hatred once more burn inside of me. I had come back to you and how do you repay me? You sleep with Spike.
My muscles tense and I move away from you with new shame. Now all I can see is you and Spike, at it together in his crypt.
Confusion spreads across your face and for some reason I can't look at you the same way as I could a moment ago. Now I see anger, now I see red.
"Angel?" Your voice was quiet and worried.
"SPIKE" I yelled in response this time even though I fought the demon, it still rose.
"It could have been anyone, anyone in the entire world yet you chose Spike, my fucking childe Buffy." I was pacing the floor.
You didn't answer.
"ANSWER ME" Fright appeared in your eyes. God damn me for my rage.
"He was there for me Angel, he was there for me when the going got tough." You answer me meekly.
"I was a phone call away. A PHONE CALL."
"I didn't want to bother you with your new life. For all I knew you and Cordelia could have been getting it on." Reading my damn mind again.
I sigh. Time to come up with a few home truths of my own "Buff, I slept with Darla."
Tears drizzled down your face once more.
*~* please read and review!!!! *~*
I have no need to talk straight away. This silence has a language of its own. I continue to stare down at you, searching you for a reaction, searching for something inside of you that tells me your still Buffy.
You look like a child. Fragile, scared, innocent. I want to pick you up and tell you it's going to be all right, everything will be fine.
But I can't.
No matter how much I will my arms to reach out and touch your delicate body, the more I realise that the last per - Thing that touched you was Spike.
Words cannot describe the pain I feel.
******
Silence. A thick heavy silence that I will you to break as it screams around my ears, making me feel alone once more even though you are stood right before me. Please. Talk.
Even though I don't want to tell you about the last few months, another part of me is screaming inside to spill, allow the last months pain to spurt out into the open.
But I hold on for fear of your reaction. Wait until you hear that the time you saw with Spike was one of many.
******
My voice breaks the silence like a sharp sword through metal.
"Buff, private?" You look at me confused but then you click.
"Oh, yeah." You take one look at me before turning your back and ascending the stair to your room.
I follow, keeping close to you for yet again fear of you fleeing.
You sit at the end of your bed and stare up at me with those deep green eyes and I feel my knees turn to jelly. I reach out beside me and catch hold of the side of your dressing table. Thank god something to keep me stable.
I lean on it casually, as if on purpose.
"Talk to me Buff, tell me what's been going on."
******
And with that it all came spilling out into the open. I told him everything from the singing to the memory loss and the wild sex to the incident with Riley. I let it all go.
By the time I had finished I was in tears. Once again I had to re-live my nightmares.
Looking at your face I could see you were living them too. You no longer leant against my dressing table but paced the room, your hands balled into large fists.
Here came the fury..
******
I contained it for now. Spike would have to wait. I swallowed my male pride and looked at you as you sat in a crumpled heap upon your bed.
There came the child issue again.
But this time I didn't hesitate. Within a few strides I was sat next to you, your painful eyes looking deep into mine. I reached forward slowly to embrace you in a hug. My hands touched your body and instantly the cold met with the warm
You flinched with my touch but still I persisted till finally you relaxed into my arms your head firmly buried in my chest, tears soaked my shirt.
I made no effort to stop you. Let it all out baby.
******
You held me and I was safe. Warmth flowed into my body although you still feel so cold.
Where was the anger now?
Tension no longer became a barrier between us as you hugged me tighter, made me feel safer. Finally I start to feel free.
I break the contact. Not because I don't want it but because I know I shouldn't have it. I don't deserve to be in your arms.
"Angel, Why did you come back?" Although I knew the answer I had to hear it properly.
******
"I came back for you." Why could she read my mind?
As soon as the words travelled across my lips I felt hatred once more burn inside of me. I had come back to you and how do you repay me? You sleep with Spike.
My muscles tense and I move away from you with new shame. Now all I can see is you and Spike, at it together in his crypt.
Confusion spreads across your face and for some reason I can't look at you the same way as I could a moment ago. Now I see anger, now I see red.
"Angel?" Your voice was quiet and worried.
"SPIKE" I yelled in response this time even though I fought the demon, it still rose.
"It could have been anyone, anyone in the entire world yet you chose Spike, my fucking childe Buffy." I was pacing the floor.
You didn't answer.
"ANSWER ME" Fright appeared in your eyes. God damn me for my rage.
"He was there for me Angel, he was there for me when the going got tough." You answer me meekly.
"I was a phone call away. A PHONE CALL."
"I didn't want to bother you with your new life. For all I knew you and Cordelia could have been getting it on." Reading my damn mind again.
I sigh. Time to come up with a few home truths of my own "Buff, I slept with Darla."
Tears drizzled down your face once more.
*~* please read and review!!!! *~*
