Ally McBeal

6.4 - Truth

Guest Starring Jane Leeves as Dr. Mildred McGintey

Previously on Ally McBeal:

------------------------------------------------------

[As she turns around reluctantly, we see the precocious receptionist, in a pink shirt, but other unusual equipment as well: large safety goggles, a tool belt around her waist, and, most importantly, the power drill.]

------------------------------------------------------

RENEE

Maybe you need a break.

------------------------------------------------------

NELLE

(condescending) I said you can have your office.

------------------------------------------------------

NELLE

I can't do it anymore, John!

------------------------------------------------------

JUDGE WALSH

Goodbye!

------------------------------------------------------

ALLY

Well it's not like I can't practice!

JOHN

(screaming) No, but I surely wish you couldn't.

------------------------------------------------------

LING

This place makes me feel dirty, like I'm at the Salvation Army. No wonder I've been called to help out the needy.

------------------------------------------------------

ALLY

I've gotta take a break.

JOHN

From?

ALLY

This firm.

------------------------------------------------------

[Ally's bedroom.  Morning.  Ally opens her eyes slowly and yawns.  She "hears" a rooster crow and rolls her eyes in disgust.  Moments later she staggers into the kitchen, yawning.  After pouring herself a cup of coffee, she sits down across the table from Renee.  She eventually looks up to see her roommate; the woman's eyes are open at full breadth, staring out into nothingness.  Renee is obviously distressed.]

ALLY

Renee?!...(bewildered) Are you alright?

RENEE

Hmmm?  (snapping out) Not really, no.

ALLY

My gosh.

  What happened?

RENEE

(on the verge of tears) I watched "The Ring". 

ALLY

I didn't hear you watching a movie last night.

RENEE

I didn't.  I watched it a week ago.

ALLY

(horrified) Oh.

RENEE

(pause) What time is it?

ALLY

...Seven-thirty.

RENEE

Well...I guess I better be going.

ALLY

Yeah.   Be careful.

RENEE

Mmm hmm.

[Renee absentmindedly jumps up and heads for the door pell-mell.  She turns around before leaving.]

RENEE

Hey, are we doing lunch today?

ALLY

No...remember I'm not even going in this week.

RENEE

(knowingly) Ohhh, that's right.

ALLY

Oh, what?  People can't take breaks?

RENEE

Do I need to come check up on you sometime today?

ALLY

Renee!  I'll be fine!

[Renee raises an eyebrow.]

ALLY

(slowly) I will be perfectly fine. 

[Renee gives a skeptic smile before leaving.  Ally looks around in silence, nodding her head with optimism.]

[Ally lets out a satisfied sigh and heads for the living room.  It's so silent at first that she cannot even hear the first, bouncing, repeated chords of The Beatles' "One".  Ally suddenly freezes, not even allowing her moving foot to make contact with the floor.]

[The song's repeated intro. grows louder and louder of course.]

ALLY

(quickly) Dammit.  Dammit!  How about one day of silence, or an hour at least.  Why is that so impossible? 

[She is looking up with harsh indignance.]

ALLY

What?  You think I can't stop this?

[She cups her hands over her ears and waves her head back and forth.]

ALLY

Ha ha.  You see this?  When I'm talking I can't hear anything.

[The words begin to play with the song:  "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do..."]

ALLY

(screaming) Ahhhhh.

[Ally directly sticks her fingers in her ears, closes her eyes and violently shakes her head.]

ALLY

Oh.  I know exactly what I can do to quell THIS little problem.

RENEE

Ally.

[Music dies.  Renee is standing right inside the door with a serious look on her face.  There is now only silence.]

ALLY

(jubilantly) Renee!  What are you doing here?

[Ally slowly unplugs her ears as she looks down guiltily.  She fixes her hair, and looks around casually.]

RENEE

I forgot my briefcase.

[Ally nods her head understandably, trying disarm any suspicion.]

RENEE

(looking around; and then:) Do you have an appoint--

ALLY

(angrily) Yes!

RENEE

What time?

ALLY

Ten.

RENEE

Can you get it any earlier?

ALLY

(angry sarcasm) Huh.  And why would you want me to do that?

RENEE

(smiling) No reason, really. 

[Ally wears a look of pouting defeat.]

OPENING CREDITS

[The law office conference room; morning.]

[Richard stands at the table's head, while Liza and John sit impatiently in their seats.  Elaine is also there, too, looking strangely uncomfortable.]  

RICHARD

Greetings, all.  Liza and I had a--whoa--wonderful night last night, I hope everyone else did, too.  Not that I care. 

[Liza flashes rage, John looks up from his breakfast in disgust.]

JOHN

Unessential.

ELAINE

Richard, I was just curious why I'm here...(cheerily) not that I mind, but...

RICHARD

Number one:  the room would just be too empty without your giving spirit along with us.  Also, it'd be a bugger if you left me alone in the room with these two bulldogs.  Yikes. 

LIZA

Don't think we actually consider you an equal.

ELAINE

And what makes you think I would want to stoop to your level?

RICHARD

Ladies.  Let's remain in the spirit of brotherly love...and money.  Speaking of, it's a bugger we have only one case today.  Not that we could handle more.  John, after much deliberating on this copyright issue, I've decided to let you first chair.

JOHN

I appreciate your benevolence.

RICHARD

Any time.  Liza, we all know what that makes you.

LIZA

Angry?  A Celibate?

RICHARD

I was thinking more along the lines of second chair.  (pause) Bygones.  Moving on, I just wanted to inform you all that we will have a new face around the firm.  "Why?" you might ask.  Wel--

LING

This place needs someone to lighten up the atmosphere.  It would just seem so hateful if I

wasn't here. 

[Ling has just appeared from the room's front doors.  Liza's head snaps around, while John suddenly throws down his muffin.]

LING

I can't even express how happy I am to be here.  (with a radiant smile) Say "hello" to your brand new financial and occupational consultant.

RICHARD

(oblivious) Hello.

[Ally sits impatiently in a waiting room, surrounded by dull, starkly black and white paintings, walls, and floors.  The room is appropriately deathly silent as well.  The woman looks down, her fingers fidgeting at her mouth when she is suddenly called to look up.  A receptionist has just called "Ms. McBeal".  Though she is being led into another door, she turns around at the last second to answer a question from the receptionist.]

RECEPTIONIST

Well, you can just pay later...(pungently)Good luck.

[Ally stares at the fleeting woman in disgust as the door closes on her.  She turns around without thinking and screams in utter terror at the sight before her.]

[In a sprawling room, are bright, swirling colors of all spectrums.  Even though the room is tasteful, it is still distinctly nauseating--scattered throughout are mediums of insectoid art, from mantis sculptures to moth pillows.]

DR. MCGINTEY

(slowly) Indeed, my dear.  You have come to the right place.

[A bright-eyed woman is standing in the center of the room, hands folded.  Not only is her hair in a strange vertical configuration, but she has on massive, thick-rimmed glasses.  Her wide eyes are magnified to an extremity with these spectacles.  Dr. Mildred McGintey is dressed in a green silk outfit.]

ALLY

(ruefully) Oh, I think I would say the right place has come to me.

DR. MCGINTEY

(motioning to the couch) Relax, dear.  Apparently you're in need of some peace.  But first, sign this.

[Dr. McGintey flashes a thick packet of documents in Ally's face.]

ALLY

(appalled) What is this?

DR. MCGINTEY

Oh, just a little non-liability form.

ALLY

For what?!

DR. MCGINTEY

You're a lawyer; I was hoping you could tell me.  Let's just say that I advise kooks, not produce them.

[Ally shoots the therapist down with her eyes.  She vehemently signs and then heads for the couch.  Violently, she sits down with a scowl.]

DR. MCGINTEY

Oh, not there my dear. 

[She once again motions, except this time to the floor directly in front of the couch.]

ALLY

(quietly, angrily) What?

DR. MCGINTEY

It's just my individual approach.  Well, I just might as well say it:  if you're in for therapy, you probably need all the blood in your head you can get.

[Ally stands up, about to begrudingly move into her new position.  Dr. McGintey is beginning to write in a file, looking down and speaking as she does so.]

DR. MCGINTEY

I must say, for a long time, I didn't really think you existed.

ALLY

(standing) Excuse me?

DR. MCGINTEY

Well I'd certainly heard about you before, but you can't help but wonder if it's just another legend.  Psychiatrists do that, you know--invent phony patients to inflate their reputations.  I suppose I'll have a good story to tell in the long run, though.

ALLY

You...knew about me?

DR. MCGINTEY

Well of course my dear.  What shrink doesn't?  Oh the things I would hear from Dr. Clark, why did you ever leave her?  She's back from Foxborough, you know.  Now the theme song, I would say it will need a bit of work--

ALLY

My psychiatrist disclosed my conditions with you?!

DR. MCGINTEY

Oh, it's not really a normal occurrence.  She just said if you ever came to any of us, we had better be ready for your loopy ways.  (laughs congenially)

ALLY

I could sue for this!

DR. MCGINTEY

Oh, but you won't, dear.  She did mention your little problem with authority...

[Richard's office.]

LING

(holding a report portfolio; yelling) This is the most lax attention I've ever seen paid.  How could these things slip by you, Richard?

RICHARD

Well, mostly, I don't care.

LING

If George W. had as many problems as this law firm, half the people in this country would be employed by the government, working as an advisor.  When would he have time to declare war?

RICHARD

(defensively) Well then what do you suggest, Mr. Stephanopolis?

[Ling rubs her temples and then groans whinily.]

LING

I have a headache.  I need a break.

RICHARD

[angrily] Well I'm just glad you've already brought about so much reform.

LING

Shut up.

[Richard stares at Ling a moment, with a mischievous look as she leans back with her eyes closed, feet propped up on his desk.  He gets up from his desk and moves towards her, gently touching the back of her knee.]

RICHARD

You're getting paid by the hour?

LING

(slapping his hand) Oh get off it.

[Ling haughtily gets up and heads towards the door;   Richard chases after her.  He

follows her plaintively as they walk through the office.]

RICHARD

At least clue me in on the most obvious problems.

LING

The employees, Richard.  What an inhumane place for anyone to have to work.  You're eventually going to have to correct this imbalance.

RICHARD

Imbalance? 

LING

Between work and rewards.  These people are driven like slaves.  And what do they get for it?

RICHARD

Money.  What else would they want?

LING

Give them incentives.  Or rewards.  A surprise once and a while to let them think it's actually worth it to work at such a strange place.

RICHARD

They get the reward of staying employed.

LING

Please, Richard.

RICHARD

Come on, we're a close knit bunch. 

LING

Two summers ago.  Do you know what happened? 

RICHARD

I'm guessing not.

[The two stop walking.]

LING

All of those employees who left the firm--Mark, Jackson--were there any others?  Oh yes, Nelle and I.  We all had a secret meeting.  The ones who eventually left told us they had decided it wasn't worth it to work here.  Not because of the money.  Richard, they said some pretty nasty things about this place.  I didn't care one way or the other, but Nelle actually defended you and John and this firm.  You can't even keep the people who like    working here here. 

[The resume their journey through the office.]

LING

The point is, you've created an awful environment for your employees; you're going to have to whip it into shape.  And get rid of that trashy bathroom.

RICHARD

Hey, I'll have you know that is the office's place of fellowship.  It promotes a sense of community and common progress.

[Ending their journey, the two walk into the unisex bathroom, suddenly hearing the screams of two conflicting women.]

[Suddenly, Liza and Elaine, in a deathlock, fly out the back, right stall and launch forward, hitting the door of another.  As Elaine pulls at Liza's hair, the opponent grabs Elaine's head and bangs it against a stall door.  The door abruptly gives way and the two fall head first into another stall.]

[Ling turns to Richard.]

RICHARD

(pause) Yeah.

[The office door of Cone, Raddick and Thompson stealthily opens as Ally McBeal quietly slips in.  She wanders over to the receptionist's desk, where a young, energetic man sits, and pleads guiltily.]

ALLY

Yes, umm, is Miss Raddick in at the moment?

RECEPTIONIST

I'm afraid she's with someone.  Let me just contact her.

[Moments later, a familiar voice comes onto the phone's speaker.]

RENEE

Yes?

RECEPTIONIST

Are you free for someone?

ALLY

Ally McBeal.

RECEPTIONIST

A Ms. McBeal?

RENEE

(suddenly flustered) What?  Oh, I'll...no, tell her to stay there.  I'm coming out.

[Ally turns and meanders off, hands on her lips in confusion.]

RENEE

(happily petrified) Well, look who it is.

ALLY

(quietly moody) And umm is it a problem to be here? 

RENEE

Of course not.

ALLY

Who are you with anyway?

RENEE

(suspiciously) Oh...just an old acquaintance. 

ALLY

(paranoid) Mmmm.

RENEE

Why are you here?  (waiting)  I thought you were in therapy?

ALLY

Well...I was, but--

RENEE

But what?

ALLY

The woman is strange, Renee.

RENEE

Please.

ALLY

Renee, I had to sign a liability contract!  I have to sit on my head, and--

RENEE

Well I'm glad none of your other therapists have been unorthodox.  This must be quite a shock.

ALLY

Unorthodox?!  Why in God's name did you send me to her?

RENEE

Ally you go through therapists like you do men.  (pause)  You said you needed a new one.  I heard Whipper saying that that woman really helped her when--

ALLY

Whipper?  This was a recommendation from Whipper?  Oh, well I know I'm in good hands now.  Renee, how many relationships has this woman held that didn't involve wattle?  How many relationships has she had, period.

WHIPPER

Enough.  Maybe even more than you.

[Whipper Cone has just come through the door, fresh off her lunch break.  Ally grimaces and turns around slowly.]

ALLY

(humbly, strangely) How long have you been...standing there?

WHIPPER

Ally, that therapist has helped me through some rough times.  Maybe she uses absurd methods, but at least they keep the focus off of the more devastating matters at hand; She'll get the solution to reveal itself little by little.  You know, not everyone has to coexist alongside someone else.  But hey, if you're meant to be with someone, it will all work out.

ALLY

Thrilling concept.

WHIPPER

Ally, you're a bright girl.  I doubt you've given up on love.  And I would hope you wouldn't let one misfortune threaten your resolve.

[Ally is now heading towards the door in defeat.  Ally opens the door but turns around before leaving.]

ALLY

And what about you?  Is it really in the stars for you to be a significant other?

WHIPPER

(vaguely smiling, but optimistic) We'll see.

[Back in the office, John walks down the stairs with Liza in tow.  He has a law book open

as he walks and he is angrily gesturing to her as he takes every step.  He looks down to the landing and halts in horror.  Liza, a few steps behind and distracted, doesn't see John's sudden stop and plows into him. 

[He tumbles down the long staircase and lands in a heap on the floor.  As the camera pans upward, a long line of young men and women in suits are waiting impatiently.  Ling parades up and down, sticking stethoscopes on their chests, prodding them in the mouths with tongue pressers, and using other various medical equipment to look in their ears and test their pulse.]

[John awkwardly uncoils and stands to his feet.  Ling walks over to meet him, unphased by his contorted face.]

JOHN

What in the blue bl-(stuttering)bababebae-pougkeepababa-POOP! 

LING

Was that dwarfish?  These are some of the applicants for the new positions.  I just thought I'd give them a physical before the interview.  (looking John over suspiciously) You can never be sure what people are carrying these days.

[Ling turns around to the massive line with a bogus grin.]

LING

Everyone say "hello" to a senior partner!

[The group is silent and delightfully shocked as they gawk at the funny little man.  After a moment, John turns to Ling with his sustained grimace; he grips his heavy book as some means of concealment.]

JOHN

(shouting) Unacceptable!

[In John's office, he and Richard sit in their crossed-legged zen formations.  Though they both have their eyes closed, Richard is clearly restless and uncomfortable.]

JOHN

My persona has been sullied.

RICHARD

(with faux intelligence) Mmm.

JOHN

If any of those candidates are hired--which is quite possible--I will never be whole again.

RICHARD

Concurred.

JOHN

What makes Ling think she can just parade them into the office, and give them a check-up like some horse before she gives them a ride around the coral?

RICHARD

Confounding, to say the least.

JOHN

Balls!

RICHARD

I must--

JOHN

No, Richard, can you listen to my words of perturbment without chipping in with the grunt of a mountain sage?

RICHARD

(quietly) No.

JOHN

(confused, pause) Excuse me?

[Richard opens his eyes and stands up to move.]

RICHARD

John, why is it always this continual cycle?  Embarrassment, affirmation.  Embarrassment, affirmation.  So you fell down a few steps in front of fifty people.  (laughs) Big deal, Scarlett O'Hara.  Just think of yourself compared to...President Ford.  See?  Now you are grace in the flesh.  A fool knows he is better, when he looks at one even more foolish than the one he thinks a fool.  Fishism. If you ask me, little buddy, this whole whining ritual is just getting old.  So, for once, be a grown up and...(nonchalantly) get some self-esteem.  (contentedly) Yeah. 

[John's eyes snap open in outrage as his nose whistles.  He shoots up to face Richard.  He motions his hands along with his words but he is at a loss for any.]

JOHN

(determined) Tell Liza the preliminary is at eleven, and that she needs to look at the Kinko's and Texaco cases, along with Section 108 of the Code.

[John storms out of his office with Richard in weak pursuit.]

RICHARD

(whining) John--

JOHN

It was an eloquent speech, Richard.  If only you could have such words in court.  If only you had words in court.

[John climbs through a mass of people as he makes his way to the elevator.]

RICHARD

(calling from a distance) Well here we want lawyers that are men--intelligent and mature.

[Richard suddenly looks down at a young female in the line.  He reaches for her neck with a stroking finger.]

RICHARD

(slowly) You just had a little...crumb.

[In the therapist's office, doctor and patient are nowhere to be seen, though their voices can be heard.  As the camera continually pans horizontally across a couch, it finally comes to rest on an image:  Ally McBeal, arms crossed in contention, as she balances upside down.  Her legs are resting on the couch, while her head is below it, on a pillow.]

DR. MCGINTEY

Well, it seems like he's the little radish who has taken root in your life.  But I can't  be quite sure.  I mean, at least there's still a possibility for him; unless he has a brain tumor, too...  Answer me a few questions.  Do you think about him often?

ALLY

Yes.

DR. MCGINTEY

Dream about him?

ALLY

(reluctantly) Yes.

DR. MCGINTEY

Do you ever fantasize he's in the room?

ALLY

Yes.

DR. MCGINTEY

Do you talk to him?

ALLY

...Yes.

DR. MCGINTEY

(lively) And kiss him?!

ALLY

Hey hey hey!  (pause) Why?

DR. MCGINTEY

(singing from Cats) Because jellicles do and jellicles can/Jellicles can and jellicles do/Jellic--

ALLY

Mildred!

DR. MCGINTEY

(suddenly) Yes, dear.

ALLY

What is it exactly you are trying to unearth?

DR. MCGINTEY

(ignoring her) Were there any others after that?

ALLY

A few.  They never amounted to much.  One was a...whippersnapper.  And the other (achingly) a plumber.

DR. MCGINTEY

(suspiciously) How long have you been lying to me?

ALLY

What?  I'm telling the truth.

DR. MCGINTEY

Ally, some of the things I've been hearing definitely sound far-fetched, though it probably doesn't seem like that to a "special" person like yourself.

ALLY

Dammit.  Why does everyone treat me like I am some mental wreck.  If I was really the  Blanche Dubois that I'm made out to be, why would I still be apart of functioning society?    His name was Victor.  We got along beautifully.

[Dr. McGintey, apparently continuing a pattern, knocks on wood.]

ALLY

What?!

DR. MCGINTEY

Ally.

ALLY

Is that so hard to imagine?

DR. MCGINTEY

Yes.

ALLY

WHY?

DR. MCGINTEY

Well, you apparently got along so beautifully you dumped him.  Dearie, I know you.

ALLY

(confidently) I'm sure.

DR. MCGINTEY

Sit up.

[Ally does so poutily.  Dr. McGintey hits a button on her remote.  Ally's face becomes confused as she hears something lowering behind her.  She turns around just as a large purple neon sign reading "Liar!" comes on.]

ALLY

(to Mildred) Hey!

DR. MCGINTEY

You're father was a lawyer.  The Oedipus complex works two ways in case you didn't know. 

[Ally shoots a look, Dr. McGintey sticks her tongue out.]

ALLY

Forgive me for breaking the mold in saying feelings for my father were platonic.

DR. MCGINTEY

You wish.  Growing up with such an eminent rolemodel--though kissing your previous dead lover's ex-wife was a bit cheeky--you idealized him and transferred that...respect to all other men.  He really screwed you up, didn't he?

ALLY

(screaming) My father...

[As soon as Ally begins, Dr. McGintey uses her remote to trigger a drowning sound of buzzing bees.  Ally's moving lips can be seen, but all that is heard is contented bees.  It is obvious Ally mouths a curse word before submitting in placid anger.]

DR. MCGINTEY

Thank you for your attention.  Soulmate #1--a lawyer.  You were even naive enough to follow him into the profession.  Soulmate #2--a lawyer.  No matter how much love you had for this "Carwash Boy" and "The Plumber"--bloody, they sound like Green Acres          characters--you know in your heart of hearts that ending up with one of them is about as likely as your sanity.  You know it, Ally:  for you, the plaintiff brings the pleasure.  (pause) And obviously you don't have an "objection."  (chuckles)

ALLY

As much as I don't think that's true, I can deal with it.  And and and how can we not prove it's because I am simply around them more.  I work with them everyday.  (optimistically) I mean,  in my life, I've heard a lot worse than this.

DR. MCGINTEY

And you're about to.

ALLY

Excuse me?

DR. MCGINTEY

You're not driven by guilt.

ALLY

Oh, and what woman is?

DR. MCGINTEY

If you had wanted to break-up Billy's marriage, you could have.  He was open; you certainly had ample opportunities.   

ALLY

Perfect!  I should have just divorced him and then taken him home with me that night like a new t.v.

DR. MCGINTEY

A device.

ALLY

And you know what we determined.  He told me I wasted love.  That that doesn't really sound like my ideal soulmate.

DR. MCGINTEY

A device.  And the same thing happened with Harry Doll.

ALLY

Larry Paul!

DR. MCGINTEY

Whatever.  Every time you pushed your little lawyer men away or even made up these dire reasons why you couldn't be with him you were using a device.  "For what?" you might ask.

[Dr. McGintey waits, holding out her hand to beckon Ally's response.]

ALLY

(begrudgingly) For what?

DR. MCGINTEY

To keep your happiness.  How could you not have realized it yet?  (pause) You are happy alone.

[Ally gets up to leave; Mildred presses another button on her remote.  Ally's feet are frozen in place.]

DR. MCGINTEY

(cheerily) Magnetic field.  Holds your little shoes right in place.  (coarsely) Now sit down, you ninny. 

[Ally does so.]

DR. MCGINTEY

Of course it sounds preposterous.  You could have had so many opportunities to be together, etc.  It doesn't matter what you think          

you want, it matters what your subconscious is feeling because ultimately that will govern your desires and actions.  It just seems so hard for you to believe.  (jokingly)  Well, believe it sister.  When Jerry left, that was the perfect excuse for you.  So you liked him at the beginning, big woo.  What really got you was the fact that, as soon as you saw him, you knew he would be a hard target to hit.  And so you went for it, all the while knowing you would never hit it.  But that's what you like, of course.  When you end with undesirable results you're not really shocked.  You knew you would be alone, but that's what  you can bear.  So tell me, dear, if you're so infatuated with this Gary Fall why haven't you gone to Detroit yet?  If you are faithful on a longterm basis--which you're not--there must be some reason.  

[The camera turns to Ally:  staring into nothingness, with tears rolling down her cheeks.]

ALLY

I...I can be faithful.  Just because you haven't seen it doesn't mean that it's not there.  And to just peg me like this...without a chance.  That's not fair.  (truthfully) Life isn't fair, but that's not to say it doesn't give a second chance. 

DR. MCGINTEY

Tracey told me about this.  You can't take what I'm saying, dear.  It's time to listen to the truth--

ALLY

(forcefully) The truth is...you...you caught me at a bad time. 

[Ally gets up and walks away dispiritedly.]

DR. MCGINTEY

Same time next week?

ALLY

(pause) No.  I'll be gone for a while.  There's something I need to do.

[A straight-faced Dr. McGintey is seen in the background as Ally shuts the door to her

office.]