Monica bounced into Chandler's room the next morning, oblivious, for the moment, to the change in Chandler's demeanor.

"Hi, sweetie," she greeted him, leaning over to kiss him on the forehead before sitting down next to his bed.  Hearing the familiar endearment roll so easily off her tongue made Chandler's heart thump in response, but at the same time filled him with a sense of dread. 

This was not going to be easy.

"Hi," he responded, glancing at her face but focusing his gaze just above her eyes.  He was afraid he would break completely under her sapphire stare if he looked directly into her eyes.  "Did you sleep well?" he asked solicitously.

"Yeah.  How about you?  Do you feel better this morning?"  Chandler could hear the lingering concern in her voice, and forced himself to nod and smile. 

"Yeah, I'm fine, Mon.  Don't worry."

"Good."  Monica smiled, and her face lit up again as she remembered what she had been so anxious to tell him when she entered the room.  "Guess what!"

Chandler studied her face, this time not avoiding her eyes.  She did look rested, or at least more rested than she had looked over the past few days.  Her eyes were sparkling with the knowledge of the secret she was about to share, and she was smiling.  For the first time, Chandler realized how long it had been since he had seen her smile like that.  His chest suddenly felt tight and hollow, and he felt regret spread through his body, numbing his arms and legs and twisting his stomach into a knot. 

            That smile was so familiar, so achingly familiar.  There had been a time when he'd lived for that smile, when he had promised himself that he spend his life making her smile that smile.  How in the world had everything gone so terribly wrong?

            "Umm…" Chandler responded, unable to keep from smiling in response to the childish glee on her face.  "Ross got married again?" he guessed, his grin growing wider when Monica laughed.

            "We're still not completely sure he really divorced Rachel," Monica teased back, impulsively reaching for his hand.  "But no, really, Chandler.  I just talked to your doctor outside, and he said they're going to release you tomorrow!"

            "Wh-what?  Really?  I thought they were going to make me stay longer."

            Monica shook her head, her eyes shining.

            "He said you're doing great, and there's no reason to keep you."  Monica paused, her eyes boring into Chandler's as her expression became uncertain.  "Are you…are you going to stay here?"

            Or are you coming back to New York?, Chandler finished for her in his head.  Of course, he had already decided that, sometime during his sleepless night.  In spite of the attractiveness of Joey's offer of an empty room, being in such close proximity to Monica would make it so much harder for him to follow his decision.  Averting his eyes, he stared down at their intertwined hands, knowing that he could not avoid telling her the conclusion he had reached the night before.  Sighing deeply, he looked up at Monica, who was biting her lip as she waited for his answer.

            "Monica…" he began, but knew instantly that he would not need to go further.  Monica released a shaky breath and removed her hand from his, standing up and turning away from him. 

            "You want to stay here, then," she finally said quietly, her back to him as she stared out the window of his room. 

            "It's not that I don't want to come back to New York, Monica…"

            "No, it's not that," Monica said sarcastically, turning to glare at him.  "Because we all know that Boston just has so much that New York doesn't." 

Chandler winced at the bitterness in her voice and reached out a hand to her in a gesture of peace.  Monica ignored it.

"I actually believed you, Chandler." Monica said, her voice softening not in tenderness, but with sadness.  "When you said I could believe that you loved me, I did.  But nothing's changed, has it?  You don't."

"I do love you," Chandler claimed, tears streaming down his own face.  "That's why I want you to have better."

"Better?" Monica questioned, her voice hard and cold again.  "Better than what?"

Chandler turned his attention to the window, unable to look at her.  "Better than me," he clarified dully, rubbing a hand across his brow.  "As deluded as I was back then, that was why I left in the first place – so that you could make your life with someone who deserved you.  I wasn't lying when I told you I regretted it, Mon, no more than when I told you I love you.  It's the truth, Mon, all of it.  But no matter how much I regret leaving you, that's still what I want for you.  You could have any man in the world…" Chandler sighed, his eyes pleading with her to understand.  "You deserve better than me, Monica.  Maybe if I hadn't been so stupid in the past, I could let myself believe that you would be happy with me, but it's not fair for me to ask you to forget all of that.  I've hurt you enough.  I refuse to take the chance of doing it again."

Monica's lips were drawn into a tight line, and her shoulders were set in a stance that Chandler knew all too well.  She stared at him for another long time, then shook her head slowly.   

"You just did," she stated quietly.  Then she turned and walked out of the room without another word. 

There's something out there left for you,

But it's not me.

We've reached the point of no return

It's only right I set you free.

            Mark picked Chandler up at the hospital the next day, and the ride back to the townhouse was unnaturally quiet.  When Mark pulled up in the driveway, he turned off the engine and turned to Chandler.

            "Monica's still here, Chandler," he told him, his face serious.  "She's flying back to New York this afternoon."

            Chandler nodded, keeping his eyes straight ahead and giving no indication that the announcement had affected him.  Mark glanced at his friend and sighed.

            "Chandler, I'm sure you have your reasons for staying here, but you know what?  You're just being selfish, or stupid, or…or something.  You were going back to New York before you landed in the hospital, and you were going back for her.  So what the hell changed, Chandler?  That girl loves you, for whatever reason, and you're just going to let her go – again?"

            "You don't understand," Chandler responded distantly.  "It's for the best."

            "Fine," Mark said, throwing up his hands in frustration.  "It's your choice, Chandler.  But you belong in New York, and you know it.  You belong with her."

            Mark looked expectantly at Chandler, hoping to see some sign that Chandler was even listening.  After a moment of silence, Chandler glanced over at him. 

            "Will you grab my bag for me?   My ribs are killing me."

            Exasperated, Mark jumped out of the car and slammed the door.  He pulled Chandler's overnight back from the backseat, shooting daggers at Chandler in the rearview mirror, then walked up the driveway, leaving Chandler alone in the car.

            Contrary to his indifferent behavior, Chandler had indeed listened to Mark.  And while the rest of his words kept playing and replaying in his head throughout the morning, the one phrase that lingered was Mark's first.  Monica was still there.

            It was nearing lunchtime when Chandler, out of desperation, reached for his cell phone.  He hesitated, looking down at the numbers on the face, before finally dialing a familiar number.  It had been his own once upon a time.  He nervously counted the rings - one…two…thr – The third ring was interrupted with a sleepy voice, and Chandler could almost picture Joey's bed hair on the other end of the line. 

            "Joey, it's Chandler.  Listen, I really need to talk…"

            He found her in the backyard, staring out across the green lawn with her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them.  He watched her for a moment, feeling yet another pang of regret for all the pain he had caused her.  He didn't understand how she could still love him after everything he had put her through.  He didn't understand at all.

            Ignoring his body's protests, he maneuvered himself into a sitting position beside her, noticing that she did not so much as twitch her head in his direction.  He hadn't expected her to.

            "I want to go back to New York," he finally said, careful not to look in her direction.  "If you think it's a good idea, then I want to go with you."

            "Are you just saying that?" Monica asked, "or do you really mean it?"

            "I mean it.  I already called Joey.  He offered to let me stay with him.  But I need to know if this is what you want me to do."

            Monica finally looked at him.  "Do you really have to ask that?"

            "Yeah, I do.  I need to be sure that you're okay…with everything."

            "You mean everything you said yesterday.  About us."

            "Yeah."

            "Do I have a choice?"

            "I…I guess not," Chandler replied, stumbling over his words.  "But you have to see my point, Monica.  Look at what I've put you through."

            "Fine," Monica said, tucking one leg underneath her.  "If I have no choice but to accept that, then I will."  For now, she continued to herself, far from willing to give up the fight or admit that she had lost.  She loved him, and only him, and she knew from experience that he was not easy to let go.  So she was going to hold on…even if he didn't know that she was.

            "Okay," Chandler agreed, surprised - and a little hurt - that she was not arguing.  "So we're okay then?"

            "We're okay," Monica confirmed, turning to him with a hesitant smile.  "Now I hope you're packed.  Our flight leaves in an hour and a half."

I know I have to turn away,

But there's nowhere for my love to go.

And there won't come a day

When I won't honor what we vowed.

But I'll go on with my life

We can even say goodbye for now if,

If that's what we have to do

Here in my heart

Even when my arms are empty, darlin'

I'm still holding on to you.

~"Still Holding On"

Black/Berg/Stuart

AN:  Sorry for the short chapter.  I intended to go much further in this one, but I realized that if I went any further then here, I would have had to go on a LOT further…so, I ended it here.  Besides, this one gets from Point A to Point B – Point A being Boston and Point B being New York.  =)  I promise, next chapter soon.   And you guys HAVE to be proud of me for getting this one up in just (counts on fingers) three days!