SEVERUS SNAPE CLAIMS HE BOUGHT THE FIFTH HARRY POTTER BOOK FOR ITS LITERARY VALUE, BUT HE REALLY JUST WANTED TO SEE WHO DIED

"God, I hope it's not me," Snape muttered, flipping way to the back of the book without even reading the chapter list. "That would really, really suck."

"Hey, you can't do that!" Professor MacGonagall yelled as she walked by the entrance to the potions classroom. "You're supposed to read the whole book through first! You're ruining it!"

She ran in and immediately confiscated the book from an outraged Severus. "No fair!" he yelled, kicking her in the shins. "I bought that book cuz I want to know who dies! I want to know how big a role I get this time around! I want to know if, by some strange happenstance, I'm suddenly vindicated in everyone's eyes by having the audience presented with an unbiased flashback that elevates me from former Draco-esque jerk to misunderstood loner with a trouble childhood!"

There was a tense silence.

"I mean I bought it for its literary value," Snape added uneasily.

MacGonagall paused. "Retroactively," she answered sharply, "that would be a yes, a sort-of-better-than-the-last-book-but-still-not-as-good-but-hey- let's-just-be-glad-Fleur-isn't-teaching-Dark-Arts-after-all, and Sirius Black."

"Son of a BITCH," Dumbledore yelled in passing from the hallway. "I haven't read that part yet!"