OCTOBER 23, 1976
9:37 PM
ERIC FORMAN'S DRIVEWAY
The guys and Donna are playing HORSE in the driveway, while Jackie stands off to the side and watches. Donna passes the ball to Kelso, who misses the shot.
"Damn!" he says.
Hyde comments that Kelso missed yet another shot and is now up to H-O-R.
In response to this, Fez says, "Oh, you are a whore."
Kelso looks at him, rolls his eyes, and says, "No, the game is horse."
"Oh."
Fez moves farther away from Kelso, and Hyde gives him the ball.
At this point, Jackie says that she going to go home to do her homework, amidst various insults and jokes about her doing her homework on a Saturday night. Eric also informs her that he's putting off working on a thousand-word term paper, which is due Monday, as he's got a whole crappy Sunday to do it. Kelso tries to get her to stay by saying that Steve Martin will be hosting Saturday Night. Jackie responds to this by saying she hates the show, as they show fake commercials, which make her want to buy their fictional products, and prepares to leave. Hyde, Donna, and Eric look at her, and wave furiously while saying, "Bye Bye Bye". Hyde sneaks a side-glance in Donna's direction, with a wistful look on his face, which she misses. Jackie tells them to shut up and leaves.
After she's gone, Hyde says, "Kelso, Jackie does her homework on Saturday night. That's so hip!"
Kelso responds with, "Guess I don't have to worry about Jackie anymore 'cause I'm breaking up with her." Everyone only responds to this by looking at him and rolling their eyes.
Finally Eric says, "We are so tired of hearing you say that!"
"No, I am, I'm breaking up with her," replies a rather adamant Kelso.
"Yeah, when?" Hyde responds with derision.
"I'm picking my moment," says Kelso.
At this point, Eric looks around the driveway. "Hey, where's Fez?" he asks.
We finally see that Fez has went into the backyard. He shoot the ball and scores, then yells, "Make that shot whore!"
FORMAN KITCHEN
Eric, Red, and Kitty are preparing to eat breakfast. Kitty makes a comment about the waffles being extra delicious this morning, which prompts Eric to ask if she's quit smoking again. She admits to it, saying she should have quit a long time ago, as she's a nurse, and should know better. The phone rings then and Red picks it up. He has a short conversation with whoever is on the phone and hangs up. Kitty asks who was on the phone, and Red says it was his mother. Apparently his Uncle Paul broke his ankle, so she was going to church with them that day. Kitty gets upset about this, and tries to find any excuse not to take her, but Red keeps insisting that they have to take her. Kitty responds by going to the freezer, taking out the ham that was cooking, and putting the chicken in instead, complaining that she needs to do this as Red's mother hates her ham. Red tries to placate her by saying that he'll just call his mother and tell her that they can't make it. She says that they can't do that because his mother will only blame her. Eric tries to restore the family peace by offering to say that he's sick or something so they have an excuse not to have to take her. All Kitty says to this is for him to go upstairs and put on the shirt that his grandmother made for him, which is only contradicted by Red who says Kitty's acting ridiculous. To which Kitty says, "You know what's ridiculous is giving your mother our phone number." Red starts to get angry at this point and starts to say something, but is cut off by Eric, who says, "Hold it! Hold it! Ho - hold it. Now look, let's just stay calm. Mom, if it'll help you out, I'll hang out with Grandma so she'll leave you alone. What do you say?" Red responds by saying, "Well, first of all Eric, I'm the one who says hold it. When you pay the bills, you get to say hold it. Now get in the car. 'Cause we're going to church and we're gonna have a damn nice Sunday." As they are leaving the house, Kitty says, "Well you're damn right," Eric follows them out saying, "Damn," as well.
GRANDMA'S DRIVEWAY
Kitty and Red are waiting for Eric to bring his grandmother out to the Toyota. Eric and Grandma Bernice come out of the house, and Eric opens the car door for her. She gets in, and Eric shuts the door, and Bernice screams. Eric gets a bit panicked and opens the car door, to which Bernice replies that it was only her dress that got closed in the door and pulls it into the car. Eric very carefully shuts the door. Kitty tries to make small talk with Bernice, while she comments about how she hates their car, and how Red's brother, Jerry has a much nicer car and makes more money. Red only responds to this by saying, "Alrighty then," though he's looking pretty irritated at this point. Bernice then comments how she heard that Kitty quit smoking. Kitty confirms this happily, while a rather inconsiderate Bernice lights up a cigarette. "Well good for you," Bernice says, while turning and blowing smoke rings right into Kitty's face.
THE CHURCH
The Pastor is at the point in the service where he encourages a moment of silence, meditation, and prayer. Everyone stands up and prepares to pray. We hear the Forman's various thoughts…
Kitty, nervously: Dear God. Thank you so much for helping me quit such a filthy, disgusting, soothing, delicious habit, oh god I can't do this, no no! I'm fine! Amen.
Bernice, scornfully: Dear God, what's with all the poor folks?
Eric, looking rather panicked: Dear God, I don't mean to bother you on your day off, but, I promised to help out with Grandma, and I have a term paper due tomorrow, so if you could either, get her to leave early today, or burn down the school tomorrow…I mean, either or! God's choice. It'd really help me out, man. God. Lord. Uh, amen.
Red, while rolling his eyes: Dear Lord, would it kill you to give the Packers a winning season? Amen. Oh, and uh, watch over my loving family, blah, blah, blah…
THE BASEMENT
Hyde is sitting on his chair, and Donna and Kelso are on the couch. Jackie is on the back of the couch and Fez is on a tricycle, rolling back and forth across the floor.
A voice on the TV says, "Welcome to Worship for shut-ins."
Kelso, looking rather bored, says, "Change it."
Fez changes the channel, but a bowling show is on.
"Alright, change that." Hyde says, with a smirk in his voice.
Fez changes the channel again.
"How did we change channels before Fez?" Donna asks.
"I don't think we did." Kelso replies.
At this point Eric comes down the stairs, saying he has to work on his term paper. Donna asks him where his grandma is, and makes her hand into a claw, imitating a wild beast. Eric says she's in the bathroom, so he should have twenty minutes to half an hour to finish his paper. Donna asks him what the assignment is, and he tells her that it's supposed to be a thousand word essay on the 3 branches of the government and their functions, and sighs saying he'll never make it. Donna suggest he go back upstairs and tell everyone that he has homework to do, but Eric says he can't do that as he wants to keep peace in the family. Hyde responds to this by saying he wants the Hallmark card family.
"The what?" asks Eric.
"You know, Grandma comes over…" says Hyde, and a fantasy sequence begins.
Kitty, Bernice, and Red are in a 'Just For You' card, sitting on the couch. Hyde is talking for them.
"To my mother in law this beautiful Sunday. Your smiling face, your kind embrace, have made my home a happy place," says Kitty/Hyde.
Bernice/Hyde continues, "And I'm so happy you're the one to whom I gave my loving son."
"And I'm so happy you're both happy, 'cause otherwise life would be crappy." Red/Hyde finishes.
The fantasy sequence fades out and we are back in the basement.
Eric looks at Hyde and says defensively, "I don't want that."
"Yeah you do. I can see it in those wide, hopeful eyes. But the reality is this," replies Hyde.
The fantasy sequence fades back in.
Bernice/Hyde starts, "To my daughter in law. You took my son."
"You wrecked my life." Kitty/Hyde continues.
To which Bernice/Hyde replies, "You stole my youth."
"You hate my wife, says Red/Hyde, looking at his mother scornfully.
Kitty/Hyde continues, "I do my best."
"Well, that's a joke," retorts Bernice/Hyde.
"I'm going out," says Red/Hyde, as he gets up to leave.
Kitty/Hyde looks at Red leaving, "I need a smoke."
The sequence fades out again, and we are back in the basement as Red is coming down the stairs angrily, looking for Eric.
"Damn it Eric, quit hiding from your grandmother. She's old, she could die, now move it." Red says.
"I thought she was in the bathroom!" exclaims Eric.
"False alarm."
Red turns and goes back upstairs.
Donna looks at Eric, "Look. Go take care of your grandmother, we can do this." All the while she's thinking that if Eric were only more mature, he wouldn't find himself in this predicament. Though she also found it sort of sweet of him to help his parents by entertaining his grandmother. She takes his binder, and he heads upstairs.
After he's gone, Kelso inquires about how many words Eric has so far. Donna tells him that he has his name, date, and the class, a total of seven. Hyde looks at her, rolls his eyes about having to bail Foreman out his homework, and says he's screwed. Donna looks at him, sighs, and agrees. Kelso out of nowhere says, "Use his middle name." Jackie makes a comment about this being the reason she does her homework on Saturday. Hyde just says, "This is a moment Kelso. Pick it!" Jackie continues, "I think you all could learn something from me right now." "Moment number two," replies Hyde, holding up two fingers, all the while wondering how Kelso could be stupid as to date someone like Jackie. After all she was annoying as all hell… I mean, especially when there are much better fish in the sea. With that thought in mind, he glances in Donna's direction wistfully. Yeah, like Donna…oh boy, this whole being friends thing is just not working…dammit! Kelso interrupts this inner dialogue by saying, "Alright Jackie, we need to talk,", getting up and standing in front of her. Hyde, once again thinking how much of a lame wad Kelso is, starts doing a funny little Hawaiian dance with his hands while looking in his direction. "Neero neero neero…" says Hyde while still doing the dance.
Jackie deep in thought, doesn't even realize the insults being tossed her way. All of a sudden she comes out with, "You know what? I did the same paper last year in history. I think I got an A. You want me to go home and get it?"
Donna gets up, looks at Jackie with an expression that screams 'Well duh!', and says, "Lemme think. Yeah!"
Kelso interrupts Donna, picking this now inopportune time to try and break up with Jackie. He says, "Hold on Donna. Jackie, we need to talk about this whole situ… " He trails off as Donna's grabbed his arm and is twisting it around. Hyde just looks at Donna with a look of pride in his eyes. Donna glances back at him for a split second before turning to Jackie and saying, "Jackie, why don't you go ahead?" "Okay," Jackie replies and leaves.
Donna still holding Kelso's arm and twisting says to him, "Do not break up with her yet. Do you understand me?" She lets go of his arm, but grabs his face in a fierce attempt to get her point across. "Say you understand me!" Kelso says in his defense, "All this time I thought you didn't like Jackie…" At this, Donna pulls him down by the ears so that he's at eye level with her, and says intently, "Just don't break up with her yet." Kelso, getting a little scared now, replies, "Okay, okay, okay." "Alright," Donna relents and lets him go. Kelso takes this opportunity to follow Jackie out the door.
Hyde, looking at Donna, comes out with, "Hey, what do we need Jackie for, man? I know more about this stuff than she does. The three true branches of the government are military, corporate and Hollywood. I need a pencil, I've got it, I've got it!"
Donna just looks at him with a small smile on her face, thinking about how nice it is that Hyde's trying to help Eric with his homework. Unfortunately the poor guy has no idea what to write about the government. Still, just the thought that he's willing to give up his afternoon to help a friend is unlike him. He's been acting really not like himself lately…nicer somehow… And ever since we reached the arrangement be friends, we've been closer somehow…I mean he's always doing little things to protect me and make me laugh…so sweet… I wish he would just kiss me again like he did at the disco…just to see what it could be like…no, not again…these thoughts are becoming more and more frequent despite my best attempts to stop them…I mean, I'm with Eric now…what on earth am I gonna do…?
She forces these thoughts out of her mind, and opens the basement door to find Kelso and Jackie making out in the driveway. She screams, "Jackie, run!" and Kelso and Jackie rush away.
FORMAN KITCHENBernice, Eric, and Kitty are in the kitchen waiting for dinner to be ready. Bernice is smoking yet another cigarette. Kitty tells her that she hopes she's hungry because the chicken will be done soon. Bernice exhales and says, "I can't eat chicken. You know I have an irritable bowel." She then proceeds to take an exceptionally long drag of her cigarette while Kitty looks at her, tempted to have a smoke. "You should've made a ham." Bernice continues. Eric tries to change the topic by commenting on the church service, to which Bernice replies that the pastor talked to much about forgiveness, and that some people should never be forgiven. Eric starts to respond, but is cut off by Kitty, who says that some people don't need forgiveness, simply understanding. Eric responds to this by saying, "Oh to true. Have you seen God spell?" Bernice ignoring this, rants on about how such a promising brilliant man like Red could have…but never gets to finish her thought as Kitty gets up and tossing Eric a pleading look. Eric, sensing his mother's frustration looks at his grandma and offers to take her into the living room for a foot rub. Bernice agrees, gets up, and hugs Eric, who looks over her shoulder at this mother, who mouths a silent thank you to him. Bernice missing this interaction between her grandson and his mother pulls away and says to Eric, "Wonderful boy! Oh, look at how thin you are. Is your mother feeding you enough? You should come and live with me," and Bernice heads into the living room. Eric, still in the kitchen says, "Ha, ha, ha. NO." and follows her.
LIVING ROOM
Red is sitting on the couch watching the Sunday football game. When he sees Eric and Bernice heading into the living room he leaps up and makes to leave, saying, "Hi! I was just on my way to the garage to fix this…" He improvises and picks up a bunch of glass grapes. Eric sighs and tells his dad to just watch the game. Red looking dejected replies, "No, no. It's just the Packers," gets up, turns off the TV and leaves as Bernice is taking off her shoes. She looks behind her and seeing Eric asks where he had taken off to earlier. He tells her he was off doing some homework, which she agrees is important. Eric tries to tell her more about the homework he was working on, but she cuts him off by saying, "Eric, a little less talk and a little more rubbing." She then sits on the couch and puts her feet on the table, and Eric gets on his knees to prepare for the foot rub. : "You're the only one who's not afraid of my bunion," she informs him. Eric now looking rather repulsed and horrified, says, "Oh! Oh dear!" and starts rubbing her feet, while Bernice moans in delight. Fez comes into the room, and tells Eric that he'll be going home. Eric, desperate to distract his grandmother temporarily gets up and chases after him exclaiming,
"No, wait Fez, you haven't met Grandma!" Fez comes back in to introduce himself to Bernice. He says, "Oh, Hello Grandma!" and looks down at her feet excitedly, and proceeds to tell her that in his village they worship feet, and hers are a holy treasure. She asks him if he'd like to rub them. Fez looks to Eric hopefully, and asks, "May I?" to which Eric tells him to knock himself out, and leaves the room relieved to get out of the foot rub. Fez starts rubbing Bernice's feet and she moans with delight, and Fez gets a look of pride on his face.
FORMAN GARAGE
Red is listening to the game on the radio when Eric walks in. "Hey Dad." Red looks startled, and leaps up hammering the paint can, trying to look busy. "Damn it Eric! Don't sneak up on a person like that when they're doing this," he says irritated, and bit defensive. He hammers the can some more and asks Eric how it's going in the house. Eric tells him that he rubbed her feet, to which Red comments that that was a brave move. Eric then asks him if he's coming back inside, to which Red replies that he loves his mother very much, but he just can't talk to her or spend any time with her. Eric tries to make him feel guilty by reminding him that he was in there rubbing her feet, but Red just tells him that sometimes you have to play through the pain. Eric doesn't understand this, and asks, "What?" Red admits that he had no idea what he meant by that, and tells him to just go back inside. Eric tosses over his shoulder as he leaves the garage, "Right."
THE BASEMENTHyde and Donna are still sitting in the basement trying to work on Eric's paper. In the meantime, both are kind of drifting off every so often, and tossing little glances and smiles at each other, which each hopes the other misses. Donna is holding a pen in her hand to write down ideas for the paper.
Trying to concentrate on the task of Eric's paper at hand, Hyde starts to talk as he paces the room, "With their sugar coated ideals designed to anesthetize the ignorant masses. Why? So that the military slash corporate branches can carry out world domination. Alright, read that back to me." He sits down and looks at Donna with a smile on his face.
Donna smiles back, clears her throat and says, "Okay. Woun woun woun woun, woun." She was so lost in thought, that she'd only caught about half of what he'd said and what she did catch didn't make any sense to her. Why doesn't he just kiss me already…I mean we're here alone...okay, okay, Bad Donna…think of Eric, your boyfriend…the one you're supposed to be helping with his homework…
"You didn't get that?" replies Hyde. She's been out of it all day, I wonder what's she's thinking about…could it possibly be about me..? How foolish is it to be thinking that? I mean we decided to be friends and everything, and she's probably concerned about Foreman's school assignment…Still she has been acting sweeter and more shy towards me since our talk, so I wonder…
His inner dialogue was interrupted by the very person that prompted them. "Alright, let's just use the encyclopedia." Yeah, that's good, Donna, keep you mind on the matters at hand…namely Eric's homework…don't think about how much you wish he would pull you close…damn!
"Oh, oh, you just wanna vomit up fact from an encyclopedia?" Hyde replies with a disgusted look on his face, pulling her out of her reverie. As sweet as she is, and as much as I want to pull her close…stop that line of thinking man! Anyway…sometimes the fact that she puts off my ideas kind of irritates me…that's good think of all the little things she does to annoy you that way you won't think of how beautiful she looks standing there to go get the encyclopedia to help her BOYFRIEND, Foreman…
"Yes." Donna replies, all the while wondering what the disgusted look was for, she was only trying to help a friend…BOYFRIEND Donna, Eric's your boyfriend, her mind takes that minute to remind her.
"Okay, fine. You know what? Vomit away, I will not be a part of this!" Hyde replies, not quite willing to admit to himself that she's not irritating him as much as he wants her to believe.
Kitty chooses this moment to come down the stairs, which breaks the tension between the two.
"Eric, are you down here?" Kitty asks.
"He's not in here Mrs. Forman," replies Donna, glad that someone came down the stairs at that minute, as her inner thoughts were slowly driving her insane.
"Donna, good. Why don't you come up and eat with us, I need all the help I can get." Kitty tells her.
Hyde gets up to follow them upstairs, not really wanting to be away from Donna, and figuring that the more people to distract Foreman's grandmother's attention, the better.
Kitty takes a look at him and says, "Not you Steven. Grandma doesn't like you." She proceeds to head up the stairs.
"You lucky bastard!" Donna says, as she can't stand Eric's grandmother any more than the rest of them. Secretly though, she's relieved to have an excuse to get away from Hyde for a while, considering the direction her thoughts had been taking.
"Well, what am I supposed to eat?" Hyde says with a rather sad, pleading look on his face. He knew being around Donna was a bad idea, but they were supposed to be friends so…besides, if he had to stay down here, he wouldn't get any supper, and he was getting pretty hungry.
"Um, you know, help yourself to the deep freeze," replies Kitty, and she heads up the stairs.
"But everything's frozen…" he responds.
Donna stays behind for a minute to tell him, "Don't worry, I'll bring something down for you."
"Thanks," he says shyly, with a look of appreciation on his face.
With that, Donna turns and follows Kitty up to the kitchen.
Hyde figuring it would be a while before Donna could escape from Foreman's grandmother, decides to take Kitty up on her offer to help himself to the deep freeze. He finds a bag of fries, then looks around wondering where he could cook them. Finally his gaze lands on the dryer. "I have a dryer!" he says to himself.
THE DINING ROOM
Eric, Kitty, Red, Donna, Fez, and Bernice are sitting down to dinner. Red compliments Kitty on her cheesy potatoes, and she thanks him. Donna chimes in on the compliment, and Eric responds by saying that they make the potatoes every time his grandmother comes over because they know how much she likes them. Bernice replies to this by saying that they make her sick because she's allergic to dairy. Fez looks at her in sympathy and says, "Oh, how sad." Red, once again getting irritated by his mother's actions says, "Ma, this is Wisconsin, you're not allergic to dairy." A rather bitter Kitty responds, "Well maybe she's just allergic to my dairy." Donna trying to smooth things over, and point out the obvious lie Bernice just told tells her that if she's allergic to dairy, she shouldn't be putting cream in her coffee, because cream is dairy. Eric just looks at her and says, "Donna, I just, no, no…ok?" "You shut up, Eric," Bernice replies, then looks over at Donna again, "Who the hell are you?" she bites out. Eric tells her that it's Donna, and that she's known her for sixteen years, but Bernice only responds by saying, "I have not. Anyway, I like your new friend better," and looks in Fez's direction. "The feeling is mutual." Fez replies. Red, trying to escape from the rest of dinner starts talking between bites of food about hearing some non-existent raccoons in the garage, then gets up to leave. Kitty rushes off next, saying, "Well, um, I couldn't eat another bite. I've had enough." Then Donna says, "I'm going back downstairs. Excuse me." She gets up, grabs a bun and puts some chicken in it for Hyde, and takes off. Eric, left in the kitchen with his grandmother and Fez says, "So, what say we watch Laurence Welk, uh, Grandma?" Bernice just looks at him with a smirk on her face, and replies with, "No, I'm going to watch Laurence Welk with my new friend." She turns to Fez expectantly. "You up for another foot rub, Desi?" Eric just looks at her with a shocked expression on his face.
THE BASEMENT
Hyde is sitting on the dryer waiting for his fries. It rings and gets off to remove them. "Oh! Fry time!"
Eric and Donna come downstairs as Hyde is opening the dryer and taking out the fries. The bag is hot so, he's tossing it from hand to hand so it doesn't burn him. "Ooh! Hot! Hot!" he exclaims.
"What are you doing?" Eric asks.
"Um, just working on your report here and having some fries." Hyde responds, and looks at Donna.
"Here Hyde," Donna says to him, and hands the chicken sandwich over. "You didn't need to cook those fries in the dryer you know, I told you I'd bring you something."
Eric looks at Donna wondering why she would go to the trouble to bring Hyde dinner, but doesn't say anything. Just another of a series of gestures that Hyde and Donna have been making for each other since their talk a couple weeks ago… They have been acting all buddy buddy ever since, I wonder what's going on with them…
"Yeah I know, but I was pretty hungry and I didn't know how long you'd be so…" Hyde says to Donna, and trails off smiling into her eyes. She smiles back. Eric doesn't see this as he's still lost in thought.
Eric decides he's probably just being paranoid, and breaks out of his reverie saying, "You put French fries in my mother's dryer?"
"Yeah well, the fish sticks are too flaky, so I… nah." Hyde replies in his defense, but realizing how stupid his explanation sounds trails off.
Jackie and Kelso finally return to the basement after their excursion to get Jackie's paper earlier. Kelso's hair is all ruffled, and his shirt is on inside out.
"Finally! Where have you guys been?" exclaims Donna, glad they are back so that they can finish Eric's report.
Kelso, feeling kind of out of place looks down at his shoes and mutters, "Um, we had to look for the paper, and eat and then some stuff happened, you know."
Eric looks at him with a mix of irritation and amusement and says, "Your shirt's inside out."
Kelso gets all excited and boastful and belts out, "Yeah, that's the stuff!"
Donna, trying to get back to the matter at hand asks Jackie, "Where's the paper?"
A rather contrite looking Jackie replies, "Right, ok, see, it wasn't on the three branches of the government, it was on the four food groups!"
"Ok, look. My dad's got the world books, I'll just run next door and get G." Donna replies, while rolling her eyes. Why do I hang with them? Don't they know anything? I mean they can't even keep their hands off each other long enough to help a friend…
"Ohh, I'll go with you." Jackie replies, completely oblivious to Donna's thoughts of her. She turns and runs out the door.
Donna turns to Kelso, and says with derision, "You can break up with her now." At that, she turns and leaves.
"You know, I'm tired of everyone trying to tear me and Jackie apart!" exclaims Kelso, completely forgetting his earlier desire to break up with her.
However Hyde wasn't quite so forgetful. He chimes in with, "Moron! Everyday you say you're breaking up with her!"
Kelso takes off his shirt to turn it right side out, exposing a big purple hickey in the process and screams, "Well, you guys don't know her like I do!" Noticing all the guys staring at him strangely, he looks down and sees the hickey and makes a desperate belated attempt to cover it with his hands. He continues with, "I mean, it's not just about fooling around! She buys me stuff!"
Hyde looks at him and sneers, "She hovered your chest man!"
"You know what? I don't care anymore. All I wanted was a little help with my paper and you've done nothing." Eric replies, and looks at everyone with disgust.
"We put your middle name in." Hyde retorts in a smart-alecky voice.
Eric leans over to see it.
"Jean-Claude?" he replies with a puzzled look on his face.
"Yeah, that's two words." Hyde replies with a smirk.
"You guys suck. Just thank God for Donna." Eric replies, his frustration evident.
Donna and Jackie choose this minute to walk back into the basement.
"Ok, bad news." Donna replies sadly, and with a great deal of irritation. "My mom sold some at a garage sale, but we have B, X, and R."
Kitty comes downstairs at this point, desperate for a cigarette, and to escape from Red's mother.
She exclaims, "Alright, alright, now you listen up. I have had an extremely stressful day. And I am not proud of what I'm about to say, but someone give me a cigarette. Now!"
Eric, trying to defend himself and his friends replies, "But mom, we don't smoke!"
Kitty, not in the mood for any of Eric's nonsense retorts, "Cut the crap, Eric! I am a nurse. I know that one in five teenagers smoke. One, two, three, four, five! Now, I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them there had better be a cigarette between these two fingers! Come on people, hop to!"
One hand comes up and puts a cigarette between her fingers.
"Thank you! Light!" she exclaims, with a bit of relief.
Five lighters come up to offer her a light.
Red comes down and shakes his head at Kitty in shame, "Kitty, kitty, kitty."
Kitty gives Eric the cigarette and he puts it into the freezer.
Kitty looks at Red and tries to gloss over her misdeed. "Well, there you are Red!" she exclaims.
"Ma said the cat bit her, so I'm down here looking for it," he replies, obviously fishing for an excuse to escape having to see his mother.
"Dad, we don't have a cat." Eric replies, pointing out the obvious.
"That's what I thought" Red says, but makes no move to go back upstairs. Instead he comes the rest of the way into the room and sits on the couch to watch the game, and everyone is still.
Kitty half-heartedly says, "Well, you know we really, we shouldn't leave your poor little foreign friend up there alone with Grandma." Then she sits down too and continues, "Really, it's, it's kinda nice down here."
Hyde, taking the hint sits down as well. He offers her the fry bag, and she grabs one.
THE FORMAN DRIVEWAY
Red, Kitty, and Eric are ushering Bernice to the car. Bernice undergoes a major personality change and says,
"Oh, thank you for a wonderful dinner." Kitty tells her that's she's so very welcome in a false sounding voice.
"Well, now, I hope I wasn't any bother." Bernice continues. Red, also in a fake voice replies with, "No, Ma, you're no bother. You're as welcome as… flowers in May." Eric looks shocked by this, and is tempted to say something.
"Oh, here Bernice, I wrapped up some chicken for you to take home." Kitty says, and hands her the dish. Bernice thanks her, and says she hopes that Kitty put some of her cheesy potatoes, in with the chicken, because Kitty knows how much she loves them. Eric decides that it's time to say something and comments that she said she was allergic to them earlier, but Red cuts him off mid-tirade and says, "Eric! It's been a perfectly nice Sunday. Let's not spoil it." Red and Bernice go and get into the car at this point, and Bernice says to Red, "Sweetheart, I hope I didn't make too big a deal about my allergies." Red starts to reassure her, seeing no point in making a scene with his mother, "Oh, no Ma. He's a kid! He, uh, overreacts." Bernice all of a sudden gets an excited look on her face and says, "You know, this is the cutest little car! I just love it!"
THE BASEMENT
Eric is working on his paper, and Kitty heads downstairs. Eric is counting the words on his paper to make sure he has enough words, "Eight hundred twenty-five, Eight hundred twenty-six…" Kitty asks him what he's doing as it's already one o'clock in the morning. He tells her he's just finishing some homework, and asks her what she's doing down in the basement. She tells him that she came down to have a smoke, pulls one out, and proceeds to light it. Eric just tells her that he wishes she wouldn't smoke. Kitty just tells him that she promises it's her last one, and thanks him for helping out with his grandma that day. Eric asks if he can ask her something, and she says sure. Eric then asks her what his grandmother has against her. She confides to him, "Well, about twenty-five years ago your father was dating this very attractive well-to-do woman that your grandma liked, and he married me instead. And she never forgave me." Hearing this, Eric can't help but exclaim…"That bitch!" which causes Kitty to start laughing. Eric joins in.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Bernice and Fez are watching Laurence Welk.
Fez turns to her and asks, "Now, who is the lady with cotton-candy dress?"
Bernice responds with, "That's Norma Zimmer, the Champagne Lady!"
"She's very talented."
"And see those two dancing? That's Bobby and Cecile. I like his tight pants. Oh, she's a slut."
"You know, I have seen this show before but the band leader was much more masculine." Fez replies, then starts saying something in Spanish.
Bernice turns and looks at him.
"Oh, bubbles!" Fez exclaims, and turns back to the TV.
