CHAPTER THREE
When spike awoke the next morning he had a crashing migraine, he was sure the pain was there in his sleep causing him to never dream, he sat back on the sofa, he hadn't slept up stairs for a while, he didn't want to go where she had looked so peaceful and most beautiful, where his nights were full of hate and violence.
His thoughts wandered as he sat and took a breathe, putting his head between his legs, holding his head
He wanted to loose it all, his unlife his sanity, none of it made any difference any more, nothing was important, he would gladly step outside into the morning sun he'd welcome the brief peaceful seconds before he awoke in hell. God he wanted desperately to die, just to get away from the continuing cycle that was his nightmare, the only thing that stopped him, what was it…. he thought…. sometimes he forgot the promise he had made then the only thing stopping him from laughing and being free was a nagging feeling, eating up his insides to remember, and when he did he'd curse himself for forgetting, but that nagging feeling that eats away in the pit of his stomach was getting weaker every time he forgot and soon he wouldn't feel anything except guilt and shame at what he was and what he had done and then, then bliss and nothing would matter not even his promise or that he never received affection from his beloved.
He just wanted peace just like every other dead man, he couldn't stand the fact that all faces from his memory past, and old pictures where all beginning to resemble her face.
He thought he was going mad, soon he thought he'd be an animal, or maybe he would just give in and leave, he could anytime, just leave, walk out the door and never return, it would be easy, just to eat off a human being, to give in and pour all that frustration and descent of a hundred years into the warm sweet neck of some beautiful young thing, it would be glorious.
Spike closed his eyes and imagined for a moment himself doing this, and there was no one in the world to stop him now, when he came to Sunnydale he was an extremely hard and resourceful vampire who could have taken on any one or anything, he even came half and half with the greatest slayer of all time. And now, now my god it would be wonderers to see how he measured up to everything else, even the slayer of today wouldn't be able to match him now and demons would except him again because of how terrible and devastating he would be, and vampires, vampires would worship him, he would be a god to them, vampires came decades before asking him if he was indestructible, if he had found the secret to prevent a stake to do its damage, or if he had found the legendary ring of Amara, they where all young vampires no old masters left he'd be the oldest and the strongest, he could hold dominion.
But he couldn't do any of this his heart wouldn't allow him, he couldn't bring himself to even leave Sunnydale, what would have been the point to his past sacrifice, it should have all been unthinkable, but he was still a demon, even if he only had thoughts of vice he was still a demon.
But even a demon was a victim to love, and his well that's all that kept him from doing what he did, it kept him from bathing in the blood of the world, to defend Sunnydale and stay put, and he would stay put, not to prove his point to a girl that was not only dead a hundred years and who hated him, who told him he was revolting and disgusting rather than tell him she cared just a little, he did it because he loved her and he if he loved her he had to love Joyce and Dawn and all of the people they cared about and knew not to mention there descendants.
That's why he stayed to prevent harm and if Buffy was looking down on him from time to time, she could perhaps sympathise a little and not look at him as a pathetic monstrosity, that he had evolved.
But he new she did look down on him, this was all a precursor to hell, sort of a purgatory especially made up for him, to truly live out his love, until there was no more love he could give, and then after perhaps millenniums he would finally go to hell and the devil would say to him 'told you so' and he would cry out while being consumed for all the rights he had done, he would cry out in terror as he would be burnt and tortured by all those he killed, human and demon alike.
But he would rather have this fate dealt to him right now rather than to go back now, he'd come to far.
And so he grabbed an axe of the floor "see you tonight, boys and girls" and walked out the door for another night of patrol.
When spike awoke the next morning he had a crashing migraine, he was sure the pain was there in his sleep causing him to never dream, he sat back on the sofa, he hadn't slept up stairs for a while, he didn't want to go where she had looked so peaceful and most beautiful, where his nights were full of hate and violence.
His thoughts wandered as he sat and took a breathe, putting his head between his legs, holding his head
He wanted to loose it all, his unlife his sanity, none of it made any difference any more, nothing was important, he would gladly step outside into the morning sun he'd welcome the brief peaceful seconds before he awoke in hell. God he wanted desperately to die, just to get away from the continuing cycle that was his nightmare, the only thing that stopped him, what was it…. he thought…. sometimes he forgot the promise he had made then the only thing stopping him from laughing and being free was a nagging feeling, eating up his insides to remember, and when he did he'd curse himself for forgetting, but that nagging feeling that eats away in the pit of his stomach was getting weaker every time he forgot and soon he wouldn't feel anything except guilt and shame at what he was and what he had done and then, then bliss and nothing would matter not even his promise or that he never received affection from his beloved.
He just wanted peace just like every other dead man, he couldn't stand the fact that all faces from his memory past, and old pictures where all beginning to resemble her face.
He thought he was going mad, soon he thought he'd be an animal, or maybe he would just give in and leave, he could anytime, just leave, walk out the door and never return, it would be easy, just to eat off a human being, to give in and pour all that frustration and descent of a hundred years into the warm sweet neck of some beautiful young thing, it would be glorious.
Spike closed his eyes and imagined for a moment himself doing this, and there was no one in the world to stop him now, when he came to Sunnydale he was an extremely hard and resourceful vampire who could have taken on any one or anything, he even came half and half with the greatest slayer of all time. And now, now my god it would be wonderers to see how he measured up to everything else, even the slayer of today wouldn't be able to match him now and demons would except him again because of how terrible and devastating he would be, and vampires, vampires would worship him, he would be a god to them, vampires came decades before asking him if he was indestructible, if he had found the secret to prevent a stake to do its damage, or if he had found the legendary ring of Amara, they where all young vampires no old masters left he'd be the oldest and the strongest, he could hold dominion.
But he couldn't do any of this his heart wouldn't allow him, he couldn't bring himself to even leave Sunnydale, what would have been the point to his past sacrifice, it should have all been unthinkable, but he was still a demon, even if he only had thoughts of vice he was still a demon.
But even a demon was a victim to love, and his well that's all that kept him from doing what he did, it kept him from bathing in the blood of the world, to defend Sunnydale and stay put, and he would stay put, not to prove his point to a girl that was not only dead a hundred years and who hated him, who told him he was revolting and disgusting rather than tell him she cared just a little, he did it because he loved her and he if he loved her he had to love Joyce and Dawn and all of the people they cared about and knew not to mention there descendants.
That's why he stayed to prevent harm and if Buffy was looking down on him from time to time, she could perhaps sympathise a little and not look at him as a pathetic monstrosity, that he had evolved.
But he new she did look down on him, this was all a precursor to hell, sort of a purgatory especially made up for him, to truly live out his love, until there was no more love he could give, and then after perhaps millenniums he would finally go to hell and the devil would say to him 'told you so' and he would cry out while being consumed for all the rights he had done, he would cry out in terror as he would be burnt and tortured by all those he killed, human and demon alike.
But he would rather have this fate dealt to him right now rather than to go back now, he'd come to far.
And so he grabbed an axe of the floor "see you tonight, boys and girls" and walked out the door for another night of patrol.
