Saying Goodbye
Part 20
Susan
I'm still sat in the lounge, haven't moved since Kerry came and went. It sounds selfish, but I'm too exhausted to move. I tried to get some sleep, I knew that it was impossible, but I thought that if I went to sleep I could escape, and that when I would wake up, everything would be OK. But no matter how hard I tried, my mind wouldn't let me rest.
I take a long hard glance at the clock on the wall. It's ten to seven. Morning has finally come, and daylight is beginning to filter through the window. It's a welcome sight. The darkness only made it worse, made it feel like there was no hope, that we were bound to this place forever.
I muster all the energy that I have left, and manage to pull myself away from the sofa, and over to the door. I have no idea what's about to confront me. I've been in here all night. Mark had come in around 5am, and told me about Chen. None of us thought it could get any worse, but we've been proven wrong.
I didn't have enough emotional strength to go and see her. I knew that she was still conscious, but I just couldn't see her, not with knowing what would happen, and knowing that I couldn't help her. Maybe that was why I hid in the chapel, because I couldn't force my self to deal with a situation that I would have no baring over.
I have no idea of Abby's condition, I can only hope that no news is good news. But then no news could mean that she didn't make it. Everyone could be so caught up in their grief, that no one told me. I twist the handle and silently pray that everything is OK. I walk out into the ER, and see that Mark and Elizabeth are still sat in chairs. Beyond them is trauma one. I head towards Mark.
"How is she?" I try to hide the fear from my voice, try to hide the fact that I'm scared. I don't know why, because I know that everyone else feels the same.
"She's still hanging on, but it's not going to be long" He pauses for a brief moment. I don't even know why I asked, I didn't need him to tell me, but nevertheless I did. He continues, "You should probably say your goodbyes now, me and Elizabeth did a few minutes ago"
That was something that I didn't expect. I was finding it hard to take in and just stood there for a few long moments, ones that I will never forget. I move my stare to the doors of trauma one. Saying goodbye would be so final. In a way it would be us giving in, losing all hope. I had told many people before about saying goodbye, and I never really understood how hard it was. But now it was me on the other end, and it was something that I would have to do. I didn't want to, because I didn't want to admit that this was it, this was how it was going to end, but I knew that I had to, I knew that I would regret it if I didn't. And I needed her to know, I needed her to know that it was OK to leave, and that she wasn't alone.
I slowly made my entrance into trauma one, silently letting the doors close behind me. I didn't want to disturb the peace, disturb the atmosphere. Carter was still at her side, still clutching her hand. He looked up to acknowledge my presence, and for a split second we made eye contact. I could see all the sadness, the fear and the loss in his eyes. He knew why I was there, and I knew that he too didn't want to admit it, but he did. And this was recognised as he got up and headed to the door, obviously to give me some time to say my goodbye. Before he made it to the door, I grab his hand. He stopped, and looked towards me. I saw a lone tear escape from his tired eyes. I pulled him into an embrace, hugging him tightly. It was a simple action, but it comforted us both. He pulled away, and left the room. I returned my gaze to the lonely body lying in front of me. I still couldn't believe that beneath all the tubes and equipment was my friend. I moved to be by her side, and gently took her hand. I didn't know what to say, instead I just let the tears flow, until finally, I said my goodbye.
Kerry
I tried to comfort Susan the best I could, but I guess it just wasn't enough. I had managed to push my guilt to the side when I went into the lounge, but I left with it firmly reinstated above my head.
I tried to keep my hope alive, but Susan's words hit me hard. I could hear her voice echoing around in my head over and over. I couldn't get rid of it, and my guilt started to eat me once again. I left the lounge and headed into one of the suture rooms. I didn't even bother to switch on the light, I didn't see much point to it. Darkness had already descended over the hospital, and there was no fighting it.
I found a secluded corner, and hid away for the rest of the night. At about 5am, I heard one of the doctors come down from the quarantine ward. I though it would be about Malucci, but it was Chen. I know that we don't exactly see eye to eye, but that doesn't mean that I don't care.
I thought that this had gotten as bad as it could, but I was wrong. This really was hell, and there was no way out. This evil was claiming lives, and fast. Carter, Malucci, Randi, they had all fallen victim, and then there was Abby. Even she knew my guilt. And I know she blamed me, I saw it in her eyes when we were in trauma one together. If only I could turn back the clock, I could change everything, make everything better, back to how it should be. I could make it so that none of this ever happened. But that's impossible. But then who would I be doing that for? For them, or for me? It would be for me, so that I would be absolved from all the guilt. And that's what's destroying me. Instead of admitting the guilt, I try to get rid of it in any way possible. And that makes me selfish.
I look down at my watch, through the haze of tears in my eyes. I wipe them away. It's five past eight in the morning. I grab my crutch, and use it to pull myself from the floor. I head to the door, about to find out how deep my guilt goes. It's going to be with me forever, but if she doesn't make it, then I don't know how I'm going to live with myself. I suppose I have to face it head on. I made a decision, the wrong decision, and now I have to live with the consequences, along with those I have forced onto everyone else.
I walk out into chairs. I see Mark, the expression on his face not a good one. I feel his eyes, along with Elizabeth's, burning into me with blame. I don't know whether that's how they really feel, but that's the impression that I get and it's a pretty good assumption. The look in his eyes tells me all that I need to know. That it's not looking good. I make my way to trauma one, just as Susan is leaving. I see her red-rimmed eyes, and tear stained cheeks. I know what I have to do, and it's going to be the hardest thing that I have done. I know that I have to once again admit my guilt, but this time to Abby.
I sit down by her side, and for a moment remain in silence. I bow my head to the floor, and close my eyes. I somehow find the courage, and release the burden above me. Through broken sobs, I admit it, in the only words that I have to offer, "I'm sorry"
Carter
I stare at the lifeless body in front of me. I would give anything to change places with her. She doesn't deserve this. But I know that it can't be done. I'd give anything, everything, just to have a few more minutes with her. Just to tell her how much I love her, how much I care. I can't hold back the tears anymore. I squeeze my eyelids shut as tight as I can, just to try and stop them from falling, but its no use. They escape and make rivers down my cheeks, stinging as they go. That's a feeling I wish wasn't there, because there's no kidding myself that this is a dream. The pain forces me to reality, and it's one that I don't like.
We've been through so much together, that it doesn't seem right for it all to end now. But there's nothing that I can do, nothing that anyone could do to save her. Maybe a cure will be found, but I know that it won't be in time to save Abby. And I have to keep telling myself that.
I take her hand in mine, and squeeze it as tightly as I can. I want her to know that I am there, that I have kept this promise, that I'm not letting her die alone. I rest my head upon her chest, my tears soaking through her scrubs. The heart monitor is clearly displayed in front of me, and I can now visibly see her heart slowing down, and the tone becoming merged. My hope is fading, and its being replaced by a sense of loss. I close my eyes and finally admit to myself that it's time to say goodbye.
"I'm sorry" I pray to god that she can hear me, I need her to hear me, "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you" The tears continue to come, my emotions still raging inside me. "I want you to know" I pause, the torture of saying goodbye breaking my heart "That I love you, and always will" I finally let myself go, and let the emotion take over. "Wait for me in heaven" and that's my final goodbye.
Well guys hope ya liked it!!! Bit of a cliff hanger there! Is Abby gone or not? Who knows!! Next part here soon, keep reading and reviewing, u guys make my day!! : ) Rainbow345uk
Part 20
Susan
I'm still sat in the lounge, haven't moved since Kerry came and went. It sounds selfish, but I'm too exhausted to move. I tried to get some sleep, I knew that it was impossible, but I thought that if I went to sleep I could escape, and that when I would wake up, everything would be OK. But no matter how hard I tried, my mind wouldn't let me rest.
I take a long hard glance at the clock on the wall. It's ten to seven. Morning has finally come, and daylight is beginning to filter through the window. It's a welcome sight. The darkness only made it worse, made it feel like there was no hope, that we were bound to this place forever.
I muster all the energy that I have left, and manage to pull myself away from the sofa, and over to the door. I have no idea what's about to confront me. I've been in here all night. Mark had come in around 5am, and told me about Chen. None of us thought it could get any worse, but we've been proven wrong.
I didn't have enough emotional strength to go and see her. I knew that she was still conscious, but I just couldn't see her, not with knowing what would happen, and knowing that I couldn't help her. Maybe that was why I hid in the chapel, because I couldn't force my self to deal with a situation that I would have no baring over.
I have no idea of Abby's condition, I can only hope that no news is good news. But then no news could mean that she didn't make it. Everyone could be so caught up in their grief, that no one told me. I twist the handle and silently pray that everything is OK. I walk out into the ER, and see that Mark and Elizabeth are still sat in chairs. Beyond them is trauma one. I head towards Mark.
"How is she?" I try to hide the fear from my voice, try to hide the fact that I'm scared. I don't know why, because I know that everyone else feels the same.
"She's still hanging on, but it's not going to be long" He pauses for a brief moment. I don't even know why I asked, I didn't need him to tell me, but nevertheless I did. He continues, "You should probably say your goodbyes now, me and Elizabeth did a few minutes ago"
That was something that I didn't expect. I was finding it hard to take in and just stood there for a few long moments, ones that I will never forget. I move my stare to the doors of trauma one. Saying goodbye would be so final. In a way it would be us giving in, losing all hope. I had told many people before about saying goodbye, and I never really understood how hard it was. But now it was me on the other end, and it was something that I would have to do. I didn't want to, because I didn't want to admit that this was it, this was how it was going to end, but I knew that I had to, I knew that I would regret it if I didn't. And I needed her to know, I needed her to know that it was OK to leave, and that she wasn't alone.
I slowly made my entrance into trauma one, silently letting the doors close behind me. I didn't want to disturb the peace, disturb the atmosphere. Carter was still at her side, still clutching her hand. He looked up to acknowledge my presence, and for a split second we made eye contact. I could see all the sadness, the fear and the loss in his eyes. He knew why I was there, and I knew that he too didn't want to admit it, but he did. And this was recognised as he got up and headed to the door, obviously to give me some time to say my goodbye. Before he made it to the door, I grab his hand. He stopped, and looked towards me. I saw a lone tear escape from his tired eyes. I pulled him into an embrace, hugging him tightly. It was a simple action, but it comforted us both. He pulled away, and left the room. I returned my gaze to the lonely body lying in front of me. I still couldn't believe that beneath all the tubes and equipment was my friend. I moved to be by her side, and gently took her hand. I didn't know what to say, instead I just let the tears flow, until finally, I said my goodbye.
Kerry
I tried to comfort Susan the best I could, but I guess it just wasn't enough. I had managed to push my guilt to the side when I went into the lounge, but I left with it firmly reinstated above my head.
I tried to keep my hope alive, but Susan's words hit me hard. I could hear her voice echoing around in my head over and over. I couldn't get rid of it, and my guilt started to eat me once again. I left the lounge and headed into one of the suture rooms. I didn't even bother to switch on the light, I didn't see much point to it. Darkness had already descended over the hospital, and there was no fighting it.
I found a secluded corner, and hid away for the rest of the night. At about 5am, I heard one of the doctors come down from the quarantine ward. I though it would be about Malucci, but it was Chen. I know that we don't exactly see eye to eye, but that doesn't mean that I don't care.
I thought that this had gotten as bad as it could, but I was wrong. This really was hell, and there was no way out. This evil was claiming lives, and fast. Carter, Malucci, Randi, they had all fallen victim, and then there was Abby. Even she knew my guilt. And I know she blamed me, I saw it in her eyes when we were in trauma one together. If only I could turn back the clock, I could change everything, make everything better, back to how it should be. I could make it so that none of this ever happened. But that's impossible. But then who would I be doing that for? For them, or for me? It would be for me, so that I would be absolved from all the guilt. And that's what's destroying me. Instead of admitting the guilt, I try to get rid of it in any way possible. And that makes me selfish.
I look down at my watch, through the haze of tears in my eyes. I wipe them away. It's five past eight in the morning. I grab my crutch, and use it to pull myself from the floor. I head to the door, about to find out how deep my guilt goes. It's going to be with me forever, but if she doesn't make it, then I don't know how I'm going to live with myself. I suppose I have to face it head on. I made a decision, the wrong decision, and now I have to live with the consequences, along with those I have forced onto everyone else.
I walk out into chairs. I see Mark, the expression on his face not a good one. I feel his eyes, along with Elizabeth's, burning into me with blame. I don't know whether that's how they really feel, but that's the impression that I get and it's a pretty good assumption. The look in his eyes tells me all that I need to know. That it's not looking good. I make my way to trauma one, just as Susan is leaving. I see her red-rimmed eyes, and tear stained cheeks. I know what I have to do, and it's going to be the hardest thing that I have done. I know that I have to once again admit my guilt, but this time to Abby.
I sit down by her side, and for a moment remain in silence. I bow my head to the floor, and close my eyes. I somehow find the courage, and release the burden above me. Through broken sobs, I admit it, in the only words that I have to offer, "I'm sorry"
Carter
I stare at the lifeless body in front of me. I would give anything to change places with her. She doesn't deserve this. But I know that it can't be done. I'd give anything, everything, just to have a few more minutes with her. Just to tell her how much I love her, how much I care. I can't hold back the tears anymore. I squeeze my eyelids shut as tight as I can, just to try and stop them from falling, but its no use. They escape and make rivers down my cheeks, stinging as they go. That's a feeling I wish wasn't there, because there's no kidding myself that this is a dream. The pain forces me to reality, and it's one that I don't like.
We've been through so much together, that it doesn't seem right for it all to end now. But there's nothing that I can do, nothing that anyone could do to save her. Maybe a cure will be found, but I know that it won't be in time to save Abby. And I have to keep telling myself that.
I take her hand in mine, and squeeze it as tightly as I can. I want her to know that I am there, that I have kept this promise, that I'm not letting her die alone. I rest my head upon her chest, my tears soaking through her scrubs. The heart monitor is clearly displayed in front of me, and I can now visibly see her heart slowing down, and the tone becoming merged. My hope is fading, and its being replaced by a sense of loss. I close my eyes and finally admit to myself that it's time to say goodbye.
"I'm sorry" I pray to god that she can hear me, I need her to hear me, "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you" The tears continue to come, my emotions still raging inside me. "I want you to know" I pause, the torture of saying goodbye breaking my heart "That I love you, and always will" I finally let myself go, and let the emotion take over. "Wait for me in heaven" and that's my final goodbye.
Well guys hope ya liked it!!! Bit of a cliff hanger there! Is Abby gone or not? Who knows!! Next part here soon, keep reading and reviewing, u guys make my day!! : ) Rainbow345uk
