*A big thanks to Adam, Matt and Jessi for their help*

Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the wizarding dream. About me. About you. About the way our wands fit right into the bends of our hands. About that special feeling we get in the depths of the dungeons, right in Snape's classroom, maybe right inside my cauldron. Maybe in the herbs. Maybe in the potions. Maybe even in those vials we get. We don't know.

I'm just a regular Joe without a real job

I'm your average white halfblooded slob.

I like Hogwarts, and Quidditch and things to explore

I've got an average house, with a password locked door.

My broom and my books, my owl and my scar

My wand in my hand, and a nice flying car.

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a boy like me interested!

(oh no) No way (uh uh)

No I've gotta go out and have fun

At someone else's expense.

(Oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

I do crazy things on the Hogwarts train

And people all over believe I'm insane.

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole.)

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole.)

I throw fits during potions, and I jump my seat

I fly around on the Quidditch field saying "Malfoy don't cheat!"

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole.)

I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole.)

We like to go off into forbidden places

While my invisible cloak covers all our faces.

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole.)

I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole.)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song

Ranting and raving and carrying on.

Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong.

Naaaaah!

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a flying Ford Anglia, blue, with invisibility spells and dents from that damn tree, and ancient spider hairs sticking out of the spoiler, yeah! And I'm gonna fly around in that baby at 200 kilometers where all those Muggles can see, sucking down Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans in non biodegradable Styrofoam packaging and when I'm done sucking down those rotten jellybeans, I'm gonna wipe my mouth on Dumbledore's cape and then I'm gonna toss those Styrofoam containers right out the side of the car and there aint a god damn thing anyone can do about it. You know why? Cuz I've got the scar.

Two words, lightening fucking bolt, ok? Durmstrang, Beauxbatons, the Salem Witch Institute, they can have all the wizardry they want. They can have a big wizarding cakewalk right through the middle of Diagon Alley, and it won't make a lick of difference because I've got the scar, okay?! Sirius Black isn't dead, he's frozen. And as soon as we find someone to rewrite that book, we're gonna thaw out Snuffles and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever touched an electric fence? Well multiply that by 15 million, and that's how pissed off Sirius is gonna be. I'm gonna get Sirius, and Remus Lupin.

(Hey)

And Moody.

(Hey)

And Kingsly.

(Hey)

And Norbert the dragon, and drive through the Forbidden Forest.

(Hey, you know you really are an asshole)

Why don't you just shut up and sing the song pal?

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E

Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf

Fung achng tum a fung tum a fling chum

Oooh Oooh

I'm an asshole and proud of it!