ER - *DAWN OF TOMORROW*

author- pogo (email me a review at pogoER2385@aol.com!)

disclaimer- My pockets are empty, these characters are not mine, nor is anything to do with ER. All I own is an ER coffee mug.

Spoilers- I don't think there are any.maybe some dialog for A Thousand Cranes, but I hope everyone's seen that one by now!

Characters: JC/AL/a little Susan too

Timeline: I guess it's somewhere between when Carter almost-proposed and before Gamma dies.

Summary: Carter has some tough decisions to make. Includes downhill slides, moments of redemption, rediscovery of the people that matter, and all of that good stuff; please read and review for me!

***Special Note: This is going to be long, because this is the fic I work on when I'm uninspired for my current larger work, so if you don't like long stories, don't read! LOL But I do promise I'll try & make it worth the wait.

-chapter one- crossroads

He lies awake, unbeknownst to her beside him. Watching her shallow breathing; the steady rise & fall of her form beneath the cover of the cotton sheets, assures him of the deepest part of her sleeping pattern.

Her face is calm, relaxed. It's a rare thing to behold, and he takes guilty pleasure in being able to enjoy it most every night. She looks like an angelic doll, to him. One like the expensive kind his parents used to bring from Europe for his sister. Beautiful, with her hair falling, slightly waved, as it lays over her ear & down her soft shoulder, and her skin a pale white in the light from the windows.

Sometimes, like right now, he wishes only to touch her; to confirm that she's really real, really there with him. But he hesitates this time, not wanting to wake her from her tranquil slumber.

Watching for a moment longer, he wants to be able to freeze moments like this in time. He could store them away to help them both through those times in their lives when things are less than this serene.

Sighing the last of his sleep away, he turns over beneath the warmth of the covers & rises as quietly as possible so as not to awaken her.

Leaving the cozy bedroom behind, he walks to the kitchen of her apartment. Running a hand through his tousled hair as he passes the clock, it bleeds a bright red sequence of numbers, announcing the early hour as if a death sentence to a lowly victim.

His bare feet walk the cold tile floor as he pads to the coffee maker & starts a fresh pot with all the noise of a stealthy mouse.

Flicking on the switch, he grips the edges of the sink & lowers his head, closing his eyes to the steady drip of the coffee pot.

It had been a night without sleep for him. Even beyond their normal time spent together, he laid awake deep into the early hours of the morning. Watching the shadows traced on the wall from the street outside, watching the small hands of the alarm clock on the dresser creep in the continuous circle, watching her dreams, watching her move closer to him in her sleep, as if seeking something in being next to his body, in her place nestled against his chest. He'd allowed her to; entranced by her subconscious desire to be nearer to him.

How long had it been now, a year? A full year that they'd been together, since they'd found the right time, the time when everything was as it should have always been.

He wasn't sure what was more unbelievable, the fact that they finally got together, or the fact that they were still together today. After all that had happened in the past 365 days; everything that seemed like their own undoing and here they were.it was still so natural, so automatic, so comfortable that she wanted to be near him even in her sleep.

He doesn't wait for the full pot to brew, & instead pulls it off when there's just enough for a cup. Opening the cupboard to his left, he finds his mug in its usual place, next to hers. Cupping the green stoneware mug in his palm, he shuts the door & removes the pot from its place on the warmer. Filling it as much as the content would allow, he replaces the pot & moves to the small square beech wood table. Dragging out a chair from beneath, he sits with his black coffee & watches the slowly rising suns rays creep into the open space of the living room to his left.

The progress isn't notable fast enough, so he turns back to his coffee cup & the swirling black hole inside, the liquid melding & steaming, the scent of coffee grounds wafting up to his nose. He hoped the strength of the unadulterated brew would be enough to awaken the rest of his senses, since they were slow to rise in following of his body & mind.

It was cold, in the apartment. The morning air outside still chilly despite spring's final debut in Chicago; but he didn't feel it. Instead he saw in his mind a warm summer day on the beach, one of those tropical places with a name you can't pronounce. Maybe they both needed to get away; perhaps he should take her on a vacation. Someplace with crystal blue water, snow white sand, and those little punch drinks with bright paper umbrellas in them. If only he could take her away, where no one would find her, nothing could mess up their peace like the dawn of a new day always seems to. If only to go somewhere where she could be free from her family. If only for a week, somewhere where she could let her troubles go.

Somewhere where he could hear her laughter, he could see that smile she gives him only when she is really, truly free. That extraordinary grin that makes his heart feel like it could leave his chest.

He needed to see that again, it had been too long. He feared that the only way to do so was to just leave it all behind them.

But that wasn't exactly easy.

Nothing was easy anymore.

What if, he thought to himself, what if they could just run from it all? What if he called the travel agent & had her book two first class seats on the first flight to Belize going out this morning? No one would know where they went, or when they were coming back, no one could find them.

But, he knew bliss would have to end, as it inevitably always does. When which they would return to the whirlwind of drama & commotion that is their lives in Chicago.

The daylight slowly peeks in the windows, gradually making its way between the maze of crevices between the city buildings & into the reach of the apartment, embracing it in a warm, wakening glow. He stares out at the world beyond from his place at the table.

This has become his home. Where she is, he feels most comfortable, most relaxed. More so, even than at his own apartment, or at his Grandmother's house where he grew up; it's as if every time he stays away, he learns how much he truly belongs here.

Surrounded by her things, though admittedly a mix of his own has accumulated between them in the past year; it's as if he finds a sort of comfort by being surrounded by all things 'her'. It is within these walls he feels needed, wanted, loved, accepted for who he is.without question. Within this space he has spent so much time that when he closes his eyes he can hear the echoes of their laughter, he can hear her cries, and the words he used to reassure her. He can feel the emotions that swirl in this place like much like one can feel a storm brewing on a humid summer evening, it hangs in the air.

And in the past year he's realized how much he had been missing without her. How many gaps were in his life, and all of the feelings he'd never known he could have for someone.

She had been the key; she had been his best friend, his obsession, his savior, his one true love.

She could never truly know what she meant to him, no one could ever fully understand, not even he himself.

"Hey, I wondered where you'd disappeared to." a soft voice speaks from behind his ear as he feels two small forearms rest on his shoulders as she clasps her hands across his chest.

He doesn't startle when she speaks, instead he reaches up to take her hands in his own, and in return feels her put her head against his. He can feel her smiling as she kisses him above his ear.

"Couldn't sleep.." She hears him apologize.

He hears her almost inaudible sigh; she tries to conceal it, but he still feels the shift in her body language. "The offer?" she asks, getting it in one.

He grins slightly at her penchant for reading his mind. "Have you been taking lessons from Madame Loraine on the corner?" he asks, tangling his fingers with hers on the table before him & referring to the local curbside psychic.

"It was supposed to be a secret." She teases quietly, straightening up behind his chair, but letting him keep hold of her hands. She watches him lace his fingers through hers, his palms against the backs of her hands. He runs his thumbs back & forth on the insides of her palms.

"What do you think?" he asks, searching for her take on the situation.

Abby rests her chin on the crown of his head, unhappy with the position he's put her in once more.

"I can't answer that." She replies, noticing the coffee inside his mug is dark enough to be black. He must be troubled, she knows, not to add his usual cream & sugar.

"I know; I just wanted to see if you'd humor me at this early hour." He confesses, trying to crack a smile.

"John.." She calls gently, a bit of a warning.

"I know, I know. It's my decision, only I can make it. I can't let anybody else influence what I want." He recites, repeating all of her usual answers. But he's searching for something more this time, than the just the customary supportive platitudes.

She seems to know this, simply by his tone, and she replies, "I would do whatever I thought would make me happiest."

"Not much of an answer." he replies, unsatisfied as he gives her fingers a squeeze.

"Well, what do you want me to say?" she sighs, pulling her hands from his & taking them back, he feels them graze his shoulders lightly as she moves away.

He turns to watch her go, and she crosses to the countertop where the now finished pot of coffee sits on the warmer. He watches her movements, first to the cupboard where her mug resides, then to the one on the right that holds the creamer. Everything she does is ritualistic, steps of her casual morning habit, but he finds himself just as entranced as ever, following her with his eyes.

She's wearing one of his long sleeve shirts; the casual blue one with the last button missing; her favorite. He'd worn it to work yesterday, so he assumed she'd claimed it as her own when she'd found it on the dresser this morning. She'd pulled her hair back in a makeshift bun, doubling a ponytail in under itself through the elastic band, but several strands still hung free around her face as she worked over the mug of coffee.

Finished adding her creamer, he watches her cross to the silverware drawer, drawing it open & fishing out a spoon, then tapping it shut with her hip. The familiar, trademark action always made him smile.

That was his Abby alright.

She sets the mug down across from him on the table, then draws out a chair of her own, sitting face-off style, to him.

"I want you to tell me what to do." He finally answers as she pulls her chair closer to the table & slips her hands around the coffee mug.

Looking up to meet her eyes he sees a bemused look on her face. "What?"

"Tell me, what I should do."

"You're asking for my advice?" she translates.

"I'm asking for your choice.."

"I can't." she shakes her head, emotionally pulling away. "I can't do that John."

"Just tell me what you want me to do." he urges. "I trust your judgment."

She meets his eyes & adamant replies "I won't make a choice like that for you."

"Abby, what I choose might affect both of us. I need to know what you want."

"Whatever makes you happy, you shouldn't be stuck somewhere where you won't be satisfied."

He smiles at the thought, "Wherever you are is where I'm satisfied."

"You don't work here." She argues. "You need to be sure whatever choice you make; it's something that you want, not just because you think I'd prefer."

"Would you come with me?" he asks, tentatively. He quickly takes a sip of his own rich black coffee so he has an excuse not to elaborate further, or beg.

She laughs softly at the question, "And leave Weaver?"

"Leave it all behind. You & me."

"Don't you think they have all the same problems at Northwestern?" she reminds him. "I heard they've genetically engineered a Kerry clone, so they can have the same power mongering, time efficient, warm & fuzzy chief of staff that we do."

"Then we'll leave town." he muses, his voice wistful as he looks almost past her in his daydream fantasy.

"I'm sure." she laughs, pushing the errant strands of her hair from her face & watching him. She knows the decision of staying or leaving County is gnawing at him, as it has been for the past two days since he got the offer from Northwestern's ER. She can see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch; something isn't allowing him to be himself. The turmoil that his indecision is causing him upsets her even more than it does him.

Secretly, she hopes he'll decide to stay where he is. She knows inevitably that things would change between them, if he left & she stayed on. As much as they would try, things would become different. It would create too much distance for two people who needed each other so badly. Inside, she's scared to let him go, as if the small change in the balance they had achieved would cause more disturbances in their already tempestuous relationship. But she would never tell him such things; she isn't willing to let him know how dependent she is on him.not yet. Nor does she want him to feel as though he has to stay somewhere because of her.

She hopes that he will come to the conclusion that he wants to stay to be with her; not to be there for her or because he has to, all on his own.

"Don't you ever wish you could?" he asks after a time, looking back at her.

"Could what? Leave town?"

"Leave it all behind."

"Just about every other second." she answers.

He notices the slight hesitation, the nervousness in her voice. She's uncomfortable with the discussion.

"So would you come with me?"

Abby looks down at her coffee cup, studying the small ripples she creates in the liquid by rocking it gently between her hands. It's a loaded question, since he's not talking about running away anymore. She doesn't want to answer; because if she says no, it will seem like she doesn't care about him. But if she concedes, she'll seem needy.

So she decides to turn the tables on him, be evasive & put him in the hot seat.

"What would you want me to do?" she asks innocently.

Watching his response, she sees a slow smile creep across his face at the sound of his own words coming back at him. He rubs his unshaven jaw with one hand, looking for any rejoinder he could think of. She enjoys this, watching him search for words, losing at his own game. He tries his best to look thoughtful, though with his tousled head of hair from a sleepless night and his unshaven countenance, he looks more playful than thoughtful.

"Fair enough." He concedes after a moment. He knows that, despite the complaining, she takes pride in her work, and her position as Nurse Manager at County. "I shouldn't have put you in that position."

She leans forward, resting her forearms on the table & looking at him. "No, you shouldn't have." She grins, then becomes more serious. "You'll figure it out John, just take some time. Let them know you'll have your decision in a week."

"A week?" he croaks at the thought. "They want to know by Friday."

At this her face falls, they want an answer from him in two days. "Why the rush?"

"They need to know if they should put an ad in the annals, start a nationwide search."

"So.take the day off. You need time to think it over."

He shakes his head as he pushes his chair back & stands up. "I've been thinking about it for the past two days..and I'm still back where I started."

Unsure of what exactly that is, she asks. "And that's.."

"I want to stay on at County, but I don't want to have to sit around waiting for an attending slot. Northwestern has an open position now, and is willing to pay me more for fewer hours."

"Right," she agrees, "but you have to work nights for the first two months straight."

"But I'd have a stable position."

"You have a stable position at County. Do you honestly think that Kerry would let you go after all these years?"

"You think she wouldn't?" he laughs uneasily. "Nothing's for sure these days."

"Nothing's ever for sure." She reminds him gently, looking up at him where he stands across the table, his hands gripping the back of the railed chair so that his knuckles turn white, as if he needs something to hold on to.

"I have to figure out my priorities. All I know right now is that I want to be with you, and I want to be where I'm needed.and I'm not needed at County."

"You're always needed at County." She nags, reminding him of the desperate straights the hospital seems to always be in.

"But I don't want to have to be a moonlighter or an ICU doc until a position opens up. I don't think I could stand not being in the ER."

"You could consider that a getaway." She suggests, trying to lighten the mood.

He shakes his head slowly & picks up his coffee cup from its place on the table. "That's not the kind of escape I had in mind." He confesses with a forced smile. "Leaving to go to Northwestern would be a big step."

She watches him walk to the sink & empty out what little remains of his mug's contents.

"A big change." she confirms, her mind hinging on the word 'change'. Mostly due to their discussion a few months ago **we're growing.we're changing.**

He seems to hear the word too.being especially sensitive to it since it was the undoing of his almost-proposal this past February. He stops in place, at the sink with his back turned to her, and nods slowly.

"I'm not sure if I'm ready for that big of a change.." He admits, before turning around, & leaning back against the counter.

She raises her eyebrows, a bit surprised by such a confession, & takes a moment before answering softly. "We never know if we are until we already have."

He nods once more, understanding her logic. He knows she's trying hard to keep an impartial stance. She doesn't want him to think she's trying to tell him what to do, or how to do it.

"I guess not." He sighs, moving his hands up & rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

Abby pushes her chair away from the table, stands up.

Carter pulls his hands away after a few seconds to see her standing in front of him, her eyes conveying her concern for him. He affects a hapless smile, bracing his hands behind him on the counter.

She doesn't smile back though; instead she's searching for something in his expression. A clue into why this is bothering him so badly. Why his eyes are dark & his face is lined from lack of sleep, his whole body language reading restlessness, fatigue.

"Are you okay?" she asks finally, putting a hand on his right arm.

He looks down at the space between them, before meeting her eyes. "Am I making this into something bigger than what it is?"

She smiles at his concern, "It's not something you can take lightly, even if you wanted to."

"I just want to make the right choice."

She nods now, giving his arm a squeeze. "You will."

"Thank you." he mutters down to her out of the blue, his voice suddenly very earnest.

Frowning at his serious tone, she laughs. "For what?"

"For listening to me ramble.." He elaborates, leaning back on the counter & drumming his fingers on the edge.

She laughs softly. "There's nothing I'd rather do early in the morning." she confesses as she slips her arms through the space between his own & his chest & steps closer.

He smiles; loving the feeling of her holding on to him, wanting to be near. At least he knows he's needed here. He feels her kiss his chest lightly before settling her cheek against his t-shirt. Taking his hands off the counter, he leans back against it & puts his arms around her small shoulders, one hand fingering the collar of the shirt that she wears at the nape of her neck.

"You look good in this." He acknowledges, with a grin.

"Really.." He feels her smile against him.

"Oh yeah.Probably better than I do." He confesses honestly.

"Well I'd keep it, but that'd mean I'd never get to see you wear it." she muses, then looks up at him & adds playfully, "and that wouldn't be any fun."

He smiles that boyish grin that makes his eyes dance like an enchanted child. He leans down over her & waits till they're millimeters apart, before muttering, "They always say it's good to share."

She can't help but giggle. This close to him; & for all their serious conversation, it all came down to talking about sharing his shirt. He smiles back at her, until he can't take the distance a moment longer. He ends her laughter by capturing her lips with his.