-chapter two- Searching

"Abby?"

"Hey." Abby turned in her chair to see Susan walking through the door of the lounge. She had been sitting at the table, chewing on the end of her Bic pen as she planned out next weeks nursing schedule & calculated everyone's clocked hours for the past few days. It had been quiet in the ER, so she had taken advantage of the rare peace to finish up the paperwork she would otherwise have to take home with her.

"Anything new out there?" Abby asks, inquiring to the current patient load.

"Nothing exciting, Gallant's stitching up an eighty year old man who fell off his unicycle in Lincoln Park, but that's about it."

"Just another day at the office."she agrees, turning back to the schedule in front of her.

"What are you up to?" Susan asks, noticing the paperwork as she walks to the refrigerator & stands with the door wide open as she peers inside, searching for her lunch.

Abby watches Susan poke at a blue Tupperware container on the top shelf as if the contents might be alive & jump out at her.

"Just fulfilling my managerial duties.." She answers as Susan fishes deep into the reaches of the fridge & returns to the land of the living triumphantly, with a brown paper bag in hand. Abby notices something scrawled across the front of it in bold black magic marker.

As Susan tosses it onto the table across from her, it becomes readable.

"SUSAN'S" the tall block letters read, with a line below warning, "TOUCH THIS AND DIE" and below that a crude sketch of a skull & crossbones.

Abby smiles at the display of her friend's exemplary communication skills.

"Why do that, when you can play Jerry's Board Darts out there?" Susan gestures in the direction of the admit desk.

"Have you seen Jerry throw those things?" Abby asks. "Yosh found one in the phone booth yesterday."

Susan drags the opposite chair out from the table & sits down heavily. "That's a good point."

Abby turns back to the blank grids of her schedule as Susan unfolds the top of her brown paper bag, withdrawing the components of her mid-day meal from inside.

"That jerk." she hears her hiss.

Abby looks up to see Susan's cross expression.

"Who?"

"Your boyfriend, that's who."

"What?" Abby laughs.

"He stole my Twinkie!!" Susan accused, scanning the empty bag once again to make sure she hadn't missed it. "He's been doing it for the past few weeks."

Abby laughs at her friend's dessert dilemma. "It couldn't be Carter, he didn't come in today."

Susan glances up from unfolding the plastic wrap from her bowl of salad. "He didn't? I thought he was on."

Abby nods, "He was. He took the day off to think over the offer."

Susan watches Abby for a moment, as if trying to remember. Her mind finally registers the conversation they'd had a few days ago, "Ah, the offer." then confesses, almost sadly. "I can't believe he'd really leave."

"Me neither.looks like you'll have to find someone else to blame about your missing Twinkie."

"Is he seriously considering it?"

Abby looks pensive for a moment, before responding, "I honestly think he is."

Susan's jaw drops at the thought. "Wow."

"It's really getting to him though." Abby confesses, her concern for him showing in her voice. "He's not been sleeping these past few days. I've actually gotten worried about him. He doesn't know what to do."

"That's a tough call." Susan agrees between bites of her lunch. "I mean it seems like a given, but there's just something about this old crummy place that keeps people coming back."

Abby nods. "It's like investing in a fixer upper."

Susan chews a mouthful of salad, "And that's sugar coating it." she laughs, stabbing her fork in Abby's direction. "What the devil does he think he's going to do without us?"

"I don't know. If he takes it he'll be working the graveyard for the first two months."

"Whoa." Susan laughs, "Big price to pay for posh."

"They have to find a way to afford those marble tiled bathrooms & the leather couches in the waiting area."

Susan laughs at Abby's rather grandiose description of Northwestern's ER. The County staff makes a habit out of glorifying the spoils of a private hospital emergency room, as opposed to the hard-pressed state funded one they call home. "You must have taken 'The Tour' with him."

"Part of it." Abby admits, explaining that Carter took her with him when he toured the facilities as a potential new member of the staff. She also adds the hints their Chief of Staff-tour guide dropped about needing another good ER nurse. "I think he secretly hopes I'd go with him." She confides.

"Would you want to?"

Abby looks away, glancing at the ceiling, at the door, & at the lockers nervously, before answering the question posed. "Honestly...I don't think so."

Susan nods, expressionless, waiting for her to go on.

"I like it here, and I'm glad for the position I've got. It gives me a little bit more cash and it's a couple more vacation days.and Weaver is flexible enough to work around my intermittent family episodes.I don't know if I could get that somewhere else."

"I don't blame you. It's hard to go somewhere new & expect the same comfort level you've achieved elsewhere. It's kind of like being the new kid on the playground & trying to get in line for the slide like you've done it before."

Abby twirls her pen idly between her fingers. "Interesting analogy."

"I'm trying to be poetic."

"So that's what you call it."Abby laughs softly.

Just then, the door bursts open & Malik sticks his head in. "Dr. Lewis, the junkie in 3 has a rash you should look at."

"He didn't have a rash thirty minutes ago. Are you sure he's not just scratching at his track marks?"

"He does now.and believe me, it's a rash." he informs her, before turning away, the door swinging behind him.

Susan turns back to Abby. "Great. I forfeit my hard earned lunch to go see some drug addict's skin irritation." She tosses her fork angrily into the Tupperware dish. Cramming it back into the fridge, she shuts the door & heads for the door.

She stops short though, before opening it.

"Hey, Abby?"

Abby looks up from her work to see Susan looking back at her. "Yeah?"

"I'm here if you ever want to talk.." She reminds her with a friendly smile. "Or if you ever want to go grab a coffee, or a movie, or go shopping.."

"I know..." Abby answers, returning the smile, "Thanks, Susan."

~*~*~*~

Staring out at the lake from his place at a small café on Lakeshore Drive, Carter watches several boats out in the bay drift out from their moorings & off into the openness of the waters beyond.

Change.

Did he really want to change? He was happy; at County.it wasn't a matter of being content. It was a matter of necessity. He couldn't stand the idea of not being needed. He hadn't went through four years of medical school and six of residency just to be towing the line as a third wheel on the staff. He had the insatiable desire to be where he was wanted, where he was counted on.and as an attending at County he would just be excess baggage.

"Reuben bagel sandwich with a side of potato salad?" the café waiter called to him.

Carter turned & nodded, then thanked the man.

Staring down at the food he'd waited fifteen minutes for, he realized he was no longer hungry. But for 7.50, he presumed he should at least force himself to eat his money's worth. Picking through the contents of his plate, he thinks over his options as he has all morning long.

Abby had left at eight, barely getting out of the door on time after he'd held her up.trying to find any reason to keep her only a moment longer, as if he couldn't be without her. He couldn't seem to let her go, not this morning. She had just laughed & told him she'd have it hard enough explaining to Weaver why he wasn't coming in, let alone coming up with an excuse as to why she'd been late, if he kept her any longer.

He'd been sad to see her go; mostly because he knew when she was gone, he'd be left alone.with just himself and the decision he has to make. When she wasn't there, it was just him & his thoughts, his choice.and the consequences he tried to foresee for each option.

When the silence of the apartment got next to him, he decided to get some fresh air. His wanderings throughout the city had brought him to the small café, Le Dans Foule, which translated to The In Crowd, which they had found one cold winter day when they'd been walking after work.

The inside was nice, a cozy little book & couch café complete with fireplace, but the deck overlooking the lake was its crowning glory. The small pier allowed the patrons to sit on a dock like overhang while waiting to be served, and while dining. There weren't many people there today, maybe because it was a Wednesday, but probably because it was well past the lunchtime hour for the working-crowd.

Managing to get halfway through the sandwich, he finally pushed it away with a sigh, unsatisfied by just about everything these days. He wondered to himself what he was looking for..this whole quest for purpose & meaning.

Is this what it is to have a quarter life crisis? Or was he just being melodramatic about it all?

Getting up from his wrought iron deck chair, he gathers the plastic basket tray & the half-uneaten meal that it contains, & walks to the trash can on the edge of the patio, tossing all but the remainder of the bagel; that, he folds into a napkin & puts into his pocket as he walks on further down the popular Chicago roadway.

Tossing it to the gulls that wade through the small grassy park-like stretch of the roadside near the water, he watches them battle for the prized bread. One near the back to the flock calls haughtily as if jealous that she can't get any of the goods. She sounds a lot like Chen to him, and he laughs at the thought. Humoring her, he tosses one toward the bird & she manages to scarf it down before her competitors.

Chucking one of the pieces a bit to the left of the group, he watches one of the scrawnier birds scurry over frantically to get to it. Just as he closes in within grasping range, a fat one swoops in & dutifully plucks the bagel piece from the blades of grass, leaving the skinny one hungry in his rather large wake.

Carter shakes his head, pitying the small dumb bird. It works the same way all the way at the top of the food chain. The heavyweights always get what they want, and the subordinates just keep plugging away, relentless in their fight to just keep moving forward & survive with what little they are given.

Finished with the hand-outs, several of them crow at him angrily, as if screaming for him to go get more. The others give in & shuffle off to go accost the next innocent human that comes through.

Turning away from the bunch, he checks his watch, realizing he's lost track of the time. The face of his Rolex reads a clear, unmistakable 4:45. Abby gets off at six, he knows, and since he's not quite ready to head back, he keeps walking.

A tour bus roars past, stirring the litter that has accumulated on the side of the street, no doubt on their way to or from the Sears Tower, or Michigan Avenue, or maybe Navy Pier.

Passing through, that's all their doing. A few days, a couple hours here & there.take some photos for the scrapbook, ride the Ferris wheel on the Pier, buy a Shedd Aquarium t-shirt, and they'll go back to the places they come from; an endless circle of strangers. That's all they were to him. They would never know the city, never know the horrors that such an urban mass produces. Sure, they would see the great things.the things that fill the pages of glossy travel brochures, inviting them to come explore the Midwestern metropolis, but they would never know what lies beyond, what lives in the shadows, the dark side of the city.

An Armani suited business man passes him, roughly shouldering him out of the way as Carter stops, in the middle of the sidewalk. The man's heavy cologne hangs, practically dripping from the warm air, even after he's passed. He's chatting away on his cell phone.buy this, sell that.what's the price on that one? Oh God no.Sell sell sell.and Carter wonders, despite his obvious riches & success.does he value his job? Is he fulfilling a purpose? Does he know what he wants??

The only thing Carter knows is that he himself has no idea. He walked around, unquestioning for the past year, serving as Chief Resident, he knew his place. He was serving in the position he'd always wanted, overseeing the residents, teaching med-students, and taking charge.

Now.well, now he didn't know what he was doing, what place he was filling. Funny how one day you wake up and it hits you like a two ton safe. What does he want?

He knows one thing, if nothing else. He knows that the one stable thing in his life has been Abby. She's become his rock, his security, his emotional safe-place. She's listened when he's needed to talk about the decision, backed off when she knew he needed space, and has always done her best to let him know she wants whatever he wants. He appreciates that, and wonders if he's truly let her know how much he does.

Watching the Armani man fade into the distance, briefcase in hand, he wonders if he has something so grand. Does he have someone he goes home to in the evenings? If he does, is it someone he argues with, or only talks business to, or is it someone he really, profoundly, loves?

Stepping to the curb, he hails himself a cab, and the yellow car pulls up to the sidewalk & turns the overhead light off.

Carter opens the back seat door & climbs in.

"Where to?" asks the driver.

Carter names Abby's apartment address, deciding to go back for a few things.

~*~*~*~

Turning her key in the lock, Abby turned the brass handle of her apartment door, with no response. The door doesn't budge. Groaning aloud, she shifts her purse & throws her hip against the green wood as she twists the knob on her second attempt. The added force does the trick & the door gives, allowing her access to the rooms beyond.

Making her way in, she removes her key ring from the lock & closes the door behind her, turning only the deadbolt.

Pulling her purse off over her head, she hangs it on the coat rack & steps further into the space between the living room & the kitchen, and calls out when she doesn't see him.

"John??"

No response. Apparently he's decided to stay out longer than she thought he would. A quick check of the bedroom & bathroom beyond validates her hunch. She sighs quietly into the empty space, then heads to the kitchen to find something to eat.

He's not right, these days. She knows the weight of the choice he has to make, but she hadn't counted on it affecting him to this degree.

When he'd come home last night he'd looked hollow, almost pained as if from the inside. She wasn't sure if it stemmed from the idea of having to leave all of the close friends he had at County, or the thought of not being in the ER if he didn't.

He'd barely touched his dinner, and had forgone his usual habit of reading the paper on the couch when she'd read a book, to take an early shower.

He had been distant, save the night, when his love for her had won him over. She was glad, that she was able to make him forget, if only for a little while to ease his mind, and to be in his arms. She was glad that, despite it all, he wasn't turning away. He had yet to close himself off to her, and she hoped he wouldn't this time.

Her search for food comes up fruitless, so she walks to the drawer of the desk in the living room where they keep the takeout & delivery menus that they've collected over the past year.

Finding one that sounds appetizing, she picks up the phone & calls, selecting the usual for both of them, just in case he hasn't eaten either.

Setting the phone back in its cradle, she hears his key in the lock & his own weight against the door to nudge it open like she had.

She crosses to the doorway to see him step inside.

"Hey." She calls.

He looks up from taking his keys from the door. "Hi." He greets her, a warm smile on his face upon seeing her there.

She notices his clothes, he's dressed in an old t-shirt and sweatpants, She eyes him for a moment, curious, "Where have you been?"

"Decided to go for a run." He confesses. "Needed to clear my head."

"I hope you didn't clear too much." She laughs, looking at his rather flushed face as he removes his sneakers & pick them up. He walks toward her & kisses her on the forehead. "I'm gonna go take a shower."

She wrinkles her nose playfully, & pushes him away with a hand to his chest. "Good idea." She affirms as he smiles & heads off. As an afterthought, she calls after him. "I ordered Uncle Yao's for dinner in case you hadn't stopped anywhere.I just got the usual."

"Sounds good." She hears him answer from the bedroom.

"It'll be here in twenty."

"I'll be out by then."

She watches him from behind, a fresh change of clothes in hand as he walks to the bathroom at the far end of the apartment. The door closes behind him & she puts her hands in her pockets, her mind reeling, mostly about him.something's off; she feels the change. As far as she knew, he hadn't actually went jogging since last fall, and then had only done so on an on & off basis.

Change, it can be wonderful, but just as easily it can be disastrous.

Walking over to the phone again, she finds the messages collected on the answering machine total a bright red flashing four. She hits the rewind button, & then lets them play in succession as she sorts through her mail.

"Hi, it's Abby. I'm not here so please leave a message.." The first is a lawn care company that apparently doesn't realize she doesn't have a lawn. She presses the blue delete button twice to erase the message. The second surprises her, as she hears John's grandmother's voice.

"Abby darling, is John there with you? I've been trying to call him but he won't answer at his apartment or his cell phone. Please let him know I called," there's a slight pause, and then, "Maybe you can get him to talk to me..thank you, dear."

Abby frowns at the message, wondering what that was all about, though she did have a vague idea. The messages resume.

"This is the Tribune calling about your subscription; we've got a special offer going on right now for only our most valued customers." Abby quickly fingers the blue button & deletes the message, the next is a phone company solicitor, and that voice memo meets the same fate as its predecessor.

"Message five; 6:35 pm." After a mechanical beep, Susan's voice breaks in. "Hey Abby its Sus', I just wanted to let you know.what I said earlier, I meant it. If you need to talk, about anything...I'm here, okay? Plus I got two tickets to the 7:00 showing of that new movie we were talking about for Saturday.let me know if you're in. bye!"

"End of messages."

Susan had been eager to go see the latest movie that contained a man from her self-titled, "Susan's List of Hotties". The list included, but was not limited to; Antonio Banderas, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford, Ben Affleck, and dozens of other big name Hollywood hunks. It didn't matter what the movie was about, or who else was in it, if it met her small criteria, she was ordering tickets & sitting in the front row. She had recently nominated, & then deemed Abby as her movie-pal, and so far Abby had endured seven movies in the past three months.

Abby had never been big on predictable movie romance, or fairytale portrayal, but it was fun. Not to mention that going to the theater with Susan was anything but boring. Once, upon viewing another one of Tom Cruise's most recent box-office bombs, Susan began throwing her JuJu Be's at the screen as he gave the leading lady a passion-lacking kiss, & she succeeded in landing a green one square on Tommy's chin.

Abby had to laugh at the memory of the uniformed usher glaring the bright light of his standard-issue-theater-MagLite at both of them, and giving them the customary warning, complete with the "Or I Will Be Forced To Remove You From The Premises" line. The two of them had affected their best "innocent bystander faces" as they were given the hushed lecture over the dialog of the movie, but couldn't control their laughter once the blemish- faced teenager, who had been no more than seventeen years old, had gotten out of earshot.

Now, evidently she had purchased two tickets to the newest flick on her list of "must sees". This time, it was "Phone Booth", the recently released Colin Farrell/Kiefer Sutherland vehicle, & last week it had been Pierce Brosnan in "Die Another Day." After which they had commenced in (Halle) Berry Bashing, within which the cab-ride home was filled with making fun of her consistently scantily clad character, Jinx.

"Is spandex really all that practical when you're saving the world?" Susan had asked thoughtfully.

Their easily-amused state had mostly been due to drinking too much Pepsi & eating too much sugar loaded candy within a two hour period, but it had been fun nonetheless. Not to mention a good way to lose the stress of the day full of trauma's at the hospital.

Susan had suggested that Abby bring Carter along one of these nights, but Abby was afraid Carter would think they'd both lost all control of their mental faculties if he saw them in action.

He seemed to be content simply knowing that the "Girl's Club" had been disbanded, after Abby & Chen clashed over a prostitute mother & the safety of her two children back in February. If he saw them both at the theater, he would learn quickly that Susan is one of those people who looks & seems drunk, simply when she's on a roll. All Abby knew was that she was thankful they didn't give breathalyzer tests at cinemas.

The buzzer from the door downstairs rings into the silence of the apartment & Abby jumps; caught off guard, before she crosses to the door & presses the speaker button.

"Uncle Yao's, I've got your order."

"Come on up." Abby replies, hitting the unlock button & allowing him entrance.

Pulling open the door a few minutes later, the delivery man greets her, "Hi, Mu Shu Pork, Yang chow fried rice & an order of spring rolls, that'll be twelve-seventy-five."

Abby hands the man the money & thanks him, collecting the brown paper bag & closing the door behind her as she turns back to the kitchen.

Unpacking the servings from their respective Styrofoam containers & onto real dishes, the lyrics to a quiet song drift through the room from the radio set underneath one of the cabinets over the counter.

She assumed that John's grandmother wanted to speak to him about the family Foundation, and that was why he was avoiding her, but she didn't know how she could convince him to talk to her. Last time she'd attempted to offer a fresh point of view on his family-business dilemma, she'd been firmly rebuffed & the otherwise pleasant evening had turned sour, ending in an argument.

She toyed with the idea of not telling him until after Friday, but then decided against it. She would hate herself it really hadn't been about the foundation & she hadn't told him. No, it had to be said, regardless of how much it added to the weight already on his mind.

"Something smells good." She hears him remark. Freshly emerged from the shower, he stands in the doorway between the living room & bedroom, shirtless, he idly ruffles his wet hair with the towel. He looks better, she notices. His eyes seemingly more open than they had been all day, his expression less ..harried; his baggy pair of gray cargo pants resting on his hips as he regards her from where he stands.

"I had a little help." She confesses teasingly, fishing the chopsticks from their place on the counter & setting them at either place on the table before sitting down.

He disappears from the doorway & returns moments later with a well worn green t-shirt on, and his hair still a damp mess.

Sitting across from her, he hears her ask. "So, how was your day off?"

He withdraws the bamboo chopsticks from the decorative paper sleeve & holds them over his food. "Good. I think it's what I needed. I had to get away to weigh my options. It's too hard to think about leaving while you're there in the middle of it all."

Abby nods slowly, fishing a piece of chicken from her Yang chow rice dish & stabbing at it with a single chopstick. Carter plucks one of the spring rolls from the plate between them & sets it on his own, next to his pork as he continues on,

"I'm still not fully convinced, either way. I can't help but think maybe I don't want either of them."

Looking up from the path she'd been tracing through the rice with her chopsticks, she frowns. "What do you mean?"

"What if I don't belong here, anymore? I mean, maybe after serving chief residency it's time to go somewhere else entirely. A fresh start."

"You're considering leaving Chicago?" she asks, feeling herself choke on the words. Why now, of all times, does he decide to get infected by wanderlust? She thinks to herself.

He sees her startled reaction, & tries to backtrack quickly. "It's just an idea, I doubt I would.and don't think I mean leaving you, because I wouldn't do that." His voice is firm on the latter, and he fights to catch her eyes, when he finally does, he adds decisively. "I mean it."

Nervous now, she nods quickly & shifts her focus back to her dinner; taking a sudden interest in the parallel char marks on one of the chicken strips.

"So instead you'd expect me to drop everything & go with you on your wild goose chase for happiness?" she finds herself muttering, annoyed by the thought.

His forehead gains a few more wrinkles as his eyes narrow, trying to understand. "You make it sound like a prison sentence." He says, and she detects a hint of laughter in his voice.

"You make it sound like an ultimatum." She replies, feeling cornered by all of these decisions that lie on the theoretical table. "I like my job, Carter." She informs him. "I don't want to just take off & start up somewhere else. It's not that easy. If you feel you have to, I won't stop you, but I can't just quit. I wouldn't want you to leave me, but I don't want to follow you that far either."

He nods, understanding. Once again he's put her in a hard place, not thinking of how she feels. He's put too much confidence in the idea that she'd never want to be without him..and he forgot she's not that kind of girl. "I'm sorry."

She rests her left elbow on the table & rests her cheek to her fist, averting her eyes from the table.

"I know that you have an important decision to make, but I wish you wouldn't do this to me." She confesses quietly, not meeting his eyes. Instead she picks at the plate in front of her for the rest of dinner.