Title: The Small Crusades of the New Last Scion

Author: Ashen

Rating: R for language

Spoilers: n/a

Disclaimer: Just borrowing, no money made. Ever

Summary: Bethany's now teenage daughter meets up with a shopping mall missionary.

Author's note: The character of Shelby was exaggerated for effect.

"Hi, my name is Shelby and I'm from the Resplendent Church of Ultimate Christian Glory. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?"

I was assaulted at point blank range in the middle of the mall with a highly personal question. All I could see is her WWJD bracelet as she handed me a pamphlet. Shelby was a pretty, pleasant faced girl about my age with bright eyes and shiny brown hair. The light of God, if one could proclaim to see such things, shone all around her. I felt the kinship, but it was tainted by what I knew was coming.

"I'm Rachel," I said quietly. "And I'm Catholic."

"Ah," she said, smiling knowingly. "Well, Rachel, on behalf of the Resplendent Church of Ultimate Christian Glory, I would like to offer you an invitation to renounce your heretical worship of the Saints and the Virgin Mary, and immerse yourself in the sole truth of Christ's love." Shelby leaned towards me as if sharing a highly confidential secret. "It's the only way to save your immortal soul."

I was silent, so she continued speaking.

"You're lucky, because you've already accepted The Lord into your life, but you're still unclean until have washed way all your old beliefs." Her voice was so matter of fact, as if she were explaining the process of carbon dating rather than the path to righteousness.

"I just preached to a pack of Hindus back in J.C. Penney's," she confided in me. " Boy, were they cranky. It just shows you the effect the lack of Christ can have on..."

Aw, hellllllllllllllllllll no, said a familiar voice. It was Rufus, the unsung thirteenth apostle standing at my shoulder, invisible to me, and invisible and inaudible to Shelby. Girl, you better set this ignorant bi-atch straight before she wakes up as a pillar of fuckin' sal t.

Watch your mouth, Pal, said the thickly accented voice of Serendipity the muse. Her presence was bright and fiery at my other shoulder. Or you'll find your ass stuck in my version of purgatory with cacti for toilet paper.

Woman, I ain't took a shit in more than 2000 years-

Guys, I can handle this...I told them mentally.

"Um, Shelby," I said, when the girl had finished her spiel. "Exactly what denomination of Christianity do you practice?"

KKK-ism...Church of the Fiery Fuckin' Cross...

Shh!

"We are relatively new," she said, smiling broadly, completely innocent to the debate inside my mind. "We call ourselves the Ultimate Christians, because we alone have discovered the one true path to God."

That arrogant little cultist ....

Quiet, Rufus, came Serendipity's melodious voice. Have faith in the last Scion.

"I'm ignoring the fact that you have shown a complete disregard for tact as you have stood here before me and blatantly insulted not only my religion, but also every other religion on the face of the planet," I say, albeit a bit imperiously, watching her face slowly blanch. "What I have to say is a bit more important."

"Your faith is admirable but your thinking is flawed. Do you really believe a God who created so much diversity in this world would allow only one path to righteousness?" She looked confused. I smiled and walked away, taking her pamphlet with me.

"Look, it's your right to preach the word," I said simply, over my shoulder. "But next time have a little more respect."

That's a my girl...