Chapter 4

//What in the galaxy am I doing here?// Alex wondered. Just six months a Knight and he was thinking about taking a padawan. He must be insane. No, Yoda must be insane.

Shock wouldn't be the word to describe what Alex had felt when this whole situation had been brought to him. He was already somewhat of an abnormality in the Temple. Knighted at the tender age of twenty-one, Alex had already been teased by several of the older Jedi Knights.

He certainly didn't think he was ready to take on a padawan, much less a padawan in such a situation as this. Why him? Why not some more experienced Jedi Knight? Yoda had simply told him he was qualified where it mattered, and that the Force had chosen him. Alex wasn't so certain. The only reason he was even agreeing to meet this girl was because of what he'd been told about her. He couldn't turn away from someone who needed his help, even though he wasn't sure he had much to offer.

When he had been told the story something stirred his heart. A young padawan, who held perhaps the strongest type of bond with her Master, had lost that bond. It had devastated the girl, and she wasn't coping well. The healers thought the best thing for her would be to have a new Master. Even more tragic the young girl wrongly blamed herself for her Masters death. When Alex had questioned Yoda about this, Yoda had told him that her Master had gone on a particularly dangerous mission and the Council had forbid her to take her padawan along. The padawan's Master had agreed, and Meri Irhanah was left at the temple. In an outbreak of violence, Meri's Master was killed, and the padawan blamed herself for not being there to protect her Master.

Alex shifted nervously from foot to foot as he stood outside the apartment. He was only here to meet her, he'd been told. It was just a meeting to test the water. The healer had seemed to want to assure Alex of that. Maybe he wasn't the only one who thought he wasn't capable of doing this. The question of "why me" still rang in his ears.

Across the hall the door opened and An-Paj looked out, before motioning the young Jedi Knight over. Alex took a deep breath, and walked slowly towards the healer.

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Meri stared at her hands, anywhere else but the healer's eyes opposite her. Her heart felt like it had been ripped to shreds, and totally torn in two. All she felt like doing was crying, constantly, but her stubborn nature kept her from doing so in front of An-Paj.

The darkness beckoned her. The darkness where all the pain was gone, and blessed oblivion took its place. Already a part of herself was hidden away in the deepest recesses of her mind, away from the pain, away from the anguish of it all. An-Paj would say she had pulled into herself, and was hiding from the world. She didn't care. She didn't care much about anything anymore.

"Meri?"

The soft voice of the healer brought her head up slowly.

"You know this is not your fault, don't you?" An-Paj asked gently.

Meri bit her lip and turned her head away. Her fault? Wasn't it though? If she had been there, things could have been different. Her Master might have lived. She wouldn't be alone now. She wouldn't be so afraid, so afraid to live. But she knew the answer he wanted from her. Slowly she nodded her head, her lips trembling as she tried to restrain the tears. A soft sigh was heard from the healer.

"There is someone here to meet you, Meri. Master Yoda thinks that this Knight should be you new Master."

Meri visibly flinched away at the word "Master" but otherwise kept silent, her eyes locked on her hands once again.

"I know it seems quick, but it's for the best, Padawan," An-Paj said quietly.

Meri again had flinched at the word padawan. Master, padawan, two words which had the ability to pierce her heart with pain. She had known something was about to happen because the healers had forced her to take a shower and freshen up. She hadn't been expecting this, though. They wanted to replace the person who had meant the world to her. As was usual for the habit she had fallen into, she didn't reply to the healer. However, she didn't realize her lack of words spoke volumes to the healer, and the roiling of emotions she projected spoke even more.

"This will not be easy for you, I know that. But please speak with him, he can help you." With those words An-Paj rose quietly from his perch on the couch, and went to the door.

Meri watched him go her face blank although her thoughts were going wild. He? It was a man? For five years, a woman had raised her. And just how could he help her? Could he mend her broken heart? One question she knew she didn't have to ask. In her mind, he would NEVER replace Ariana.

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There had only been a handful of times in Alex's life where he felt totally uncomfortable with a situation at hand. This--he could tell--was going to be one of those situations. Feeling a hand on his shoulder, Alex turned to see An-Paj looking at him. "She's hurting, and may not speak to you. Let the Force lead you on how to act," the healer whispered softly.

Alex nodded and stepped into the silent room. The young girl sat on the couch, her head tilted down. Unlike some padawan's she had chosen not to keep the short padawan haircut, and her dark hair fell about her shoulders. She didn't look up as he took a tentative seat on the couch next to her.

"Hello," he said his lilting voice soft.

At the sound of his voice, Meri lifted her head slowly, her brown eyes fastening on his. For the first time since he had arrived, Alex saw her face. Her skin was pale and accented by large dark circles under her eyes. Her face expression remained blank, but her eyes captured his attention. He'd heard the expression "eyes are the windows to the soul", but this was the first time he really saw what that meant.

At first he thought he saw a flash of recognition in the brown eyes, but he couldn't remember ever meeting her before, and brushed the idea away as his imagination. As her gaze continued, he met it, thinking she would certainly look down. To his surprise, she didn't and he didn't look away either. Gradually the room seemed to fade around him, and he forgot all about the healer watching. With a surge the Force gathered around the two, and suddenly Alex knew what the young girl before him was going through. Without understanding how, he knew what she had been thinking, how she blamed herself, and just how torn her heart really was. He knew of the sleepless nights, and knew that when she did sleep, she was plagued by nightmares. He could feel the despair, the anguish and torment that each day brought. He could sense that although she rejected the idea of a new Master, of him, that underneath it all she was crying out for help.

He realized that he wasn't getting all this from simply looking into Meri's eyes. For a reason he didn't quite understand, a brief connection had been formed between them. Curious, he tried something he was going to regret a second later. Grabbing onto the Force that stretched between them, Alex sent a thought, instead of speaking. //Meri?//

The result was almost instantaneous.

"Noo!"

The sharp cry echoed through the room as the slender teen bolted to her feet and fled the room.

The Knight's bright blue eyes dropped to the floor, and even though Meri had fled the room, and the connection had broken, Alex could still sense her emotional state. This puzzled him, but he was thinking more of the large mistake he had just made as he felt her churning emotions. //You've really done it now,// he thought with a sigh. He shouldn't have tried it, he shouldn't have pushed her.

To the left of him, the blue healer shifted slightly in his chair, reminding Alex of his presence.

"I'm sorry," Alex breathed; his head still bowed.

"I didn't mean to hurt her," he whispered softly into the silent room.

**

After watching what transpired between the two in front of him, An-Paj was halfway convinced Yoda had been right again. How the wise Jedi Master had known, the healer may never understand.

At the Knight's words of apology, An-Paj glanced up.

"No, Knight Arieh. I don't think you did. At least not any more than was necessary, but from your point of view....what just happened?"

Nervously Alex ran a hand through his thick black hair. "I don't know....I'm not quite sure how to explain it. It was just....I could sense everything she was feeling, and everything she'd been going through."

"The Force was strong between the two of you," the healer stated.

"That is where I made my mistake Master Healer. I...I tried to speak to her..."

"Through the Force you mean?" An-Paj questioned curiously. He'd felt the Force surging around the two of them. It was part of the reason he thought Yoda might be correct. An-Paj had spoken with many Masters, who had at one time or another said that when they first met their padawans-- before they even knew that the youth was the one--they had felt a strong Force connection. It was usually present between a Master and apprentice when they were destined to have a strong bond. He had a hard time imagining that could happen in a situation such as this.

"Yes, through the Force.." the Knight trailed off, his blue eyes troubled.

"That's when she fled." It wasn't a question, but more a thoughtful statement.

"Do you think she's all right?" The young Jedi Knight's concern was apparent in his sapphire eyes, as he glanced towards the room the teen had fled to.

An-Paj smiled softly. He could see that in one area Alex Arieh was perfect for this, if not in experience, he would be completely gentle with Meri. "She's upset, but rightly so. Do not blame yourself. I informed her why you where here, and she knows she is to have a new Master."

"If you do chose to accept her," the healer started carefully. "She is going to have to become used to a new presence and voice in her mind. This will not be easy for her."

"If I am the one to do this--I wouldn't want to take her Master's place," Alex said earnestly.

"Give her time, Knight Arieh. She will realize that soon enough," An-Paj said softly.