Chapter 5

After a few days of meditation, and serious reflection, Alex decided he needed to speak to An-Paj again. Apart from their first stormy meeting, he found he knew absolutely nothing about the young teen. His mind and his heart each were in opposition to the other on whether or not he should take this girl as his padawan. His mind told him he was too young, and that the responsibility was too large. It would change his whole way of life, and he didn't know if he was capable of such a responsibility.

His heart was another matter all together and was very active in the argument. Whether intentional on her part or not, he could not forgot what he had sensed from Meri Irhanah through the Force. For a reason he could not explain he was drawn to her; her wide brown eyes so full of pain and suffering no 14 year old should have to go through, and certainly not alone. //But do I have the ability to change that? Will she let me,// he wondered silently. He knew there was only one way to find out, and that was to take that chance. However, before he made his final decision he would meet with the Master healer. He wanted to know all he could about the girl Meri used to be; maybe, would one day be again.

It was with this in mind that the tall Knight later found himself sitting in An-Paj's office waiting to speak to the healer. He knew that he was here to make a decision, and the impact of that was not lost on him. Deep in thought, he almost didn't hear the healer enter.

"Knight Arieh, what can I do for you?" An-Paj asked pleasantly as he seated himself behind the desk.

"Please, call me Alex."

"Alex, then," the healer nodded, but said nothing further waiting for the knight to speak.

"I came here because, well, because I need to know about Meri Irhanah. What was she like before this happened? I need to know who she was, who she is."

An-Paj smiled softly. "I can't tell you as much as her Master could, but if her Master were here we wouldn't be having this conversation"

Alex only nodded, his face serious.

"Meri is very sweet natured, and is very serious about her training to become a Jedi Knight. As far as I know she was very obedient to her Master and the Jedi code," here the healer laughed softly. "But by all means that certainly didn't mean she never got in trouble, and when she did it often landed her in here. Do you know of Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi?" the healer paused to ask.

Alex's brow wrinkled in thought. "Is he Qui-Gon Jinn's padawan?"

An-Paj nodded. "Ahh, yes. Most Jedi have heard of Qui-Gon Jinn. To continue, Kenobi is a walking accident waiting to happen, and that accident only happens when Meri and Obi-Wan get together. They've been inseparable since the crèche, and I can't count the times they have gotten into mischief and managed to hurt themselves."

Alex grinned, "Was this only when they were young, or has it recently occurred?"

"Oh, there was a recent occurrence having to do with a punishment they received for something else. The two were assigned to scrub the marble floor in one of the hallways. They decided it would be fun to soap up the floor more than necessary and see who could slide the furthest down the hallway," An-Paj's face was amused as he related the story.

Alex winced; sensing what was about to come.

"Somehow or another, but not totally surprising considering who they are, they both managed to fall and hurt themselves at the exact same time. Padawan Kenobi broke a few fingers and received a twisted ankle. Meri on the other hand, had to outdo him as usual, and broke her arm."

"A tomboy?" Alex questioned.

"Definitely" the healer returned dryly. "Especially when younger."

"She doesn't look it now," Alex said absentmindedly. If the young Knight had been looking at the healer, he wouldn't have missed the sharp glance at his comment. In truth, it was the farthest thing from the young Knight's mind. Alex was wondering how the sad girl he had seen could ever have laughed and gotten in so much trouble, and he wondered what her smile looked like.

"No, she doesn't" An-Paj said calmly. "She'll be a very pretty young woman some day."

"Oh! No, Master healer! That's--Er--Um--that is not what I meant." The Knight's voice became very flustered as An-Paj continued to gaze at him steadily. "Oh--Uh--I'm not saying she won't be pretty--I mean--that wasn't what I meant."

The healer on the other hand was wondering why the young Knight was so flustered if it really was not what he meant. "Of course not," An-Paj said with a faint smile.

Alex sighed, and relaxed, wondering just how he'd been caught in *that* line of questioning. Thankfully the healer continued as if nothing had ever occurred.

"As I told you before, she was apprenticed to Ariana Caer at the age of nine. Again, I'm not the best person to ask about this, but I heard she did well in her classes."

Alex nodded thoughtfully, then asked the question that he'd wanted to ask. "How is she? Really?"

An-Paj sat back in his chair and folded his hands. "I don't know if I can say she is doing better, but from appearances it would appear that way. She talks whenever spoken to, but only when spoken to. She still hesitates to make eye contact, and unless you make a point of it she won't."

"But a point of it should be made?" It was half question and half statement, the Knight asking off an instinct.

The blue healer nodded. "Yes. If she doesn't look you in the eye, she won't have to show her emotion, and if she doesn't have to show her emotion she'll keep herself hidden away deep inside. That she made eye contact at your first meeting I found slightly surprising," An-Paj admitted.

"I don't think she wanted to, or had a choice," Alex said softly.

The healer shifted in his chair. "What do you mean?"

Alex shook his head, and smiled faintly. "I'm not sure. I've never experienced anything quite like that before."

"It 'was' interesting," An-Paj murmured.

Alex remembered something and his blue eyes turned to the healer. "She has trouble sleeping, doesn't she?"

Again, the healer nodded slowly. "We have her on medication for it, but I would prefer to have her off it as soon as possible. The dreams need to be dealt with, and not suppressed."

The room was silent for a few moments as Alex took in the new information. He already knew his decision, and a few moments later told the healer.

Taking a deep breath, he looked over at An-Paj. "Well, I just want you to know I've spent much time in meditation about this. I'm not entirely sure I'm the one to do this, and I'm not sure you think I'm the one to do this, either, but I want to try."

An-Paj smiled before shaking his head. "Do, or do not. There is no try," he chuckled softly. "I did have my doubts about you Alex, but I'll tell you now, meeting you has put most of my concerns to rest. I think you can 'do' this."

"Most concerns?" he couldn't help asking the healer.

"I've got one or two left, but not about your capability." The healer said nothing more, but only grinned.

|===|----------

Pulling her thick brown robe closer about her shoulders, Meri's small frame trembled. It was not a physical cold, but seemed to originate from inside and radiate outwards in shocking waves. Nothing could warm the chill and loneliness she felt.

It had been several days since she had met Alex Arieh. At first, she had been surprised that the Knight was the same person as the padawan she had bumped into only a year ago. The feeling did not last. She'd found if she squashed any emotion--even surprise--before it had a chance to grow, she wouldn't lose control.

The memory of that day had brought back so many happy times. Memories she didn't want to remember. However, even now, the day was as clear in her head as though it were yesterday. The flash of humor in her Master's hazel eyes, her long honey colored hair swinging free. The padawan knew that if she had had a mother, she would have wanted her to be exactly like Ariana.

Swiftly Meri slammed a lid on the thought. Balling her hands in her lap, she bit the inside of her cheek, willing the flood of pain to put at bay the tears that pricked her eyes. It was rare since her Master's death that she allowed herself to cry. She knew that it was a dammed flood, that if let loose might never stop. Today, she knew, would test any strength she had left in that area. Today was the day she was to be apprenticed to Alex Arieh. Maybe in another life time she would have cared who the Knight was, but she only cared that the one person she had loved like a parent was lost to her. She only cared that she was being passed to a new Master as though the precious bond she had cherished with Ariana were nothing. In her pain, she could see no good from it.

Silently she sat waiting, her eyes focused on the hands in her lap. Her long hair had been braided and then looped up out of the way, giving the fourteen-year-old a more mature look. Her padawan braid of before, long and slender, hung down her shoulder.

As if from far away Meri heard the door to the quarters open, and she knew that it was time. Not bothering to look up, she heard soft footfalls approach. Taking in a shuddering breath, the padawan let out a ragged sigh as she felt someone take a seat next to her. Slowly she looked up to find the same two intense blue eyes studying her. As before, the brilliant blue eyes caught her gaze and held it, but Meri, remembering what had occurred before, tore her gaze away and looked back down at her hands.

With the only witness as An-Paj, the vows Master and Padawan gave each other began. She answered in all the right places, never once looking up. Then came the question that tore her heart, the oath she was required to make to her new Master, to swear to protect him as he had sworn his protection.

For once Meri looked up, but her fiery gaze was not directed at Alex. Instead, her flashing brown eyes sought out An-Paj. Although he was only asking the traditional questions that formed the padawan oath, she needed to strike out at someone.

"IF I'm allowed," she said bitterly, her gaze challenging. The memory of being forced to stay at the Temple while her Master went alone to her death was never clearer in her mind.

An-Paj never wavered, but gazed at the padawan, his eyes full of understanding tenderness.

The gentleness of the healer worked as a cold bucket of water splashing on a hot flame, effectively dousing the flare of anger. The one thing Meri couldn't bear to see in others was compassion, and all the fight was drained out of her. Quickly she dropped her gaze and blinked back the tears, knowing the hardest was yet to come.

**

Alex had never had such a strong urge to comfort someone, as he did his new apprentice. He wanted to stop her from hurting and make her smile again. The wave of protectiveness he felt was a whole new feeling. He could see that this ordeal had been very hard for her, and he instinctively knew what was about to come would be even more difficult.

After the oaths had been spoken, Alex paused, knowing what he was supposed to do next, but afraid of how Meri would react. An-Paj shot him a glance that said 'go ahead.' So gently, he reached for the braid lying on Meri's shoulder and quickly unbraided the silken cord; stealing small glances all the while at the downcast face so near his own. It wasn't until he was braiding a few short strands of his own jet-black hair into the braid that he heard the choked back sobs. Quickly he finished braiding the dark brown strands and tied it off with a royal blue thread.

By now, his new padawan was shaking with the suppressed sobs, and for the first time in his life, Alex was at loss for what to do. He knew she needed comforting, but wasn't exactly sure how to go about it. Slowly he scooted closer and hesitantly put one arm half way around her, glancing at the healer as he did so. An-Paj nodded at the unspoken question, and Alex brought up his other arm to encircle the trembling girl. Instead of fighting, Meri collapsed against him, too lost in her tears and memories to care who was holding her.

After a while she pulled back with a start, as though realizing what she had just done. Stiffening, she scooted as far away from the tall Knight as she could get. Silently the blue healer handed her a tissue and the padawan scrubbed away the tears trailing down her cheeks with quick swipes. Alex could almost see the walls she was resurrecting around herself, and it was the first time he realized what was ahead.

Rising gracefully to his feet, Alex looked down at his apprentice. "Are you ready to go to our new quarters, Meri?" His lilting voice was soft, yet firm.

Without looking up, or speaking aloud, Meri nodded and gathered her things sitting near her feet on the floor. As she rose to her feet, Alex saw her glance at him, then take a double look. Slowly her eyes traveled up and up until they found his face. At 6'1, Alex was much taller than her 5'5. The healers had once told her she would probably grow to around 5'8, but at fourteen she still had some growing to do.

Alex could see something akin to surprise, and realized she had never stood near him before. She was always sitting down, and even then wouldn't look at him. His height obviously surprised her, but he knew she mustn't be too surprised if she knew Master Jinn. //That man is rather tall,// Alex mused as his eyebrow rose at his apprentice's stare.

Following an inner urge, Alex smiled boyishly at her and then winked. He saw her start with surprise and then look quickly down at her feet. Glancing at the healer he shrugged, and smiled. An-Paj only shook his head, obviously fighting the smile that wanted to come.

"Ready?" Alex asked again.

Meri nodded, hugging her things to her chest, but didn't look up.

After bidding the healer good bye the new pair left, heading towards their new quarters together. Alex felt an overwhelming sense of unbelief at what was happening to him. Those who did know he had taken an apprentice were shocked, and Alex wasn't sure what some of his other friends would think either. There was still Rani. She was away on a mission with her Master and was to return in a few days. What the strong-minded young woman would have to say about this, he could only imagine.

Glancing behind him, he saw his padawan looking quite lost as she trailed after him. His heart softened and he knew he had done the right thing.

As he stopped outside the new quarters, he waited for Meri to catch up and stand beside him. "Here," he said softly. "I want to show you the code. It's 9277, alright?" he asked as he keyed in the code.

There was a few seconds pause before—and to his surprise—she answered him aloud. "Yes…Master." She stumbled over the last part, and Alex knew it had cost her much to call him that. He glanced sideways at her and smiled gently, before ushering her inside before him.

**

Meri paused in the main room of the new quarters and looked about her with a weary gaze. The day seemed as though it had last an eternity, and she was completely exhausted. Her eyes felt full of sand, and her legs felt as though they were trembling.

The emotional roller coaster she had been on that day had left her wanting only to sleep, and go to that dark place of oblivion where pain had no place.

Turning slightly she found her Master's compassionate eyes on her, and to her horror she couldn't stop her lips from trembling as tears rushed to her eyes. Quickly she turned away from him, hoping he would keep his distance. Almost as though sensing his padawan's feelings, Alex remained where he stood, his face full of kindness and concern.

"Meri, why don't you lay down for awhile?" he suggested quietly. "Let me show you your room," he said, turning to walk down a short hall.

The room looked exactly like her old room, except the bed and desk were switched around. Something else was different to her too. Unlike her old room, this one felt empty and cold. Dropping her things by the bed, she sank down onto the soft mattress, her whole body crying for sleep.

Darting a glance towards the doorway, she saw the tall knight still watching her.

At her glance he smiled, then turned and walked back down the hall.

Meri sighed and curled up on her side, pulling the soft blanket up to cover her. As tired as she was, her thoughts still danced wildly in her head. She was angry with herself for crying so much that day. This was a situation she was going to have to put up with, and crying wouldn't help any. And it hurt worse to cry. If she bottled it all up then it didn't hurt as bad. She didn't have to feel anything, didn't want to feel anything ever again, but then every time someone even looked at her she felt like crying. Meri gritted her teeth and clenched her eyes shut tightly. //You won't cry again. You won't let your new...Master see you cry again!// she commanded herself.

The image of laughing hazel eyes flashed in her mind and Meri choked back a sob. //Why! Why did you have to leave me Master? What did I do to deserve this?// she pleaded silently.

Eventually the tormented padawan drifted off to sleep, but when the Master stepped in silently to check on his new apprentice, he found damp tracks of tears trailing down her face. A sad smile came to the new Jedi Master's lips as he saw for the first time the sweet look on his padawan's face. A face only peaceful in her sleep.

**

Later that evening, when Alex asked his quiet apprentice if she was ready for dinner he received a half-hearted nod at best.

"Well, lets go then," he said as he shrugged on his robe.

"Go?!"

A note that almost sounded like panic in her voice caused Alex to quickly turn and face the young girl. "Yes, I'm afraid I'm not much of a cook," he admitted sheepishly. His next words did nothing to calm his worried apprentice. "I always eat in the dining hall."

"I--I uh, I'm not hungry." His padawan almost whispered the words, and her face had gone pale as a sheet.

He knew what she was doing, and he also knew this was something she was going to have to face. She was afraid those she knew would ask her questions about what had happened. Alex, however, knew everyone already understood what had occurred, and if anything, would more likely avoid his padawan because they didn't know what to say. Glancing at his apprentice's thin form, he shook his head. "You have to eat, Meri. Now come along."

She wavered before him, and he quickly reached out an arm to steady her. "Please," she whispered softly, looking up at him, her face stricken and brown eyes wide.

Alex felt his heart clench in his chest, and felt like a brute for forcing her. //Force, what am I supposed to do.// He looked down at her for a moment before sighing. He knew what he had to do, no matter how hard. //Stay the course, Alex, stay the course,// he told himself. "It'll be okay, Meri. Trust me."

She didn't reply, but only looked at the floor as she bit her lip.

//We have a long way to go to even get to an understanding, much less trust,// he thought as he watched her withdraw even further, if that was possible.



Alex kept shooting worried glances at his subdued apprentice as they walked towards the dining hall. He wondered if he was doing the right thing, or if he was pushing her too far.

At the door to the dining hall, Meri paused, and Alex turned and waited for her. With her head down, she slowly made her way to his side.

Their dinner was silent and Meri only picked at her food, pushing it more around the plate then putting it in her mouth.

As he had suspected no one bothered them besides a few quiet greetings, and they made it back to they quarters without any further ordeals.

That night Alex fell into bed finding himself strangely weary. Sprawled on the bed, he rubbed his face slowly. "Force help me," he murmured. If he'd known what was going to happen later that night he would have realized just how much he meant that statement.