Chapter 17

Alex dropped into a chair in his room, his mind and heart at war with each other. His mind said he had perfect reason to be angry with Meri, but his heart cried out he was doing the wrong thing.

He did have reason to be angry with her, didn't he? He had told her to stay at the Temple and she had blatantly, outright, disobeyed him. She had gone behind his back to get on board, and he had a sneaking suspicion that her little visit to Obi-Wan the day before had been anything but.

Alex sighed and ran a hand through his black hair, before letting it fall to his side. In his other hand, rested her sabre. The hilt was beautifully built, it's silver covering flashy in design. He ran a thumb over a swirl in the design and then clenched it tighter in his hand. The look of pain in her eyes when he'd taken it wouldn't leave his mind. He'd hurt her--badly. But he'd had to take it. Once they got to Dubh nán he wanted her to have nothing to do with the negotiations. What would stop her from trying if she had her lightsabre, especially if what had just happened was any indication. Without it, she would be more inclined to stay where he told her--out of the way and safe.

Her idea of going as a disguised boy was a laugh. At the thought Alex shook his head and absently rubbed the back of his neck. Teach her to walk like a boy? He let out a small snort at the memory of her request and then blanched as he remembered the excuse he had almost given her.

// You almost said she was too beautiful, // his inner voice accused.

Therein lay the crux of the matter, though he was loath to admit it.

// She is pretty. I can say that as a Master. It's an observation only. Especially when it pertains to her being in danger here. It could get her killed or worse r--...// he didn't finish the thought. It was too dark to imagine. // I promised I wouldn't let anything happen to her and I won't, // he vowed to himself. And if that raised walls between the two of them he couldn't help it. She would stay safe.

Yet still, a quiet inner voice tried to speak to him, tried to be heard, tried to tell him if he didn't care so much, he wouldn't be acting this way. The very fact of the matter was that she *was* over Ariana's death. She was capable enough to be on this mission, but he was too afraid she would be hurt, and *that* he wouldn't admit, for it spoke of just how deeply his feelings ran.

Yet, he refused to recognize them as anything other than a normal Master's concern for his apprentice.

// I don't know why she didn't just obey me, // he lamented silently. He had never wanted to hurt her; in fact, that was the last thing he wanted to do; yet what had just happened had done exactly that.

// She is perfectly capable to be here, // the small voice argued.

// No. Even the Council agreed with me on this, // he thought stubbornly, and the small, voice faded away.

With a last glance at the hilt in his hand, he snapped it to his belt, alongside his own and strode back across the hall to the other room, reserved for those traveling on the transport. He was surprised to find that Meri wasn't there, and he frowned in irritation. "Where has she got to now?" he muttered.

Then he remembered she'd been hiding in the cargo hold and he hadn't told her to bring her things up to this room. Guilt struck him and he walked quickly back to where he could sense her.

At first he didn't see her, but then weaving his way through the boxes of supplies he saw her and he felt even worse as he found her curled up on her Jedi robe asleep. Crouching down, his eyes studied her sleeping face and found evidence of dried tears on her face. Her dark hair was fanned out around her sleeping head and without thinking he reached down and rubbed a lock of it between his fingers. It was as soft as he had imagined and then some.

Suddenly she stirred, sensing his presence, and he pulled his hand back quickly. Opening her eyes slowly, she looked up at him blearily and when she saw it was him, sat up quickly, her face a myriad of emotions.

His face expression softened as his blue eyes took in her rumpled appearance. "Get your things and bring them up to the room across from mine," he said gently.

She nodded and he rose to leave.

"Master, wait," she said, quickly scrambling to her feet.

He half turned to face her and she took a step towards him, her dark eyes capturing his own. "I really am sorry. Please," she entreated softly.

He sighed quietly, but couldn't find the words to tell her he knew she was sorry all along and he'd forgiven her. How could he stay angry with her when he realized why she'd done what she had? But he wasn't going to die.

So instead of speaking, he just nodded once and turned to walk quickly back the way he'd come. If he had turned and looked back, the words that had been locked behind his tongue may have been loosened at the sight of his apprentice.

Standing forlornly in the midst of the boxed supplies, she looked just as lost as she had the day he'd taken her as his apprentice. Tears pooled in her dark eyes and she bit her lip as she stared after him, her eyes mirroring the pain inside.