Author's Note: I swear every time I turn around the policy for formatting
these things for italics has changed. Grr. SO, as I'm on a new computer and
this doesn't have Microsoft Word, things in // \\ are italics. Use your
imagination. ;)
**
"Plant your feet and keep your hands in first position," a Jedi Master barked to his young padawan.
Meri paused to watch as the master put the small padawan through his moves. Leaning on the railing that looked down over the vast training halls of the Jedi Temple, Meri contemplated her relationship with her own master compared to that of the pair she watched below. It had been a long while since things had been so simple beteween them, if they ever had, for Meri could not deny the strangeness their pairing had always seemed to hold.
A hand on her arm brought her quickly back to her surroundings and Meri looked up to find concerned blue eyes watching her.
"Obi-Wan," she said in greeting with a smile that almost, but didn't quite manage to reach her eyes.
"What's wrong?" he questioned.
Meri smiled faintly once more and turned her gaze outward. "Am I so transparent?"
"You've been avoiding everyone ever since you returned," he pointed out as he too leaned causually over the railing, hands dangling over the floors below. "And now I find you looking fairly troubled....about something. I've known you long enough, Meri, to know that something is amiss. Did something happen on your last mission?" Obi-Wan turned to look at her, his braid dangling freely as he leaned on the railing.
His question tripped through her mind over and over again as if in mockery. A rush of emotion slammed into her at the thought of exactly //had\\ happened. In the past few days since their return to the Jedi Temple life between the two had become almost unbearably tense and strangled. Something that neither one of them was used to in their relationship. She was worried about what Alex's words had meant that night and afraid now to give him the chance to speak. Would he request another master for her?
"Is it something to do with Alex?" Obi-Wan tried again when it was obvious his friend had fallen back into thought.
At hearing Alex's name, Meri quickly shifted her gaze to Obi-Wan, an expression fleeting across her face so briefly it could almost have been imagined by anyone who saw it, but Obi-Wan saw it and knew he was correct in his guess.
"We are having....troubles," she said, her expression shuttered.
Obi-Wan observed her for a few long moments and then asked, "What sort?"
Meri sighed. "The sort you wouldn't understand," she said, hoping to stave off any more questions.
Obi-Wan, however, was not going to be deterred. "Try me," he said softly.
"No, really you wouldn't, trust me," she said with a hint of irritation in her tone.
"I've had my fair share of problems with my master, Meri. Your problems can't be all that different from the rest of us."
Meri was silent at this, thinking just how different they were. She would willingly stake her life on the fact, that most padawans didn't have to deal with handling the matter of wanting, more than anything, to have their master hold them and kiss them. But most of all wanting him not to stop when he did.
"Come on, Meri, maybe I can help?" Obi-Wan implored.
Meri allowed her gaze to wander back to the pair below in thoughtful contemplation before answering. "Have you ever wanted to do something, felt there were actions you were incapable of holding yourself back from doing, but knew it would damage your relationship with Qui-Gon?"
Obi-Wan looked thoughtful at this and nodded slowly. "The Medlida/Daan situation, I'm sure you recall that?"
"How could I forget?" she asked ruefully. She had thought to never see her friend again.
"I felt I had to help, despite knowing the tension it would cause between Qui-Gon and me."
"Do you regret it?" she inquired softly, her brown eyes shifting to rest on him.
"No. I know that probably sounds odd, but I believe it strengthened what was between us. I didn't know that things would work out, neither of us did, but by struggling through that hard time together we learned to put more trust in one another and our bond."
Meri didn't answer, but seemed to be thinking on what he said.
"Alex obviously cares about you, Meri. I can see that. Do you? Don't you trust him?"
"Yes." Her answer was quick and sure.
"Then things can't get so bad, Meri. Not as long as you put out the effort to make things work and trust in what you do have."
Meri thought for a few moments longer before straightening and turning to face her friend. "Thank you, Obi-Wan."
"You always were stubborn," he laughed lightly. "Nonetheless I know you'll do the right thing." Pausing he took a moment to study her face before a small frown creased his brow in concern. "Are you feeling alright?"
Meri nodded but rubbed her arms trying to ward of the chill she'd been fighting the past day. "Just slightly chilled, why?"
"You look pale," he commented brushing the back of his hand across her cheek. "Very pale, in fact."
"I've just been a little tired lately," she assured. Obi-Wan had the tendency to worry about her just as much as Alex. She wasn't going to feed his paranoid nature any more by telling him the rest.
He gave her an unconvinced look, but didn't press the matter. "Hmm. Well how about we go get a bite to eat. Then maybe you should retire early. I still think you're not feeling well."
"Sometimes I think you should've been a healer. You would've been a terror to rival Master An-Paj." Their laughter at the irony of her statement rang down the corridor.
***
Meri held back a groan as she curled on her side and drew her legs up further, willing the rolling of her stomach to settle. She had ended up retiring early as Obi-Wan had suggested, but the queasiness that had been in her stomach the last few days hadn't abated. Instead, ever since she had returned to the queit quarters she and her master shared the feeling had grown steadily worse.
She didn't know how long she lay there, dozing in and out of a fitful sleep. She came to sometime later, a cold sweat on her brow with a viscious twisting pain in her middle. She sat up suddenly, before lurching to her feet and stumbling toward the small 'fresher that adjoined her room.
The door rolled open silently for Meri and she paused at the entrance, one hand bracing herself again the doorjam. Her legs buckled as the world around her tilted sharply and the floor came up to meet her. She woke up some time later sprawled on the floor, her arm bent at an awkward angle underneath her and chills running over her body so strongly that she was shuddering with the force of them.
Again the overwhelming sensation of being sick threatened her and she crawled forward just in time to grasp the edge of the toilet and pull herself up before she was violently sick. The automatic flush sounded like a dull roar in her ears as she collapsed back to the floor, blackness sweeping over her vision.
*
Alex set his cup of juice carefully on a round table while casting a curious look around the ominously silent quarters. He knew Meri had been avoiding him and wondered if she had again left early for some reason or another. The twenty-five year old had been almost certain he had risen early enough to catch her. He had meant to talk to her this morning. Sighing, he sank into the chair behind him and stared thoughtfully straight ahead. The real reason he wanted to speak with her was because he had made his decision. It just couldn't work.
He loved her. It wasn't something he could make his mind up to change. Things would never again be the same between them and they couldn't go on pretending nothing had happened. If he requested another master for her, he knew in time the seperation would cool what was between them. She would be able to focus on attaining her knighthood without the distraction of what was between them.
// You'll be put up for evaluation by the Council.... \\
The thought was another unpleasant factor he knew he would have to face. The Jedi Council would want to know why he could not go on being her Master. At her advanced stage of apprenticeship it would have to be a rather large offense to ensure that his request would go through. The truth would in all inevibility be reveiled. The rumors that would arise from this would undoubtedly sweep the Jedi Temple like wild fire. He wouldn't be able to even stop and politely enquire of her health without new rumors cropping up. The distance that would come between them until her knighthood would be a necessary factor.
// Necessary or an escape? \\
Pushing the conflicting thoughts aside, Alex focused on trying to find his apprentice. Stretching out his awareness in the Force, Alex settled himself in a meditative state in order to find his apprentice within the thriving Temple. Before he got far however he felt a faint flicker of her essence, much closer and oddly irregular. Pausing, he focused his attention there, and in concern embraced her essence closer to him, ignoring the shock of heat that traveled back through their bond at the intimate touch.
Sapphire eyes snapped open and quickly he pushed himself to his feet, striding down the short corridor to his apprentice's room. Without pausing to ask for entrance he activated the door and stepped through as soon as it rolled back. A quick glance toward her bed showed it empy, but with the sheets dragged off and half on the floor. Fear began to coil in the pit of his stomach as he hurried to palm the controls to the 'fresher door.
The sight before him sent a pang of fear, that was all the sharper for his acknowledged love of Meri, through his being and he rushed forward to her prone form on the cold tiles. Gently he turned her over startled to see her dark eyes blinking slowly up at him as if fighting to stay open.
"You didn't knock," she whispered with a hint of haughty reproach in her tone. "I could've been naked....," her low words turned into a moan as she curled into a ball on her side, shivering.
"Meri? Look at me, when did this start? Meri?" He wrapped his robe around her as he spoke, but she didn't answer him. Gently he ran the back of his fingers over her cheek and then rested his palm on her forehead. She was burning up, he could feel it.
"Meri?" he used the slightest touch of the Force to get her attention with a firm tone as he tilted her chin up. He could see her struggle to open her eyes and when she did they were unfocused and she quickly lost the battle of keeping them open. This wasn't anything normal, he could sense it.
"I'm taking you to the infirmary," he said decidedly, hefting her gently into his arms.
She groaned and took in a quick breath as he stood suddenly. "I'm going to be sick all over your perfect little robe...." she threatened faintly, turning her head away from his chest as he moved quickly out of her room.
"No, you're not!" Alex said firmly, his concern evident as he palmed the controls to their quarters.
"I'm afraid it's not something you can control," she answered faintly as her eyes drifted closed once again.
"Meri??" he looked down at her as he increased his pace to the lifts. "Meri, come on, stay awake, mhaiseach*."
There was no answer as he felt her go limp in his arms. She hadn't fallen asleep, he could feel the difference between a restful sleep and losing consciousness. And it worried him. Alone in the lift, he held her close to him and rested his cheek against her forehead. "You'll be alright, mo chridhe**. I promise," he whispered softly, wishing she could hear the love in his voice and know that he would always be there for her, even if he couldn't always be her master.
*
// Voices....arguing...familiar voices.
One insanely calm, yet firm. The other, the more familiar voice, louder, more insistant.
"Let me see her. It's been too long, she's getting worse, I sense it!"
"I'm sorry, but NO, I can not allow that. You should know better. Until we have this thing under control I don't think that would be wise."
"You know what's wrong with her?"
It was then, through the thick murkiness that seemed to hang over her conscious that she realized who it was she listened to.
"Alex....Alex..." her weak voice sounded panicked to her own ears. Ignoring the biting pain still coiled in her middle, she reached blindly toward his voice.
There was a brief sensation of floating and then a jarring impact, a sharp fleeting pain as something was jerked out of her wrist and then the sound of feet hurrying towards her as a sharp, wailing alarm sounded.
"Alex, NO!"
An-Paj she realized....just before she felt the nausea sweep over her and she began retching.
Arms were reaching around her supporting her until the wave passed and then lifting her, placing her back on the bed.
"Meri...."
He was scared, she could hear it in his voice and it in turn scared her. She couldn't see and she could feel the panic rising in her even though she somehow knew she shouldn't be. But with the pain and confusion clouding her mind....
"Get him out of here, now!" An-Paj was commanding, his voice sounding hard just above her. There was a grunt and a scuffle of feet and then silence.
"Alex..?" Her chest was heaving with exertion at the effort of speaking and she curled into herself when the pain didn't abait.
"Hush, Meri." Cool hands settled comfortably on her brow. "Be calm, everything will be alright."
"No, noo," she panted deleriously against the pain gripping her.
"Relax," the command was given with a powerful surge of the Force and it swirled around her, easing the pain and quieting the misplaced panic.
"Just relax now," his voice was calm now and soothing as his hands moved. There was a sharp prick to her wrist and then her limbs became heavy and then nothing as darkness rolled up to claim her. \\
*
"...only you, Meri," the voice broke through her dreams, pulling Meri reluctantly to consciousness.
"Did you think Obi-Wan was getting too far ahead in his visits to the infirmary that you had to catch up?" A hand caressed her brow and then down her cheek and the tingle it sent down her spine would have alerted her to who it was, even if his voice hadn't already.
For a brief moment she was afraid to open her eyes, wondering if the blindess had only been a dream. If in fact it had all been a dream. Her body felt heavy, tired, exhausted beyond anything she had ever felt, even, but there was no hint of lasting pain. She was lying flat on her back, head only slightly propped up by the pillows under her, her hands lying motionless on the stiff starched sheets that covered her.
"Or did you just want to scare a few years off my life? Perhaps make me pay for what we've both been going through?" the voice softened as he continued. The words were almost a whisper as he took her left hand in his and began to trace his fingers over her palm.
Wanting to see the expression on his face at this admittance, Meri slowly opened her eyes and was relieved to be able to see Alex clearly where he sat close by the bedside.
The young knight wasn't looking at her as he spoke, but his face was pained as he stroked his thumb across the center of her palm.
Automatically she moved to reach for him with her right hand only to jerk to a stop when a sharp pain bit into her wrist. Turning her head weakly she noticed for the first time that something was attached to her wrist, a tube and without thinking she began to pull her left hand from his to scratch at the spot where it had been inserted as the pain had dulled, leaving behind a fiery itch.
There was a soft intake of breath and then Alex gripped her left hand to him firmly. "No, don't touch it, Meri. Crude it is, but necessary."
She turned to look at him then, noticing the dark hollows under his eyes, the worry lines on his forehead, and she wondered how long she had been out.
Alex smiled then, the expression lighting his face and erasing the exhaustion on his features as he resumed caressing her hand almost thoughtlessly. "I was so worried about you..." he let his words drop off as his eyes focused intensely on her and she could see the fear that had been in the blue depths, the worry and something else he wasn't bothering to disguise in the solitary confines of the infirmary room.
There was none of the heat that had been in their previous encounter, only an aching bittersweetness as the emotion that flowed unchecked between them and through their bond was now undisguised.
Meri returned the smile and squeezed his hand before attempting to speak through the dryness of her throat.
"No, wait," Alex squeezed her hand lightly, then placed it back by her side before leaning forward to help her prop the pillows up behind her and then help raise a cup of cool water to her lips.
"How long have I been...?" she trailed off, uncertain of how to frame the question.
"Too long. Three days, since I found you." His eyes narrowed slightly then as he looked at her. "Why didn't you inform me you weren't feeling well, Meri?"
She averted her eyes at the question, knowing why she hadn't. It had been immature of her, in hindsite. She hadn't been feeling well since they returned but in part had brushed it off as nothing. It certainly hadn't felt serious until that one night. On the other hand she hadn't been willing to share anything more about herself with Alex at just the moment. It was something she had been fighting all her apprenticeship, running from conflict. She had actually, after her talk with Obi-Wan, finally planned to discuss things with Alex, to talk with him and would have mentioned how she was feeling, but fate had taken that out of her hands.
"I'm sorry, Maste," she said instead, not knowing how to begin the monumental discussion she knew they needed to have.
The door suddenly hissed open and An-Paj stepped through, his blue antenna shifting gently as he picked up the tension in the room. Deciding to ignore it, he walked to Meri's bedside. "I'm glad to see you awake young lady." He picked up her limp right hand and checked the bandage holding the tubing in place. "Been itching at it have you?" he asked noticing the reddened skin.
"No," she replied calmly. "I just didn't know it was there to start with."
An-Paj chuckled lightly as he smoothed the medical tape on her skin. "Well don't. This technique is fairly crude for our times, but it was the only way open to us." He didn't explain further as he concentrated on entering something into the data pad he'd brought with him.
"So are you going to tell me what was wrong with me?"
An-Paj looked up from the pad, one white eyebrow arched as he took in his patient, who was staring at him questioningly.
"Before I answer that, tell me. Do you remember being bitten by some insectoid while on your last mission?"
Meri frowned at this question, her brow furrowing in thought. Then she remembered. The skelatel looking things crawling around and over Knight Lavyin and how it felt like one had bitten her. She nodded slowly in answer and then told him what she remembered.
"Ahh. It's just as I thought, though you gave us a few hours of panic when we couldn't figure out what was attacking your system. The poison is very aggressive, however it affects individuals differently. In your case you responded to it rather quickly, which in the end is most likley what saved you. One can be bitten and not begin to show the symptoms of this for many months. Had that happened we would have been searching blindly for what was causing it." He didn't need to add that the delay in finding out what was attacking her would have killed her.
"I see," Meri said wearily.
An-Paj patted her shoulder in a fatherlike gesture. "Get some rest." He tossed a warning glance at Alex before retreating from the room.
There was silence in the room after he left and Meri closed her eyes wishing she could fall asleep to escape the oncoming confrontation, but her thoughts were going wild and she couldn't relax.
"Meri..," Alex began as she felt him take her hand again.
Releasing a shuddering sigh, Meri opened her eyes wearily and focused them on Alex.
"We need to discuss this, Meri," he said even more quietly. "But I don't know what to say and I don't know how to fix this without hurting the both of us."
Her dark eyes widened at his words. "What do you mean?" she questioned shakily. "Why is this something that must be fixed?" So many emotions were welling up within her. // Why does he think our love is wrong...how can it be wrong? Why is it a problem that needs fixing? \\
These questions and more raced through her mind as she watched Alex fight to get his words out. She'd never seen him speechless before, never seen him in a situation where he didn't know what to do or how to handle it, but it was painfully obvious to her that he didn't know how to handle this or them.
"The Code is against relationships between master and apprentice, Meri..... No..that's wrong. They're not just against them, they are not allowed!"
Meri watched the young knight carefully as he fought in frustration to get his words out and confusion swept through her.
"I don't understand...," she admitted freely watching him closely. What 'was' he trying to say? They could just go on like they had before, couldn't they?
Alex released her hand to run his fingers through his dark hair. "You're making this hard on me." The words held an ominous tone that was belied by his matter of fact statement.
"I don't understand what you are trying to say, Master," she admitted with the first tendrils of fear snaking through her middle.
"I can't....," Alex paused, drew in a deep breath as if to steady himself then continued. "I can't be your master anymore, Meri."
The words fell like a weighted stone to the floor between them.
"W..wha.at? she managed to stutter amidst the storm of emotions within her, the reigning being hurt.
"I have decided to request a new master for you." His voice was low and he kept his eyes focused on his hands as he spoke.
His words couldn't have done more damage to her had they been a vibro blade shoved into her heart. Fighting for the control and serinity that a Jedi should have, Meri struggled to calm her eratic breathing as she turned her head away from Alex, not bothering to shield her reaction. A shock of pure terror jolted through her at the thought of breaking their bond. She honestly didn't know if she could handle another breaking of a master/apprentice bond. She was closer to Alex than she had ever been with Ariana and the painful memory of that bond being torn caused her body to tremble involunatarily. // He's abandoning me....he's leaving me. He promised me he wouldn't. He said he never would. \\
The thoughts were no sooner through her head than Alex growled in frustration before jumping to his feet and pacing the few small feet the room allowed him. "NO, Meri!" Then much softer and closer. "I'm not abandoning you," the words were accompanied by a brush of his hand across her wrist as he tried to get her to look at him. "Meri..."
She refused. "Aren't you?" she choked through the tears welling up. She felt him take a seat on the bed and clenched her eyes shut tight, tears slipping down her face. Strong fingers grasped her chin, turning her head back to face him, but she wouldn't open her eyes. Gentle touches brushed away her tears.
"Look at me?" Alex's tone was at first demanding, but then softened. "Please, Meri," he pleaded softly.
Pushing back a sob, she opened her eyes to find Alex's bright blue ones focused on her. His handsome face was pinched with agony as he moved to craddel her face in his hands.
"I love you," he said slowly, yet so softly that if he hadn't been so near she wouldn't have heard him.
// This is cruel, \\ Meri decided as confusion and pain swept in together, trying to drown her. The impulse to run had never been so strong as it was now, with Alex leaning over her, his heart bared in his eyes and declaring he loved her, yet in the same breath telling her he was abandoning her. The urge to rip out the small tubing in her wrist and try to make it out of the room was strong, but she stamped it down.
"Did you hear me, Meri?" The knight's voice was slightly husky, but his eyes were puzzled at her lack of response.
Her anger flared and she wrenched her head out of his grasp. "I don't understand you," she said sharply amidst her tears.
She could feel Alex's pain through the Force at her action and his hands dropped to the bed.
"Why?" she managed to get out, her anger fueling the need for answers.
"I can't be your master and feel this way, Meri. It just won't work!"
Meri's brow rose slightly at the agitation she sensed in Alex's tone, but she didn't hesitate to fire another question at him. "Why not?"
Alex shook his head, rubbing a hand restlessly though his hair and down the nape of his neck. He looked lost for words. "The Code forbids it," he said finally as if that explained it all.
And maybe it should have. But for her it didn't and the rebel inside of her reared up at this restraint. Staring ahead, her thoughts whirled and finally without looking at him she spoke. "Can I ask you something?"
She glanced at him then, brushing the tears off as he nodded slowly. "How long have you felt this way? And I don't mean when you recognized it for what it was, but how long you have actually felt this way."
He studied her, his bright blue eyes warming with a tender light entering them. "I think maybe I've been falling since I set eyes on you. It has only grown with every year that has passed."
Meri fought the fresh wave of tears his confession brought. "Then why now? Why can't you be my Master just because we've finally acknowledged what is between us?"
Alex paused as if contemplating her question, and his eyes lost some of their warmth. His broad shoulders sagged as if a burden too heavy had been laid on them and an expression of extreme exhaustion creased his youthful features. "It would be wrong," he allowed finally. "I am here to guide you, train you to be a Jedi knight." A sardonic smile twisted his lips. "That doesn't include teaching you the art of kissing."
"You're better than Cillian," Meri commented distractedly, wiping tears away with the back of her hand and trying to push the fear away that was crowding her.
Alex snorted in derision. "I should hope so. I didn't even think I was in the same category." He sounded affronted.
"You're not," Meri said morosely, thinking how surreal it was that she was having this discussion with her master right in the middle of one of the most important arguements they'd ever had. When she turned her eyes to glance up at him their eyes locked.
His bright blue eyes were shifting colors from one moment to the next, the violet appearing like dye swirling in with the blue, but not blotting out the bright blue entirely. She saw his jaw muscles clench as he stared at her and she knew what he was fighting and she was suddenly aware of the warmth his body was emmanating from where he sat perched on the infirmary bed.
She bit her lip and dragged her eyes away. The heat of the attraction between them still shocked her.
Alex drew in a hoarse breath. "It would be wrong," he said again pulling his eyes from her face.
"Wrong for who, Master?" she entreated, ignoring what he was implying as she fought to sit up straighter in the bed. "For those who sit on the Jedi Council? Beings who don't know you or me or our circumstance? You've taught me for four years, and I am a senior padawan now. I don't want anyone else leading me to knighthood. I don't think I could bear for it to be anyone else," she added pushing back the memories of Ariana's death. She took a breath, fighting back the exhaustion that was creeping up on her, realizing she was fighting for something much more important. "Obi-Wan 'loves' his master. In a fatherly way, yes, but he loves him. Why can't we go back to what we had before? Was that wrong?" She collapsed back onto her pillows after speaking, her breath coming short. She had probably pushed herself too far considering her condition, but she didn't care.
"You're too weak for this, I should have waited. I'm sorry," Alex said with regret as he worriedly brushed a hand across her still warm brow.
Meri lay back and allowed her heavy eyelids to drift shut. "Don't do this to us, Master, don't do this to me....please."
She felt the bed shift, then felt a feather light kiss brushed her forehead. "Rest, Meri."
"I need you." Meri's voice sounded faint to even her own ears...and broken.
"Sleep, mo chridhe. I'll be here."
And though it wasn't the answer she needed to hear it was enough and she gave into the exhaustion
***
*beautiful ** my heart
**
"Plant your feet and keep your hands in first position," a Jedi Master barked to his young padawan.
Meri paused to watch as the master put the small padawan through his moves. Leaning on the railing that looked down over the vast training halls of the Jedi Temple, Meri contemplated her relationship with her own master compared to that of the pair she watched below. It had been a long while since things had been so simple beteween them, if they ever had, for Meri could not deny the strangeness their pairing had always seemed to hold.
A hand on her arm brought her quickly back to her surroundings and Meri looked up to find concerned blue eyes watching her.
"Obi-Wan," she said in greeting with a smile that almost, but didn't quite manage to reach her eyes.
"What's wrong?" he questioned.
Meri smiled faintly once more and turned her gaze outward. "Am I so transparent?"
"You've been avoiding everyone ever since you returned," he pointed out as he too leaned causually over the railing, hands dangling over the floors below. "And now I find you looking fairly troubled....about something. I've known you long enough, Meri, to know that something is amiss. Did something happen on your last mission?" Obi-Wan turned to look at her, his braid dangling freely as he leaned on the railing.
His question tripped through her mind over and over again as if in mockery. A rush of emotion slammed into her at the thought of exactly //had\\ happened. In the past few days since their return to the Jedi Temple life between the two had become almost unbearably tense and strangled. Something that neither one of them was used to in their relationship. She was worried about what Alex's words had meant that night and afraid now to give him the chance to speak. Would he request another master for her?
"Is it something to do with Alex?" Obi-Wan tried again when it was obvious his friend had fallen back into thought.
At hearing Alex's name, Meri quickly shifted her gaze to Obi-Wan, an expression fleeting across her face so briefly it could almost have been imagined by anyone who saw it, but Obi-Wan saw it and knew he was correct in his guess.
"We are having....troubles," she said, her expression shuttered.
Obi-Wan observed her for a few long moments and then asked, "What sort?"
Meri sighed. "The sort you wouldn't understand," she said, hoping to stave off any more questions.
Obi-Wan, however, was not going to be deterred. "Try me," he said softly.
"No, really you wouldn't, trust me," she said with a hint of irritation in her tone.
"I've had my fair share of problems with my master, Meri. Your problems can't be all that different from the rest of us."
Meri was silent at this, thinking just how different they were. She would willingly stake her life on the fact, that most padawans didn't have to deal with handling the matter of wanting, more than anything, to have their master hold them and kiss them. But most of all wanting him not to stop when he did.
"Come on, Meri, maybe I can help?" Obi-Wan implored.
Meri allowed her gaze to wander back to the pair below in thoughtful contemplation before answering. "Have you ever wanted to do something, felt there were actions you were incapable of holding yourself back from doing, but knew it would damage your relationship with Qui-Gon?"
Obi-Wan looked thoughtful at this and nodded slowly. "The Medlida/Daan situation, I'm sure you recall that?"
"How could I forget?" she asked ruefully. She had thought to never see her friend again.
"I felt I had to help, despite knowing the tension it would cause between Qui-Gon and me."
"Do you regret it?" she inquired softly, her brown eyes shifting to rest on him.
"No. I know that probably sounds odd, but I believe it strengthened what was between us. I didn't know that things would work out, neither of us did, but by struggling through that hard time together we learned to put more trust in one another and our bond."
Meri didn't answer, but seemed to be thinking on what he said.
"Alex obviously cares about you, Meri. I can see that. Do you? Don't you trust him?"
"Yes." Her answer was quick and sure.
"Then things can't get so bad, Meri. Not as long as you put out the effort to make things work and trust in what you do have."
Meri thought for a few moments longer before straightening and turning to face her friend. "Thank you, Obi-Wan."
"You always were stubborn," he laughed lightly. "Nonetheless I know you'll do the right thing." Pausing he took a moment to study her face before a small frown creased his brow in concern. "Are you feeling alright?"
Meri nodded but rubbed her arms trying to ward of the chill she'd been fighting the past day. "Just slightly chilled, why?"
"You look pale," he commented brushing the back of his hand across her cheek. "Very pale, in fact."
"I've just been a little tired lately," she assured. Obi-Wan had the tendency to worry about her just as much as Alex. She wasn't going to feed his paranoid nature any more by telling him the rest.
He gave her an unconvinced look, but didn't press the matter. "Hmm. Well how about we go get a bite to eat. Then maybe you should retire early. I still think you're not feeling well."
"Sometimes I think you should've been a healer. You would've been a terror to rival Master An-Paj." Their laughter at the irony of her statement rang down the corridor.
***
Meri held back a groan as she curled on her side and drew her legs up further, willing the rolling of her stomach to settle. She had ended up retiring early as Obi-Wan had suggested, but the queasiness that had been in her stomach the last few days hadn't abated. Instead, ever since she had returned to the queit quarters she and her master shared the feeling had grown steadily worse.
She didn't know how long she lay there, dozing in and out of a fitful sleep. She came to sometime later, a cold sweat on her brow with a viscious twisting pain in her middle. She sat up suddenly, before lurching to her feet and stumbling toward the small 'fresher that adjoined her room.
The door rolled open silently for Meri and she paused at the entrance, one hand bracing herself again the doorjam. Her legs buckled as the world around her tilted sharply and the floor came up to meet her. She woke up some time later sprawled on the floor, her arm bent at an awkward angle underneath her and chills running over her body so strongly that she was shuddering with the force of them.
Again the overwhelming sensation of being sick threatened her and she crawled forward just in time to grasp the edge of the toilet and pull herself up before she was violently sick. The automatic flush sounded like a dull roar in her ears as she collapsed back to the floor, blackness sweeping over her vision.
*
Alex set his cup of juice carefully on a round table while casting a curious look around the ominously silent quarters. He knew Meri had been avoiding him and wondered if she had again left early for some reason or another. The twenty-five year old had been almost certain he had risen early enough to catch her. He had meant to talk to her this morning. Sighing, he sank into the chair behind him and stared thoughtfully straight ahead. The real reason he wanted to speak with her was because he had made his decision. It just couldn't work.
He loved her. It wasn't something he could make his mind up to change. Things would never again be the same between them and they couldn't go on pretending nothing had happened. If he requested another master for her, he knew in time the seperation would cool what was between them. She would be able to focus on attaining her knighthood without the distraction of what was between them.
// You'll be put up for evaluation by the Council.... \\
The thought was another unpleasant factor he knew he would have to face. The Jedi Council would want to know why he could not go on being her Master. At her advanced stage of apprenticeship it would have to be a rather large offense to ensure that his request would go through. The truth would in all inevibility be reveiled. The rumors that would arise from this would undoubtedly sweep the Jedi Temple like wild fire. He wouldn't be able to even stop and politely enquire of her health without new rumors cropping up. The distance that would come between them until her knighthood would be a necessary factor.
// Necessary or an escape? \\
Pushing the conflicting thoughts aside, Alex focused on trying to find his apprentice. Stretching out his awareness in the Force, Alex settled himself in a meditative state in order to find his apprentice within the thriving Temple. Before he got far however he felt a faint flicker of her essence, much closer and oddly irregular. Pausing, he focused his attention there, and in concern embraced her essence closer to him, ignoring the shock of heat that traveled back through their bond at the intimate touch.
Sapphire eyes snapped open and quickly he pushed himself to his feet, striding down the short corridor to his apprentice's room. Without pausing to ask for entrance he activated the door and stepped through as soon as it rolled back. A quick glance toward her bed showed it empy, but with the sheets dragged off and half on the floor. Fear began to coil in the pit of his stomach as he hurried to palm the controls to the 'fresher door.
The sight before him sent a pang of fear, that was all the sharper for his acknowledged love of Meri, through his being and he rushed forward to her prone form on the cold tiles. Gently he turned her over startled to see her dark eyes blinking slowly up at him as if fighting to stay open.
"You didn't knock," she whispered with a hint of haughty reproach in her tone. "I could've been naked....," her low words turned into a moan as she curled into a ball on her side, shivering.
"Meri? Look at me, when did this start? Meri?" He wrapped his robe around her as he spoke, but she didn't answer him. Gently he ran the back of his fingers over her cheek and then rested his palm on her forehead. She was burning up, he could feel it.
"Meri?" he used the slightest touch of the Force to get her attention with a firm tone as he tilted her chin up. He could see her struggle to open her eyes and when she did they were unfocused and she quickly lost the battle of keeping them open. This wasn't anything normal, he could sense it.
"I'm taking you to the infirmary," he said decidedly, hefting her gently into his arms.
She groaned and took in a quick breath as he stood suddenly. "I'm going to be sick all over your perfect little robe...." she threatened faintly, turning her head away from his chest as he moved quickly out of her room.
"No, you're not!" Alex said firmly, his concern evident as he palmed the controls to their quarters.
"I'm afraid it's not something you can control," she answered faintly as her eyes drifted closed once again.
"Meri??" he looked down at her as he increased his pace to the lifts. "Meri, come on, stay awake, mhaiseach*."
There was no answer as he felt her go limp in his arms. She hadn't fallen asleep, he could feel the difference between a restful sleep and losing consciousness. And it worried him. Alone in the lift, he held her close to him and rested his cheek against her forehead. "You'll be alright, mo chridhe**. I promise," he whispered softly, wishing she could hear the love in his voice and know that he would always be there for her, even if he couldn't always be her master.
*
// Voices....arguing...familiar voices.
One insanely calm, yet firm. The other, the more familiar voice, louder, more insistant.
"Let me see her. It's been too long, she's getting worse, I sense it!"
"I'm sorry, but NO, I can not allow that. You should know better. Until we have this thing under control I don't think that would be wise."
"You know what's wrong with her?"
It was then, through the thick murkiness that seemed to hang over her conscious that she realized who it was she listened to.
"Alex....Alex..." her weak voice sounded panicked to her own ears. Ignoring the biting pain still coiled in her middle, she reached blindly toward his voice.
There was a brief sensation of floating and then a jarring impact, a sharp fleeting pain as something was jerked out of her wrist and then the sound of feet hurrying towards her as a sharp, wailing alarm sounded.
"Alex, NO!"
An-Paj she realized....just before she felt the nausea sweep over her and she began retching.
Arms were reaching around her supporting her until the wave passed and then lifting her, placing her back on the bed.
"Meri...."
He was scared, she could hear it in his voice and it in turn scared her. She couldn't see and she could feel the panic rising in her even though she somehow knew she shouldn't be. But with the pain and confusion clouding her mind....
"Get him out of here, now!" An-Paj was commanding, his voice sounding hard just above her. There was a grunt and a scuffle of feet and then silence.
"Alex..?" Her chest was heaving with exertion at the effort of speaking and she curled into herself when the pain didn't abait.
"Hush, Meri." Cool hands settled comfortably on her brow. "Be calm, everything will be alright."
"No, noo," she panted deleriously against the pain gripping her.
"Relax," the command was given with a powerful surge of the Force and it swirled around her, easing the pain and quieting the misplaced panic.
"Just relax now," his voice was calm now and soothing as his hands moved. There was a sharp prick to her wrist and then her limbs became heavy and then nothing as darkness rolled up to claim her. \\
*
"...only you, Meri," the voice broke through her dreams, pulling Meri reluctantly to consciousness.
"Did you think Obi-Wan was getting too far ahead in his visits to the infirmary that you had to catch up?" A hand caressed her brow and then down her cheek and the tingle it sent down her spine would have alerted her to who it was, even if his voice hadn't already.
For a brief moment she was afraid to open her eyes, wondering if the blindess had only been a dream. If in fact it had all been a dream. Her body felt heavy, tired, exhausted beyond anything she had ever felt, even, but there was no hint of lasting pain. She was lying flat on her back, head only slightly propped up by the pillows under her, her hands lying motionless on the stiff starched sheets that covered her.
"Or did you just want to scare a few years off my life? Perhaps make me pay for what we've both been going through?" the voice softened as he continued. The words were almost a whisper as he took her left hand in his and began to trace his fingers over her palm.
Wanting to see the expression on his face at this admittance, Meri slowly opened her eyes and was relieved to be able to see Alex clearly where he sat close by the bedside.
The young knight wasn't looking at her as he spoke, but his face was pained as he stroked his thumb across the center of her palm.
Automatically she moved to reach for him with her right hand only to jerk to a stop when a sharp pain bit into her wrist. Turning her head weakly she noticed for the first time that something was attached to her wrist, a tube and without thinking she began to pull her left hand from his to scratch at the spot where it had been inserted as the pain had dulled, leaving behind a fiery itch.
There was a soft intake of breath and then Alex gripped her left hand to him firmly. "No, don't touch it, Meri. Crude it is, but necessary."
She turned to look at him then, noticing the dark hollows under his eyes, the worry lines on his forehead, and she wondered how long she had been out.
Alex smiled then, the expression lighting his face and erasing the exhaustion on his features as he resumed caressing her hand almost thoughtlessly. "I was so worried about you..." he let his words drop off as his eyes focused intensely on her and she could see the fear that had been in the blue depths, the worry and something else he wasn't bothering to disguise in the solitary confines of the infirmary room.
There was none of the heat that had been in their previous encounter, only an aching bittersweetness as the emotion that flowed unchecked between them and through their bond was now undisguised.
Meri returned the smile and squeezed his hand before attempting to speak through the dryness of her throat.
"No, wait," Alex squeezed her hand lightly, then placed it back by her side before leaning forward to help her prop the pillows up behind her and then help raise a cup of cool water to her lips.
"How long have I been...?" she trailed off, uncertain of how to frame the question.
"Too long. Three days, since I found you." His eyes narrowed slightly then as he looked at her. "Why didn't you inform me you weren't feeling well, Meri?"
She averted her eyes at the question, knowing why she hadn't. It had been immature of her, in hindsite. She hadn't been feeling well since they returned but in part had brushed it off as nothing. It certainly hadn't felt serious until that one night. On the other hand she hadn't been willing to share anything more about herself with Alex at just the moment. It was something she had been fighting all her apprenticeship, running from conflict. She had actually, after her talk with Obi-Wan, finally planned to discuss things with Alex, to talk with him and would have mentioned how she was feeling, but fate had taken that out of her hands.
"I'm sorry, Maste," she said instead, not knowing how to begin the monumental discussion she knew they needed to have.
The door suddenly hissed open and An-Paj stepped through, his blue antenna shifting gently as he picked up the tension in the room. Deciding to ignore it, he walked to Meri's bedside. "I'm glad to see you awake young lady." He picked up her limp right hand and checked the bandage holding the tubing in place. "Been itching at it have you?" he asked noticing the reddened skin.
"No," she replied calmly. "I just didn't know it was there to start with."
An-Paj chuckled lightly as he smoothed the medical tape on her skin. "Well don't. This technique is fairly crude for our times, but it was the only way open to us." He didn't explain further as he concentrated on entering something into the data pad he'd brought with him.
"So are you going to tell me what was wrong with me?"
An-Paj looked up from the pad, one white eyebrow arched as he took in his patient, who was staring at him questioningly.
"Before I answer that, tell me. Do you remember being bitten by some insectoid while on your last mission?"
Meri frowned at this question, her brow furrowing in thought. Then she remembered. The skelatel looking things crawling around and over Knight Lavyin and how it felt like one had bitten her. She nodded slowly in answer and then told him what she remembered.
"Ahh. It's just as I thought, though you gave us a few hours of panic when we couldn't figure out what was attacking your system. The poison is very aggressive, however it affects individuals differently. In your case you responded to it rather quickly, which in the end is most likley what saved you. One can be bitten and not begin to show the symptoms of this for many months. Had that happened we would have been searching blindly for what was causing it." He didn't need to add that the delay in finding out what was attacking her would have killed her.
"I see," Meri said wearily.
An-Paj patted her shoulder in a fatherlike gesture. "Get some rest." He tossed a warning glance at Alex before retreating from the room.
There was silence in the room after he left and Meri closed her eyes wishing she could fall asleep to escape the oncoming confrontation, but her thoughts were going wild and she couldn't relax.
"Meri..," Alex began as she felt him take her hand again.
Releasing a shuddering sigh, Meri opened her eyes wearily and focused them on Alex.
"We need to discuss this, Meri," he said even more quietly. "But I don't know what to say and I don't know how to fix this without hurting the both of us."
Her dark eyes widened at his words. "What do you mean?" she questioned shakily. "Why is this something that must be fixed?" So many emotions were welling up within her. // Why does he think our love is wrong...how can it be wrong? Why is it a problem that needs fixing? \\
These questions and more raced through her mind as she watched Alex fight to get his words out. She'd never seen him speechless before, never seen him in a situation where he didn't know what to do or how to handle it, but it was painfully obvious to her that he didn't know how to handle this or them.
"The Code is against relationships between master and apprentice, Meri..... No..that's wrong. They're not just against them, they are not allowed!"
Meri watched the young knight carefully as he fought in frustration to get his words out and confusion swept through her.
"I don't understand...," she admitted freely watching him closely. What 'was' he trying to say? They could just go on like they had before, couldn't they?
Alex released her hand to run his fingers through his dark hair. "You're making this hard on me." The words held an ominous tone that was belied by his matter of fact statement.
"I don't understand what you are trying to say, Master," she admitted with the first tendrils of fear snaking through her middle.
"I can't....," Alex paused, drew in a deep breath as if to steady himself then continued. "I can't be your master anymore, Meri."
The words fell like a weighted stone to the floor between them.
"W..wha.at? she managed to stutter amidst the storm of emotions within her, the reigning being hurt.
"I have decided to request a new master for you." His voice was low and he kept his eyes focused on his hands as he spoke.
His words couldn't have done more damage to her had they been a vibro blade shoved into her heart. Fighting for the control and serinity that a Jedi should have, Meri struggled to calm her eratic breathing as she turned her head away from Alex, not bothering to shield her reaction. A shock of pure terror jolted through her at the thought of breaking their bond. She honestly didn't know if she could handle another breaking of a master/apprentice bond. She was closer to Alex than she had ever been with Ariana and the painful memory of that bond being torn caused her body to tremble involunatarily. // He's abandoning me....he's leaving me. He promised me he wouldn't. He said he never would. \\
The thoughts were no sooner through her head than Alex growled in frustration before jumping to his feet and pacing the few small feet the room allowed him. "NO, Meri!" Then much softer and closer. "I'm not abandoning you," the words were accompanied by a brush of his hand across her wrist as he tried to get her to look at him. "Meri..."
She refused. "Aren't you?" she choked through the tears welling up. She felt him take a seat on the bed and clenched her eyes shut tight, tears slipping down her face. Strong fingers grasped her chin, turning her head back to face him, but she wouldn't open her eyes. Gentle touches brushed away her tears.
"Look at me?" Alex's tone was at first demanding, but then softened. "Please, Meri," he pleaded softly.
Pushing back a sob, she opened her eyes to find Alex's bright blue ones focused on her. His handsome face was pinched with agony as he moved to craddel her face in his hands.
"I love you," he said slowly, yet so softly that if he hadn't been so near she wouldn't have heard him.
// This is cruel, \\ Meri decided as confusion and pain swept in together, trying to drown her. The impulse to run had never been so strong as it was now, with Alex leaning over her, his heart bared in his eyes and declaring he loved her, yet in the same breath telling her he was abandoning her. The urge to rip out the small tubing in her wrist and try to make it out of the room was strong, but she stamped it down.
"Did you hear me, Meri?" The knight's voice was slightly husky, but his eyes were puzzled at her lack of response.
Her anger flared and she wrenched her head out of his grasp. "I don't understand you," she said sharply amidst her tears.
She could feel Alex's pain through the Force at her action and his hands dropped to the bed.
"Why?" she managed to get out, her anger fueling the need for answers.
"I can't be your master and feel this way, Meri. It just won't work!"
Meri's brow rose slightly at the agitation she sensed in Alex's tone, but she didn't hesitate to fire another question at him. "Why not?"
Alex shook his head, rubbing a hand restlessly though his hair and down the nape of his neck. He looked lost for words. "The Code forbids it," he said finally as if that explained it all.
And maybe it should have. But for her it didn't and the rebel inside of her reared up at this restraint. Staring ahead, her thoughts whirled and finally without looking at him she spoke. "Can I ask you something?"
She glanced at him then, brushing the tears off as he nodded slowly. "How long have you felt this way? And I don't mean when you recognized it for what it was, but how long you have actually felt this way."
He studied her, his bright blue eyes warming with a tender light entering them. "I think maybe I've been falling since I set eyes on you. It has only grown with every year that has passed."
Meri fought the fresh wave of tears his confession brought. "Then why now? Why can't you be my Master just because we've finally acknowledged what is between us?"
Alex paused as if contemplating her question, and his eyes lost some of their warmth. His broad shoulders sagged as if a burden too heavy had been laid on them and an expression of extreme exhaustion creased his youthful features. "It would be wrong," he allowed finally. "I am here to guide you, train you to be a Jedi knight." A sardonic smile twisted his lips. "That doesn't include teaching you the art of kissing."
"You're better than Cillian," Meri commented distractedly, wiping tears away with the back of her hand and trying to push the fear away that was crowding her.
Alex snorted in derision. "I should hope so. I didn't even think I was in the same category." He sounded affronted.
"You're not," Meri said morosely, thinking how surreal it was that she was having this discussion with her master right in the middle of one of the most important arguements they'd ever had. When she turned her eyes to glance up at him their eyes locked.
His bright blue eyes were shifting colors from one moment to the next, the violet appearing like dye swirling in with the blue, but not blotting out the bright blue entirely. She saw his jaw muscles clench as he stared at her and she knew what he was fighting and she was suddenly aware of the warmth his body was emmanating from where he sat perched on the infirmary bed.
She bit her lip and dragged her eyes away. The heat of the attraction between them still shocked her.
Alex drew in a hoarse breath. "It would be wrong," he said again pulling his eyes from her face.
"Wrong for who, Master?" she entreated, ignoring what he was implying as she fought to sit up straighter in the bed. "For those who sit on the Jedi Council? Beings who don't know you or me or our circumstance? You've taught me for four years, and I am a senior padawan now. I don't want anyone else leading me to knighthood. I don't think I could bear for it to be anyone else," she added pushing back the memories of Ariana's death. She took a breath, fighting back the exhaustion that was creeping up on her, realizing she was fighting for something much more important. "Obi-Wan 'loves' his master. In a fatherly way, yes, but he loves him. Why can't we go back to what we had before? Was that wrong?" She collapsed back onto her pillows after speaking, her breath coming short. She had probably pushed herself too far considering her condition, but she didn't care.
"You're too weak for this, I should have waited. I'm sorry," Alex said with regret as he worriedly brushed a hand across her still warm brow.
Meri lay back and allowed her heavy eyelids to drift shut. "Don't do this to us, Master, don't do this to me....please."
She felt the bed shift, then felt a feather light kiss brushed her forehead. "Rest, Meri."
"I need you." Meri's voice sounded faint to even her own ears...and broken.
"Sleep, mo chridhe. I'll be here."
And though it wasn't the answer she needed to hear it was enough and she gave into the exhaustion
***
*beautiful ** my heart
