8th February 2003
Hey all! ^_^
Just a quick A/N to say that this chapter is kinda angsty... -_- Weeell, it couldn't be fluff all the way through, now could it? I couldn't do total fluff any case. ^^;; So...sorry if that is what you want. Wasn't too sure about this chapter whilst I was writing it, but during the type-up I reckoned that it hadn't actually turned out all that badly...but you make up your own mind.
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Hope you enjoy the latest instalment to the story...
~
Late Night Radio (Edition 2) Pt. 4
Questions...no Answers...
~Jheya Ono~
Yamato sighed, and splashed water on his face. Looking at his reflection in the mirror in the en suite bathroom, he saw troubled blue eyes staring back at him.
He sighed again, and grabbed a towel to dry his face with. It was now just after eight in the evening, and he had spent the majority of the two and half hours he had been awake for feeling confused.
It had been about five-thirty in the afternoon when he had woken, a little stiff and uncomfortable because of the awkward position he had been sleeping in. Only really half-conscious, he had dragged his bags from where they had been left by the door into the bedroom... Then he had remembered about Taichi, and had had a momentary panic that he had been being too noisy, and had woken him, before seeing that the brunette was still sleeping. The blonde had been careful to be rather more quiet at unpacking his things into the drawers and wardrobes, and after about ten minutes of that he had finished, and his friend was still asleep.
Stretching and yawning, he had felt uncomfortable, as he had still been dressed in the same clothes as he had been wearing the previous day, and so had decided to take a shower. He'd stowed his wristwatch in a drawer, and had shed the rest of his clothes in the bathroom before stepping beneath the jet of hot water.
Everything had been fine up until that point. In fact it continued to be fine and make sense for a while longer. The point where everything had begun to get confusing was when he had emerged from the bathroom, drying his freshly shampooed hair, to find that the brunette was finally awake.
He had quickly gotten over the slight jolt of shock once he had noticed the state that Taichi's hair had been in. His sense of the ridiculous had cut in, and he had been in hysterics not long after. Then had followed a spate of name calling and insulting each other that was rather reminiscent of old times, and then... Then he had ended up hugging the brunette, with tears coming to his eyes, and then Taichi had touched his face in a way that had felt so right... And then the moment had broken, and the brunette had gone to take a shower and sort his hair out, and he had gone to order then something to eat.
He had then spent a confused half-hour trying to make sense of what had happened, and failing miserably, and order room service at the same time. He was also burdened with the added distraction that Minoru's shift had ended, so he got some idiot simpering girl on the other end of the line that made ordering hell, and only served to get him annoyed, which made sorting out his thoughts even harder to do.
After finally managing to place his order, he'd ended up flicking TV channels in despair, and then Taichi had emerged from the shower, and then shortly after their food had arrived... It had arrived in record time, a feat that had amazed him, considering the amount that he had ordered, and the entire kitchen must have been entirely devoted to his order in order to get it to him so fast...but he hadn't dwelt on that point, for he had other things on his mind. After that they had talked as they ate, and the conversation had flowed without pause, and they had spent yet more time teasing each other... Almost as if... As if they'd never been apart at all...
And now he was meant to be picking out an outfit for Taichi to wear, and getting ready himself so that they could go see a movie... But instead he was lying on the huge king-size bed, with one arm covering his eyes, still trying to make sense of the turmoil that filled his mind. Why was he doing this? Why was he tormenting himself so? He didn't have to sort everything out now, after all... He could just go with the flow of things for now, and gradually piece together the puzzle as to why Taichi had purposely vanished five years ago...
But he didn't want to piece it together eventually. So what if it seemed impatient of him, but he wanted the answer now. He wanted to know if... If it was all his fault... God, why did he always have to make such a mess of things?
There was a tentative knock at the closed door.
"Matt?" Taichi called, sounding a little worried.
Oh crap... How long had he been just doing nothing for? There he went again, making a complete mess of things as usual...
"Yeah?" he replied, not moving from the position he was lying in, and unable to stop the faint wobble that entered his voice.
"Are you okay?"
The door handle began to turn, and Yamato spoke quickly before the brunette could open the door and enter the room.
"No, don't come in..."
"Why not?" came the petulant reply, but at least the door didn't open.
"Well, you can come in if you really want to see my ass..." he replied, managing to sound like his normal self. There was a pause.
"Oh... You're not changed yet?"
"No."
"Exactly how long does it take for you to get dressed?"
"Oh hah ha. Very funny." he said sarcastically.
"No seriously-"
"Taichi..." he warned.
"Okay, okay..." Even though the door was closed, and his eyes were covered, Yamato could almost see Taichi holding up his hands to ward off expected blows. The mental image made him smile even as it brought a lump to his throat. "Why don't you just pick out the clothes and pass them to me now? Y'know, that way we can both change at the same time, and cut down on time..."
"Yeah. Good idea. Just give me a minute will you..." he slowly got to his feet and moved to the wardrobes to pick out appropriate clothing for the brunette. Blue; because Taichi had said that it was his favourite colour, and because Yamato thought that it would suit his friend's complexion, and brought out his eye colour...
He took a deep breath to compose himself once he had chosen the garments, and put on a cheerful grin before he opened the door. No need to worry Taichi... Just act cheerful...
The brunette did look a little worried, but his face quickly broke into a grin when he saw Yamato smiling at him.
"Thanks." he said as he accepted the bundle of clothing.
S'okay." Yamato shrugged, then noticed that his friend was looking at him closely, with his head tilted to one side. "What?"
"You haven't even started to get changed! What have you been doing for a quarter of an hour or so? Just staring into space or something?"
"Yeah, well..." he muttered, rubbing at the back of his neck and trying not to look embarrassed.
"What were you thinking about?"
"Just generally thinking."
"About what?" Taichi persisted.
"Nothing much." he murmured, turning his head away so that the brunette couldn't see his expression too clearly. "I mean, think about it... When we were still at school together, I used to just pace out thinking all the time. So you shouldn't find it totally unexpected if I still do it now..."
"But whenever you spaced out, it was always because you were thinking about something important to you..." Damn him, trust him to remember that...
"Not always." he lied, trying to find a way to get out of this conversation, as he really didn't like where it was heading.
"Yes, always."
He didn't say anything in reply to that. He couldn't say anything in reply to that. Not if he wanted to keep his voice level, for the concern showing in Taichi's voice made something break deep down inside. He didn't dare look at the brunette's face because he knew that the concern would be mirrored in his features, and clearly showing in those deep brown eyes, and that would be just too much...
"Matt? So what were you thinking about?"
He still didn't have enough control of himself to answer.
"I mean, you always used to tell me..."
"Well, obviously things changed, Taichi, because you used to tell me everything, but you still just left..." he muttered under his breath, and was mildly shocked at the bitterness held in his own voice.
"Uh, I didn't mange to quite catch that... What did you say?"
"It wasn't anything."
"Well, your lips moved, so obviously it was-"
"Can we just drop this Tai?" he interrupted. "It wasn't important." Yes it was, he at least admitted to himself. But you missed it the first time, and I'm not strong enough to say it a second...
"Uh, sure, I guess..." he sounded taken aback and confused, and he actually took a step back from the blonde. Yamato immediately regretted that he hadn't phrased it more carefully, and turned to face him to apologise.
Bad move. He visibly flinched when he saw how concerned Taichi looked, and that only made the concern deepen.
"Hey..." he said softly, moving towards him again. "You okay, man?"
"Sure I am." Another lie, but he was in no state to tell the truth.
"Really." He sounded thoroughly unconvinced, but then hadn't he always been able to tell when he said an outright lie?
"Really."
"Really?" the sadness in his tone made the blonde flinch again. Damn, damn, damn! He had thought that he'd learned to conceal his emotions better than that.
"Matt-" the brunette tried again, and Yamato caught his wrist before his hand could touch his face.
"Listen. I'd better go get changed." the blonde said, not meeting his friend's questioning gaze. "Yeah? Because we're never gonna get to the cinema at this rate..."
"I-I guess..." he sounded thoroughly unconvinced again, but at least he wasn't trying to get him to talk this time.
"Okay, good. See you when we're both dressed then..."
He released his hold on Taichi's wrist, and quickly vanished back into the bedroom before the brunette had the chance to say anything more. Shutting the door behind him, he lent back against the polished wood with a sigh. A highly suspicious exit, yes, but a lot less suspicious than his becoming a crying emotional wreck... he let himself slide down the smooth surface until he was sitting on the floor.
Wrapping his arms around his legs, he groaned, and let his head drop so that his forehead rested against his raised knees. He just sat there for a while, listening to the silence, and was surprised when footsteps eventually moved away on the other side of the door. Taichi had still been standing there?...
He slowly got to his feet, and padded quietly over to one of the wardrobes. Better start changing... He'd already managed to get the brunette worried, and if he still hadn't gotten changed by the time that Taichi had, then he knew that he wouldn't be able to stop his friend from asking questions until he got answers. And they were answers that he wasn't prepared to give...
Yamato shook his head to try and forcibly dispel such thoughts from his mind. He released the towel from round his waist and let it slip to the floor, opening drawers to get out clean boxers, which he pulled on slowly. Next he pulled on a pale blue top, the cotton cool against his skin, and tried to reason with himself.
He wanted answers to all the questions that had plagued him for years. That was only natural. It was only natural to want Taichi to explain everything to him now that he had finally managed to find the brunette again... But it wasn't reasonable to expect the answers to five years worth of questions, all in one go. So therefore he shouldn't be in such a state over not getting them.
Yamato focused on his breathing, and took a deep lungful of air. He expelled it slowly, and started one of the breathing exercises that he had been taught by a voice coach. It was designed to help strengthen his lungs so that they could endure the pressures of tour performances, but had the added bonus of acting as a relaxant. Concentrating so deeply on one thing mean that all other thoughts, all worries, were temporarily pushed to one side, leaving his mind clearer, and solutions easier to find.
Grey slacks and a fleecy high-collared jacket found their way successfully onto his body, even though his mind was paying very little attention to what he was putting on. Socks and black shoes followed, and then he lay back on the bed, and he allowed his eyes to close so that not even his surroundings could intrude into his thoughts. The blonde had no idea how long he lay there, aware only of the breath entering and leaving his body, and when his eyes eventually opened again, he felt calmer.
Sitting up, the rustle of the sheets beneath him, and of his clothing, sounded unnaturally loud in the still air. He rubbed his eyes with one hand, and brushed away a stray lock of hair that flicked down into his face. Yamato looked towards the closed door hesitantly. Taichi was on the other side of that door... Could he face him yet? He prodded his thoughts gingerly, careful lest he stir up something that would undo all his hard work.
All the worry, all the insecurity, it was all still there, it wasn't something that could just be gotten rid of, but it was buried at a lower level of consciousness. He could still feel it, he still knew that those feelings were there, but not to such a degree that it bothered him. He couldn't ignore it forever, else it would eat away at him from the inside, but he could safely ignore it for the moment at least.
He felt calm enough, good enough to let a small smile curve his lips, and mentally thanked all those who had coached him so well in self-control. Rising to his feet, his steps didn't falter once as he quietly walked over to the door, the sound of his footsteps absorbed by the thick carpet. Pausing, he carefully schooled his features into a smiling mask, making sure that the smile reached his eyes, knowing that all this effort would be a waste if it did not. He knew, without needing a mirror, when he had achieved this, as he had needed to hide his true emotions many times before...
Right. He was smiling. He was feeling as calm as he could manage... Nothing more to do, nothing more he could do. He couldn't stay hiding behind this door forever, time to enter the breech...
Taking a deep breath, he raised a hand and knocked softly against the smooth wood. No response, but he wasn't going to just open the door in case Taichi was still changing on the other side. He knocked again.
"Taichi?" he asked, his heart beating faster than it ought to have been doing.
"Yeah?"
"You changed yet?"
"Yeah."
One final deep breath. One final check that his smile was still in place. One final prayer that he was strong enough to cope with anything he might have to face. No turning back now...
He opened the door.
To be continued...
~
So...what did you think? Please review and let me know! ^_^ Reviewing also lets me know that people are still interested in this, and gives me a reason to write it, ne?
And in case you didn't read the A/N at the beginning (some people don't, ne?), if you'd like to be informed about updates, then go here:
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Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me so far, I really appreciate your support. The 5th part of Edition 1 should be making an appearance some time soon. It has been written, so I just need to find the time to type it up, but time is something I don't have all that much of at the moment... -_-
Jheya xxx ^_~
