A gilded cage.
This is all this splendour and beauty is to me. I know many people would love to see the inside of a palace; revel in the luxury that this place can offer… but for me, it's long lost its dazzle. In fact, I can't remember a time when the palace was truly a home to me.
I remember that my mother didn't really care for me. At eight years old, an age when most children would have just begun proper schooling, I was forced onto the throne. She insisted on my listening to her every word, becoming her dutiful little puppet. Most of the decisions she made were quite good, but I hated it. I couldn't stand being treated like I was empty, devoid of emotions, that I could do whatever she wanted without feeling hurt and angry. She was my mother. She should have recognized the fact that I was too young, that perhaps Tendou, my older brother, or even my half-brother could have taken over the throne.
And yet, how can I blame her? I realised later there was more to the tale.
I think a lot of people forget that the emperor has feelings, emotions. I admit there is a vast amount of responsibility bestowed on me; that I need to look after my country and my people. My advisors constantly harass me, destroying whatever little peace I could have, arranging last-minute meetings, and requiring quick decisions. Should we send help to Sairou, Kutou is causing trouble there, should we accept the trade agreement that Hokkan has offered, or ask for more discussions first… the list goes on, and I grow weary.
They also have the desire to get me married quickly. I suppose that everyone will feel better to know that a potential heir is nearby, even though I'm only eighteen years old, and will probably rule for a long time. I tire of this hassle. I'll get married when I want to, but they hardly seem to realise that. Marriage, it seems, is not for love, but as a matter of reproduction, a compulsory necessity, to make everyone happy… that is, except for me.
Mind you, I would love a life partner. There isn't much use in being beautiful if there's no one to admire you. But inwardly, I've chosen my bride already. In my life, the only person I've ever wanted to be with was the Suzaku no Miko. I know that Suzaku-seikun will definitely choose an appropriate person, someone who will be perfect for me, who can be the empress of Konan. I have no doubts of that.
I must not forget my role of a shichiseishi. Hotohori, one of the seven seishi to protect and serve the Suzaku no Miko. In some ways, this is wonderful, and yet a burden. I believe that being a seishi is why my brothers were passed over, and the throne was given to me. A tragedy, since there is no way to reverse this. I imagine that the court officials and my mother believed that since I was one of Suzaku's chosen, I would rule the country well. They were right. But at what cost? And yet I know that despite all this, when the Suzaku no Miko comes to save us from disaster, my problems will be solved. I feel instinctively that Suzaku-seikun is not so harsh as to leave me in this plight forever. And I know he hears my prayer every night.
A wish for freedom. A simple desire, that I feel will eventually come true, soon enough.
Before my advisors come around again to pester me, I think I'll take a short tour around my capital. I think it will do me good to get out of the palace.
