Disclaimer: this story is completely humor, it was going to be a one shot, but I couldn't

bear to leave it so short! Let me say that I do not own Harry Potter or any related

characters, they are owned by J. K. Rowling and publishers.

This story is slash, m/m, and if you have a problem with this then please discontinue

reading. Also, it tends to get a bit lemony, so bear that in mind as well.

For this chappie, I was leaning heavily on the cliché to get me through. Please don't critisize what Draco's thinking b/c I wrote it to be stupid and cliché on purpose. Thank you!

In Which Harry and Draco learn about the Birds and the Birds

~Pocky Faery~

Chapt.Three: On the Hogwarts Express

*Draco's POV*

I heaved my trunk into the baggage cart and turned to hug my mommy- er, my mom goodbye. Not that's Draco Malfoy hugs people...

::cough, cough::

She pressed a handkerchief to her nose delicately and said in a teary voice "I'll miss you, my little Ickle-"

Thankfully, I silenced her before she could get too far with that and I hopped on the train. As an after thought, I stuck my head through the window and whispered "Tell Voldie-Waldy I'll miss him!" She nodded and joined the queue lining up to be let back through Platform 9 and three-quarters.

Of course, I immediately rounded up my old crowd, Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy, and went to search out Potter. Or should I say Harry, my sweet Harry, who of course I am madly in love and lust with and I have been struggling to hide it since my first year at dear old Hogwarts.

Oh dear, the inner passion is tearing me apart. Why do I taunt him and torment him, letting such hate fill my voice when I say his name? WHY OH WHY GOD!!!!

I should really stop, bursting into to tears on the train, while it would excellently compliment my angsty torn inside struggling with good and evil image would just not be good for my hard-ass image. And we do have to keep up appearances, now don't we?

::smirk::

It's so much fun being me.

With my great hulking cronies at my side I sat out for the last car in the train, where I can always find Potter and his friends. I mean, Harry-arry-kins.

::smiles like a love sick puppy::

But to my surprise, what did I find when I opened the door but Potter, all alone!

"Where's the mudblood, Potter?" I asked, my voice dripping with that perfect mix of icy sarcasm and I-could-care-less-ness.

"Not that it's any of your business, *malfoy*,"

--Oh, my heart wrenches to hear my name uttered from his beautiful lips with such venom...--

"but Hermione took it upon herself to uphold her new *Prefect* duties immediately, and the rest of my company had to clean up a major spill of stinksap."

I stole a guilty glance at the Prefect badge on my robes, how could I get one and not the love of my life? Is there no justice in the world!? ::tear::

"Uh, Malfoy...are you alright?" Harry was looking at me with the same disgusted look in his eyes but this time, underlying it, was...concern? I turned to Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy and told them to go meet me in our car.

Pansy, the simpering little twit, looked positively put-out. "Why?" she whimpered.

God, I want to smack her sometimes.

"Because," I said slowly, as if talking to a dimwitted child, "I want to dispose of *Potter*"

--there goes that heart wrenching again-

"in peace."

She suddenly looked like she got it and left with the other two.

Harry looked across the car into my eyes, flashing anger and hatred with every blink, and I moved closer to him, pulling my wand out of my robe as I did so. Before I could even move, he shouted "Expelliarmus!" and my wand was wrenched from my fingers. He continued his one sided duel while I did nothing but stare into his beautiful emerald eyes. "Accio Draco!"

I was pulled by an inexplicable force into his fingers, one of his hands clutching my robe in a death grip. Of course, I was flushed with a foxish lust at the close contact and his hot breath on my cheeks. But I also knew that I couldn't let him win a duel between us, not with my posse on the train, so I pulled myself from his grip and turned suddenly.

"Accio wand!" My wand flew into my hands and I thought franticlly what I could use to disarm Potter

--my sweet sweet little bundle of Quidditch sex appeal-

to disarm him mentally instead of physically. A malfoy would never duel with someone not armed with a wand, at least a wizard. We may not have had entirely clean hands, but we maintained some semblance of honor! So instead I threw a Stupify in Harry's direction and headed for his trunk.

"Alohamora!" I muttered, getting the trunk to open. "Hmmm..." with my tongue sticking out from between my teeth I set out going through his trunk until...

"Holy Shit!" my hand had strayed onto what was unmistakably a box of

::cough::

protection. Was he shagging the mudblood? It was unthinkable! He should be shagging me every night? What was the world coming to when that buch toothed chit could get come but I, Draco Malfoy, babe and of course oh so sexy, would NOT?

Well, I guess there was time to seduce him later. Right now, I was so angry all I wanted to do was whip his ass.

--mmmmm, whip. Harry....whip. mmmmmmmmmmm...--