Regression
~Secrets~
After several minutes of nervous scuttle, the room had settled into an uncomfortable silence. Phoebe and Joey were sat at the kitchen table, both absently playing with their teacups. Ross, Rachel and Monica were all seated on the sofa, staring at the television. It was not on.
The door to the bathroom opened, and Chandler appeared through the white plumes of steam that emptied into the room with him. He walked silently into the bedroom to change, appearing a moment later in sweatpants and a large Knicks sweatshirt. He sat down in the reading chair that was adjacent to the sofa, and pulled his hands into his sleeves.
"Chandler—" Monica started after a long moment of silence.
"Mon, I'm sorry," Chandler, said shakily, "I should have told you…look, I'm not cheating on you…I'm—I've been seeing a therapist about those nightmares."
"What? Honey, why didn't you tell me they'd gotten so bad?"
"Yeah, and what happened earlier? You really freaked us out! And now you're acting like it was no big deal!" Ross jumped in.
"Ross, you punched him in the face!" Joey said from his spot at the table.
"Look, I'm sorry guys, but I really need to talk to Monica alone, okay?" Chandler smiled apologetically.
Grumbling loudly, the group reluctantly stood up and left the apartment. Chandler stood up, and walked over to the sofa, taking a seat next to Monica.
"Mon…the nightmares are bad, but—" Chandler sighed heavily, and looked down at his hands. Monica took his hands in hers, and gave them a reassuring squeeze.
"I…I found out something about myself…and…it explains a lot about why I've been having the nightmares and stuff, but…" Chandler took a deep, shaky breath, and struggled to continue.
"Wh-what did you find out?" Monica asked softly.
"I…I can't tell you," Chandler whispered, a single tear sliding down his cheek.
"You can tell me anything," Monica said.
"No…I…I don't want you to hate me," Chandler stood up abruptly.
"Why would I hate you?" Monica furrowed her brow, and swallowed down the panic that was forming inside of her.
"Because…because I have to leave," Chandler said quietly.
"What?" Monica shook her head, as she struggled to understand what Chandler was trying to tell her.
"I have to leave you. And you'll hate me, because I can't tell you why I'm leaving…only that…that staying will only cause you pain."
"Wh-where are you going to go?" Monica croaked.
"I don't know yet…I just know I can't stay," Chandler turned and looked out at the New York skyline. He was amazed at how quickly his life had spiraled out of control. But he knew that he could not stay…because he could not live with this secret between them…and he could not handle the look that would inevitably form on her beautiful face should he tell her the truth.
Monica stared at Chandler's back, her shock and fear consuming her. In the back of her head, she wondered if they would have been better off with Chandler cheating. It would have made more sense than…this. She didn't know what to think, and she didn't know how to react. She knew that he wanted to do what was best for her…but she was not willing to let him go. It seemed to her that he needed her more now, than ever before.
Didn't he?
~*~
Chandler moved out two days later. He checked himself into a hotel, and told Monica that he loved her with all his heart. But that did nothing to quell the pain that had taken residence inside of her. She truly felt that she needed to fight to hold onto him, but she didn't want to scare him. So she let him go, and she suffered the worst of emotional breakdowns because of it.
After her breakup with Richard, Monica was sure she'd never felt anything quite so painful. She was sure that dying would be a better option than having to face another day alone. But the pain and loneliness that she'd experienced then was miniscule, compared to this.
She'd never realized just how much she loved him, until she'd lost him.
He stared up at the stark white hotel room ceiling, trying to tell himself that he'd done the right thing. But he felt so alone, and he seriously wondered if being alone was such a good idea at the moment.
Sighing sadly, Chandler decided that he should try to get some sleep. He dug into the blankets, and pulled them tightly around him, before slipping into a deep sleep.
The nightmares were worse than they had ever been; and when he awoke, there was no one there to tell him that it was going to be okay.
