Regression
~Searching Through the Rain~
When I was younger I believed, that dreams came true.
Now I wonder.
Cause' I've seen much more dark skies, than blue.
Now I wonder.
I keep on praying for a blue sky, I keep on searching through the rain.
I keep on thinking of the good times, will they ever come again?
Now I wonder.
Now I wonder.
The rain pounded the windshield relentlessly, water streaking across the wide window like a cluster of transparent veins.
The rhythmic squeaking of the windshield wiper was the only other sound. Chandler sat huddled in the far corner of the front seat, his eyes staring straight ahead, unfocussed. He'd stopped crying an hour ago, when it became apparent that his pleas were going unheard.
Nora struggled to concentrate on the road ahead, slowing slightly as the storm raged heavier.
Throughout the divorce proceedings, Nora had made a conscious effort to keep Chandler out of her and Charles' problems. She knew so many divorcees who used their children to get back at their exes. She refused to be one of those people; she refused to use her only son to exact revenge on her ex-husband. And she had been successful.
Until today.
She had no reason to pull Chandler from the center; he seemed to be progressing a bit, and Nora trusted the people that worked there. No, what she had done she had done for purely selfish reasons.
And now her son was curled on the seat next to her, unresponsive.
The idea that she was the reason her son was like this…it hurt more than anything she'd ever experienced. Charles had hit a nerve; she knew that she should have been there more for Chandler; but she needed to release her frustrations over her failed marriage somewhere. And in her efforts to keep Chandler out of it all, she had neglected him completely.
Until it was too late.
A gust of wind slammed into the car, and it swerved slightly, shaking Nora back to reality. Taking a shaky breath, she pulled off the highway, and parked at a gas station off the main road. She turned toward Chandler, and ran a shaky hand through his light brown hair.
When he didn't respond, she sat back, and stared at his profile for a moment.
He looked…so much like his father. He had her eyes, but it was definitely Charles' nose and chin.
His hair was Charles', but his hands, presently grasping his skinny legs, were hers. They were soft, Nora noted with a small smile. She hoped they stayed that way.
Chandler turned his head, but refused to meet Nora's gaze. Nora took a deep breath before speaking.
"Chandler, honey, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken you away like that. I was angry…but not at you! At your father. He said some things…things that may be true, I suppose, and that's why I was angry. I…honey, you know that I will always be here, if you need anything. Please, just…tell me what I've done wrong," Nora's voice cracked, and she stifled a sob.
Chandler stared at his mother for a moment, shocked that she was breaking down in front of him. He'd never seen her cry before, and it disturbed him slightly. What was he doing to his parents? What could he do to make his Mom stop crying? He swallowed hard, and reached a skinny arm out toward his mother, and tentatively touched her shoulder.
Nora started slightly, but smiled almost immediately.
"Mom, I'm sorry I made you so sad," Chandler whispered.
Nora let out a sob, and pulled Chandler toward her. She rubbed his back as she held him tight.
"Honey, please stop blaming yourself. I am only sad because I don't know how to help you…and that is not your fault. I love you so much, and I just want you to be happy."
Nora held Chandler silently, and did not pull away until he initiated it himself. As he straightened himself back into his seat, Nora ran her hand through his hair again.
"What do you want to do, Chandler? Do you want me to take you back to the center?"
Chandler nodded silently, as he looked at his hands. Nora smiled sadly, and started the engine.
"Sorry," Chandler shrugged, as Nora pulled out onto the road.
"Honey, don't be sorry, okay? I think Corrine is helping you a lot, and I am so grateful for that."
"Maybe I can come home soon," Chandler whispered, more to himself than to Nora.
"I'd like that, honey. I'd like that very much."
Chandler sat on the window seat in Monica's apartment, and watched the rain streak the large picture window in front of him. There was something about the rain that was oddly comforting; it somehow embraced him, in a tight, grey cocoon of security. Chandler lost himself in his thoughts. He wondered which of his memories were true; he wondered if he should reveal his dilemma to Monica or one of his friends; he wondered if he would ever know what really happened. Sighing softly, he stared up at the dark grey sky, and let his mind wander to better times.
"What's a ten-letter word for fickle?" Monica tapped her pen on her lip, and looked at Chandler.
"Huh? Oh, sorry, I was just thinking you look really cute in my pajamas," Chandler grinned slyly, and kissed Monica's temple.
"Yeah, you just don't know a ten-letter word for fickle," Monica laughed.
"Sure I do; capricious," Chandler smiled triumphantly, "can we make out now?"
"As soon as you give me a six-letter word for red," Monica giggled, and snuggled closer to Chandler, as Joey walked in.
"Hey!" Joey grinned.
"Hey!" Monica and Chandler replied.
"What are you guys doing up?"
"Oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed," Chandler smiled, "Hey, do you know a six-letter word for red?"
Joey thought for a moment, "Dark red," he said.
Chandler shot Joey an amused look, "Yeah, I think that's wrong, but there's a Connect-the-Dots in here for you later," he looked down at the paper, for a moment, then smiled, "Hey, how about maroon?"
Monica studied the paper for a moment, before smiling proudly. "Yes! You are so smart!" she exclaimed, and kissed Chandler.
"Aww, you guys are so cute!" Joey grinned.
Monica stirred, and opened her eyes slowly. She sat up, and felt the haze of slumber roll off of her slowly. As her eyes focused, she spotted Chandler seated at the window, lost in thought.
She sat for a moment, and studied his profile silently. He looked…exhausted. Charcoal shadows had taken up permanent residence under his bright blue eyes.
For as long as Monica had known him, Chandler had always had a smile on his face. At times, the smile was knowing and backed with an acerbic remark; other times, his smile would light up his face, crinkling his eyes and the area around his mouth. The latter was so contagious; everyone in the room had to smile with him.
Monica longed to see that smile again.
Chandler turned away from the window, and saw Monica, seated on the sofa, a single tear running down her porcelain cheek. He stood up, and walked toward her.
"Mon, what's wrong?" Chandler asked, as he pulled Monica toward him, and rocked her softly back and forth.
"Oh, n-nothing," Monica sniffled in Chandler's shoulder.
"Mon," Chandler pushed Monica away, and held her shoulders with his hands. He looked into her eyes pleadingly, "Did you have a bad dream?"
Monica shook her head, and Chandler pulled her toward him again.
"I—it's silly, really," Monica laughed.
"What is it?"
"I miss your smile," Monica sniffled, and pulled away from Chandler to look at him, "I miss the old you…I—I just want you to be happy again," Monica shrugged, and looked at her hands, as her cheeks flushed slightly.
"Oh," Chandler replied quietly, and he stood up suddenly.
Monica felt panic course through her suddenly; she'd hurt him—he was upset. She stood up and struggled to repair the damage.
"Chandler, I didn't mean—I mean, um—"
Chandler turned and took Monica's hands in his.
"Mon, it's okay. I'm sorry that I've upset you. And I promise that I will figure this out and I will try…but what if…what if I'm never like that again? What if I'm not the person you fell in love with?"
"No," Monica took a step toward Chandler, "I love you, for you. It has nothing to do with how much you smile, or make me laugh. I am upset, because I love you so much, and to see you in this kind of…I just want you to be happy."
Chandler nodded, and pulled Monica into a tight embrace.
"As long as you're here, I'll be just fine," Chandler muttered.
Monica smiled, and sunk into Chandler's embrace. She ignored the tiny voices in the far corner of her mind; the ones that told her Chandler would never be the same, and neither would they.
The ones that told her that this alone could destroy them.
Corrine watched, as Chandler settled deeper into his bed. The rain had finally let up, and the sky had cleared, revealing a diamond-studded, inky canopy.
Corrine looked down at Chandler again, and noted that for the first time since his arrival, the boy seemed to be sleeping peacefully. A small smile pursed his cherry red lips, and Corrine smiled too. She pulled the thin blanket tighter around his skinny shoulders, and laid a quick kiss on his forehead.
"Sweet dreams, Chandler," she whispered softly, and walked out of the room.
When I was younger I believed, that dreams came true.
Now I wonder.
Cause' I've seen much more dark skies, than blue.
Now I wonder.
I keep on praying for a blue sky, I keep on searching through the rain.
I keep on thinking of the good times, will they ever come again?
Now I wonder.
Now I wonder.
I keep on praying for a blue sky, I keep on searching through the rain.
I keep on thinking of the good times, will they ever come again?
Now I wonder.
Now I wonder.
When I was younger I believed, that I could win.
Now I wonder.
There was a time when you and I, walked hand & hand.
Now I wonder.
I keep on searching for the old me, I keep on thinking I can change.
I keep on hoping for a new day, will I ever feel the same?
Now I wonder.
Oh I wonder.
Now I wonder.
('I Wonder' by Chris Isaak, ©1996)
AN: Some dialogue borrowed from episode 516; The One With a Cop.
