Road Trip
By Joe Dirt
Disclaimers and all that dumb crap: I don't own Rockstar Games, Rockstar North, the United States Interstate Highway System, or any other crap like that. I'm not Bill Gates, OK? Flames welcome, but don't put too much Tabasco Sauce on them, OK?
It was a gloomy day in Vice City. It was raining for the past few days and floodwaters were rising by the hour. Tommy Vercetti was in his 4 Wheel Drive Landstalker, driving through pools of rain water, splashing any passing bystanders on Ocean Drive. Vice City Public Radio was reporting on storm conditions, instead of the normal programming, Pressing Issues. The CEO of Well-Stacked Pizza, Jezz Torrent, and Willy of Love Fist were scheduled originally on today's show.
Tommy pulled into the Ocean View hotel, which he now owned. The hotel was closed do to the weather in the Vice City area, but he took they key to the building and went inside. The dining room area was dark, with the ceiling fans running and only a table lamp lit. Usually the dining area is thriving with life. He went up the stairs a few stories up to his room/office.
He put his keys to the Landstalker on his coffee table, and went to check his answering machine. The electronic voice stated he had 2 messages. First message was from Ken Rosenberg, his lawyer and drinking buddy. He said that if you wanted to have a few rounds at the Malibu he said meet him at around 8:30. Tommy and Ken share ownership of the Malibu Club, but Tommy gets 95% of the profits. Ken gets medical and dental coverage, plus the remaining 5% of the profits. He deleted Ken's message and pressed on to the next message, which puzzled him.
"My name is Toni. Toni Cipriani. I'm with the Salvatore Family Mafia out of Liberty City. I have a proposition for you. Reach me at (212) 268-8575."
He reached his phone and punched in the numbers of this Toni. The phone rang twice, and then a woman with a very deep Italian voice answered. "This is Momma's Restaurante, whadda ya need?"
"Yes, I'm looking for Toni."
"Hold on a sec, I'll see if Toni's in. The voice was muffled but was still loud through the receiver. "YO! WHERE'S TONI! RICK, MOVE YOUR BIG ASS AND FIND TONI, YOU SLACKER! DON'T MAKE ME FIRE YOU!" It stayed silent for a few moments until he heard a voice at the other end of the line. "Momma, why you gotta treat Rick like a rag doll, huh?" "AH, SHUTUP AND TALK TO THE GUY ON THE PHONE!" "Who is it?" "I don't know. Maybe one of your boyfriends."
"Hello, this is Toni." "Hello, this is Tommy Vercetti. You called me earlier saying you had a proposition." "Oh, yeah.let me fill you in. I phoned you and every other high liner in Vice City for some kind of competition. You gotta drive from Vice City to Liberty City, and claim the prize." "What kind of prize?" "That's for you to find out. You will have assigned cars. Look at your mailbox and you'll find a key in there. Head to the Washington Mall Parking lot. Look at several cars in the upper-right hand corner. You may get the cream of the crop---an Infernus-or the dud---a Regina Station wagon with a dent in the passenger side door. As I said, that's for you to find out. If your car breaks down, crashes, blows up, get stolen, or what have you.find another way. Do you agree with this?"
Tommy thought about it for a minute. He was distracted by Momma in the background screaming her lungs out. "TONI, WILL YOU GET OFF THAT GOD DAMN PHONE? YOU'RE SOARING MY PHONE BILL!" "I need a decision now, Tommy." He sighed and agreed. He hung up his phone and sat down for a minute. He thought about what he just accepted, and what might happen. He opened his gun cabinet, and took out a Colt 45, a meat cleaver, a PSGI, and a stubby shotgun and stuffed them in an empty silver suitcase. He packed some clothes with the weapons, walked out his room and to his mailbox. He found a key, engraving a Star symbol and a number "4". He walked out of the hotel, locked up, and headed to the Washington Mall.
Just before Tommy arrived at the Washington Mall, a black limo was entering the parking lot. Tommy took a pair of binoculars under the driver's seat, and investigated the limo. A chauffer came out and opened the driver side passenger door. Out came congressman Alex Shrub and philanthropist Candice Shand, former adult star Candy Suxxx, the "laughable political couple", the Vice Courier stated after their recent wedding. Alex Shrub pressed a button on his key, which flashed the lights of the car that Toni assigned them. A Red Sentinel XS' lights flashed, identifying the assigned car. The limo's trunk opened and various suitcases and baggage were placed in the trunk of the XS. After the things were packed, the Sentinel XS was started up and pulled out of the lot. The limo tailed them, but not for long. Tommy considered the opposition and decided to turn around and get a certain somebody.
Tommy stopped in front of Ken Rosenberg's office, went in, and came out by Rosenberg, clutching a suitcase, being dragged by the collar. Rosenberg kept asking stupid pleads of "Let me free!", but Tommy ignored them, since he explained what was going on inside the office. He turned around and headed back to the Washington Mall parking lot.
Tommy parked right next to a moped that wasn't recognizable in Vice City. The rain had let up a tiny bit so he pressed the button on his key, and the lights of a Gang Burrito lit up. "Good, Rosenberg. You can sit in the back." Tommy chuckled. Rosenberg scoffed and said "What do you mean, sit in the back, with the luggage? Nobody else is coming, right?" Rosenberg said. Tommy just shook his head and threw his luggage and Rosenberg's luggage. Tommy took the driver's seat and Rosenberg jumped into the passenger side seat. On the dashboard was a tape labeled "Car Recipient". Tommy placed the tape in the player and it started playing this message:
"Car Recipient Mr. Vercetti:
You are here by assigned to travel from Vice City to Liberty City. No time limit is issued, though you will have to be first to receive your "prize". A GPS monitor is under the radio. This is a very expensive and exclusive piece of equipment, and is only available for this opportunity. If it is destroyed somehow, you are out of luck. Operate it by pressing the red button, and it will tell you your present place on any road in the United States. Once you are in Liberty City, a turquoise dot will represent Momma's Restaurante, your destination. One last thing: Drive fast. Good luck."
Tommy ejects the tape and throws it out of the window, backs the van out of the lot, and runs the tape over on the way out.
Tommy was speeding down Biscayne Boulevard, the road that lines the mainland coast, towards Little Haiti. He sped through a few red lights and a minor accident scene before turning onto the street where Phil Cassidy's trailer was located. He pulled into the lot and parked outside the trailer. "Wait here, and don't touch anything." Tommy warned to Rosenberg, who was fidgety in his seat, listening to a Love Fist cassette. "Yeah, yeah, what-- whatever, Tommy." Rosenberg stammered anxiously.
Tommy ran up to the trailer and banged on the door. He placed his ear on the door, and heard an AC/DC record blasted really loud and several screams of pleasure and delight coming from the inside of the trailer, plus with Phil's whooping and shouts of "You got it, baby!" and several other quotes like that. Tommy shook his head and went up to the window near Phil's bedroom. He grabbed the Colt 45 from his suitcase, aimed it at the record player, and fired a round at it. The record player released an ear-piercing sound, and then stopped. The unidentified woman covered herself up, and Phil jumped to his feet, getting his pants on and grabbing a Colt Python on his desk. Tommy walked to the door, and waited for a few seconds until Phil busted the door open and hollered "WHO THE HELL WAS THAT?! SHOW YOURSELF, YOU---"and then he stopped and stared at Tommy. Tommy waved.
Phil was walking outside of his trailer with several suitcases clutched in his one hand. He threw them in the back of the Gang Burrito, where Rosenberg was sitting at now. "You take care of my cases, son." Phil ordered. Rosenberg mumbled something incoherently and places the cases in neat stacks. Phil went up to the grille of the van, and tore off the teddy bear from there, mouthing 'What the hell is this?' Tommy shrugged and Phil threw the teddy bear at the trailer. Phil walked up to the passenger side door, opened it, and got inside. Tommy shook his hand, and took a few glimpses at his missing limb. The girl that Phil was having hot and dirty passion with walked outside in a little top and blue jeans that were cut extremely short. She came up to the window, kissed Phil and slapped Tommy, and went back inside. "Who was that, Phil?" Tommy asked curiously. Phil punched Tommy and yelled "Shut up, son. I was having a great time until you blew my AC/DC record and my hard on!" Rosenberg laughed and Tommy, rubbing his face while clutching the steering wheel, drove out of Phil's place into the slums of Little Haiti, heading for the Interstate.
Disclaimers and all that dumb crap: I don't own Rockstar Games, Rockstar North, the United States Interstate Highway System, or any other crap like that. I'm not Bill Gates, OK? Flames welcome, but don't put too much Tabasco Sauce on them, OK?
It was a gloomy day in Vice City. It was raining for the past few days and floodwaters were rising by the hour. Tommy Vercetti was in his 4 Wheel Drive Landstalker, driving through pools of rain water, splashing any passing bystanders on Ocean Drive. Vice City Public Radio was reporting on storm conditions, instead of the normal programming, Pressing Issues. The CEO of Well-Stacked Pizza, Jezz Torrent, and Willy of Love Fist were scheduled originally on today's show.
Tommy pulled into the Ocean View hotel, which he now owned. The hotel was closed do to the weather in the Vice City area, but he took they key to the building and went inside. The dining room area was dark, with the ceiling fans running and only a table lamp lit. Usually the dining area is thriving with life. He went up the stairs a few stories up to his room/office.
He put his keys to the Landstalker on his coffee table, and went to check his answering machine. The electronic voice stated he had 2 messages. First message was from Ken Rosenberg, his lawyer and drinking buddy. He said that if you wanted to have a few rounds at the Malibu he said meet him at around 8:30. Tommy and Ken share ownership of the Malibu Club, but Tommy gets 95% of the profits. Ken gets medical and dental coverage, plus the remaining 5% of the profits. He deleted Ken's message and pressed on to the next message, which puzzled him.
"My name is Toni. Toni Cipriani. I'm with the Salvatore Family Mafia out of Liberty City. I have a proposition for you. Reach me at (212) 268-8575."
He reached his phone and punched in the numbers of this Toni. The phone rang twice, and then a woman with a very deep Italian voice answered. "This is Momma's Restaurante, whadda ya need?"
"Yes, I'm looking for Toni."
"Hold on a sec, I'll see if Toni's in. The voice was muffled but was still loud through the receiver. "YO! WHERE'S TONI! RICK, MOVE YOUR BIG ASS AND FIND TONI, YOU SLACKER! DON'T MAKE ME FIRE YOU!" It stayed silent for a few moments until he heard a voice at the other end of the line. "Momma, why you gotta treat Rick like a rag doll, huh?" "AH, SHUTUP AND TALK TO THE GUY ON THE PHONE!" "Who is it?" "I don't know. Maybe one of your boyfriends."
"Hello, this is Toni." "Hello, this is Tommy Vercetti. You called me earlier saying you had a proposition." "Oh, yeah.let me fill you in. I phoned you and every other high liner in Vice City for some kind of competition. You gotta drive from Vice City to Liberty City, and claim the prize." "What kind of prize?" "That's for you to find out. You will have assigned cars. Look at your mailbox and you'll find a key in there. Head to the Washington Mall Parking lot. Look at several cars in the upper-right hand corner. You may get the cream of the crop---an Infernus-or the dud---a Regina Station wagon with a dent in the passenger side door. As I said, that's for you to find out. If your car breaks down, crashes, blows up, get stolen, or what have you.find another way. Do you agree with this?"
Tommy thought about it for a minute. He was distracted by Momma in the background screaming her lungs out. "TONI, WILL YOU GET OFF THAT GOD DAMN PHONE? YOU'RE SOARING MY PHONE BILL!" "I need a decision now, Tommy." He sighed and agreed. He hung up his phone and sat down for a minute. He thought about what he just accepted, and what might happen. He opened his gun cabinet, and took out a Colt 45, a meat cleaver, a PSGI, and a stubby shotgun and stuffed them in an empty silver suitcase. He packed some clothes with the weapons, walked out his room and to his mailbox. He found a key, engraving a Star symbol and a number "4". He walked out of the hotel, locked up, and headed to the Washington Mall.
Just before Tommy arrived at the Washington Mall, a black limo was entering the parking lot. Tommy took a pair of binoculars under the driver's seat, and investigated the limo. A chauffer came out and opened the driver side passenger door. Out came congressman Alex Shrub and philanthropist Candice Shand, former adult star Candy Suxxx, the "laughable political couple", the Vice Courier stated after their recent wedding. Alex Shrub pressed a button on his key, which flashed the lights of the car that Toni assigned them. A Red Sentinel XS' lights flashed, identifying the assigned car. The limo's trunk opened and various suitcases and baggage were placed in the trunk of the XS. After the things were packed, the Sentinel XS was started up and pulled out of the lot. The limo tailed them, but not for long. Tommy considered the opposition and decided to turn around and get a certain somebody.
Tommy stopped in front of Ken Rosenberg's office, went in, and came out by Rosenberg, clutching a suitcase, being dragged by the collar. Rosenberg kept asking stupid pleads of "Let me free!", but Tommy ignored them, since he explained what was going on inside the office. He turned around and headed back to the Washington Mall parking lot.
Tommy parked right next to a moped that wasn't recognizable in Vice City. The rain had let up a tiny bit so he pressed the button on his key, and the lights of a Gang Burrito lit up. "Good, Rosenberg. You can sit in the back." Tommy chuckled. Rosenberg scoffed and said "What do you mean, sit in the back, with the luggage? Nobody else is coming, right?" Rosenberg said. Tommy just shook his head and threw his luggage and Rosenberg's luggage. Tommy took the driver's seat and Rosenberg jumped into the passenger side seat. On the dashboard was a tape labeled "Car Recipient". Tommy placed the tape in the player and it started playing this message:
"Car Recipient Mr. Vercetti:
You are here by assigned to travel from Vice City to Liberty City. No time limit is issued, though you will have to be first to receive your "prize". A GPS monitor is under the radio. This is a very expensive and exclusive piece of equipment, and is only available for this opportunity. If it is destroyed somehow, you are out of luck. Operate it by pressing the red button, and it will tell you your present place on any road in the United States. Once you are in Liberty City, a turquoise dot will represent Momma's Restaurante, your destination. One last thing: Drive fast. Good luck."
Tommy ejects the tape and throws it out of the window, backs the van out of the lot, and runs the tape over on the way out.
Tommy was speeding down Biscayne Boulevard, the road that lines the mainland coast, towards Little Haiti. He sped through a few red lights and a minor accident scene before turning onto the street where Phil Cassidy's trailer was located. He pulled into the lot and parked outside the trailer. "Wait here, and don't touch anything." Tommy warned to Rosenberg, who was fidgety in his seat, listening to a Love Fist cassette. "Yeah, yeah, what-- whatever, Tommy." Rosenberg stammered anxiously.
Tommy ran up to the trailer and banged on the door. He placed his ear on the door, and heard an AC/DC record blasted really loud and several screams of pleasure and delight coming from the inside of the trailer, plus with Phil's whooping and shouts of "You got it, baby!" and several other quotes like that. Tommy shook his head and went up to the window near Phil's bedroom. He grabbed the Colt 45 from his suitcase, aimed it at the record player, and fired a round at it. The record player released an ear-piercing sound, and then stopped. The unidentified woman covered herself up, and Phil jumped to his feet, getting his pants on and grabbing a Colt Python on his desk. Tommy walked to the door, and waited for a few seconds until Phil busted the door open and hollered "WHO THE HELL WAS THAT?! SHOW YOURSELF, YOU---"and then he stopped and stared at Tommy. Tommy waved.
Phil was walking outside of his trailer with several suitcases clutched in his one hand. He threw them in the back of the Gang Burrito, where Rosenberg was sitting at now. "You take care of my cases, son." Phil ordered. Rosenberg mumbled something incoherently and places the cases in neat stacks. Phil went up to the grille of the van, and tore off the teddy bear from there, mouthing 'What the hell is this?' Tommy shrugged and Phil threw the teddy bear at the trailer. Phil walked up to the passenger side door, opened it, and got inside. Tommy shook his hand, and took a few glimpses at his missing limb. The girl that Phil was having hot and dirty passion with walked outside in a little top and blue jeans that were cut extremely short. She came up to the window, kissed Phil and slapped Tommy, and went back inside. "Who was that, Phil?" Tommy asked curiously. Phil punched Tommy and yelled "Shut up, son. I was having a great time until you blew my AC/DC record and my hard on!" Rosenberg laughed and Tommy, rubbing his face while clutching the steering wheel, drove out of Phil's place into the slums of Little Haiti, heading for the Interstate.
