Barstool Sessions II
Welcome to Jersey




Ben Reilly, former Key West native and local bartender
extraordinary, stood behind the bar holding a half-empty mug of
Guinness in his left hand and a burnt out cigar in his right. Ben's
jaw hung open as he looked at Denis. The overly tanned barkeep took a
few controlled breaths and closed his eyes.
"Denis, please...repeat what you just told me." Ben held his
head in his right hand as he spoke.

Denis Leary, the owner of McLeary's Tavern, stood before Ben. A
fresh cigarette held gently between his lips as he searched for a
light. "You heard me. I'm opening a new bar, and I want you to run
it." Denis' eyes widened at the flame that appeared before him.
"Thanks Ben."
Ben nodded as he lit his cigar. "No problem boss. So where
exactly are you opening this new bar?"
Denis smirked as he blew the smoke from his nose. "That's the
best part. Its gonna be in Jersey."
Ben dropped the mug he was holding as his cigar hit the bar.
"WHAT?! YOU'RE SENDING ME TO JERSEY!!! FUUUUUCK!!!" Ben leaned over
the bar and began slamming his head repeatedly into the polished oak
bar. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...FUCK!!!"
Denis stepped upto his most respected worker and tapped his
shoulder. "Reilly. Calm down, I was just joking with you."
Ben turned to his employer and growled. "I hate you, you know
that? I've been back from Key West for less than a month and you drop
that on me." Ben straightened his back and looked down on his boss.
"I'm gonna grab a mop and a broom. Think you can keep the bad jokes
out of here for a few?"
The taller man turned on his heel and stalked into the back
storage room. Denis watched as his young friend left a feeling of
regret stitched on his features.

Sheila, tall with blue spiky hair in a black and white mid-drift
and skin tight jeans, walked up and placed her tray on the bar.
"Where'd Ben go?"
Denis looked to the waitress and sighed. "He's in the back. He
dropped a glass."
An expression of shock spread across Sheila's Asian features.
"What? Ben's never dropped a glass before. What happened?"
Denis placed a number of bottles on the tray as Sheila began
emptying glasses. "I told him I was moving him to Jersey, and he
freaked out." Denis took a drag off his cigarette before extinguishing
it. "I'm worried about him. Ever since he returned from his trip back
home he's been different. Something happened down there, and whatever
it was it wasn't good for him."
Sheila picked up her now full tray and gave Denis a weak smile.
"It was the first time he'd been home in four years. There were a lot
of unresolved issues when he left there last time. Maybe he still has
a few to work through."
Denis nodded as he picked up a bottle and walked out from behind
the bar. "Maybe you're right. It's not my place to interfere."

Ben stood in the doorway to the back room as he listened to Denis
and Sheila. "Shel, you don't know how right you are." Ben picked up
the broom and mop and headed into the bar to clean up the mess he'd
made. "I should make Denis do this."




A woman standing just around 5 foot 3 stood outside McLeary's
Tavern. Her dark brown hair flapping gently in the light winter
breeze. The woman looked at the folded newspaper in her hands and then
to the bright neon sign before her.
"This can't be the place, can it? This is a bar." Her dark
brown eyes quickly scanned the newspaper. She shrugged and stepped
into the bar.


Ben threw the useless shards of glass into the trash. "Sometimes
I wonder why I go back to that damn island." Ben picked up a bar towel
and wiped his hands clean. Ben sighed after a moment, "Because it's
home, and you never forget home."
The auburn haired bartender watched as the front door opened and
a woman in her mid-twenties entered giving the tavern a curious look
around. Ben shrugged and poured a glass of Sam Adams and slid it down
the bar.

The woman looked around the bar slightly confused. After a
minute she headed to the bar and sat at one unoccupied stools. "Excuse
me?" she asked sheepishly. "Hello?"
The woman watched as the man behind the bar poured beers, opened
bottles, and mixed drinks. The bartender moved like he lived behind
the bar. If she didn't know any better she'd swear his eyes were
closed.

Ben slid a mug down the bar. "Okay, two quad shots of tequila, a
single of Scotch, and a bottle of Corona Extra." Ben did a single
twirl and reached out grabbing a bottle of tequila in one hand and a
pair of quad shot glasses in the other. Carefully he placed them on
the bar and reached behind himself.
Ben's hand gripped a bottle of Scotch, which he placed on the
bar. Without trying he pulled down a shot glass and placed it on the
bar top. Ben grabbed the two bottles and tipped them upside down
allowing their contents to fall into their respective glasses.
The experienced bartender flipped the bottle of Scotch into the
air as he moved the tequila to the next glass. Ben caught the bottle
and placed it on the bar, at the same time he placed the tequila down.
"And now for the finale." Ben reached under the bar and pulled a
bottle out and placed it on the bar.
"BA BOOM!" Ben reached up and pulled the thick blindfold off his
eyes. "You loose, two hundred bucks right now!" The young bartender
smiled evilly at the man before him.
A man in a business suit with graying hair removed his wallet and
placed two bills on the bar. "Son, you've got quite a talent there.
What would you say if I could get you on Broadway?"
Ben placed the bottles behind the bar and smiled. "I'd say you
owe me twenty bucks for the booze and fuck off. I don't trust anyone
in the entertainment industry. But if you want a good actress here."
The island native reached into his wallet and tossed a card at the man.
"Call either of the two numbers on there. Both those girls are amazing
actresses."
The man looked at the card in his hand. "Carissa Simmons and
Shackera Rookwood?"
Ben growled slightly. "Its Shakeira, ya know like the singer.
The pair of 'em are great actresses, of course they work better
together. Just don't tell 'em who recommended them, alright."
The man nodded as he paid for his drinks. "Alright son, thanks."
Ben smiled. "No problem." He took the money and placed it in
the register. "Ya no good baka producer," he mumbled.


The woman leaned over the bar slightly and waved at the man
behind the bar. "Hey!" She whistled in an attempt to gain his
attention.

Ben turned at the sound of someone whistling to find a woman
leaning on the bar waving at him. With a gentle jump in his step the
island boy walked the few feet and stood before her. "Good evening
m'lady. How might this humble patron of alcohol serve you? You look
like you could use a stiff drink."
"Um, well..." she spoke quietly.
Ben frowned. "Yo Shel! Turn the box down, will ya?!" The
volume of the Rolling Stones "Bridges to Babylon" CD lowered in the
background. Ben smiled happily. "You were saying?"
The woman blushed slightly. "I was wondering...about the
apartment...for rent." To emphasize her point the woman placed the
folded newspaper on the bar.
Curiously Ben picked up the newspaper and read the ad. "Hmm,
that's strange." The young man placed the paper on the bar and
shrugged. "You'll have to see Denis. He's in his office upstairs and
to the far left."
The woman smiled as she took the paper back. "T-thank you."
Ben nodded, "No problem. Hurry up, we're about to hit the
midnight run and this place is gonna be packed."
"Alright, thanks." The woman nodded and scurried through the
tavern for the staircase.
Ben nodded as he looked at a regular sitting at the far end of
the bar. "Hey, Maleck! Usual?" A tall, thin woman with dark black
hair in a stylish dress nodded. Ben grabbed a martini shaker and began
work on a drink.


Denis sat behind his desk looking at the sales figures for the
last month. Ever since Ben had returned from Key West the sales had
nearly quadrupled, and Denis couldn't tell why. Sales had been
slightly sluggish since Ben went off to Los Angeles, especially with
Ben's raise and partial ownership, but they hadn't gone to a point
where they couldn't be handled.
Denis grumbled as he lit another cigarette. "Dammit boy, what is
it about you?" Denis leaned back in his chair and looked at the
ceiling. "It's nice having him back, but there is something different
about him. I wish he'd just open up to Sheila or myself."
Denis took a drag off his cigarette and blew the smoke at the
ceiling above. He was about to return to his musings when he heard a
knock at the door. "Enter."

The woman knocked on the door gently. Being new to the big city
was a real damper on her. "Enter," a voice called from inside. Not
wanting to insult her possible landlord the woman opened the door and
stepped inside.
She closed the door and stepped a little further into the office.
"Excuse me, are you Denis?" The blonde man behind the desk nodded.
"Sure am, how can I help you?" Denis took a long drag off his
cigarette before putting it out.
The woman looked at Denis for a moment. "I was inquiring about
the apartment for rent. My name's Lillyanna." She stepped upto the
desk and reached out.
Denis took her hand and gave it a gentle shake.
Lillyanna stepped back. "I asked your bartender about it, but he
told me to talk with you." Denis nodded again. Lillyanna looked
around slightly confused. "Don't take this wrong, but this is a bar,
correct?"
Denis nodded again as he looked at the woman before him. She was
short but it seemed to suit her. She wore a purple silk shirt with
ruffled sleeves and a low neck line revealing a large amount of
cleavage. She wore a pair of black leather pants with a pair of thigh
high black boots.
"Then where's the apartment?" Lillyanna asked dragging Denis
back to his original train of thought.
Denis looked at the woman before him and smirked. "Head
downstairs and ask Ben to show it to you. He's the guy behind the bar.
If he asks tell him I'll take over while he shows the apartment to you,
alright?"
Lillyanna nodded. "Okay. Thanks." She turned and walked out of
the office heading back downstairs. A tiny smile on her feminine,
almost feline, features as she remembered how Denis kept staring at her.

Ben tossed a pair of bottles into the air and caught them upside
down, quickly he crossed his arms and poured the liquids into their
appropriate glasses. Just as quickly he flipped them into the air and
slid the glasses down the bar.
"Ben," a feminine voice asked.
The tan barkeep looked around for the voice, almost missing the
falling bottles. Everyone in viewing range gasped as the bottles fell
towards the bar. Ever the expert Ben reached out and gripped the two
bottles by their necks, mouths up.
A resound of claps and cheers filled the expansive room. Ben
took a few bows before replacing the bottles. After the bottles were
resting properly the barkeep took a look around for whoever called him.

Lillyanna watched as the man with the ponytail and tan skin
played up the crowd surround him. He moved towards her with a tiny
smile on his features. "Ben?"
The auburn bartender nodded. "Yup. What can I do for you?"
Lillyanna returned the smile. "Uh...Denis said he wanted you to
show me around the apartment. If you don't mind."
Ben gave the woman a curious look as he turned on his heel.
Standing at the top of the staircase with his arms crossed was Denis.
Ben turned back to Lillyanna and shrugged, "Why not. I'm still on the
clock." Ben tossed his towel on the bar, placed his hand and jumped
over landing on his feet. "Come on."
With that the pair of brunettes took their leave of the tavern
for the apartment above them.


Ben pushed the door open. "Here you go. Simple place really.
Two bed, bath, living room, and a kitchen...its not much, but the rent
sounds cheap. What's Denis asking $200 a month?"
Lillyanna smiled as she looked around the apartment. "$225, but
that sounds like a steal really." The young woman made her way across
the room to the large window directly opposite the door. "Oh, this'll
be perfect for my herb garden."
Ben leaned against the closed door, his hands resting in his
duster pockets. He'd retrieved the coat saying the keys were in the
pocket. "Herb garden...what are you some kinda witch?" Ben's deep
voice rumbled as he laughed deep in his throat.
Lillyanna turned and glared at the man before her. She rested he
hands on her small waist and humphed. "As a matter of fact, I AM a
Wiccan. Do you have a problem with that?!"
Ben's laughter stopped abruptly as he opened his eyes. "What?
Oh sheist! I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I should have recognized a
fellow Wicca." A look of shame crossed his features.
Lillyanna looked the bartender over with a quizzical stare. He
stood there in a red satin shirt with a silver dragon embroidered in
the fabric. His stone washed jeans were well worn, they no longer had
the common rough texture of new jeans but still looked like they would
last another decade. The obsidian leather duster draped around his
body like a second skin, he wore it with pride and it carried an air of
authority and respect with it. His hair was long and pulled back into
a thick auburn ponytail reaching past his shoulders.
Lillyanna smiled ruefully. "Well then, seeing as you're a fellow
witch maybe you wouldn't mind helping in some of the more..."
Lillyanna paused and licked her upper teeth seductively, "...fun spells
that I know."

Ben could feel a tightening in his jeans and not for the first
time since purchasing, them ten years ago, wished he'd bought a bigger
size. "Well...that'd be kinda hard."
Lillyanna frowned and pouted, her little plan had fallen through.
"Oh, and why is that?"
Ben pulled his coat tight and turned around to face the door. "I
quit practicing. Look I'm going back downstairs. Look around some
more if you want, I've gotta get back to work."
Having said that, the auburn bartender grabbed the door handle
and pulled. Ben exited the room silently leaving the possible new
resident of McLeary's alone in the apartment.
Lillyanna watched as the man left her alone. It was obvious that
whatever caused him to stop practicing was weighing heavily upon him.
With a sigh Lillyanna followed the bartender downstairs.


Denis took the keys from Ben and walked out from behind the bar.
"So is she gonna take it?"
Ben frowned. "Why do you want to get rid of it so bad? I liked
having the apartment free. It gave me a place to sleep when I decide I
need to get plastered."
Denis frowned in return. "You can sleep on the bar. Its not
like you haven't done it before."
Ben grinned slightly. "True, I have. That's not the point. I
know you're not selling that place to keep me from passing out in the
bar. So come on, why are you doing it?"
Denis sighed and leaned on the bar, motioning his employee
closer. Ben abided and leaned in. Denis looked around quickly and
whispered to the island boy. "It'll make for a HUGE tax write off.
You've quadrupled my income since the LA bar went up, I don't know how
you did it...but since you came back from the island profits are up
400%. So I'm gonna use the apartment as a tax write off."
Ben rolled his eyes at the blonde haired man before him. "What
do you care? You don't even report the real amount of cash that's
brought in. Why the write off?"
Denis sighed. "I've had some IRS guys coming in now and again
and just in case they..."
"...find your real books you want some kind of loophole. I see."
Ben shook his head and picked up a towel. "And that's why I never file
my taxes."
Denis' jaw dropped. "So, THAT'S why you always want to be paid
in cash."
Ben shrugged as he opened a bottle of beer. "What can I say? I
haven't forgotten my island roots. Now if you don't mind Lilly's
behind you and I think she wants to talk." Ben turned a quick 180 and
asked a woman what she'd like to drink.

Denis looked behind him to find Lillyanna sitting beside him at
the bar. Denis smiled at the young woman beside him. "So, how'd you
like the apartment?"
Lillyanna smiled back as she watched Ben work. "The apartment's
nice, but I don't know about the whole bar thing. And I'm not a big
Rolling Stones fan."
Denis frowned as he watched a possible sale go away. "What can I
do to assure this sale?"
The auburn haired woman hmmmed as she looked around in faux
thought. "I don't know..."
Denis looked behind the bar at Ben in a vain hope that he'd help
him. The young bartender shrugged and turned his back to fulfill an
order for Bloody Mary's. Denis turned back to Lillyanna and sighed.
"Well I guess we can keep the music down, and maybe I could consider
going back to $220 a month."
"Well...I like the music idea, but twenty is still out of my
range. How about two even?"
Denis' eyes bulged at the woman's suggestion. "WHAT?! $215 and
that's as low as I'll go!"
Lillyanna smirked and reached out. "Fair enough Mr. Leary.
You've just made a sale. Ben, a round of Jell-O shots for me and Mr.
Leary."

Ben shook his head smiling to himself. Not since his own
haggling with Denis had the boy seen anyone talk money with his boss
like that. The auburn bartender had known what Lillyanna was going to
do, he'd felt the apprehension she'd been feeling since she walked down
the stairs as she planned how to weasel out of some of the price.
With a flip of his ponytail Ben turned around and stared down his
boss and soon to be sometimes roommate. "Sorry lass, but the boss
never ordered any Jell-O. We're a bar, not a nightclub."
Lillyanna frowned as she looked at the man before her. "Got any
wine coolers?"
Ben rolled his eyes and looked at the ceiling, with pursed lips
he mentally ran inventory on what was available. After a long minute
the bartender nodded and walked from behind the bar into the storeroom.
Lillyanna watched as the man behind the bar disappeared. Once he
was gone she looked to Denis. "Is he always that aloof?"

The young woman's answer came not from beside her, but from
behind. Sheila slipped up next to Denis and placed her tray on the
bar. "Denis I swear ever since Ben came back here, everyone he's ever
met has been in this bar. Now I know why he's here 'til the ungodly
hours."
Denis turned to his Asian waitress. "What do you mean Sheila?
Ben's cleaning the bar every night at those 'ungodly hours' as you call
them."
Sheila sighed and fell onto a stool. "True, but he's also here
talking with people. Everyone keeps asking if Ben's busy tonight, they
all seem to want to share their problems with him." The blue haired
woman leaned back against the bar and covered her face for a second.
"He's an amazing listener and an awesome problem solver, but I don't
think even he could handle all these people tonight."
Denis nodded and took a sip from his beer. "How right you are.
But as long as he does his job I don't really mind what he dose on his
own time."

"Funny. I could swear I was still clocked in at two every
morning. That seems to be when I rush my chat partners out on
average." Ben had returned with a wine cooler that he'd given to
Lillyanna. "There ya go love."
Denis turned on his employee. "Ben, I don't mind you helping
people. Actually I encourage it. The more problems you solve the more
people that come here, and the sooner I raise all of your paychecks.
But could you try not too keep people here all night?"
Ben shrugged and picked up a towel to clean the bar with. "Sure
thing boss. Now if you don't mind I need to make the last call." Ben
smiled as he grabbed the microphone and informed the patrons that it
was time to pay up or ship out.




Ben tossed his towel into a pile of dirty rags and sighed. A
week off in Key West had ruined the young bartender. Seeing his
old friends, his family, people he had grown up with, and a number of
ex-girlfriends had reminded Ben why he'd left the island originally.
The week back home was supposed to be a week of rest, relaxation,
and re-energizing. Instead it had turned into four days of paradise, a
day of hell as every ex-lover hunted him down and attempted to castrate
him, and two days of non-stop drinking. What had once been heaven had
become hell to the young man.
Ben sighed as he remembered the last few hours he'd spent in Key
West before things began to blur in his mind. Blonde hair dyed red, a
slap to the face, two women leaving the man alone on the beach, Robbie
standing over him with his head hung...

Ben slammed his fist into the bar. "GOD DAMMIT!!! This is NOT
happening!" The bartender pulled his leg back and kicked the bar
causing a solid thud as his foot connected with the hard oak wood.
"Not again! This will NOT happen to me again! I left there once
with no regrets, and I'll do it again! If those bitches think that
I'll just take that shit and let it control me they're too fucking
wrong!" Ben slammed his fist down hard once more as he cursed.

Lillyanna stood in the threshold of the bar, a large cardboard
box in her hands. It had been obvious Ben hadn't heard her enter.
She'd been hoping for a hand in bringing her stuff into the apartment
what she hadn't expected was to see something no one else had seen
before.
The most popular bartender in New York City's West End in a
breakdown was probably the last thing Lillyanna ever thought she'd be
privy too. The young Wicca waited until the bartender calmed down
before she placed her belongings on the floor and joined him at the
bar.

Ben looked down into the mug of Guinness he'd been drinking for
the past two hours. In that time it's volume had changed so little
that one could swear it was still full. The auburn bartender closed
his eyes tightly as he felt something.
The island native could feel something compassionate and
concerned slowly closing the distance between himself and the emotions.
Ben gripped the highly polished bar and gritted his teeth. Taking a
strained breath Ben released the bar and his breath as he spoke.
"Lillyanna, I'd love to help you move your stuff but I'm not exactly in
the mood right now. Sorry."
Ben started to push himself from the bar when he felt a strong
arm push him back down. "Nuh-uh cowboy, sit, talk. What's bothering
you?" Lillyanna was sitting beside Ben holding his shoulder.
Ben glared for a moment before he gave up. This woman was
willing to sit here and listen to Ben's problems, she'd met him mere
hours ago and was willing to let him bitch and complain, he knew this
because she was telling him so with her concern.

Ben grabbed his beer and drained half of it in a single gulp.
With a deep sigh the apprehensive bartender gave in. "Where should I
start?" His words carried many meanings.
Lillyanna smiled gently. "The beginning is always a good place
to begin."
Ben grinned slightly. "That's hard to do seeing as there's many
beginnings to my torrid tale."
Lillyanna patted Ben's hand. "I've got all night."







A young man in a yellow winter coat and dark beanie looked
around. His obese friend wore a trenchcoat over a sweater an a pair of
jeans, a lit cigarette hanging from his lips.
"C'mon Silent Bob, let's find us some sweet bitches! I need me
some of that sweet, sweet lovin'!"
The man in the trenchcoat looked to his compatriot with a raised
eyebrow. His silence spoke volumes.
The man in the beanie glared at his friend. "What do you mean,
'What about Justice?' Fuck man she's in fucking jail. She's probably
doin' somea that sweet lesbo shit that ya only see in nudie mags like
that faggot Randal reads. So if she's doin' that I can go get me some
fucking pussy too man." The man's speech was rapid and hard to hear.
Silent Bob rolled his eyes and tossed his dead cigarette away.
He quietly shook his head and watched as his partner in crime rambled
on with a nearby hooker. "Idiot."






*Chibi Dude Slayer does official author's jig*

TDS: So that's part one of the latest installment of the
Barstool Sessions. This is season two, "Welcome to Jersey". This
series will deal solely with Kevin Smith's famous characters from the
Jersey Trilogy: "CLeRKS", "Mallrats", and of course "Chasing Amy".

*Vampboy walks onstage reading a copy of "Variety"*
VB: And so the popular series "The Barstool Sessions" is being
nominated for an Academy Award along with the recent TV Guide Award.
Its speculated that this up and coming series will easily sweep the
ceremonies with its intriguing stories and amazing character
development. The Dude Slayer has also been nominated for "Best
Director in a New Series".

*The Dude Slayer gives Vampboy a curious look from behind his
mirrored sunglasses*
TDS: Dude, what are you reading?

*Vampboy looks at his friend*
VB: Nothing. Just the new "Variety".
TDS: You mean that crap ass Hollywood newspaper that reviews all
the movies and new TV shows?
VB: *nods* That's the one. It says here that the Barstool
Sessions is up for multiple awards.
TDS: *looks shocked* How? I can't win anything. This is
fanfiction. I've borrowed the characters from their respective owners,
like Kevin Smith owns Jay and Silent Bob, and Denis Leary owns Denis
and McLeary's. Hell, I don't even own Lillyanna. She's the property
of one of my friends.
VB: Don't ask me dude. All I know is I made you do a disclaimer
and you didn't even know it.

*Vampboy walks offstage howling with laughter*
*The Dude Slayer growls as he watches his friend*

TDS: I hate him sometimes. Well are you all wondering what
happened while Ben was away? Who are these women that have hurt our
favorite bartender? How do Sheila and Lillyanna fit into all this?
Have I totally lost it? How many secrets does our loyal island boy
hold behind his duster and sunglasses?
Stay tuned. Do you like what I write, do you hate it, or
are you totally confused? E-mail me and ask.

redrum124@bigfoot.com

http://the_dude_slayer.tripod.com/Home.html

Stay swag all.
Ja Ne!