The next couple months were filled with morning sickness and extreme
exhaustion. Instead of gaining weight, I was losing; I was unable to hold
down most solid foods. Despite the difficulties I was having, the baby
seemed to be progressing just fine. I had my second ultrasound when I was
14 weeks along and the baby seemed perfectly healthy.
Jack had been keeping me company during my convalescence and Grace had been coming over a couple nights a week after work. Will even came by one afternoon claiming he had been in the neighborhood and figured he'd stop in to see how I was doing. I wasn't great company for any of them, but they didn't seem to mind.
Finally by my 15th week I was feeling a lot better. I was eating well and my energy had returned. Stan wanted me to take it easy for a while, but I couldn't stand to be around him one more day. He had been feeling guilty about me being so sick and he insisted on spending more time at home. As if being sick wasn't bad enough, now I had to spend every miserable moment with him by my side. He wasn't very happy with me when I told him I was going back to work, but he was too afraid to disagree.
"Hiya Grace" I said as I entered the office on my first day back to work. I was so anxious to get out of the house I actually showed up on time.
"Karen! I can't believe I'm going to say this, but it's good to have you back. I've really missed you! It's been pretty scary around here without you. The phones are being answered, faxes have been sent, there hasn't been any inappropriate touching."
"Aw Grace I'm glad to be back. Yeah, you think things have been scary around here, you have no idea what the scary is until you've had Stan and Rosario taking care of you. I'm telling you Grace the two of them are like fat and fatter. It's a wonder I get anything to eat in that house at all. Look at the teeth marks Rosie left on my wrist, I was reaching for my drink and she thought I was going for the last drumstick. God I should get a rabies shot just be on the safe side. I have a baby to worry about now!"
"Well look at you, worrying about the baby, getting all maternal. I'm proud of you Karen."
"Oh give it a rest Grace, this baby needs to be perfect in order for my plan to work."
"Ah yes, the master plan, how could I have forgotten." Grace quipped. "How silly of me to think you might actually care about your unborn child." Grace said with an edge.
"Hey don't get testy with me Grace, we've had this conversation a thousand times and you know what this pregnancy is all about so let's just drop it. God I don't know why I was in such a rush to get back to work. If you're going to spend the next six months judging me and my decision then I may as well walk out that door right now!" I screamed as I turned to face the window so Grace wouldn't see that I had begun to cry. The hormones were causing me to cry at the drop of a hat and I refused to give Grace the pleasure of seeing the effect her words had on me. The truth is I did want this baby, but for whatever reason I couldn't admit it to her.
"Come on Karen, I don't want to fight." Grace said as she placed a hand on my shoulder and turned me around to face her. I bowed my head and refused to look at her as I tried to explain what was going on in my head.
"Grace the truth is that yes I didn't have the best of intentions when I decided to conceive this baby. But I'm not as horrible as you like to think I am. I do love this baby, but you have to understand these feelings don't come easily to me. I was never loved by my parents; I was just a tool my mother used to manipulate her way thru life. So try to understand that I'm more than a little worried that I'm going to end up doing the same thing to this child as she did to me. Why do you think I never had children before now?"
"Sweetie when you and Will decided to have a baby it stirred up all kinds of thoughts and emotions inside me that I had never acknowledged before. I realized I was at a critical point and if I waited any longer I would miss out on the opportunity to have children. Maybe I will be a horrible mother, maybe I'll even hate being a mother, but I want to give it a shot. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life regretting never having children and I certainly didn't want to spend the rest of my life knowing that Stan resented me for that decision."
"I don't have the energy to defend my reasons for having a baby and I don't want to come in here everyday knowing you're judging me. I respect you Grace and I respect your opinion so you have to realize that it hurts knowing you look down on me because of this. Can you try to see things from my point of view and understand that I'm going thru a tough time right now?"
"Ok Karen, first of all you're freaking me out! I had no idea how much emotion you were drowning in that wet bar over there. You'll have to give me some time to get used to the new you because frankly I have no idea who you are! And Karen, I'm sorry if I've been a little judgmental, the truth is I'm a bit jealous. It seemed like you decided to get pregnant on a whim and all of a sudden you're pregnant. Karen I'm really proud of you so please don't think I'm looking down on you. I may seem to be looking down on you but the truth is sometimes I just don't understand where you're coming from. You cover up your real feelings so much that I don't know what to think of you."
"I know Grace, I just feel like such a freak show right now with all these hormones pumping through my veins and nothing to numb the emotions with. I can't promise that I'm going to wear my heart on my sleeve; it's just not who I am. I hope you can understand that and know that even though I may not express it very well, I am capable of being a loving person. And with a little support I may even be capable of being a decent mother."
"Aw Karen", Grace said as she gave me a tight hug, "I think I'm going to like the new you." "Yeah lucky you," I said as pulled away and began to wipe away my tears, "you get a new and improved best friend and I'm stuck with the same old Grace." I said with a smirk.
"Hey Kare, what's going on with this outfit of yours? If those pants were any tighter you'd strangle the baby with the waistband. How's that for a new and improved Grace?"
"Ugh the thought of wearing maternity clothes is too much to deal with right now honey. I just can't do it."
"Come on, well close up early and go do some shopping this afternoon, it'll be fun."
"Well I guess I can say no to leaving work early and spending the afternoon at Barney's now can I."
"That's the attitude Karen. And if you're lucky I may even let you buy me dinner."
Jack had been keeping me company during my convalescence and Grace had been coming over a couple nights a week after work. Will even came by one afternoon claiming he had been in the neighborhood and figured he'd stop in to see how I was doing. I wasn't great company for any of them, but they didn't seem to mind.
Finally by my 15th week I was feeling a lot better. I was eating well and my energy had returned. Stan wanted me to take it easy for a while, but I couldn't stand to be around him one more day. He had been feeling guilty about me being so sick and he insisted on spending more time at home. As if being sick wasn't bad enough, now I had to spend every miserable moment with him by my side. He wasn't very happy with me when I told him I was going back to work, but he was too afraid to disagree.
"Hiya Grace" I said as I entered the office on my first day back to work. I was so anxious to get out of the house I actually showed up on time.
"Karen! I can't believe I'm going to say this, but it's good to have you back. I've really missed you! It's been pretty scary around here without you. The phones are being answered, faxes have been sent, there hasn't been any inappropriate touching."
"Aw Grace I'm glad to be back. Yeah, you think things have been scary around here, you have no idea what the scary is until you've had Stan and Rosario taking care of you. I'm telling you Grace the two of them are like fat and fatter. It's a wonder I get anything to eat in that house at all. Look at the teeth marks Rosie left on my wrist, I was reaching for my drink and she thought I was going for the last drumstick. God I should get a rabies shot just be on the safe side. I have a baby to worry about now!"
"Well look at you, worrying about the baby, getting all maternal. I'm proud of you Karen."
"Oh give it a rest Grace, this baby needs to be perfect in order for my plan to work."
"Ah yes, the master plan, how could I have forgotten." Grace quipped. "How silly of me to think you might actually care about your unborn child." Grace said with an edge.
"Hey don't get testy with me Grace, we've had this conversation a thousand times and you know what this pregnancy is all about so let's just drop it. God I don't know why I was in such a rush to get back to work. If you're going to spend the next six months judging me and my decision then I may as well walk out that door right now!" I screamed as I turned to face the window so Grace wouldn't see that I had begun to cry. The hormones were causing me to cry at the drop of a hat and I refused to give Grace the pleasure of seeing the effect her words had on me. The truth is I did want this baby, but for whatever reason I couldn't admit it to her.
"Come on Karen, I don't want to fight." Grace said as she placed a hand on my shoulder and turned me around to face her. I bowed my head and refused to look at her as I tried to explain what was going on in my head.
"Grace the truth is that yes I didn't have the best of intentions when I decided to conceive this baby. But I'm not as horrible as you like to think I am. I do love this baby, but you have to understand these feelings don't come easily to me. I was never loved by my parents; I was just a tool my mother used to manipulate her way thru life. So try to understand that I'm more than a little worried that I'm going to end up doing the same thing to this child as she did to me. Why do you think I never had children before now?"
"Sweetie when you and Will decided to have a baby it stirred up all kinds of thoughts and emotions inside me that I had never acknowledged before. I realized I was at a critical point and if I waited any longer I would miss out on the opportunity to have children. Maybe I will be a horrible mother, maybe I'll even hate being a mother, but I want to give it a shot. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life regretting never having children and I certainly didn't want to spend the rest of my life knowing that Stan resented me for that decision."
"I don't have the energy to defend my reasons for having a baby and I don't want to come in here everyday knowing you're judging me. I respect you Grace and I respect your opinion so you have to realize that it hurts knowing you look down on me because of this. Can you try to see things from my point of view and understand that I'm going thru a tough time right now?"
"Ok Karen, first of all you're freaking me out! I had no idea how much emotion you were drowning in that wet bar over there. You'll have to give me some time to get used to the new you because frankly I have no idea who you are! And Karen, I'm sorry if I've been a little judgmental, the truth is I'm a bit jealous. It seemed like you decided to get pregnant on a whim and all of a sudden you're pregnant. Karen I'm really proud of you so please don't think I'm looking down on you. I may seem to be looking down on you but the truth is sometimes I just don't understand where you're coming from. You cover up your real feelings so much that I don't know what to think of you."
"I know Grace, I just feel like such a freak show right now with all these hormones pumping through my veins and nothing to numb the emotions with. I can't promise that I'm going to wear my heart on my sleeve; it's just not who I am. I hope you can understand that and know that even though I may not express it very well, I am capable of being a loving person. And with a little support I may even be capable of being a decent mother."
"Aw Karen", Grace said as she gave me a tight hug, "I think I'm going to like the new you." "Yeah lucky you," I said as pulled away and began to wipe away my tears, "you get a new and improved best friend and I'm stuck with the same old Grace." I said with a smirk.
"Hey Kare, what's going on with this outfit of yours? If those pants were any tighter you'd strangle the baby with the waistband. How's that for a new and improved Grace?"
"Ugh the thought of wearing maternity clothes is too much to deal with right now honey. I just can't do it."
"Come on, well close up early and go do some shopping this afternoon, it'll be fun."
"Well I guess I can say no to leaving work early and spending the afternoon at Barney's now can I."
"That's the attitude Karen. And if you're lucky I may even let you buy me dinner."
