Operation: Puppy Love

Yami, Bakura, Yugi, Seto and Ryou were all gathered in Kaiba's living room that Saturday afternoon. After Joey's calls to them on Friday, they were becoming rather concerned about them. Well, Yami, Yugi and Ryou were concerned about him; Seto and Bakura were only here because their boyfriends were.

Using his soda can as a sort of gavel to acquire everyone's attention, Yami cleared his throat and began. "I call to order the first meeting of the 'What To Do About Joey Because He's Starting To Act Weird' Committee."

Everyone glanced at Yugi, who had come up with the club name. Looking a little sheepish, Yugi just shrugged. Kaiba grumbled and spoke up.

"I already told you what we should do with the puppy; send him to a kennel." Seto folded his arms. "Is this going to take long? I actually have some real meetings, with actual importance, that I should be attending."

Yami raised an eyebrow at him, then looked to Yugi. "Yugi, kindly give Kaiba a reason why it is in his best interest to stay."

Sighing slightly, Yugi looked over at his boyfriend. "Seto, please don't make me blackmail you. You know I hate it when I have to."

Seto gave his diminutive love a reproachful glance. "And what is it you have to hold over my head this time?"

Yugi smiled at him sweetly. "Not only would you not get laid for the rest of the week, tomorrow morning at approximately four a.m., Mokuba will discover where you hid his candy stash this time."

Kaiba's eyes widened briefly at the not-so-veiled threat, then settled back in the armchair he was sitting in. "Alright, I'll stay."

"Alright, now that that is settled," Yami continued. "I believe everyone has noticed how strangely depressed Joey has been lately, despite his poor attempts to hide it. Last night he left a rather cranky message on my answering machine…" Yami shot an un-amused look at Bakura. "…which I believe you took the liberty of changing the recording on?"

"Hey, you told me to change the recording on it," Bakura said with a smug grin. "You didn't tell me what it was supposed to say. So I adlibbed."

"Can we get to the point here?" Ryou finally interjected, tired of this mock-bickering between his friends. "Joey's depressed and lonely and we have to do something about it."

"Well what can we do about it?" Yugi asked. "We've tried to spend time all in a group like we used to, but some of us… like to spend time alone a little more often these days."

"Exactly," Ryou replied. "You four all have someone, and Joey doesn't."

"Neither do you," Bakura pointed out.

"But unlike Joey, I don't have a problem with that," Ryou said, smiling. "I've come to realize my life is a lot less hectic when I'm not around people who tend to get challenged to games of Duel Monsters with the world and peoples' lives at stake."

"So if the puppy is so lonely, get him a playmate," Seto muttered, brushing some imaginary lint of his immaculate suit.

Yugi blinked, then squeaked happily and jumped into Seto's lap, hugging him. "That's a perfect idea! We'll just hook Joey up with someone too, and then he won't be lonely when we…"

"…are too busy getting fucked to spend time with him?" Bakura finished for him.

Yugi flushed a bright red color at the crude language, choosing not to reply to that.

"But the question is, set him up with who?" Yami asked.

Everyone looked at Ryou, the only one in the group without a lover. Ryou's eyes widened, and he shook his head quickly.

"Me with Joey?" he nearly squeaked. "You must be joking. He and I have nearly nothing in common. He's fine for a friend, but I can hardly imagine…" He shook his head again, clearly finding the idea somewhat distasteful.

"Alright, not with Ryou then," Yugi murmured. "Who else do we know that might go for it?"

The group was silent for a while, silently running through the names of everyone they knew, trying to think of anyone that might possibly be compatible with Joey.

"This is impossible," Bakura finally grumbled. "There's a reason Joey's single; he's a freak. Someone would have to be crazy to even consider the idea. We may as well try to set him up with… with… Marik for all the good it will do."

Yami smiled slowly. "Well… why not Marik?"

Yugi looked at Yami like the Pharaoh had lost his mind. "Because Marik is insane. How can you even think of that?"

"Well, Bakura did say someone would have to be crazy to go out with Joey," Kaiba said with a slow smile. "And Marik is definitely crazy. Who knows? They'll either get along wonderfully, or kill each other. It's a perfect solution."

"We want Joey happy, not dead!" Yugi said with a pout.

Yami smiled at Yugi. "Actually, I think I know a way to get them together, and keep them from trying to tear out each other's throat."

Bakura raised an eyebrow at his lover. "How's that?"

"Just trust me."

**

Monday afternoon, Marik was sitting at a lunch table in the school courtyard, drinking a soda and giving the group a you-must-think-I'm-crazy look. "You want me to do what?"

"Go out with Joey," Yugi repeated himself, smiling hopefully. "He's been really lonely, and we think if you tried to be nice, you two would actually get along rather well."

Marik gave them all another long look, drinking hard through the straw, though there was barely more than a drop of soda left in the can. He did this more for the irritating gurgle sound it made than to actually get the last drop out. Finally he said, "Why the Hell would I want to do that?"

"Well, for one thing, you'd finally have someone to sit with at lunch," Ryou said, looking around at the other students, who kept a far distance from Marik.

Marik snorted, dismissing the reason and waiting for them to try another one.

"You'd finally be doing a nice thing for someone?" Yugi offered.

That one got a laugh from Marik, the sort of laugh that made everyone inch another few feet away from him. "Try again," he ordered.

Yami finally spoke up. "If you go out with Joey, act nicely and actually get along with him, I'll give you the Millennium Puzzle."

Marik's eyes widened, and he tossed the soda on the ground, standing up and grinning at Yami. "You've got a deal, Pharaoh."