Chapter 1- Reflecting on the Past
I once told the Reverend Mother, that I was there on Gods errand and to have asked for his love would have been wrong. And I believed that, even after she convinced me to return to the house.
He was engaged to Baroness Schraeder, the children informed me moments after my return. My heart broke; yes, but I also had a strange feeling of relief. He was engaged, I was there on God's errand, the perfect reasons to hide my feelings, to lock them away in the innermost corner of my heart, and to NEVER ever act on them.
The baroness had returned to Vienna for the weekend, the children had gone to bed, Max was out pursuing a group, leaving *us* alone together…
I was down by the gate, looking out over the lake, when he was suddenly standing next to me. " Beautiful night." I said, trying in vain to cut through the tension that had suddenly formed between us. " Yes." He said, I could feel his eyes on me. I took a deep breath, and turned to face him. " Was there something you wanted?" He said nothing, as he turned to face me. So there we stood, so close that I could almost hear his heartbeat, our eyes locked on each other. I watched him raise his hand to my cheek, a shiver running down my spine as his hand came to rest. Neither of us dared to speak…my heart raced, my breathing was shallow and slow, my mind telling me to run, to never look back…as our lips fused…melted, together. At exact moment, heaven met earth, stars danced in the sky, and fireworks lit every corner of my heart, body and soul…
It was just one kiss, one sweet, soft kiss, one moment in time…a secret we believed we could keep. " Never let it happen again", I told myself, "Never let it happen again."
I had been unable to stop myself from falling in love with him, and perhaps I was naïve to believe I could stop myself from loving him after that kiss, but I honestly believed that I could…
The next evening was almost a carbon copy of my first night in the house, thunder and lightening again prompting the children to seek a verse or two of "My Favorite Things" from me. I had been more then willing to oblige them. I adore…adored, those children, and it was a great distraction from the conflict in my heart. And without fail, just as he had that first night, he appeared in the open doorway, telling the children to return to bed. Only this time, his departure didn't follow the children's, this time he never moved from that spot in the doorway. I stood at the foot of the bed, my eyes locked with his, wishing I could be in his arms, wishing that I could hear him whisper "I love you". And in the blink of an eye, my dream became a reality, one moment…one single moment later and we were centimeters apart, he whispered, " I love you" just before his lips descended on mine.
The passion, love and heat that ensued that night was like nothing I'd ever experienced in my life. Never had I felt more loved, more wanted, or needed. Never in my life had I been so terrified…of what would come next. Would I wake up and it all had all been a dream? What about the baroness, the children…we had sinned.
That night I made the only decision I could, I packed my bags, and left the von Trapp Villa without saying goodbye, for the second time, but this time I vowed NEVER to return.
Now eleven months later, the only evidence of that night, lies in my arms, right now. Her dark eyes fighting to stay open. Looking at her, a blind man could tell she's her father's daughter, with his dark hair and eyes, I think she has his smile too. It's times like this when I wonder how I'm going to explain to her about her Father, about her brother's and sisters…
To be continued…
I once told the Reverend Mother, that I was there on Gods errand and to have asked for his love would have been wrong. And I believed that, even after she convinced me to return to the house.
He was engaged to Baroness Schraeder, the children informed me moments after my return. My heart broke; yes, but I also had a strange feeling of relief. He was engaged, I was there on God's errand, the perfect reasons to hide my feelings, to lock them away in the innermost corner of my heart, and to NEVER ever act on them.
The baroness had returned to Vienna for the weekend, the children had gone to bed, Max was out pursuing a group, leaving *us* alone together…
I was down by the gate, looking out over the lake, when he was suddenly standing next to me. " Beautiful night." I said, trying in vain to cut through the tension that had suddenly formed between us. " Yes." He said, I could feel his eyes on me. I took a deep breath, and turned to face him. " Was there something you wanted?" He said nothing, as he turned to face me. So there we stood, so close that I could almost hear his heartbeat, our eyes locked on each other. I watched him raise his hand to my cheek, a shiver running down my spine as his hand came to rest. Neither of us dared to speak…my heart raced, my breathing was shallow and slow, my mind telling me to run, to never look back…as our lips fused…melted, together. At exact moment, heaven met earth, stars danced in the sky, and fireworks lit every corner of my heart, body and soul…
It was just one kiss, one sweet, soft kiss, one moment in time…a secret we believed we could keep. " Never let it happen again", I told myself, "Never let it happen again."
I had been unable to stop myself from falling in love with him, and perhaps I was naïve to believe I could stop myself from loving him after that kiss, but I honestly believed that I could…
The next evening was almost a carbon copy of my first night in the house, thunder and lightening again prompting the children to seek a verse or two of "My Favorite Things" from me. I had been more then willing to oblige them. I adore…adored, those children, and it was a great distraction from the conflict in my heart. And without fail, just as he had that first night, he appeared in the open doorway, telling the children to return to bed. Only this time, his departure didn't follow the children's, this time he never moved from that spot in the doorway. I stood at the foot of the bed, my eyes locked with his, wishing I could be in his arms, wishing that I could hear him whisper "I love you". And in the blink of an eye, my dream became a reality, one moment…one single moment later and we were centimeters apart, he whispered, " I love you" just before his lips descended on mine.
The passion, love and heat that ensued that night was like nothing I'd ever experienced in my life. Never had I felt more loved, more wanted, or needed. Never in my life had I been so terrified…of what would come next. Would I wake up and it all had all been a dream? What about the baroness, the children…we had sinned.
That night I made the only decision I could, I packed my bags, and left the von Trapp Villa without saying goodbye, for the second time, but this time I vowed NEVER to return.
Now eleven months later, the only evidence of that night, lies in my arms, right now. Her dark eyes fighting to stay open. Looking at her, a blind man could tell she's her father's daughter, with his dark hair and eyes, I think she has his smile too. It's times like this when I wonder how I'm going to explain to her about her Father, about her brother's and sisters…
To be continued…
