Missing You
By RD
I know you're in a better place
And although I can't see your face
I know you're smiling down on me
Saying 'everything's okay'
- I Wish by R Kelly
It's funny how you miss the little things.
Or how you get used to stuff and it feels strange when they're gone. I don't like walking into my house anymore, because he doesn't shout out my name, and that's weird for me. I've just come to expect it. I don't expect much. I'm not the kind of guy that wants dinner on the table when I get home, the house immaculate, not having to worry about anything. He was never a good housewife. I just want to hear him say my name. Is that so much to ask?
Fuck. I'm not going to cry. I can only remember ever crying twice in my life. I probably did, when I was younger, but I forget. Last time I cried, he was there to comfort me. At the time, I was so glad for his gentle voice and his hug. I knew he understood, because he'd had a similar experience to me. All the more reason to cry, it seemed, because it was my fault and I didn't stop it happening. I vowed right there, not to kick him out again.
...I was never good at keeping my promises.
Looking back, I wish it could have been different. He was just the way I wanted, but I was forever bitching at him, never acknowledging his talent. He did have talent. But it's hard for me to admit things. Like I never told him I loved him. Even though I did. I regret that and probably will all my life.
For fuck's sake! I will not fucking cry. When he got really annoying, I wanted him out of my life, and now he is. So I got what I asked for. What I deserved, for being a bastard. Even my own brother thinks I'm a bastard. He said so, and it wasn't that itself that surprised me. His paedophile of a boyfriend told him not to. And Tatsuha always does what Sakuma says. So that's what surprised me, and then I knew he meant it. He said it because I didn't cry. He's right though. God, I really was a total bastard to him.
This ordeal hasn't been good for me. I was never exactly the most emotional of people, but now I seem to have lost all my sentiments for anything. Whenever people try and talk to me, I just ignore them. All I do now is lie around the house all day, drinking and smoking. He used to say I'd die young, and I probably will, but I don't care. What's the point of living when your passion for life is gone? He used to hide my beer under the sofa, but I don't think he knew I'd discovered this a long time ago since he kept on doing it.
He would always...talk so much about how he saw our lifes when we were older. He would cling to me and tell me how we were both going to live til we were 100 and we'd still be together even if we ended up bitter old men who did nothing but sit on the porch in our rocking chairs and grumble all day. He didn't seem to think I was like that already. Probably the only person who didn't.
I can't do anything now. I can't write, I don't go out, I don't even watch TV anymore, because everything on it reminds me of him. He was my motivation, and now he's gone. What would I have done, if I'd known this would happen?
Told him I loved him?
Treated him right?
God only knows, I should have. But it's too late now, isn't it? I bet I wouldn't have been able to say the things I'm writing here now, even if I'd known. That's not me. That's why I'm writing them instead. Because maybe, just maybe, he's still here, reading over my shoulder. And if he is, well...this is all for him I guess. This is me asking for forgiveness. This is my attempt at retribution.
So Shuichi, if you're still watching over me,
I do love you.
I'm sorry.
By RD
I know you're in a better place
And although I can't see your face
I know you're smiling down on me
Saying 'everything's okay'
- I Wish by R Kelly
It's funny how you miss the little things.
Or how you get used to stuff and it feels strange when they're gone. I don't like walking into my house anymore, because he doesn't shout out my name, and that's weird for me. I've just come to expect it. I don't expect much. I'm not the kind of guy that wants dinner on the table when I get home, the house immaculate, not having to worry about anything. He was never a good housewife. I just want to hear him say my name. Is that so much to ask?
Fuck. I'm not going to cry. I can only remember ever crying twice in my life. I probably did, when I was younger, but I forget. Last time I cried, he was there to comfort me. At the time, I was so glad for his gentle voice and his hug. I knew he understood, because he'd had a similar experience to me. All the more reason to cry, it seemed, because it was my fault and I didn't stop it happening. I vowed right there, not to kick him out again.
...I was never good at keeping my promises.
Looking back, I wish it could have been different. He was just the way I wanted, but I was forever bitching at him, never acknowledging his talent. He did have talent. But it's hard for me to admit things. Like I never told him I loved him. Even though I did. I regret that and probably will all my life.
For fuck's sake! I will not fucking cry. When he got really annoying, I wanted him out of my life, and now he is. So I got what I asked for. What I deserved, for being a bastard. Even my own brother thinks I'm a bastard. He said so, and it wasn't that itself that surprised me. His paedophile of a boyfriend told him not to. And Tatsuha always does what Sakuma says. So that's what surprised me, and then I knew he meant it. He said it because I didn't cry. He's right though. God, I really was a total bastard to him.
This ordeal hasn't been good for me. I was never exactly the most emotional of people, but now I seem to have lost all my sentiments for anything. Whenever people try and talk to me, I just ignore them. All I do now is lie around the house all day, drinking and smoking. He used to say I'd die young, and I probably will, but I don't care. What's the point of living when your passion for life is gone? He used to hide my beer under the sofa, but I don't think he knew I'd discovered this a long time ago since he kept on doing it.
He would always...talk so much about how he saw our lifes when we were older. He would cling to me and tell me how we were both going to live til we were 100 and we'd still be together even if we ended up bitter old men who did nothing but sit on the porch in our rocking chairs and grumble all day. He didn't seem to think I was like that already. Probably the only person who didn't.
I can't do anything now. I can't write, I don't go out, I don't even watch TV anymore, because everything on it reminds me of him. He was my motivation, and now he's gone. What would I have done, if I'd known this would happen?
Told him I loved him?
Treated him right?
God only knows, I should have. But it's too late now, isn't it? I bet I wouldn't have been able to say the things I'm writing here now, even if I'd known. That's not me. That's why I'm writing them instead. Because maybe, just maybe, he's still here, reading over my shoulder. And if he is, well...this is all for him I guess. This is me asking for forgiveness. This is my attempt at retribution.
So Shuichi, if you're still watching over me,
I do love you.
I'm sorry.
