Disclaimer: OK OK I finally admit to the world that is wasn't me in a drunken stupor who created HP. Plus lawyers are creepy. look at Mark Darcy
in Bridget Jones' Diary.

THE BB SORTING HAT SONG

Slightly crazy - but hey, that's me!!!

'A year or maybe less ago,
When I was newly sewn,
There lived four crackpots of renown
Whose names are still well known.
Mad Gryffindor, the psychopath,
Strange Ravenclaw, the meek,
Weird Hufflepuff, like Hannibal,
Cruel Slytherin, a freak.
They shared a house, a bathroom (clean),
They went to Diary Room.
This was like Big Brother,
And held impending doom.
Now each of these four madmen
Formed their own plans - you see,
Because they didn't realize that
This was on prime time TV.
Mad Gryffindor, he waved an axe
Right near Strange Raven's head
And Ravenclaw, in return
Put hot oil into his bed
And Hufflepuff, he thought 'Looks fun'
And drew on Cruel Slytherin's face.
So (very hungry) Slytherin
Hit him with a mace.
Just alive, they did divide
The house into four parts
Each chose their murd'ring throng.
Yet how to pick off the last one
Once the other three are gone?
T'was Ravenclaw who was last you see,
He raised his triumphant head.
He bellowed out 'I won I won!'
And promptly dropped down dead.
What he didn't realize, how dumb,
Was Huffle poisoned his wine.
So that's how Big Bro started
And the money it's made me is fine!'