CHAPTER SIX

Murdock awoke on his bed sometime later, it was near noon and the room was very hot. His eyes were irritated and sore. There was a gaping wound inside of him that refused to close and every time he thought of his dead child it hurt a little more.

He fumbled for the phone and called Face's number. It rang for a while and finally Face answered it with a harried hello. 'Faceman.' Murdock's voice was listless.

'Murdock! You ok?'

'She killed it.she killed my baby.' The tears started to flow again.

'What?' Face was aghast, it was clear that his friend was very close to breaking point.

'She had an abortion. She murdered my child. How could she do that Face? How could she just kill my baby like that?' He was sobbing now, feeling as if he was being torn into pieces.

'Murdock.hang on, I'm coming over.'

'Don't bother.' Murdock put down the phone and rocked back and forth for a little while, hugging his knees like a child. Over and over again that thought pounded through his brain. She murdered my child; she murdered my child. It rose to a crescendo inside him and finally he could bear it no longer, he stopped rocking. Ice-cold hate filled him up, he'd loved her, had given her everything and she'd repaid him with death.

Getting up he picked up the phone; ripped the cord from the wall and threw it at the mirror. The mirror he'd thrust his hand through all those months ago, for her, because he loved her. He tore the room apart almost methodically, when the orderlies and the doctor came for him he responded as violently as he could. Hitting out at them in a way he never had before, he'd never been so out of control as he was now, not since he'd come here from 'Nam anyway.

He was barely conscious by the time they put him in the straightjacket and he didn't know when the doctor injected a sedative into him. He was thoroughly sedated when they threw him into the padded restraint room and left him there.

*** He awoke blinking, he didn't know how many days later. He sat upright with a jerk and Face put a calm hand on his shoulder. 'Take it easy.'

Murdock rolled off the bed and threw up in the toilet nearby. His head hurt as if he had the world's worst hangover. 'What are you doing here?'

'I got your phone call, I was worried but keep your voice down; they think that I'm your doctor.'

'Won't last long.' Murdock said as Face helped him back to the bed, he could see the straightjacket lying on the floor.

'Long enough. What do you remember?'

Murdock shrugged. 'At the moment.nothing.'

Face nodded and Murdock could see the sympathy and pity on his friend's handsome features. He didn't know if he wanted to know what he'd done to scare Face like this, to get thrown in here and drugged up to the eyeballs.

'Maybe it's best if you don't right now. Just try to keep your head down and maybe they'll let you back out of here but you won't be going anywhere away from the VA for a while.'

Murdock nodded. 'How are you guys fixed for a pilot?'

'We'll get by, besides there's always commercial flights if we're really desperate, we'll manage. Just get yourself better.'

Murdock nodded and closed his eyes. She killed my child, the voice whispered in his ear and he snapped his eyes open again. 'Katie was pregnant.'

Face nodded but said nothing further. 'And she had an abortion; she.got rid of the baby.' Murdock continued sitting up now, running a hand through his hair. For the first time he noticed he wasn't wearing his baseball cap. Grief washed over him again but it wasn't as sharp as it had been before, he could breathe again and it was no longer like a knife being twisted in his heart.

'Yeah.' Face suddenly seemed awkward and Murdock realised that he didn't know what to say, how to respond. 'Maybe.maybe it's for the best.'

Anger flared. 'How can you say that?'

Face looked away. 'It's just.if a child can't have two parents who love each other then maybe it's better if there is no child.'

'Don't judge my relationship on the fact that you can't commit yourself.'

Now Face turned to look at him. 'I'm not Murdock but if Katie didn't want the baby.a child should be loved, wanted.'

'I wanted the baby! I could have looked after it, loved it.'

'In here?' Face's voice was quiet and Murdock nearly didn't hear him.

'Don't you mean 'why would they let a crazyman look after a baby?' Huh? Isn't that what you're saying? That I might hurt it, that I can't look after a child because I can't even look after myself.' He knew he was hurting Face but he couldn't stop himself. He was too badly wounded inside to even care about anyone else, not even himself.

Face stood up. 'I'll come back when you're more rational.'

'Yeah you do that!' Murdock hated himself but he didn't call after Face to apologise, as he would normally have done. He let his friend go without another word and just lay in his tiny cell staring up at the ceiling wondering what his child would have looked like.

*** Several weeks later Richter decided he was fit enough to go back to his own room but on the strict understanding that at any sign of unreasonable behaviour he would end up back in the restraint room indefinitely.

In all that time there had been no word from Face or any of the others. Murdock found that he didn't really care, he lay on his bed most of the time staring blankly into space leaving only to go for meals and therapy sessions.

His phone was installed again but he had to ask permission before making any calls and he was closely monitored day and night. All the nurses agreed that Captain Murdock was now a shadow of his former self. The cheeky, energetic, crazy pilot was gone replaced instead with a man who seemed to just want to be left alone.

The first leaves of Fall were starting to turn brown when the phone call came. August had given way to September and Murdock watched the staff and patients walk about in the gardens outside his window with a touch of envy. He wanted to be out there amongst the falling leaves; in years gone by he would have been, kicking them up like a kid. One time he'd even collected some and made a leaf sculpture of Billy for BA's birthday.

The staff were less observant of him now and he had more freedom but he was still confined indoors although the doctors and orderlies seemed satisfied that he would no longer be at risk to himself or anyone else.

The ringing phone cut into his thoughts and he reached over for it. 'Hello?' He didn't know who would be calling him but he couldn't help hoping that it would be Face. He badly wanted to mend things with his friend, he needed him right now; he needed all the team right now.

'Mr Murdock.' The voice was familiar and Murdock felt cold, icy fingers walking his spine.

'Yes?'

'I believe you remember me.'

It took Murdock a moment to remember but finally he did. 'Jerome Martinez.'

'Good, I don't have to go to the trouble of refreshing your memory.'

'What do you want you slimeball? Why are you wasting your phone card of the week on me?'

Jerome laughed low and callously. 'Oh but Mr Murdock I am not using a phone card. I have no need of phone cards, not when I can pay a bill like any normal person on the street.'

Murdock felt a sudden attack of fear. 'They let you out.'

'Indeed they did. I'm much looking forward to meeting with you again. But first, to business. I'm with a mutual acquaintance but I must say she's not looking so well as she was when I left her. You've not been taking care of our dear Katherine as you should have been.'

All the anger that Murdock had directed at Katie faded in one instant replaced with an irrefutable fear and all the love he'd felt for her came flooding back. 'Katie.' He whispered the word and knew that he shouldn't have done. Jerome might not have known before but he knew now that Murdock still loved her and that put Katie in danger.

'Yes.rather pale at the moment though I'm not sure if that's from fear or illness.'

'If you hurt her Jerome.'

'Now why should I do that? I have never given her anything she hasn't wanted.'

Murdock's hands clenched into fists. 'Perhaps you'd like to talk to her?' Jerome suggested, his tone mocking.

There was a cry of pain and then Katie was talking to him for the first time in a month. 'Murdock! Don't listen to him, whatever he says, don't listen to.' He could hear the crack as Jerome gave her a slap across her face.

His anger boiled. 'Now.' Jerome came back on the line.

'Let me talk to her again. Until I talk to her, I have no intention of listening to what you've got to say or what you want me to do.'

Jerome chuckled and Murdock was sure that the guy was high on something or other. He'd probably built up quite a stash in prison.

Katie was crying softly when she came back onto the line. 'Oh baby.' He whispered. 'I love you.'

Her sobs grew harder and he wished he could be there to beat Jerome to a bloody pulp for making her cry. 'I'm so sorry I ran out on ya but I'm not letting him hurt you, I'm coming, just hang on a little while. I'm not givin' up on ya this time no matter what you say.' His Texan accent thickened as he felt his own tears building. It no longer mattered to him that she'd gotten rid of their child, it only mattered that she was in trouble and he had to save her.

'You said you wouldn't always be there; remember. Just stay away, please stay away.'

'Where are you?' He ignored her protests, trying to think.

'I remember when you told me you loved me for the first time. Remember? We were in the apartment and I was cooking dinner and you just looked me and you said...'

'I love you Kate.' He finished for her and then he put the phone down. He knew where she was. He'd said he loved her in the hotel room in Chicago after Jerome had been put behind bars; that had been the first time. Not in the apartment, that had been a clue and he was steadily running out of time.

He opened his door, he'd need to be quick before anyone spotted him; he darted down a hallway and ran down the stairs as quickly as he could. For the first time in a long while he could see Billy running ahead of him and he smiled.

He pulled open the door at the ground floor and looked around. It was safe, instantly he started running again towards the door that lead to the grounds. Out in the fresh air he felt better for the first time in a month. He could hear shouts behind him as the orderlies caught sight of him, he doubled his speed; he needed to get to the wall before they cut him off.

He vaulted over it and jumped down into the gravel driveway. His feet slipped on the stones but he carried on, nothing mattered at the moment, he could feel the Jazz working in his veins.

When he was sure he'd lost them he ran to a phone box and pulled out some money. Dropping it into the slot he dialled a number. The motel put him through to BA's room and the big guy answered gruffly. 'Yeah?'

Murdock couldn't suppress a smile. 'BA.it's Murdock. I need your help.'

'What do you want fool?' BA did not seem happy to hear from him but then BA always sounded like that.

'Jerome's out. Katie's in trouble, meet me at her apartment ASAP. He's got her there.'

BA snarled at the mention of Jerome's name. 'I'll be there fool.' Then he put the phone down before Murdock could utter another word.

*** Murdock reached the apartment and saw the van outside. BA got out and Murdock clapped him on his shoulder. 'Thanks man.'

'Not doin' it for you fool, doin' it for Katie.' But BA did grin and Murdock thought that he was pleased to see him despite his protests.

They ran up the stairs and BA broke open the door. All was quiet and Murdock was eerily reminded of the last time he'd been here.

There was no sign of Jerome, Murdock pushed the bedroom door open carefully and stood stock-still in the doorway staring.

Katie was lying on the bed, one hand stretched out towards him and clutched loosely in it he could see a pill bottle. On the floor, smashed into pieces, was a bottle of vodka.

He could see that she was unconscious; then his motionlessness evaporated and he was at her side immediately. 'Katie!' There was panic in his voice. He'd never said he was sorry; he'd walked away from her, thought he'd hated her, and never tried to comfort her. He took her head in his hands, stroking her hair from her face, shaking her slightly.

BA heard his anguished cry and was there in an instant. 'Katie.' Murdock was still trying to revive her but with no avail. BA took in the situation; saw the empty pill bottle, the smashed bottle of vodka on the floor.

Murdock hauled Katie to her feet and dragged her into the bathroom. 'Murdock!' BA bellowed. 'What you doin'?'

Murdock didn't answer; he held Katie over the toilet and rammed two fingers down her throat. She came awake as she started to heave, vomit spilled over Murdock's fingers but he didn't care. He only knew that he had to get the alcohol and drugs out of her as much as he could.

BA looked away trying to close his ears against the sound of Katie retching. It brought back some painful memories of Vietnam, throwing up on the 'food' that the guards had given them in the camps. Food that was crawling with bugs and badly cooked, it was a miracle that they hadn't died of food poisoning. But then, some had.

The smell of vomit hung thickly in the air but BA pushed away the nagging feeling to throw up his lunch and concentrated instead on Katie. Murdock thrust Katie at him and began washing his hands.

'We need to get her to hospital.' Murdock told BA, a grim light in his brown eyes. BA nodded and picked Katie up. Murdock followed him and they got her into the van.

*** She lapsed into unconsciousness as they neared the hospital and somehow Murdock managed to bring her round. He could feel memories pressing in on him. He sat with his back against the rear doors of the van, Katie cradled in his arms. He half-imagined that he could see a blood stain on the carpet before him. He'd nearly died here.

BA swung the van into the parking lot and jumped out. Throwing open the doors he helped Murdock get Katie out but it was Murdock this time who took Katie in his arms and carried her inside. Another memory assaulted him as he did so, a recollection of holding her in his arms as she lay bleeding from a gunshot wound to the leg.

The doctor's took her away and then there was nothing they could do but wait. Murdock called Karen and BA called Hannibal and Face. Now the five of them sat silently in the waiting room, Murdock with his head in his hands. Wondering if he would ever get to tell her that he was sorry and that he loved her.

Face had acted as if the fight between them had never happened and Murdock saw open pity in his eyes. The two men had hugged briefly and Murdock knew that the fight was buried and forgotten.

Finally the doctor came, he was younger than Murdock and he was calm as the pilot bombarded him with questions. 'I'm sorry sir; I can only speak to family.'

'I'm her fiancée.' Murdock said without hesitation. Karen stood and laid a hand on Murdock's arm silencing him.

'It's ok doctor. Whatever you can say to me you can say to him too.' With a slight frown the doctor ushered them into a nearby room.

'Mother and baby are doing well, it was touch and go but she should deliver a healthy baby when the time comes.'

Murdock felt his stomach drop. 'E-excuse me.'

'You didn't know?'

Murdock shook his head numbly. How had he not realised? How had he not thought that it had been a lie? His throat was achingly dry and he swallowed hard trying to work some moisture back into his mouth.

'I see.' The doctor sighed. 'I would suggest that Katherine consult a doctor and that you keep regular checks on both her and the baby. I would also suggest that she speak with a counsellor. Do you have any idea why she would do this?'

There was quiet and Karen shook her head. 'No.' She didn't mention to the doctor the problems between Murdock and Katie. And Murdock was grateful for that; he didn't want to have to go into it with a complete stranger. Even if this man had saved Katie's life.

'Can I see her?'

'Not yet maybe in a little while. I want to keep her here under close observation for the moment. She needs rest.'

Murdock nodded; the room was staring to feel unbearably small. 'I.I'm going out for some air.' He rose to his feet and walked numbly outside.

He sat in the van, his head whirling with unanswered questions. She was still carrying his baby, their baby. She'd nearly killed both herself and that baby.but no, Jerome, he must have done this.

The ringing of the phone was sharp in the silence of the van. Murdock picked it up already knowing who it would be. 'Hello?'

'Mr Murdock. I trust Katherine is doing well.'

'You bastard.' Murdock's voice was controlled betraying none of the grief he felt. 'When I find you, I'll kill you.'

He could almost see the smile on Jerome's face. 'I'm sure there will be no need for such behaviour.' Jerome spoke softly now, tauntingly. 'She begged me you know. Begged me not to harm her and the child within her. But in the end she had no choice, she took the chance that she and her baby might live over the certainty of death. She believed that you would save her even though we both know how much you hate her. You could say I've done you a service.'

'I'll cut you into little pieces.' Oh when had he last felt this angry? When had he felt so much like a cold-blooded killer? An image flashed into his mind of Carl lying in the desert sand, a ring of bullets around him. Bullets that had come from Murdock's gun as he'd toyed with the man; wanting to kill him so bad it had hurt. But it had been Katie in the end that had killed Carl, he wondered who it would be who killed Jerome. He hoped it would be him; he wanted to make this man suffer for putting his child in danger, his child and the woman he loved. The two people that, next to the team, were the most important in the world to him.

Jerome laughed coldly. 'I hardly think so. Come now.did you really want a child, a bastard child that didn't belong to you?'

Murdock's blood ran cold. 'What?'

Again Jerome laughed mockingly and cruelly. 'Oh really Captain, were you so naive to think that you were the only man she was sleeping with? That child is mine.to do with as I wish. And I chose to end it's life and the life of it's mother.' The line went dead before Murdock could reply. All this time so sure that it had been his child and then understanding hit him. Why Katie had lied, why she had first said she wasn't pregnant, then broken up with him, why she'd told Linda to tell him that she'd had an abortion, all of it to hide her fears that Jerome could be the father.

Murdock got out of the van, he didn't care if the doctor wouldn't allow him in; he would see her with or without his consent. She had to know, she had to understand that it didn't matter to him that he might not be the father, he'd love the baby no matter who the parents, he would be the only father that child would ever know. If Jerome was the father then it was even more important that he helped Katie bring the baby up, Jerome must never be allowed near the baby. He'd nearly killed it; Murdock wasn't giving the guy a second chance to kill an innocent life.

*** Murdock had no trouble getting into Katie's room, although she was under observation the doctor had obviously told the nurses on duty that Murdock was to be allowed in. He mentally thanked Karen, knowing that she must have been behind it somehow.

Katie was asleep, wires attached to her to help feed her and the baby; he remembered again that time when she'd been shot and had looked like this. But now.now he knew that she would live, the question was, whether or not her baby would live.

He put a tentative hand on her stomach knowing that a life lay underneath the skin his hand rested on. His eyes took in the slight curve of her belly, it had developed a definite swell he saw now, so too had her breasts grown larger. These things that he had noticed and enjoyed a month ago without ever realising what they meant.

He'd been too concerned before, too worried about getting her to the hospital to notice but now he saw it clearly, she had the look of a pregnant woman and even though her face was pale and drawn there was a definite glow of pregnancy there too.

He reached out and stroked her hair gently. It was thicker and glossier now, he wanted to bury his hair in it, take her to his bed and make love to her. He missed her so much that it hurt.

She stirred at his touch and opened her eyes. She looked down to where his hand rested protectively on her stomach and he saw the tears forming. He kissed her forehead. 'I love you.' It was the only thing he said and then he waited to see how she would respond.

'You know.' The whisper was barely audible over the click and beep of the machines at her bedside.

'I know.'

She closed her eyes and he caressed her cheek. 'I'm not leaving you Katie, I made that mistake once, and I won't make it again.'

'It might not be yours you know that don't you?'

'I know that and I don't care. I don't care if it is Jerome's I still want to be this baby's father, if you'll let me.'

Tears slipped over her closed lids and down her cheeks. He kissed them all away tenderly, as always, in awe of how much he loved her.

'I knew you'd come.' She smiled a wistful smile. 'My knight in shining armour from a mental institution.' She laughed and Murdock felt a painful tug at his heart as he remembered that argument, the argument that had led to their first kiss and further.

'What happened? Will you tell me?'

She opened her eyes and looked at him plainly. 'Will you kill him if I do?'

'I want to but I'm guessing you'll be needing me around so.I think I'll take the option of freedom.' Unspoken words hung in the air.the fact that even if he didn't kill Jerome he still wouldn't be a free man. He would still be confined to the VA.

'He held a gun to my head; somehow he knew I was pregnant, I don't know how. He said I had a choice, die quickly and swiftly or do what he said and risk the chance of being rescued. Either way my baby would die. But I knew you wouldn't let me down, I knew you wouldn't let us down.' Tears ran down her cheeks again. 'And now I've lost the baby or if I haven't yet, I will.'

He stroked her hair gently feeling pity for her. She was so confused, no matter how much she might want this baby, it was still something she had not expected and did not know how to deal with. 'Kate-' He very rarely called her that, reserving the nickname for moments of great affection. '- the baby is alive. It's fine, they want to keep a regular check on you both but the doctor said you should carry to term with no problem.'

She was speechless and he put his arms around her as she cried. When she eventually got herself under control he finally asked the question that had been preying on his mind. 'Why did you tell me you'd terminated the pregnancy?'

She averted her eyes, choosing instead to stare at the machine that was monitoring her heartbeat and the heartbeat of her baby. He was sure then, she wasn't certain of the child's father. 'Katie?'

'Because.it could be Jerome's.'

He nodded and pressed her fingers to his lips. 'That's what I thought.'

She looked at him in astonishment. 'But.'

'Why did I stay knowing that I might not be the father?'

She nodded and he smiled lopsidedly, that old crazy light thankfully coming back into his eyes. 'Cos I'm crazy and I'm not like everyone else, couldn't let this kid grow up sane now could I?'

She laughed and he was pleased to see that she seemed less afraid than she had done before. 'I nearly went through with it.' She told him and he knew she meant the abortion. 'I nearly did but I got in there and I just couldn't do it.'

He stroked her hair soothingly. 'It's ok and I don't care. Jerome might be the father of this baby but I'll be the only father he or she will ever need. Even if I am crazy and locked up in a mental institution.'

'Thank you.' She whispered and he hugged her. With his face buried in her hair he didn't see the look of panic and uncertainty that crossed her face.

*** He returned the next morning and found her room empty, upon questioning the staff he found out that she had discharged herself early that morning against the wishes of doctor. No one knew where she had gone and although he searched he didn't find her. She had vanished without a trace, taking with her a child that might just be his.